LETTER LXIV
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MRS. JUDITH NORTONTHURSDAY, JULY 6.
I ought not, especially at this time, to add to your afflictions--but yetI cannot help communicating to you (who now are my only soothing friend)a new trouble that has befallen me.
I had but one friend in the world, beside you; and she is utterlydispleased with me.* It is grievous, but for one moment, to lie under abeloved person's censure; and this through imputations that affect one'shonour and prudence. There are points so delicate, you know, my dearMrs. Norton, that it is a degree of dishonour to have a vindication ofone's self from them appear to be necessary. In the present case, mymisfortune is, that I know not how to account, but by guess (so subtlehave been the workings of the dark spirit I have been unhappily entangledby) for some of the facts that I am called upon to explain.
Miss Howe, in short, supposes she has found a flaw in my character. Ihave just now received her severe letter--but I shall answer it, perhaps,in better temper, if I first consider your's: for indeed my patience isalmost at an end. And yet I ought to consider, that faithful are thewounds of a friend. But so many things at once! O my dear Mrs. Norton,how shall so young a scholar in the school of affliction be able to bearsuch heavy and such various evils!
But to leave this subject for a while, and turn to your letter.
I am very sorry Miss Howe is so lively in her resentments on my account.I have always blamed her very freely for her liberties of this sort withmy friends. I once had a good deal of influence over her kind heart, andshe made all I said a law to her. But people in calamity have littleweight in any thing, or with any body. Prosperity and independence arecharming things on this account, that they give force to the counsels ofa friendly heart; while it is thought insolence in the miserable toadvise, or so much as to remonstrate.
Yet is Miss Howe an invaluable person: And is it to be expected that sheshould preserve the same regard for my judgment that she had before Iforfeited all title to discretion? With what face can I take upon me toreproach a want of prudence in her? But if I can be so happy as tore-establish myself in her ever-valued opinion, I shall endeavour toenforce upon her your just observation on this head.
You need not, you say, exhort me to despise such a man as him, by whom Ihave suffered--indeed you need not: for I would choose the cruellestdeath rather than to be his. And yet, my dear Mrs. Norton, I will own toyou, that once I could have loved him.--Ungrateful man!--had he permittedme to love him, I once could have loved him. Yet he never deservedlove. And was not this a fault?--But now, if I can but keep out of hishands, and obtain a last forgiveness, and that as well for the sake of mydear friends' future reflections, as for my own present comfort, it isall I wish for.
Reconciliation with my friends I do not expect; nor pardon from them; atleast, till in extremity, and as a viaticum.
O my beloved Mrs. Norton, you cannot imagine what I have suffered!--Butindeed my heart is broken!--I am sure I shall not live to take possessionof that independence, which you think would enable me to atone, in somemeasure, for my past conduct.
While this is my opinion, you may believe I shall not be easy till I canobtain a last forgiveness.
I wish to be left to take my own course in endeavouring to procure thisgrace. Yet know I not, at present, what that course shall be.
I will write. But to whom is my doubt. Calamity has not yet given methe assurance to address myself to my FATHER. My UNCLES (well as theyonce loved me) are hard hearted. They never had their masculine passionshumanized by the tender name of FATHER. Of my BROTHER I have no hope. Ihave then but my MOTHER, and my SISTER, to whom I can apply.--'And may Inot, my dearest Mamma, be permitted to lift up my trembling eye to yourall-cheering, and your once more than indulgent, your fond eye, in hopesof seasonable mercy to the poor sick heart that yet beats with life drawnfrom your own dearer heart?--Especially when pardon only, and notrestoration, is implored?'
Yet were I able to engage my mother's pity, would it not be a mean tomake her still more unhappy than I have already made her, by theopposition she would meet with, were she to try to give force to thatpity?
To my SISTER, then, I think, I will apply--Yet how hard-hearted has mysister been!--But I will not ask for protection; and yet I am in hourlydread that I shall want protection.--All I will ask for at present(preparative to the last forgiveness I will implore) shall be only to befreed from the heavy curse that seems to have operated as far is it canoperate as to this life--and, surely, it was passion, and not intention,that carried it so far as to the other!
But why do I thus add to your distresses?--It is not, my dear Mrs.Norton, that I have so much feeling for my own calamity that I have nonefor your's: since your's is indeed an addition to my own. But you haveone consolation (a very great one) which I have not:--That yourafflictions, whether respecting your more or your less deserving child,rise not from any fault of your own.
But what can I do for you more than pray?--Assure yourself, that in everysupplication I put up for myself, I will with equal fervour remember bothyou and your son. For I am and ever will be
Your truly sympathising and dutifulCLARISSA HARLOWE.