LETTER LXIX
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE
In the midst of this agreeableness, the coach came to the door. Thepretended Lady Betty besought me to give them my company to their cousinLeeson's. I desired to be excused: yet suspected nothing. She would notbe denied. How happy would a visit so condescending make her cousinLeeson!----Her cousin Leeson was not unworthy of my acquaintance: andwould take it for the greatest favour in the world.
I objected my dress. But the objection was not admitted. She bespoke asupper of Mrs. Moore to be ready at nine.
Mr. Lovelace, vile hypocrite, and wicked deceiver! seeing, as he said, mydislike to go, desired his Ladyship not to insist upon it.
Fondness for my company was pleaded. She begged me to oblige her: made amotion to help me to my fan herself: and, in short, was so very urgent,that my feet complied against my speech and my mind: and being, in amanner, led to the coach by her, and made to step in first, she followedme: and her pretended niece, and the wretch, followed her: and away itdrove.
Nothing but the height of affectionate complaisance passed all the way:over and over, what a joy would this unexpected visit give her cousinLeeson! What a pleasure must it be to such a mind as mine, to be ableto give so much joy to every body I came near!
The cruel, the savage seducer (as I have since recollected) was in arapture all the way; but yet such a sort of rapture, as he took visiblepains to check.
Hateful villain! how I abhor him!--What mischief must be then in hisplotting heart!--What a devoted victim must I be in all their eyes!
Though not pleased, I was nevertheless just then thoughtless of danger;they endeavouring thus to lift me up above all apprehensions of that, andabove myself too.
But think, my dear, what a dreadful turn all had upon me, when, throughseveral streets and ways I knew nothing of, the coach slackening itspace, came within sight of the dreadful house of the dreadfullest womanin the world; as she proved to me.
Lord be good unto me! cried the poor fool, looking out of the coach--Mr.Lovelace!--Madam! turning to the pretended Lady Betty!--Madam! turning tothe niece, my hands and eyes lifted up--Lord be good unto me!
What! What! What! my dear.
He pulled the string--What need to have come this way? said he--But sincewe are, I will but ask a question--My dearest life, why thisapprehension?
The coachman stopped: his servant, who, with one of her's was behind,alighted--Ask, said he, if I have any letters? Who knows, my dearestcreature, turning to me, but we may already have one from the Captain?--We will not go out of the coach!--Fear nothing--Why so apprehensive?--Oh!these fine spirits!--cried the execrable insulter.
Dreadfully did my heart then misgive me: I was ready to faint. Why thisterror, my life? you shall not stir out of the coach but one question,now the fellow has drove us this way.
Your lady will faint, cried the execrable Lady Betty, turning to him--Mydearest Niece! (niece I will call you, taking my hand)--we must alight,if you are so ill.--Let us alight--only for a glass of water andhartshorn--indeed we must alight.
No, no, no--I am well--quite well--Won't the man drive on?--I am well--quite well--indeed I am.--Man, drive on, putting my head out of the coach--Man, drive on!--though my voice was too low to be heard.
The coach stopt at the door. How I trembled!
Dorcas came to the door, on its stopping.
My dearest creature, said the vile man, gasping, as it were for breath,you shall not alight--Any letters for me, Dorcas?
There are two, Sir. And here is a gentleman, Mr. Belton, Sir, waits foryour honour; and has done so above an hour.
I'll just speak to him. Open the door--You sha'n't step out, my dear--Aletter perhaps from Captain already!--You sha'n't step out, my dear.
I sighed as if my heart would burst.
But we must step out, Nephew: your lady will faint. Maid, a glass ofhartshorn and water!--My dear you must step out--You will faint, child--We must cut your laces.--[I believe my complexion was all manner ofcolours by turns]--Indeed, you must step out, my dear.
He knew, said I, I should be well, the moment the coach drove from thedoor. I should not alight. By his soul, I should not.
Lord, Lord, Nephew, Lord, Lord, Cousin, both women in a breath, what adoyou make about nothing! You persuade your lady to be afraid ofalighting.--See you not that she is just fainting?
Indeed, Madam, said the vile seducer, my dearest love must not be movedin this point against her will. I beg it may not be insisted upon.
Fiddle-faddle, foolish man--What a pother is here! I guess how it is:you are ashamed to let us see what sort of people you carried your ladyamong--but do you go out, and speak to your friend, and take yourletters.
He stept out; but shut the coach-door after him, to oblige me.
The coach may go on, Madam, said I.
The coach shall go on, my dear life, said he.--But he gave not, norintended to give, orders that it should.
Let the coach go on! said I--Mr. Lovelace may come after us.
Indeed, my dear, you are ill!--Indeed you must alight--alight but for onequarter of an hour.--Alight but to give orders yourself about yourthings. Whom can you be afraid of in my company, and my niece's; thesepeople must have behaved shockingly to you! Please the Lord, I'llinquire into it!--I'll see what sort of people they are!
Immediately came the old creature to the door. A thousand pardons, dearMadam, stepping to the coach-side, if we have any way offended you--Bepleased, Ladies, [to the other two] to alight.
Well, my dear, whispered the Lady Betty, I now find that an hideousdescription of a person we never saw is an advantage to them. I thoughtthe woman was a monster--but, really, she seems tolerable.
I was afraid I should have fallen into fits: but still refused to go out--Man!--Man!--Man!--cried I, gaspingly, my head out of the coach and in,by turns, half a dozen times running, drive on!--Let us go!
My heart misgave me beyond the power of my own accounting for it; forstill I did not suspect these women. But the antipathy I had taken tothe vile house, and to find myself so near it, when I expected no suchmatter, with the sight of the old creature, all together made me behavelike a distracted person.
The hartshorn and water was brought. The pretended Lady Betty made medrink it. Heaven knows if there was any thing else in it!
Besides, said she, whisperingly, I must see what sort of creatures thenieces are. Want of delicacy cannot be hid from me. You could notsurely, my dear, have this aversion to re-enter a house, for a fewminutes, in our company, in which you lodged and boarded several weeks,unless these women could be so presumptuously vile, as my nephew oughtnot to know.
Out stept the pretended lady; the servant, at her command, having openedthe door.
Dearest Madam, said the other to me, let me follow you, [for I was nextthe door.] Fear nothing: I will not stir from your presence.
Come, my dear, said the pretended lady, give me your hand; holding outher's. Oblige me this once.
I will bless your footsteps, said the old creature, if once more youhonour my house with your presence.
A crowd by this time was gathered about us; but I was too much affectedto mind that.
Again the pretended Miss Montague urged me; standing up as ready to goout if I would give her room.--Lord, my dear, said she, who can bear thiscrowd?--What will people think?
The pretended Lady again pressed me, with both her hands held out--Only,my dear, to give orders about your things.
And thus pressed, and gazed at, (for then I looked about me,) the womenso richly dressed, people whispering; in an evil moment, out stepped I,trembling, forced to lean with both my hands (frighted too much forceremony) on the pretended Lady Betty's arm--Oh! that I had dropped downdead upon the guilty threshold!
We shall stay but a few minutes, my dear!--but a few minutes! said thesame specious jilt--out of breath with her joy, as I have since thought,that they had thus triumphed over the unhappy victi
m!
Come, Mrs. Sinclair, I think your name is, show us the way----followingher, and leading me. I am very thirsty. You have frighted me, my dear,with your strange fears. I must have tea made, if it can be done in amoment. We have farther to go, Mrs. Sinclair, and must return toHampstead this night.
It shall be ready in a moment, cried the wretch. We have water boiling.
Hasten, then--Come, my dear, to me, as she led me through the passage tothe fatal inner house--lean upon me--how you tremble!--how you falter inyour steps!--Dearest niece Lovelace, [the old wretch being in hearing,]why these hurries upon your spirits?--We'll be gone in a minute.
And thus she led the poor sacrifice into the old wretch's too-well-knownparlour.
Never was any body so gentle, so meek, so low voiced, as the odiouswoman; drawling out, in a puling accent, all the obliging things shecould say: awed, I then thought, by the conscious dignity of a woman ofquality; glittering with jewels.
The called-for tea was ready presently.
There was no Mr. Belton, I believe: for the wretch went not to any body,unless it were while we were parlying in the coach. No such personhowever, appeared at the tea-table.
I was made to drink two dishes, with milk, complaisantly urged by thepretended ladies helping me each to one. I was stupid to their hands;and, when I took the tea, almost choked with vapours; and could hardlyswallow.
I thought, transiently thought, that the tea, the last dish particularly,had an odd taste. They, on my palating it, observed, that the milk wasLondon-milk; far short in goodness of what they were accustomed to fromtheir own dairies.
I have no doubt that my two dishes, and perhaps my hartshorn, wereprepared for me; in which case it was more proper for their purpose, thatthey should help me, than that I should help myself. Ill before, I foundmyself still more and more disordered in my head; a heavy torpid painincreasing fast upon me. But I imputed it to my terror.
Nevertheless, at the pretended Lady's motion, I went up stairs, attendedby Dorcas; who affected to weep for joy, that she once more saw myblessed face; that was the vile creature's word: and immediately I setabout taking out some of my clothes, ordering what should be put up, andwhat sent after me.
While I was thus employed, up came the pretended Lady Betty, in ahurrying way----My dear, you won't be long before you are ready. Mynephew is very busy in writing answers to his letters: so, I'll just whipaway, and change my dress, and call upon you in an instant.
O Madam!--I am ready! I am now ready!--You must not leave me here. Anddown I sunk, affrighted, into a chair.
This instant, this instant, I will return--before you can be ready--before you can have packed up your things--we would not be late--therobbers we have heard of may be out--don't let us be late.
And away she hurried before I could say another word. Her pretendedniece went with her, without taking notice to me of her going.
I had no suspicion yet that these women were not indeed the ladiesthey personated; and I blamed myself for my weak fears.--It cannot be,thought I, that such ladies will abet treachery against a poor creaturethey are so fond of. They must undoubtedly be the persons they appear tobe--what folly to doubt it! The air, the dress, the dignity of women ofquality. How unworthy of them, and of my charity, concluded I, is thisungenerous shadow of suspicion!
So, recovering my stupefied spirits, as well as they could be recovered,(for I was heavier and heavier! and wondered to Dorcas what ailed me,rubbing my eyes, and taking some of her snuff, pinch after pinch, to verylittle purpose,) I pursued my employment: but when that was over, allpacked up that I designed to be packed up; and I had nothing to do but tothink; and found them tarry so long; I thought I should have gonedistracted. I shut myself into the chamber that had been mine; Ikneeled, I prayed; yet knew not what I prayed for: then ran out again: itwas almost dark night, I said: where, where, where was Mr. Lovelace?
He came to me, taking no notice at first of my consternation andwildness, [what they had given me made me incoherent and wild:] All goeswell, said he, my dear!--A line from Capt. Tomlinson!
All indeed did go well for the villanous project of the most cruel andmost villanous of men!
I demanded his aunt!--I demanded his cousin!--The evening, I said, wasclosing!--My head was very, very bad, I remember I said--and it grewworse and worse.--
Terror, however, as yet kept up my spirits; and I insisted upon his goinghimself to hasten them.
He called his servant. He raved at the sex for their delay: 'twas wellthat business of consequence seldom depended upon such parading,unpunctual triflers!
His servant came.
He ordered him to fly to his cousin Leeson's, and to let Lady Betty andhis cousin know how uneasy we both were at their delay: adding, of hisown accord, desire them, if they don't come instantly, to send theircoach, and we will go without them. Tell them I wonder they'll serve meso!
I thought this was considerately and fairly put. But now, indifferent asmy head was, I had a little time to consider the man and his behaviour.He terrified me with his looks, and with his violent emotions, as hegazed upon me. Evident joy-suppressed emotions, as I have sincerecollected. His sentences short, and pronounced as if his breath weretouched. Never saw I his abominable eyes look as then they looked--Triumph in them!--fierce and wild; and more disagreeable than the women'sat the vile house appeared to me when I first saw them: and at times,such a leering, mischief-boding cast!--I would have given the world tohave been an hundred miles from him. Yet his behaviour was decent--adecency, however, that I might have seen to be struggled for--for hesnatched my hand two or three times, with a vehemence in his grasp thathurt me; speaking words of tenderness through his shut teeth, as itseemed; and let it go with a beggar-voiced humbled accent, like the vilewoman's just before; half-inward; yet his words and manner carrying theappearance of strong and almost convulsed passion!--O my dear! whatmischief was he not then meditating!
I complained once or twice of thirst. My mouth seemed parched. At thetime, I supposed that it was my terror (gasping often as I did forbreath) that parched up the roof of my mouth. I called for water: sometable-beer was brought me: beer, I suppose, was a better vehicle fortheir potions. I told the maid, that she knew I seldom tasted maltliquor: yet, suspecting nothing of this nature, being extremely thirsty,I drank it, as what came next: and instantly, as it were, found myselfmuch worse than before: as if inebriated, I should fancy: I know not how.
His servant was gone twice as long as he needed: and, just before hisreturn, came one of the pretended Lady Betty's with a letter for Mr.Lovelace.
He sent it up to me. I read it: and then it was that I thought myself alost creature; it being to put off her going to Hampstead that night, onaccount of violent fits which Miss Montague was pretended to be seizedwith; for then immediately came into my head his vile attempt upon me inthis house; the revenge that my flight might too probably inspire himwith on that occasion, and because of the difficulty I made to forgivehim, and to be reconciled to him; his very looks wild and dreadful to me;and the women of the house such as I had more reason than ever, even fromthe pretended Lady Betty's hint, to be afraid of: all these crowdingtogether in my apprehensive mind, I fell into a kind of phrensy.
I have no remembrance how I was for this time it lasted: but I know that,in my first agitations, I pulled off my head-dress, and tore my rufflesin twenty tatters, and ran to find him out.
When a little recovered, I insisted upon the hint he had given me oftheir coach. But the messenger, he said, had told him, that it was sentto fetch a physician, lest his chariot should be put up, or not ready.
I then insisted upon going directly to Lady Betty's lodgings.
Mrs. Leeson's was now a crowded house, he said: and as my earnestnesscould be owing to nothing but groundless apprehensions, [and Oh! whatvows, what protestations of his honour, did he then make!] he hoped Iwould not add to their present concern. Charlotte, indeed, was used tofits, he said, upon any great s
urprises, whether of joy or grief; andthey would hold her for one week together, if not got off in a few hours.
You are an observer of eyes, my dear, said the villain; perhaps in secretinsult: Saw you not in Miss Montague's, now-and-then at Hampstead,something wildish? I was afraid for her then. Silence and quiet only doher good: your concern for her, and her love for you, will but augmentthe poor girl's disorder, if you should go.
All impatient with grief and apprehension, I still declared myselfresolved not to stay in that house till morning. All I had in the world,my rings, my watch, my little money, for a coach; or, if one were not tobe got, I would go on foot to Hampstead that night, though I walked it bymyself.
A coach was hereupon sent for, or pretended to be sent for. Any price,he said, he would give to oblige me, late as it was; and he would attendme with all his soul. But no coach was to be got.
Let me cut short the rest. I grew worse and worse in my head! nowstupid, now raving, now senseless. The vilest of vile women was broughtto frighten me. Never was there so horrible a creature as sheappreared to me at this time.
I remember I pleaded for mercy. I remember that I said I would be his--indeed I would be his--to obtain his mercy. But no mercy found I! Mystrength, my intellects failed me--And then such scenes followed--O mydear, such dreadful scenes!--fits upon fits, (faintly indeed andimperfectly remembered,) procuring me no compassion--But death waswithheld from me. That would have been too great a mercy!
***
Thus was I tricked and deluded back by blacker hearts of my own sex thanI thought there were in the world; who appeared to me to be persons ofhonour; and, when in his power, thus barbarously was I treated by thisvillanous man!
I was so senseless, that I dare not aver, that the horrid creatures ofthe house were personally aiding and abetting: but some visionaryremembrances I have of female figures, flitting, as I may say, before mysight; the wretched woman's particularly. But as these confused ideasmight be owing to the terror I had conceived of the worse than masculineviolence she had been permitted to assume to me, for expressing myabhorrence of her house; and as what I suffered from his barbarity wantsnot that aggravation; I will say no more on a subject so shocking as thismust ever be to my remembrance.
I never saw the personating wretches afterwards. He persisted to thelast, (dreadfully invoking Heaven as a witness to the truth of hisassertion) that they were really and truly the ladies they pretended tobe; declaring, that they could not take leave of me, when they left town,because of the state of senselessness and phrensy I was in. For theirintoxicating, or rather stupefying, potions had almost deleteriouseffects upon my intellects, as I have hinted; insomuch that, for severaldays together, I was under a strange delirium; now moping, now dozing,now weeping, now raving, now scribbling, tearing what I scribbled as fastas I wrote it: most miserable when now-and-then a ray of reason broughtconfusedly to my remembrance what I had suffered.