LETTER XXI
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.MONDAY AFTERNOON.
Pity me, Jack, for pity's sake; since, if thou dost not, nobody elsewill: and yet never was there a man of my genius and lively temper thatwanted it more. We are apt to attribute to the devil every thing happensto us, which we would not have happen: but here, being, (as perhapsthou'lt say,) the devil myself, my plagues arise from an angel. Isuppose all mankind is to be plagued by its contrary.
She began with me like a true woman, [she in the fault, I to be blamed,]the moment I entered the dining-room: not the least apology, not theleast excuse, for the uproar she had made, and the trouble she had givenme.
I come, said she, into thy detested presence, because I cannot help it.But why am I to be imprisoned here?--Although to no purpose, I cannothelp----
Dearest Madam, interrupted I, give not way to so much violence. You mustknow, that your detention is entirely owing to the desire I have to makeyou all the amends that is in my power to make you. And this, as well foryour sake as my own. Surely there is still one way left to repairthe wrongs you have suffered----
Canst thou blot out the past week! Several weeks past, I should say;ever since I have been with thee? Canst thou call back time?--If thoucanst----
Surely, Madam, again interrupting her, if I may be permitted to call youlegally mine, I might have but anticip----
Wretch, that thou art! Say not another word upon this subject. Whenthou vowedst, when thou promisedst at Hampstead, I had begun to thinkthat I must be thine. If I had consented, at the request of those Ithought thy relations, this would have been a principal inducement, thatI could then have brought thee, what was most wanted, an unsullied honourin dowry, to a wretch destitute of all honour; and could have met thegratulations of a family to which thy life has been one continueddisgrace, with a consciousness of deserving their gratulations. Butthinkest thou, that I will give a harlot niece to thy honourable uncle,and to thy real aunts; and a cousin to thy cousins from a brothel? forsuch, in my opinion, is this detested house!--Then, lifting up herclasped hands, 'Great and good God of Heaven,' said she, 'give mepatience to support myself under the weight of those afflictions, whichthou, for wise and good ends, though at present impenetrable by me, hastpermitted!'
Then, turning towards me, who knew neither what to say to her, nor formyself, I renounce thee for ever, Lovelace!--Abhorred of my soul! forever I renounce thee!--Seek thy fortunes wheresoever thou wilt!--onlynow, that thou hast already ruined me!--
Ruined you, Madam--the world need not--I knew not what to say.
Ruined me in my own eyes; and that is the same to me as if all the worldknew it--hinder me not from going whither my mysterious destiny shalllead me.
Why hesitate you, Sir? What right have you to stop me, as you latelydid; and to bring me up by force, my hands and arms bruised by yourviolence? What right have you to detain me here?
I am cut to the heart, Madam, with invectives so violent. I am but toosensible of the wrong I have done you, or I could not bear yourreproaches. The man who perpetrates a villany, and resolves to go onwith it, shows not the compunction I show. Yet, if you think yourselfin my power, I would caution you, Madam, not to make me desperate. Foryou shall be mine, or my life shall be the forfeit! Nor is life worthhaving without you!--
Be thine!--I be thine!--said the passionate beauty. O how lovely in herviolence!
Yes, Madam, be mine! I repeat you shall be mine! My very crime is yourglory. My love, my admiration of you is increased by what has passed--and so it ought. I am willing, Madam, to court your returning favour;but let me tell you, were the house beset by a thousand armed men,resolved to take you from me, they should not effect their purpose, whileI had life.
I never, never will be your's, said she, clasping her hands together, andlifting up her eyes!--I never will be your's!
We may yet see many happy years, Madam. All your friends may bereconciled to you. The treaty for that purpose is in greater forwardnessthan you imagine. You know better than to think the worse of yourselffor suffering what you could not help. Enjoin but the terms I can makemy peace with you upon, and I will instantly comply.
Never, never, repeated she, will I be your's!
Only forgive me, my dearest life, this one time!--A virtue so invincible!what further view can I have against you?--Have I attempted any furtheroutrage?--If you will be mine, your injuries will be injuries done tomyself. You have too well guessed at the unnatural arts that have beenused. But can a greater testimony be given of your virtue?--And now Ihave only to hope, that although I cannot make you complete amends, yetyou will permit me to make you all the amends that can possibly be made.
Here [sic] me out, I beseech you, Madam; for she was going to speak withan aspect unpacifiedly angry: the God, whom you serve, requires butrepentance and amendment. Imitate him, my dearest love, and bless mewith the means of reforming a course of life that begins to be hateful tome. That was once your favourite point. Resume it, dearest creature, incharity to a soul, as well as body, which once, as I flattered myself,was more than indifferent to you, resume it. And let to-morrow's sunwitness to our espousals.
I cannot judge thee, said she; but the GOD to whom thou so boldlyreferrest can, and, assure thyself, He will. But, if compunction hasreally taken hold of thee--if, indeed, thou art touched for thyungrateful baseness, and meanest any thing by this pleading the holyexample thou recommendest to my imitation; in this thy pretendedrepentant moment, let me sift thee thoroughly, and by thy answer I shalljudge of the sincerity of thy pretended declarations.
Tell me, then, is there any reality in the treaty thou has pretended tobe on foot between my uncle and Capt. Tomlinson, and thyself?--Say, andhesitate not, is there any truth in that story?--But, remember, if therebe not, and thou avowest that there is, what further condemnation attendsto thy averment, if it be as solemn as I require it to be!
This was a cursed thrust! What could I say!--Surely this merciless ladyis resolved to d--n me, thought I, and yet accuses me of a design againsther soul!--But was I not obliged to proceed as I had begun?
In short, I solemnly averred that there was!--How one crime, as the goodfolks say, brings on another!
I added, that the Captain had been in town, and would have waited on her,had she not been indisposed; that he went down much afflicted, as well onher account, as on that of her uncle; though I had not acquainted himeither with the nature of her disorder, or the ever-to-be-regrettedoccasion of it, having told him that it was a violent fever; That he hadtwice since, by her uncle's desire, sent up to inquire after her health;and that I had already dispatched a man and horse with a letter, toacquaint him, (and her uncle through him,) with her recovery; making itmy earnest request, that he would renew his application to her uncle forthe favour of his presence at the private celebrations of our nuptials;and that I expected an answer, if not this night, as to-morrow.
Let me ask thee next, said she, (thou knowest the opinion I have of thewomen thou broughtest to me at Hampstead; and who have seduced me hitherto my ruin; let me ask thee,) If, really and truly, they were Lady BettyLawrance and thy cousin Montague?--What sayest thou--hesitate not--whatsayest thou to this question?
Astonishing, my dear, that you should suspect them!--But, knowing yourstrange opinion of them, what can I say to be believed?
And is this the answer thou returnest me? Dost thou thus evade myquestion? But let me know, for I am trying thy sincerity now, and allshall judge of thy new professions by thy answer to this question; let meknow, I repeat, whether those women be really Lady Betty Lawrance and thycousin Montague?
Let me, my dearest love, be enabled to-morrow to call you lawfully mine,and we will set out the next day, if you please, to Berkshire to my LordM.'s, where they both are at this time; and you shall convince yourselfby your own eyes, and by your own ears; which you will believe soonerthan all I can say or swear.
Now, Belford, I had really some apprehension
of treachery from thee;which made me so miserably evade; for else, I could as safely have swornto the truth of this, as to that of the former: but she pressing me stillfor a categorical answer, I ventured plumb; and swore to it, [lover'soaths, Jack!] that they were really and truly Lady Betty Lawrance and mycousin Montague.
She lifted up her hands and eyes--What can I think!--what can I think!
You think me a devil, Madam; a very devil! or you could not after youhave put these questions to me, seem to doubt the truth of answers sosolemnly sworn to.
And if I do think thee so, have I not cause? Is there another man in theworld, (I hope for the sake of human nature, there is not,) who could actby any poor friendless creature as thou hast acted by me, whom thou hastmade friendless--and who, before I knew thee, had for a friend every onewho knew me?
I told you, Madam, before that Lady Betty and my cousin were actuallyhere, in order to take leave of you, before they set out for Berkshire:but the effects of my ungrateful crime, (such, with shame and remorse, Iown it to be,) were the reason you could not see them. Nor could I befond that they should see you; since they never would have forgiven me,had they known what had passed--and what reason had I to expect yoursilence on the subject, had you been recovered?
It signifies nothing now, that the cause of their appearance has beenanswered in my ruin, who or what they are: but if thou hast averred thussolemnly to two falsehoods, what a wretch do I see before me!
I thought she had now reason to be satisfied; and I begged her to allowme to talk to her of to-morrow, as of the happiest day of my life. Wehave the license, Madam--and you must excuse me, that I cannot let you gohence till I have tried every way I can to obtain your forgiveness.
And am I then, [with a kind of frantic wildness,] to be detained aprisoner in this horrid house--am I, Sir?--Take care! take care! holdingup her hand, menacing, how you make me desperate! If I fall, though bymy own hand, inquisition will be made for my blood; and be not out in thyplot, Lovelace, if it should be so--make sure work, I charge thee--dig ahole deep enough to cram in and conceal this unhappy body; for, dependupon it, that some of those who will not stir to protect me living, willmove heaven and earth to avenge me dead!
A horrid dear creature!--By my soul she made me shudder! She had needindeed to talk of her unhappiness in falling into the hands of the onlyman in the world, who could have used her as I have used her--she is theonly woman in the world, who could have shocked and disturbed me as shehas done. So we are upon a foot in that respect. And I think I have theworst of it by much: since very little has been my joy--very much mytrouble. And her punishment, as she calls it, is over: but when minewill, or what it may be, who can tell?
Here, only recapitulating, (think, then, how I must be affected at thetime,) I was forced to leave off, and sing a song to myself. I aimed ata lively air; but I croaked rather than sung. And fell into the olddismal thirtieth of January strain; I hemmed up for a sprightlier note;but it would not do; and at last I ended, like a malefactor, in a deadpsalm melody.
Heigh-ho!--I gape like an unfledged kite in its nest, wanting to swallowa chicken, bobbed at its mouth by its marauding dam!--
What a-devil ails me?--I can neither think nor write!
Lie down, pen, for a moment!