LETTER LXXIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWETUESDAY, JULY 11.
Forgive you, my dear!--Most cordially do I forgive you--Will you forgiveme for some sharp things I wrote in return to your's of the 5th? Youcould not have loved me as you do, nor had the concern you have alwaysshown for my honour, if you had not been utterly displeased with me, onthe appearance which my conduct wore to you when you wrote that letter.I most heartily thank you, my best and only love, for the opportunity yougave me of clearing it up; and for being generously ready to acquit me ofintentional blame, the moment you had read my melancholy narrative.
As you are so earnest to have all the particulars of my sad story beforeyou, I will, if life and spirits be lent me, give you an ample account ofall that has befallen me, from the time you mention. But this, it isvery probable, you will not see, till after the close of my last scene:and as I shall write with a view to that, I hope no other voucher will bewanted for the veracity of the writer, be who will the reader.
I am far from thinking myself out of the reach of this man's furtherviolence. But what can I do? Whither can I fly?--Perhaps my bad stateof health (which must grow worse, as recollection of the past evils, andreflections upon them, grow heavier and heavier upon me) may be myprotection. Once, indeed, I thought of going abroad; and, had I theprospect of many years before me, I would go.--But, my dear, the blow isgiven.--Nor have you reason now, circumstanced as I am, to be concernedthat it is. What a heart must I have, if it be not broken--and indeed,my dear friend, I do so earnestly wish for the last closing scene, andwith so much comfort find myself in a declining way, that I evensometimes ungratefully regret that naturally-healthy constitution, whichused to double upon me all my enjoyments.
As to the earnestly-recommended prosecution, I may possibly touch upon itmore largely hereafter, if ever I shall have better spirits; for they areat present extremely sunk and low. But just now, I will only say, that Iwould sooner suffer every evil (the repetition of the capital oneexcepted) than appear publicly in a court to do myself justice.* And Iam heartily grieved that your mother prescribes such a measure as thecondition of our future correspondence: for the continuance of yourfriendship, my dear, and the desire I had to correspond with you to mylife's end, were all my remaining hopes and consolation. Nevertheless,as that friendship is in the power of the heart, not of the hand only, Ihope I shall not forfeit that.
* Dr. Lewen, in Letter XXIV. of Vol. VIII. presses her to this publicprosecution, by arguments worthy of his character; which she answers in amanner worthy of her's. See Letter XXV. of that volume.
O my dear! what would I give to obtain a revocation of my father'smalediction! a reconciliation is not to be hoped for. You, who neverloved my father, may think my solicitude on this head a weakness: but themotive for it, sunk as my spirits at times are, is not always weak.
***
I approve of the method you prescribe for the conveyance of our letters;and have already caused the porter of the inn to be engaged to bring tome your's, the moment that Collins arrives with them. And the servant ofthe house where I am will be permitted to carry mine to Collins for you.
I have written a letter to Miss Rawlins, of Hampstead; the answer towhich, just now received, has helped me to the knowledge of the vilecontrivance, by which the wicked man got your letter of June the 10th. Iwill give you the contents of both.
In mine to her, I briefly acquainted her 'with what had befallen me,through the vileness of the women who had passed upon me as the aunt andcousin of the wickedest of men; and own, that I never was married to him.I desire her to make particular inquiry, and to let me know, who it wasat Mrs. Moore's that, on Sunday afternoon, June 11, while I was atchurch, received a letter from Miss Howe, pretending to be me, and lyingon a couch:--which letter, had it come to my hands, would have saved mefrom ruin. I excuse myself (on the score of the delirium, which thehorrid usage I had received threw me into, and from a confinement asbarbarous as illegal) that I had not before applied to Mrs. Moore for anaccount of what I was indebted to her: which account I now desired. And,for fear of being traced by Mr. Lovelace, I directed her to superscribeher answer, To Mrs. Mary Atkins; to be left till called for, at the BelleSavage Inn, on Ludgate-hill.'
In her answer, she tells me, 'that the vile wretch prevailed upon Mrs.Bevis to personate me, [a sudden motion of his, it seems, on theappearance of your messenger,] and persuaded her to lie along a couch:a handkerchief over her neck and face; pretending to be ill; thecredulous woman drawn in by false notions of your ill offices to keep upa variance between a man and his wife--and so taking the letter from yourmessenger as me.
'Miss Rawlins takes pains to excuse Mrs. Bevis's intention. Sheexpresses their astonishment, and concern at what I communicate: but isglad, however, and so they are all, that they know in time the vilenessof the base man; the two widows and herself having, at his earnestinvitation, designed me a visit at Mrs. Sinclair's: supposing all to behappy between him and me; as he assured them was the case. Mr. Lovelace,she informs me, had handsomely satisfied Mrs. Moore. And Miss Rawlinsconcludes with wishing to be favoured with the particulars of soextraordinary a story, as these particulars may be of use, to let her seewhat wicked creatures (women as well as men) there are in the world.'
I thank you, my dear, for the draughts of your two letters which wereintercepted by this horrid man. I see the great advantage they were ofto him, in the prosecution of his villanous designs against the poorwretch whom he had so long made the sport of his abhorred inventions.
Let me repeat, that I am quite sick of life; and of an earth, in whichinnocent and benevolent spirits are sure to be considered as aliens, andto be made sufferers by the genuine sons and daughters of that earth.
How unhappy, that those letters only which could have acquainted me withhis horrid views, and armed me against them, and against the vileness ofthe base women, should fall into his hands!--Unhappier still, in that myvery escape to Hampstead gave him the opportunity of receiving them.
Nevertheless, I cannot but still wonder, how it was possible for thatTomlinson to know what passed between Mr. Hickman and my uncle Harlowe:*a circumstance which gave the vile impostor most of his credit with me.
* See the note in Letter LXX. of this volume.
How the wicked wretch himself could find me out at Hampstead, must alsoremain wholly a mystery to me. He may glory in his contrivances--he, whohas more wickedness than wit, may glory in his contrivances!--But, afterall, I shall, I humbly presume to hope, be happy, when he, poor wretch,will be--alas!--who can say what!----
Adieu, my dearest friend!--May you be happy!--And then your Clarissacannot be wholly miserable!
END OF VOL. 6.
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