LETTER LII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MRS. HOWE.SATURDAY, JULY 1.
Permit me, Madam, to trouble you with a few lines, were it only to thankyou for your reproofs; which have nevertheless drawn fresh streams ofblood from a bleeding heart.
My story is a dismal story. It has circumstances in it that would engagepity, and possibly a judgment not altogether unfavourable, were thosecircumstances known. But it is my business, and shall be all mybusiness, to repent of my failings, and not endeavour to extenuate them.
Nor will I seek to distress your worthy mind. If I cannot suffer alone,I will make as few parties as I can in my sufferings. And, indeed, Itook up my pen with this resolution when I wrote the letter which hasfallen into your hands. It was only to know, and that for a veryparticular reason, as well as for affection unbounded, if my dear MissHowe, from whom I had not heard of a long time, were ill; as I had beentold she was; and if so, how she now does. But my injuries being recent,and my distresses having been exceeding great, self would crowd into myletter. When distressed, the human mind is apt to turn itself to everyone, in whom it imagined or wished an interest, for pity and consolation.--Or, to express myself better, and more concisely, in your own words,misfortune makes people plaintive: And to whom, if not to a friend, canthe afflicted complain?
Miss Howe being abroad when my letter came, I flatter myself that she isrecovered. But it would be some satisfaction to me to be informed if shehas been ill. Another line from your hand would be too great a favour:but if you will be pleased to direct any servant to answer yes, or no, tothat question, I will not be farther troublesome.
Nevertheless, I must declare, that my Miss Howe's friendship was all thecomfort I had, or expected to have in this world; and a line from herwould have been a cordial to my fainting heart. Judge then, dearestMadam, how reluctantly I must obey your prohibition--but yet I willendeavour to obey it; although I should have hoped, as well from thetenor of all that has passed between Miss Howe and me, as from herestablished virtue, that she could not be tainted by evil communication,had one or two letters been permitted. This, however, I ask not for,since I think I have nothing to do but to beg of God (who, I hope, hasnot yet withdrawn his grace from me, although he has pleaded to let loosehis justice upon my faults) to give me a truly broken spirit, if it benot already broken enough, and then to take to his mercy
The unhappyCLARISSA HARLOWE.
Two favours, good Madam, I have to beg of you.--The first,--that you will not let any of my relations know that you have heard from me. The other,--that no living creature be apprized where I am to be heard of, or directed to. This is a point that concerns me more than I can express.--In short, my preservation from further evils may depend upon it.