LETTER XLIX
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.FRIDAY, JUNE 30.
I am ruined, undone, blown up, destroyed, and worse than annihilated,that's certain!--But was not the news shocking enough, dost thou think,without thy throwing into the too-weighty scale reproaches, which thoucouldst have had no opportunity to make but for my own voluntarycommunications? at a time too, when, as it falls out, I have another verysensible disappointment to struggle with?
I imagine, if there be such a thing as future punishment, it must be noneof the smallest mortifications, that a new devil shall be punished by aworse old one. And, take that! And, take that! to have the old satyrcry to the screaming sufferer, laying on with a cat-o'-nine-tails, with astar of burning brass at the end of each: and, for what! for what!---Why,if the truth may be fairly told, for not being so bad a devil as myself.
Thou art, surely, casuist good enough to know, (what I have insistedupon* heretofore,) that the sin of seducing a credulous and easy girl, isas great as that of bringing to your lure an incredulous and watchfulone.
* See Vol. IV. Letter XVII.
However ungenerous an appearance what I am going to say may have from mypen, let me tell thee, that if such a woman as Miss Harlowe chose toenter into the matrimonial state, [I am resolved to disappoint thee inthy meditated triumph over my rage and despair!] and, according to theold patriarchal system, to go on contributing to get sons and daughters,with no other view than to bring them up piously, and to be good anduseful members of the commonwealth, what a devil had she to do, to lether fancy run a gadding after a rake? one whom she knew to be a rake?
Oh! but truly she hoped to have the merit of reclaiming him. She hadformed pretty notions how charming it would look to have a penitent ofher own making dangling at her side at church, through an applaudingneighbourhood: and, as their family increased, marching with her thither,at the head of their boys and girls, processionally, as it were, boastingof the fruits of their honest desires, as my good lord bishop has it inhis license. And then, what a comely sight, all kneeling down togetherin one pew, according to eldership as we have seen in effigy, a wholefamily upon some old monument, where the honest chevalier in armour ispresented kneeling, with up-lifted hands, and half a dozen jolter-headedcrop-eared boys behind him, ranged gradatim, or step-fashion according toage and size, all in the same posture--facing his pious dame, with a ruffabout her neck, and as many whey-faced girls all kneeling behind her: analtar between them, and an open book upon it: over their headssemiluminary rays darting from gilded clouds, surrounding an achievement-motto, IN COELO SALUS--or QUIES--perhaps, if they have happened to livethe usual married life of brawl and contradiction.
It is certainly as much my misfortune to have fallen in with MissClarissa Harlowe, were I to have valued my reputation or ease, as it isthat of Miss Harlowe to have been acquainted with me. And, after all,what have I done more than prosecute the maxim, by which thou and I andevery rake are governed, and which, before I knew this lady, we havepursued from pretty girl to pretty girl, as fast as we have set one down,taking another up;--just as the fellows do with their flying coaches andflying horses at a country fair----with a Who rides next! Who ridesnext!
But here in the present case, to carry on the volant metaphor, (for Imust either be merry, or mad,) is a pretty little miss just come out ofher hanging-sleeve-coat, brought to buy a pretty little fairing; for theworld, Jack, is but a great fair, thou knowest; and, to give thee seriousreflection for serious, all its joys but tinselled hobby-horses, giltgingerbread, squeaking trumpets, painted drums, and so forth.
Now behold this pretty little miss skimming from booth to booth, in avery pretty manner. One pretty little fellow called Wyerley, perhaps;another jiggeting rascal called Biron, a third simpering varlet of thename of Symmes, and a more hideous villain than any of the reset, with along bag under his arm, and parchment settlements tagged to his heels,yelped Solmes: pursue her from raree-show to raree-show, shouldering uponone another at every turn, stopping when she stops, and set a spinningagain when she moves. And thus dangled after, but still in the eye ofher watchful guardians, traverses the pretty little miss through thewhole fair, equally delighted and delighting: till at last, taken withthe invitation of the laced-hat orator, and seeing several pretty littlebib-wearers stuck together in the flying-coaches, cutting safely theyielding air, in the one-go-up the other go-down picture-of-the-worldvehicle, and all with as little fear as wit, is tempted to ride next.
In then suppose she slily pops, when none of her friends are near her:And if, after two or three ups and downs, her pretty head turns giddy,and she throws herself out of the coach when at its elevation, and sodashes out her pretty little brains, who can help it?--And would you hangthe poor fellow, whose professed trade it was to set the pretty littlecreature a flying?
'Tis true, this pretty little miss, being a very pretty little miss,being a very much-admired little miss, being a very good little miss, whoalways minded her book, and had passed through her sampler-doctrine withhigh applause; had even stitched out, in gaudy propriety of colors, anAbraham offering up Isaac, a Sampson and the Philistines; and flowers,and knots, and trees, and the sun and the moon, and the seven stars, allhung up in frames with glasses before them, for the admiration of herfuture grand children: who likewise was entitled to a very pretty littleestate: who was descended from a pretty little family upwards of onehundred years gentility; which lived in a very pretty little manner,respected a very little on their own accounts, a great deal on her's:----
For such a pretty little miss as this to come to so great a misfortune,must be a very sad thing: But, tell me, would not the losing of anyordinary child, of any other less considerable family, or less shining oramiable qualities, have been as great and heavy a loss to that family, asthe losing this pretty little miss could be to her's?
To descend to a very low instance, and that only as to personality; hastthou any doubt, that thy strong-muscled bony-faced was as much admired bythy mother, as if it had been the face of a Lovelace, or any otherhandsome fellow? And had thy picture been drawn, would she have forgiventhe painter, had he not expressed so exactly thy lineaments, as thatevery one should have discerned the likeness? The handsome likeness isall that is wished for. Ugliness made familiar to us, with thepartiality natural to fond parents, will be beauty all the world over.--Do thou apply.
But, alas! Jack, all this is but a copy of my countenance, drawn to evadethy malice!--Though it answer thy unfriendly purpose to own it, I cannotforbear to own it, that I am stung to the very soul with this unhappy--accident, must I call it!--Have I nobody, whose throat, either forcarelessness or treachery, I ought to cut, in order to pacify myvengeance?
When I reflect upon my last iniquitous intention, the first outrage sonobly resented, as well as, so far as she was able, so nobly resisted, Icannot but conclude, that I was under the power of fascination from theseaccursed Circes; who, pretending to know their own sex, would have it,that there is in every woman a yielding, or a weak-resisting moment to bemet with: and that yet, and yet, and yet, I had not tried enough; butthat, if neither love nor terror should enable me to hit that luckymoment, when, by help of their cursed arts, she was once overcome, shewould be for ever overcome:--appealing to all my experience, to all myknowledge of the sex, for justification of their assertion.
My appeal to experience, I own, was but too favourable to their argument:For dost thou think I could have held my purpose against such an angel asthis, had I ever before met with a woman so much in earnest to defend herhonour against the unwearied artifices and perseverance of the man sheloved? Why then were there not more examples of a virtue so immovable?Or, why was this singular one to fall to my lot? except indeed to doublemy guilt; and at the same time to convince all that should hear herstory, that there are angels as well as devils in the flesh?
So much for confession; and for the sake of humouring my conscience; witha view likewise to disarm thy malice by acknowledgement: since no
one shallsay worse of me, than I will of myself on this occasion.
One thing I will nevertheless add, to show the sincerity of my contrition--'Tis this, that if thou canst by any means find her out within thesethree days, or any time before she has discovered the stories relating toCaptain Tomlinson and her uncle to be what they are; and if thou canstprevail upon her to consent, I will actually, in thy presence and his,(he to represent her uncle,) marry her.
I am still in hopes it may be so--she cannot be long concealed--I havealready set all engines at work to find her out! and if I do, whatindifferent persons, [and no one of her friends, as thou observest, willlook upon her,] will care to embroil themselves with a man of my figure,fortune, and resolution? Show her this part, then, or any other part ofthis letter, as thy own discretion, if thou canst find her: for, afterall, methinks, I would be glad that this affair, which is bad enough initself, should go off without worse personal consequences to any bodyelse: and yet it runs in my mind, I know not why, that, sooner or laterit will draw a few drops of blood after it; except she and I can make itup between ourselves. And this may be another reason why she should notcarry her resentment too far--not that such an affair would give me muchconcern neither, were I to choose any man of men, for I heartily hate allher family, but herself; and ever shall.
***
Let me add, that the lady's plot to escape appears to me no extraordinaryone. There was much more luck than probability that it should do: since,to make it succeed, it was necessary that Dorcas and Will., and Sinclairand her nymphs, should be all deceived, or off their guard. It belongsto me, when I see them, to give them my hearty thanks that they were; andthat their selfish care to provide for their own future security, shouldinduce them to leave their outward door upon their bolt-latch, and becurs'd to them.
Mabell deserves a pitch suit and a bonfire, rather than the lustring; andas her clothes are returned, le the lady's be put to her others, to besent to her when it can be told whither--but not till I give the wordneither; for we must get the dear fugitive back again if possible.
I suppose that my stupid villain, who knew not such a goddess-shaped ladywith a mien so noble, from the awkward and bent-shouldered Mabell, hasbeen at Hampstead to see after her. And yet I hardly think she would gothither. He ought to go through every street where bills for lodgingsare up, to inquire after a new-comer. The houses of such as deal inwomen's matters, and tea, coffee, and such-like, are those to be inquiredat for her. If some tidings be not quickly heard of her, I would nothave either Dorcas, Will., or Mabell, appear in my sight, whatever theirsuperiors think fit to do.
This, though written in character, is a very long letter, considering itis not a narrative one, or a journal of proceedings, like most of myformer; for such will unavoidably and naturally, as I may say, run intolength. But I have so used myself to write a great deal of late, that Iknow not how to help it. Yet I must add to its length, in order toexplain myself on a hint I gave at the beginning of it; which was, that Ihave another disappointment, besides this of Miss Harlowe's escape, tobemoan.
And what dost thou think it is? Why, the old Peer, pox of his toughconstitution, (for that malady would have helped him on,) has made shiftby fire and brimstone, and the devil knows what, to force the gout toquit the counterscarp of his stomach, just as it had collected all itsstrength, in order to storm the citadel of his heart. In short, theyhave, by the mere force of stink-pots, hand-granades, and pop-guns,driven the slow-working pioneer quite out of the trunk into theextremities; and there it lies nibbling and gnawing upon his great toe;when I had a fair end of the distemper and the distempered.
But I, who could write to thee of laudanum, and the wet cloth, formerly,yet let 8000L. a year slip through my fingers, when I had entered upon itmore than in imagination, [for I had begun to ask the stewards questions,and to hear them talk of fines and renewals, and such sort of stuff,]deserve to be mortified.
Thou canst not imagine how differently the servants, and even my cousins,look upon me, since yesterday, to what they did before. Neither the onenor the other bow or courtesy half so low--nor am I a quarter so oftenhis honour and your honour, as I was within these few hours, with theformer: and as to the latter--it is cousin Bobby again, with the usualfamiliarity, instead of Sir, and Sir, and If you please, Mr. Lovelace.And now they have the insolence to congratulate me on the recovery of thebest of uncles; while I am forced to seem as much delighted as they,when, would it do me good, I could sit down and cry my eyes out.
I had bespoke my mourning in imagination, after the example of a certainforeign minister, who, before the death, or even last illness of CharlesII., as honest White Kennet tells us, had half exhausted Blackwell-hallof its sables--an indication, as the historian would insinuate, that themonarch was to be poisoned, and the ambassador in the secret.--And yet,fool that I was, I could not take the hint--What the devil does a manread history for, if he cannot profit by the examples he find in it?
But thus, Jack, is an observation of the old Peer's verified, that onemisfortune seldom comes alone: and so concludes
Thy doubly mortifiedLOVELACE.