Jasper shrugged. I would of shrugged back at him only shrugging isn’t easy when you’re holding 2 Tesco bags so I just said something stupid instead like I know how.
—Listen. If you really don’t give a monkey’s about the game you might as well come up with me and watch it on telly. I’ll tell you everything you need for your next bloody dinner party. I’ll talk you through why the Arsenal are the greatest team on earth.
—Are you serious? said Jasper Black. I do hope you are because I’d love to.
—It’s just for the company. I want to get that clear. I mean you can talk if you want but we aren’t going to have sex again.
—Really? said Jasper Black. What a shame.
—Yes. I mean it was lovely and everything but there isn’t going to be any more. I was in a state when it happened. I was a bundle of nerves but now I’m over it. I love my husband and he’s getting out of bomb disposal first thing Monday morning. So I’m not going to get in a state any more. And now that’s clear as mud do you still want to come up?
—Well that depends, said Jasper Black. You’re not going to feed me eel pie or anything are you?
—No. I’m making fish fingers. It isn’t irony it’s lunch.
Up in the flat I stuck the telly on. It was the buildup for the big game. Viv Anderson and Andy Gray were moaning on about how the new stadium didn’t have the same atmosphere as Highbury. Then they started joking about what Gunners fans were really calling the place instead of Emirates effing Stadium and it was a laugh on account of Gunners fans have a terrible mouth on them so they weren’t allowed to actually say it. They were showing a shot of the new ground from the air and you could see the supporters arriving in 2 big rivers 1 red 1 blue. They never let the fans mix in the roads round the stadium. Well you wouldn’t would you? You think you’ve seen jihad Osama but I’m telling you you haven’t seen anything till you’ve seen what happens if they let Arsenal and Chelsea fans mix going into a game.
The atmosphere was incredible even Jasper Black was gawping at the telly. There was a huge roar coming from the supporters already inside the ground but more and more were arriving all the time. 60 thousand they reckoned the new stadium could hold and it looked like it was going to have to. It was May Day and it was lovely and sunny and it was the last game of the Premiership for both clubs and the Gunners were only 1 point ahead of Chelsea so no prizes for guessing half of London wanted in to that game.
I left Jasper Black in the lounge while I put the fish fingers under the grill. I always loved fish fingers ever since I was a little girl. I love watching them turn from yellow to browny gold always exactly the same.
—4 alright for you?
—Yes, said Jasper Black. 4 is perfect.
—Good. We’ll have them with chips.
I got the chips out of the freezer and into the microwave. Jasper came in from the lounge and just then his mobile rang. He flipped it open and said hello Petra and held the phone a bit away from his ear. I heard Petra’s voice coming out of Jasper Black’s phone and it sounded posh and tinny like the Queen of England wrapped in BacoFoil. Jasper Black looked straight at me.
—Yes, he said. Yes I’m on my way to the match now. What? Oh god Petra don’t you have enough shoes already? Well alright then. Do try to leave a little something in the bank account. Just in case we need to buy anything tedious like food or electricity. Yes. Yes I will fuck off now. You be a good girl. Kiss kiss. Bye.
Jasper closed the phone back up and looked at it for a second before he put it in his pocket.
—So that was Petra, he said.
—Shopping.
—Yes, said Jasper Black. She does that.
—Do you love her?
—Yes.
—So what the hell are you doing here?
—Can I look around your flat? said Jasper Black.
Jasper Black started walking around the flat looking into the other rooms. It didn’t take long there were only 4 of them. The bathroom the lounge and the 2 bedrooms.
—So this is your little boy’s room, he said.
I supposed it was. I mean I couldn’t see where he was looking I was still in the kitchen with my eye on the fish fingers.
—You’ve done it up terribly nicely, he said.
—Yes it’s a cracking room my husband built the bed and I sewed the curtains.
Jasper Black came back into the kitchen. He was carrying a photo of my boy.
—You must be ever so proud to have such a handsome son, he said.
—Yes he’s a pretty little boy. Takes after his mother ha ha ha.
—Yes, he said. I can see where he gets the looks from.
—You want kids?
—I’d love kids, said Jasper Black. It’s just that Petra would take them out shopping and I don’t think the global economy could survive the adrenalin rush.
—Hmm?
The microwave pinged. The chips were ready. Jasper Black looked out of the kitchen window down into the grubby backside of the estate where the plastic bags swirled.
—Seriously though. I’d love kids, he said.
—What’s stopping you?
—It’s not the right time in Petra’s career, he said.
—On the up-and-up is she?
—We both are, said Jasper Black.
I put the chips out onto 2 plates.
—So what do the pair of you actually do for your living?
Jasper Black shrugged.
—Petra does fashion and I do social comment, he said. We’re columnists. We write the first thing that comes into our heads.
I looked at him funny.
—What? he said. You think all that bullshit writes itself?
—No I mean I wouldn’t of thought you’d say that.
—I’m sure Petra wouldn’t, he said. I’m sure she’d tell you her lifestyle column constituted a useful social barometer and a zesty forum for the exchange of invigorating ideas.
—But you don’t reckon?
Jasper pushed out his bottom lip and held up the photo of my boy.
—I reckon it would be different if I had a child, he said. I reckon I’d have a hard time convincing myself that my 800 words a week were making his world better. I wrote a piece about AIDS in Africa last month. I don’t know anyone with AIDS. I’ve never been to Africa. But my piece won a prize. So fuck it. Is that going to be enough chips?
—It’s going to have to be.
I served up the fish fingers next to the chips and we ate off our knees in the lounge watching the telly. Kickoff was at 3. The stands were already packed and the crowd was deafening it always made me jumpy.
—I’d forgotten how delicious fish fingers were, said Jasper Black.
—It’s no trouble it was all frozen.
The telly roared. The players were out of the tunnel now. They were warming up on the pitch.
—So talk me through it, said Jasper Black. Tell me what’s going on and what would be a good result.
—Well we’re in red and Chelsea are in blue and a good result would be if we thrashed them so bad they never felt like kicking a football ever again in their pathetic little lives.
—Wow, he said. You really care about this don’t you?
The telly was showing the starting lineups. I cleared the plates away. Jasper Black followed me back into the kitchen. I turned around when I got to the sink and I looked at him standing there in his smart clothes all fidgety.
—Look. I don’t know what this is all about. What exactly is it you want with me Jasper Black?
—See? he said. There you go again getting straight to the point. Clearing the air. It’s very original.
I ran hot water into the sink. I gave it a squirt of original green Fairy Liquid.
—Well? I asked you a question. What do you want from me?
—I don’t know, he said. I’ve been asking myself the same question endlessly since the other night.
—Because if you need a new girlfriend then that isn’t me. And if
you want a child you’re going to have to sort that out between you and Petra aren’t you? I’ve already got a family and I love them. All I need for the rest of my life is to fall asleep with them every night and wake up with them every morning.
—I know, said Jasper Black. I would hate to do anything to spoil that.
—Don’t flatter yourself. I won’t let you do anything to spoil it.
—God, said Jasper Black. You’re so different from Petra.
—Yes I can imagine. About 100 grand a year different I should think.
—Not what I meant, said Jasper Black. You’re not into all the endless bullshit. You’re strong.
—Strong? Don’t make me laugh. I’m a bundle of nerves. You’ve seen what I’m like.
—You were just having a stressful night, said Jasper Black. What I mean is you’re strong because you know what you want.
—Don’t you have what you want? Posh newspaper job. Aston Martin. That’d be enough for most people I should of thought.
—I thought that was what I wanted, said Jasper Black. You make me think I want different things. Simple things. Fish fingers. You bother me.
Well that made me laugh.
—I think I quite like bothering you Jasper Black.
My heart started hammering Osama I couldn’t believe what I’d just said I would of done anything to take it back but it was out now wasn’t it? I could hear my voice inside me screaming here you go again you terrible bloody girl. Your husband hasn’t been out of the house half an hour and here you go again.
Jasper Black grinned. I took off my trainers and my socks and I handed them to him. He reached out and took them like a lemon.
—Does this bother you?
—Um, said Jasper Black.
I took off my jeans and my T-shirt. I folded them over Jasper’s arm. The one that was holding my trainers.
—What about this? Does this bother you?
—Yes, said Jasper Black. Look at me I’m getting all flustered.
—Well then. See what happens when you get yourself mixed up with the hoi polloi.
I stuck my tongue out and I took off my bra. It was brilliant watching his eyes go wide. It’s true what the Sun says. THEY ONLY WANT 1 THING. I handed my bra to Jasper Black and he reached out and took it. He held it up and frowned like he didn’t get what he was supposed to do with the thing. It’s the same way you’d hold a tax demand from the Inland Revenue Osama. Just after you took it out of the envelope and just before you shoved it down the back of the sofa along with all those letters begging you for mercy.
—I don’t know what to say, said Jasper Black. This really isn’t what I had in mind.
—Yeah. Well listen don’t take this the wrong way but you’re one of those people who if we waited till we knew what you had in mind we’d be here all day and then it wouldn’t matter what it was you had in mind because my husband would be back home and he’d kick your teeth in.
Jasper Black swallowed.
—Fair point, he said.
—Yeah. I do try to be fair.
I took off my knickers and I tucked them into his shirt pocket. I was grinning like an idiot. On the telly next door the ref blew his whistle. The crowd gave a roar. The game was starting. I skipped into the lounge and lay on my tummy on the sofa watching the telly in the altogether.
Robert Pires made a long run down the left side and Jasper Black laid his hand on my bum. I shivered. Pires gave it to Cesc Fabregas. Fabregas ran the ball between 2 blue shirts. Jasper Black ran his fingers down between my buttocks. Fabregas looked around for support. I raised my bum up a bit and Fabregas found Thierry Henry. Jasper Black found my clitoris and Thierry Henry struck it on the half volley and I gasped. Thierry Henry’s shot went in sweet and low and so did Jasper Black the crowd went wild. Chelsea walked the ball back to the centre line Jasper Black was working his fingers in and out of me the crowd on the East Stand were singing 1 NIL TO THE ARSENAL. I smiled I was so happy. We were going to win the Premiership it was obvious. I knew my husband and my boy were singing their hearts out there on the East Stand. They would of been feeling great. I was feeling great too.
Neither side had many chances in the next 10 minutes. The game went all scrappy. I looked out at the street through the net curtains. Jasper Black was inside me all the way in very smooth and nice. I watched the street so calm and quiet in the sunshine. I sighed it was all so perfect. I half closed my eyes. Out on the street 3 kids were mucking around on their bikes. Turning in slow circles with the sun flashing on their spokes. An old dear was walking back from Tesco with her shopping trolley. She swerved to go round some dog mess. It was a perfectly ordinary day. My husband and my boy were happy. Jasper Black was moving inside me and there were hot shivers shooting all through my guts while I watched those kids turning circles on their bikes. It was a perfectly ordinary day in heaven.
I started to moan. The shivers were all through my body now flashing up and down my spine and exploding in my fingertips. I had to bite on the sofa cushion to stop myself screaming. There was a roar from the telly. Gael Clichy and Pires were playing 1-2s fast up the left. Jasper Black was moving quicker inside me it was obvious Arsenal were going to score again I was going to explode I couldn’t stand it. Pires lifted the ball across to Robin van Persie then van Persie struck it on the volley then Jasper Black was gasping. I felt gorgeous and you could see van Persie’s shot looping high and wide then curling back in towards the goal mouth. The Arsenal fans were coming to their feet behind the goal in their red shirts red hats red scarves their mouths were open they were screaming and I was screaming too. Everyone knew it was going in. The keeper was beaten and my whole body was in convulsions and you could see the ball curl in towards the goal tighter and tighter and then the whole East Stand exploded in flames.
* * *
At first I thought the telly was bust. There was a flash and I thought the tube was blown. But the ball was still there and the goalposts were still there. It was just the stand behind the goal that had disappeared in a white cloud. It looked like a fog bank. I wondered how fog had suddenly got itself into Arsenal’s brand-new stadium like that.
All those fans that had been standing up to scream for the goal. Well. They were just gone. I couldn’t work it out. I was watching the ball. It was still curling in towards the goal and then it slowed down in midair. Now it was shooting back the way it had come. It was flying backwards from the goal and I couldn’t work it out. I started counting. I know it’s daft really but I just started counting the way you do when you see lightning. The picture on the telly wobbled. The camera was shaking. The sound cut out. Everything went very quiet. Jasper Black stopped moving inside me. Oh fuck he said oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. One, I said. Two three four.
I was just counting. I was thinking nothing much I was watching the telly. The fog bank faded into a big dirty ball of smoke and orange flame boiling up where the East Stand used to be. The keeper was flat on his face he wasn’t moving. The flames rolled over him. Van Persie was still looking where his shot had gone. He followed the ball with his eyes. The ball flew back towards him and bounced right beside him and so did a man’s arm. It was a strong hairy arm. A chippie’s arm maybe. You could see the tats on it. The hand was open like it was reaching for something. The arm hit the ground hand first. It tumbled end over end for a bit and then it stuck into the turf. There must of been a spike of bone or something sticking out of the arm and the spike jammed in the ground. It looked like some chippie was trying to climb out of the earth. Van Persie was just staring at it. Fuck fuck fuck said Jasper Black oh my fucking Jesus Christ. Five I said. Six seven eight.
Some of the players were down and the rest were running now. They were running for the tunnel ahead of the waves of smoke and fire and some of them didn’t make it. The other players had their arms up to cover their heads because half the Gunners fan club was falling down around them in bits. There were feet and halves of faces and big lumps of stuff in Arsenal shirts with long ro
pes spilling behind them like strings of sausages I suppose it was guts. All of it was falling out of the top of the screen. It didn’t seem real. I looked out at the street. It was still very sunny and quiet out there. The old dear was shuffling off up the road and the 3 kids were still turning slow circles on their bikes. Nine I said. Ten eleven twelve.
Then the windows of the flat started to rattle. There was a low boom and then a sharp bang and the windows shook harder. After the first boom was over it echoed and rumbled all up and down the street. It went on for the longest time this thunder. The kids stopped their bikes and looked up into the blue sky. They couldn’t work it out. I couldn’t work it out myself. I only found out later that the telly pictures travelled faster than sound.
Jasper Black pulled out of me. I felt so empty. There had been something inside me but now there was nothing. I thought about my husband and my boy in their Arsenal shirts and I looked back at the telly. The smoke was everywhere now. The picture had gone almost dark it was like night had fallen on the stadium. The crowd was bursting onto the pitch. They were running in all directions. It was a total panic under this rain of blood and chunks. The crowd couldn’t see where they were going with all the dark and the blood. They didn’t have a chance. Lots of them fell and the ones that were still running ran over them. Then it all stopped.
Sky put on their test card. It was just a black background and the Sky logo and a message that said WHY NOT UPGRADE TO SKY DIGITAL? Yes I thought. Why not?
Jasper Black was pulling his trousers on. He tripped over and stood up again he was saying Oh god this is just too horrible. He tripped again he couldn’t make his arms and legs do what he wanted. I stood up and I went over to the telly and changed channels to the BBC. I was cold. I was wearing only my birthday suit.
It was Grandstand on the BBC and they were showing the racing. It was nice to see those horses scampering round on the soft green grass. Things looked very neat and tidy at Lingfield or Chepstow or wherever it was. No blood no fire just miles and miles of nice clean white fence. It was like fish fingers it was a great comfort always the same round and round forever and ever amen. But then the horses vanished and Sophie Raworth was just sitting down in the newsroom. Her skin was very pale. She didn’t have her nice orange makeup on and she looked like the ghost of Sophie Raworth it made me nervous. She looked at the wrong camera and she fiddled with the thing in her ear. News is just coming in she said.