LETTER XLII
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.M. HALL, JUNE 27. TUESDAY NIGHT, NEAR 12.
Your's reached me this moment, by an extraordinary push in themessengers.
What a man of honour thou of a sudden!----
And so, in the imaginary shape of a guarantee, thou threatenest me!
Had I not been in earnest as to the lady, I should not have offered toemploy thee in the affair. But, let me say, that hadst thou undertakenthe task, and I hadst afterwards thought fit to change my mind, I shouldhave contented myself to tell thee, that that was my mind when thouengagedst for me, and to have given thee the reasons for the change, andthen left thee to thy own discretion: for never knew I what fear of manwas--nor fear of woman neither, till I became acquainted with MissClarissa Harlowe, nay, what is most surprising, till I came to have herin my power.
And so thou wilt not wait upon the charmer of my heart, but upon termsand conditions!--Let it alone and be curs'd; I care not.--But so muchcredit did I give to the value thou expressedst for her, that I thoughtthe office would have been acceptable to thee, as serviceable to me;for what was it, but to endeavour to persuade her to consent to thereparation of her own honour? For what have I done but disgraced myself,and been a thief to my own joys?--And if there be a union of hearts, andan intention to solemnize, what is there wanting but the foolishceremony?--and that I still offer. But, if she will keep back her hand,if she will make me hold out mine in vain, how can I help it?
I write her one more letter; and if, after she has received that, shekeeps sullen silence, she must thank herself for what is to follow.
But, after all,, my heart is not wholly her's. I love her beyondexpression; and cannot help it. I hope therefore she will receive thislast tender as I wish. I hope she intends not, like a true woman, toplague, and vex, and tease me, now she has found her power. If she willtake me to mercy now these remorses are upon me, (though I scorn tocondition with thee for my sincerity,) all her trials, as I haveheretofore declared, shall be over, and she shall be as happy as I canmake her: for, ruminating upon all that has passed between us, from thefirst hour of our acquaintance till the present, I must pronounce, Thatshe is virtue itself and once more I say, has no equal.
As to what you hint, of leaving to her choice another day, do youconsider, that it will be impossible that my contrivances and stratagemsshould be much longer concealed?--This makes me press that day, though sonear; and the more, as I have made so much ado about her uncle'sanniversary. If she send me the four words, I will spare no fatigue tobe in time, if not for the canonical hour at church, for some other hourof the day in her own apartment, or any other: for money will do everything: and that I have never spared in this affair.
To show thee, that I am not at enmity with thee, I enclose the copies oftwo letters--one to her: it is the fourth, and must be the last on thesubject----The other to Captain Tomlinson; calculated, as thou wilt see,for him to show her.
And now, Jack, interfere; in this case or not, thou knowest the mind of
R. LOVELACE.