She was rambling, blurting out anything that came into her head in order not to think about the things he'd said or was going to say. She couldn't process it all. Drinking blood? Oh. My. God.
Andre made a single sound deep in his throat. He caught her fingers and brought them to his mouth, brushing kisses over them. His eyes had gone from thunder to warmth. From glacier to tropical. He was so beautiful she ached.
"Tet vigyazam."
He whispered the words in his own language. Soft. Sweet. Husky. Like he meant them. Her heart turned over. Whatever he said, it meant something big. Something she needed to know. Something huge.
"You will not have to stake me," he assured her in that silky, smooth voice. "Still, you need to know why I must proceed with this course of action. I do not, as a rule, explain myself. I have never done so, not that I can remember. I say this so you know how much you matter to me. How much your peace of mind matters to me."
She swallowed hard. He was going to tell her about the one memory that had never faded. The one time he had been terrified. She had tried to distract him, although she'd meant exactly what she'd said.
"Andre." She tried to dissuade him, but already, she could see the memories in his mind. She could feel the way he felt that day, so long ago.
He was young. Seventeen. A mere babe in the eyes of his people. The night was beautiful, with a thousand stars spreading like diamonds overhead. She could see him moving through a thick forest, using long strides, his manner utterly confident, although she knew as Andre walked along the narrow deer path there were wild animals close by. Predators. Bears. A wolf pack. Much more than she thought possible in a forest.
Even the mountains looked different. She wasn't certain where in the Carpathian Mountains he was. The forest was dense, the trees lush with vegetation. An abundance of wildlife was everywhere. Andre's memory was so vivid she could actually smell the various animals each time the wind shifted even minutely. For some reason, looking into his memory, when it should have been carefree and happy, she felt a sense of dread. Of something evil creeping through the forest and moving toward the young Andre. She wanted to call out a warning. Instead she tightened her hold on the man whose arms locked her so close.
"This isn't necessary, Andre. There's no need to relive this."
"It is necessary, Teagan, for you to understand. I have lived this nightmare for centuries. You are the only one I have shared it with."
Centuries. Oh no. There it was again. Those little slipups she was afraid weren't real slipups. She knew Andre was deliberately slipping them into the conversation, getting her used to the idea that he had actually lived centuries. He was a man who didn't make mistakes. She wanted to childishly put her hands over her ears and sing la la la until he stopped talking. She wanted to be a coward, but she was looking into his beautiful blue eyes and once again she was lost.
If this was Andre's only memory left from his childhood, and the only time he could remember experiencing fear, she knew it was going to be bad. On the other hand, she liked the idea that she was the only one he shared this life-changing experience with. She did want to be that woman for him. She just didn't want the blood drinking. Or anything else weird.
Andre pulled her stiff body onto his lap and nuzzled her neck. "I need to share this with you, Teagan. Do this for me, but I will not force it on you. It is a memory, nothing more."
She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder, her eyes wide. "That's the first time you've ever lied to me. I can feel that it's a lie. It isn't just a memory, it's so much more than that."
"Perhaps, but nevertheless, it is a memory. In the past."
She had to make a decision. He had lived with this terrible memory possibly for centuries. She still wasn't ready to go there all the way with him, but this--this was different. She was a healer and this was a terrible raw wound that had never closed. She knew she would do almost anything for him, even if it was going to hurt. Instinctively she knew whatever he was going to tell her was going to affect her for the rest of her life. Like Andre, she would never forget it.
Teagan relaxed into him. No matter what. No matter what he was or how angry he made her, Andre was hers. He belonged to her, and the rightness of that couldn't be denied. She had to share this memory with him. She turned slightly so she could lift a hand to his face and cup his jaw.
"Let me see, then." Teagan gave the invitation softly. She didn't try to hide that she wanted to be there for him. That she felt he did belong to her and she to him. They were already in each other's minds. He would know she was feeling all soft and loving toward him in spite of everything.
She couldn't help herself. It wasn't just his "binding" them together, because she still wasn't sure about how that worked, or how real it was. No, this was all Teagan. Her compassion and empathy for others, but especially him. This was a gift and she was taking it.
She used the pads of her fingers to smooth over his jaw. She loved the line of him, masculine and tough with a permanent five-o'clock shadow that made him look even more handsome than ever.
Her heart went out to him. At times he seemed so absolutely alone. She knew what that was like--clearly not on the same scale as he did, but still, she ached for him.
"I want to be your woman, Andre," she murmured, and leaned in to brush a kiss across his lips. "I just think maybe--sadly--you got it wrong. I don't know if I'm the woman you need and want. I'm very modern and I really, really have trouble with anyone telling me what to do and making decisions for me."
His hand moved up to her hair. She knew instantly he would have preferred it down. He liked the idea of feeling it in his hands. He'd fantasized how it would feel sliding over his body, but he didn't say anything. He didn't try to take out the intricate braid work.
"I know you, Teagan," he replied softly. "I see who you are. You are the woman for me. You brought me out of the darkness and into the light. There is no other."
She leaned in and nuzzled his throat, inhaling the scent of him into her lungs. Sorrow clung to him. Deep. As if whatever happened all those years ago, he felt it just as if it had happened that very day.
"My emotions have returned. They are . . . overwhelming at times. I am working to get them under control."
The admission coupled with his fingers massaging the nape of her neck sent little flutters of awareness down her spine. She did what she always did when she needed time to process. She ignored all the things she didn't want to think about and went with her heart.
"Tell me, Andre. I want to know."
He leaned into her and very gently took her face between his hands, his gaze capturing hers for a long minute. She felt herself falling into his eyes. He brushed his mouth over hers with infinite gentleness.
"Thank you, sivamet. You have already lightened my heart."
He settled her more comfortably on his lap, wrapping his arms around her. She didn't know if he was comforting her, or needed the comfort himself.
"In those days, life was very different. There were much fewer people in the area where I grew up. I had no other siblings. My mother hadn't been able to have children and when she had me, something went wrong with her mind. Maybe something had always been wrong with her, I do not really know. According to those who knew her, she really withdrew from the world after that difficult birth. There was only my father for her. No one else could reach her."
His hand found hers and he pulled it close to him, his fingers tight around hers. "I felt like the ghost they always call me. I was there, but not. She didn't see me or acknowledge me in any way. My father was very occupied with her, so most of the time, I was a ghost to him as well."
Teagan detested that. Her childhood had been one of love and laughter. She hadn't known anyone called him "Ghost." That bothered her, too. But mostly it was the way Andre spoke, as if none of it mattered to him. That wasn't the cause of his sorrow. He didn't reflect on his childhood as bad or good. It simply was.
"There were a lot of wars bac
k then. Carpathians stayed out of them as much as possible. We had no interest in politics, but sometimes the fighting spilled over to our homes even though we were so remote."
She listened intently. At least he hadn't said "centuries ago," which helped her concentrate on the story and keep everything else at bay.
"I was alone a lot. I wandered around on my own most of the time, but eventually I met a human family--the Boroi family."
She pushed down her shock. Andre had introduced himself with that surname. She stayed quiet, wanting more now, needing to share his past.
"They lived in a little hut hidden deep in the forest. They had a few animals and not much else, but they were family."
His hand slipped from hers to span her rib cage, just below her breasts. His chin nuzzled the top of her head.
"Much like the family you grew up with," he added, "they loved one another fiercely. They were the closest I'd ever gotten to knowing what a family should be. I met their son, Euard, first. He was my age. His little sister, Elena, was a bit younger, and we all became good friends. They would come out at night and roam the forest with me. I was careful not to be anything but human. I protected our people, but Euard and Elena became my family."
"What were they like?" Teagan asked gently, wanting him to remember something other than the horror of his only childhood memory--something warm and loving. His voice was very wooden, as if he was reaching to find the good part of his childhood.
He was silent a moment. She was in his mind and she felt him searching. Reaching. Trying to find those recollections. His fingers began a slow massage over her ribs. She felt them trailing absently to her belly button and back up to the undersides of her breasts. She knew he was completely absorbed in trying to remember his childhood friends and not paying any attention to his hands. She liked that he was using her as his anchor.
"Elena was beautiful and sweet. She laughed all the time. She liked to spin in circles with her arms out. I remember she would call to me and tell me to spin with her. Euard would shake his head like he thought she was crazy, but he'd spin with her just as I would. She brought joy to her parents and Euard. I knew because their faces lit up the moment she came into a room."
His voice was soft and she could actually see Elena with him. She had long, dark hair and gleaming brown eyes. She was young, no more than ten or eleven. With her was a boy of about sixteen or seventeen.
The two memories came alive in Andre's mind and instantly she felt, not joy, but intense sorrow. Overwhelming sorrow. Anger. Guilt. The emotions poured into him and she felt his body tense. Deliberately she relaxed and breathed deep, in and out, using her meditative breathing in the hopes his breathing would follow hers. She circled his neck with her arms and fit her face into his shoulder, trying to comfort him.
Already, her compassion and empathy for him had her close to tears. She had to hold it together. She knew the moment she fell apart, Andre would stop sharing. He was like that. If she was making a list of the reasons why she was so completely enamored with him, that would be one of the many reasons. She smoothed his hair and pressed a kiss to his throat before settling once again.
"She sounds beautiful."
"She was like her mother. Dorina." There was wonder in his voice. "I did not ever think I would forget her. I had never seen sunshine, but I knew, if I did, it would be like Dorina Boroi. She worked hard, the little tiny hut was clean and always smelled of good things. More than anything I can remember the smells. She must have known Euard and Elena were sneaking out at night because she followed them. She invited me home right away. Her husband, Ion, was just as wonderful to me as they were, although gruff and offhand, like I didn't matter, but I did. I could tell. They all saw me."
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I think she even knew I wasn't human, but she welcomed me into her home and she made me one of them. She loved her children. She loved her husband. She came to love me. I could feel it every time I was in her home. She made me one of her children."
His voice had gone soft and Teagan knew he loved Ion, Dorina, Euard and Elena as if they were his own family. That was why the memory was the only one he had left. The human family that "saw" him was far more real to him than the Carpathian couple he was only a ghost to. Her heart turned over for him. He had known love, he just hadn't remembered until this moment. With her. He'd shared something personal and beautiful with her and she would always treasure that gift.
12
That night, I could not wait to go see them," Andre continued. "My mother had wandered farther down a path that was far from even my father. He told me it was time he took her to another realm where they could be together again. He said I would be fine, that other couples would look out for me. He had made arrangements."
Teagan pressed her lips together to keep from blurting anything out. She couldn't imagine her grandmother ever treating her or her sisters that way. She felt the burn of tears and blinked rapidly, grateful her face was pressed against his shoulder and he couldn't see her face.
"Csitri."
There was that voice. All silk and velvet, brushing over her like his mouth might do. She shivered and burrowed closer, her stomach turning a little somersault and a melting sensation around her heart.
His arms tightened. "You are in my mind and I am in yours. Do not try to hide your tears from me. It was all a long time ago."
But it wasn't. Not for Andre. It was yesterday. An hour ago. It was that moment. She knew the wound was raw and had never healed. A little sound escaped her throat but she nodded, trying to blink a lot to hold back tears.
"The Boroi family were wonderful people."
"Yes. They took me into their hearts, and I brought them pain and death. Excruciating pain."
His sorrow pressed down on her in waves. She breathed through it, determined to share his worst nightmare.
"What did you mean, your father was taking your mother to another realm? What does that mean?"
"Every healer we knew tried to help her. She was bound to my father so he was the only one able to reach her, to talk to her. No one else. I cannot remember a single word she ever spoke to me. She would walk right past me, even if I stood in front of her, talking to her, trying to get her to see me, but she never did. My father walked with her into the sun."
She closed her eyes. Clearly his father had killed his mother and then committed suicide. How terrible. She couldn't imagine having her grandmother calmly tell her that she intended to kill a loved one and then herself. She stayed quiet, trying to surround him with as much comfort as she could give him.
"I knew it was coming," Andre admitted. "I just did not expect it so soon. I left the house because I knew I could not talk my father out of it and it was difficult to face the fact that I was already a ghost to him as well. Over the last few years, he had distanced himself from me as well. That was why I clung to Dorina, Ion and their children. I needed them that night."
She understood. There were no authorities that could possibly stop his father. No one could, she saw that in his mind. He didn't have the ability either. Not physically and not verbally. He saw himself as a ghost in his home. He could argue and try to talk his father out of it, but he knew they wouldn't hear him. No one would hear him. Teagan pushed her finger into her mouth and bit down to keep from crying. She would hear this. He had gone through it and he needed to know she was strong enough to hear what had shaped his life and made him who he was.
Teagan pushed deeper into his mind and was surprised that she could. She had a vague notion that she could protect him from the horror of whatever it was that happened--and she knew there was far more than his father telling him he was going to kill his mother and then himself. Much more.
She was a healer, and she knew something about shields. She wished she had some healing stones with her, but she hadn't brought them. Only the one she wore around her neck. She wrapped one hand around the stone and let him take her with him into the deep forest.
She smelled wi
ldflowers. Fox. She knew there were kits, snuggled with their mother in a den close to the narrow deer path Andre traveled on. She heard the music in the silver leaves of the trees. Still, in spite of the beauty of the night, the blanket of stars overhead, sorrow pressed deep.
Andre needed the sound of Elena's laughter. He wanted to see her face light up with joy when he arrived. He needed Dorina to ease the terrible ache inside of him--to welcome him the way she always did with a quick hug. Ion ruffled his hair and always clapped a hand to his shoulder and gave him a welcoming shake. Euard would try to hand him food. He always did, although Andre never took it. Never once had Andre used a single family member for sustenance. They were far too precious to him and he never wanted to put them at risk.
He quickened his pace, fighting back the sorrow pushing deep at him. His chest was heavy, the pressure burning. He tried to think about how Elena sounded when she spun in circles, her arms outstretched to the sky, her hands graceful, and her fingers fluttering. Sometimes the moonlight spilled over her and she looked ethereal. Other times she was laughing so much she looked the child she was, bright and beautiful and happy. Andre tried to remember, as he hurried toward their hut, the times when Euard spun with her and even Dorina and Andre joined them.
The smell hit him first because the wind shifted again, and the scent of burning flesh drifted through the trees. He stopped, his breath catching in his throat. Then the faint, terror-filled screams followed on the next gust. He recognized Dorina's voice. Something terrible had happened.
He forgot everything else and sped toward them, no longer pretending to be human or caring that he might get caught. He used the preternatural speed of his kind, streaking toward the small hut as quickly as possible. He saw Ion first. There in the front of the house. He was lying on the ground, his face turned toward Andre as he settled to earth and emerged from the trees.