A silence followed my words, and I realized I had shocked her. Then she said, gently, “I am glad that, at last, you have found that resolve. I speak now as a woman and your friend. Do not go to Molly too soon. Let her son come home to her first. Let her family heal around their terrible wound. Then, approach her, but as yourself, not as a man coming to take Burrich's place. ”
I knew her words were wise as soon as I heard them. But my heart howled to rush to Molly as soon as I could, to begin, as soon as possible, to make up the years we had lost. I wanted to comfort her in her grief. I bowed my head, realizing the selfishness of that impulse. Hard as it would be for me to stand to one side and wait, it was what I should do, for the sake of Burrich's sons.
Page 297
“And the same for Nettle,” Kettricken went on implacably. “She will soon know that something has changed when I do not call on her to pass messages to Dutiful for me. Yet, if you will listen to me, do not rush to her. Above all, do not try to replace her father. For such Burrich was to her, Fitz, through no fault of your own. Such he will always be. You will have to find another role in her life, and be content with it. ”
They were bitter words for me to hear, and more bitter still was it for me to admit, “I know. ” I sighed. “I will teach her the Skill. That time, I will have with her. ”
I resumed my tale for the Queen, and by the time I reached the end of it, the pot of tea was gone. I was a bit abashed to see that I had cleared the table of food. I suspected that Kettricken had eaten little of it. I blinked my sandy eyes and tried to stifle a huge yawn. She smiled at me wearily.
“Go and sleep, Fitz. ”
“Thank you. I shall. ” Then, well aware I was not supposed to know her identity, I asked the Queen, “If you would speak to Chade's new apprentice, it would be of great help to me. The third storeroom in the east hall is where he used to have supplies left for Thick to bring up to his tower room. As soon as the Fool can travel, I plan to bring him back to Buckkeep. The tower room might be the best place for him to stay, until he can shed his identity as Lord Golden. Chade's apprentice could stock the room if she—” And there I bit my tongue, knowing I'd betrayed myself in my weariness.
Queen Kettricken gave me a tolerant smile. “I'll tell Lady Rosemary to make the arrangements. And if I need you?”
I pondered briefly, then realized the obvious. “Ask Nettle to contact Thick. ”
She shook her head. “I plan to send Nettle home to her family for a time. They need her. It is not fair that they be apart at this time. ”
I nodded. “Thick will be about. You could keep him at your side. It might be a good way to occupy him and keep him from telling too many tales of how he came home. ”
She nodded gravely. I bowed, suddenly horribly weary.
“Go, Fitz, and take my thanks with you. Oh!” The sharpness of her intake of breath warned me.
“What?”
“Lady Patience is expected. She sent me word of her visit at the same time that she told me she wished to convey Withywoods on Lady Nettle. She also warned me that she wished to ‘consult me on serious matters concerning certain inheritances that should be provided for now. ' ”
There was little point in mincing words. “I am sure she knows that Nettle is my daughter. Eda help the poor child if Patience has decided to take over her education. ” I smiled ruefully at my remembrance of Patience's instruction of me.
Queen Kettricken nodded to that. Solemnly she asked, “What is the saying? All your chickens have come home to roost?”
“I think that's it. But strangely enough, my lady queen, I welcome them. ”
“I am glad to hear you say so. ” She nodded to me that I was excused.
I left the room, and the climb back up to Chade's tower seemed endless. When I got there, I lay down on the bed. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but it suddenly seemed the Skill-current was very near. Perhaps it was because of my long exercise with it that morning. I opened my eyes and became aware I could smell myself. I heaved a sigh and decided that getting cleaned up before I slept would not be a bad idea.
Once more I wound my way through the immense old castle, avoiding the guardroom and the inevitable barrage of questions. I found the steams relatively deserted at that time of day. The two guardsmen there did not know me, and while they greeted me affably enough, they asked no questions. I was as much relieved at that as I was to scrape the whiskers from my face. I gave myself a most thorough scrubbing and then, feeling as if I had been parboiled, emerged clean and ready to sleep.
Nettle was waiting for me outside the steams.
Chapter 33
FAMILY
So I shall have to travel to Buckkeep, in the heat of summer, because I dare not trust either the tidings I bring or the items that must be transferred to a courier. My old Lacey has declared she will make the journey with me, despite a weakness of her breath that has taken her lately. I beg that, for her sake, you will find us quarters that do not require the climbing of too many stairs.
I will require a private audience with you, for the time has come when I should reveal a secret I have concealed for many years. As you are not a stupid woman, I suspect you have guessed part of it already, but I should still like to sit down and discuss with you what had best be done for the good of the young woman involved.
Page 298
— MISSIVE FROM LADY PATIENCE TO QUEEN KETTRICKEN
I knew her at once by her close-cropped head. But there her resemblance to my dream-image of her stopped. The traveling dress she wore was green, cut for riding, and she carried a cloak of sensible brown homespun. Plainly, she saw herself as looking like her mother, for thus she had appeared in my dreams. To my eyes, she more strongly resembled Molly's father but with some Farseer elements thrown into the mix. It was a Farseer gaze that she fixed on me as I emerged, at once dashing my hope that I might walk past her unrecognized. I halted where I stood.
I froze and waited dumbly for what might come. She continued to regard me levelly. After a moment, she said quietly, “Do you think that if you stand very still, I can't see you, Shadow Wolf?”
I smiled foolishly. Her voice was low-pitched, deeper than one might expect in a girl, like Molly's at that age. “I . . . no, of course not. I know you can see me. But . . . how did you know me?”
She came two steps closer. I looked around us and then I walked away from the steams, well aware that for a young noblewoman of the Buckkeep court to be seen casually chatting with an older guardsman might excite gossip. She walked beside me, following me unquestioningly as I led her toward a secluded bench in the Women's Garden. “Oh, it was very easy. You had promised you'd reveal yourself to me, did you not? I knew you were coming home. Dutiful said as much when we spoke last night, that soon I would be freed of these duties for a time. So, when the Queen summoned me and told me I might return home, to comfort my mother for a time, I knew what it meant. That you were here. Then. ” And she smiled, a genuine smile of pleasure. “I encountered Thick, on his way up to the Queen as I was leaving her. I knew him by his music, as well as by his name. And he knew me, at first glance. Such a hug he gave me! It shocked Lady Sydel, but she will recover. I asked Thick where his traveling companion was. He shut his eyes for a moment, and told me, ‘In the steams. ' So I came and I waited there. ”
I wished that Thick had warned me. “And you knew me when you saw me?”
She gave a small hmph. “I recognized the dismay on your face at being found out. None of the other men who have come out gawked at me that way. ” She gave me a sideways glance, well pleased with herself, but there were little sparks in her eyes. I wondered if mine looked like that when I was angry. She spoke calmly and competently, just as Molly sometimes used to do when she was storing up fuel for a rage. After a moment's reflection, I decided she had the right to be annoyed with me. I had promised to make myself known to her when I returned.
And I had intended to evade that promise.
“Well. You've found me,” I said lamely, and instantly knew it was exactly the wrong thing to say to her.
“Small thanks to you!” She seated herself solidly on the bench. I stood, well aware of the disparity in our apparent ranks. She had to look up at me, but it did not seem that way when she demanded, “What is your name, sir?”
So I had to give her the name by which I was known when I wore the blue of a Buckkeep Guard. “Tom Badgerlock, my lady. Of the Prince's Guard. ”
She suddenly looked like a cat with a mouse between her paws. “That's convenient for me. The Queen said she would have a guardsman accompany me on my journey home. I'll take you. ” It was a challenge flung down.
“I am not free to go, my lady. ” It sounded like an excuse and I hastily added, “I take over your duties, as you have guessed. I act as go-between for Lord Chade, Prince Dutiful, and our gracious queen. ”
“Surely Thick could do that. ”
“His magic is strong, but he has his limits, my lady. ”
“My lady!” she muttered disdainfully. “And what shall I call you, then? Lord Wolf?” She shook her head, exasperated with me. “I know you are telling me the truth. Worse luck for me. ” Her shoulders slumped suddenly, and her youth and grief were more apparent. “It is not an easy tale I bring home to my mother and brothers. But they deserve to know the manner of our father's death. And that Swift did not abandon him. ” Without thinking, she lifted her hands and ran them through her shortened hair until it stood up in spires and peaks all over her head. “This magic of the Skill has not been an easy burden for me. It has snatched me from my home, and kept me here when my mother needs me most. ” Turning to me accusingly, she demanded, “Why did you choose me, of all people, to give this magic to?”
It shocked me. “I didn't. I didn't choose you. You had it, you were born with the magic. And, for some reason, we connected. I didn't even realize you were there, watching my life, for a very long time. ”
Page 299
“There were times when that was obvious,” she observed, but before I wondered what I had unwittingly shown her of myself, she added, “And now I have it, like some disease, and it means that I am ever in service to my queen. And to King Dutiful, when he succeeds her. I don't suppose you can even imagine what a burden that could be to me. ”
“I have some inkling of it,” I replied quietly. Then, when she continued to sit unmoving before me, I asked her, “Should not you be on your way? Daylight is the best time for travel. ”
“We have just met, and you are so anxious for us to be parted. ” She looked down at the ground beneath her feet. Suddenly, she was Nettle from our dreams as she shook her head and said, “This is not at all how I imagined our first meeting would be. I thought you would be happy to see me, and we would laugh and be friends. ” She gave a small cough and then admitted shyly, “A long time ago, when I first had dreams about you and the wolf, I used to imagine that we would really meet some day. I pretended you would be my age and handsome, in a wolfish way, and find me pretty. That was silly, wasn't it?”
“I'm sorry to have disappointed you,” I said carefully. “I definitely find you pretty, however. ” She gave me a look that said that such compliments from an aging guardsman made her uncomfortable. Her illusions about me had made a barrier I had not expected. I came closer to her, and then crouched down beside her to look up into her eyes. “Could we, perhaps, begin this again?” I put out a hand to her and said, “My name is Shadow Wolf. And Nettle, you cannot imagine how many years I have longed to meet you. ” Without warning, my throat closed tight. I hoped I would not get teary. My daughter hesitated, and then set her hand in mine. It was slender, like a lady's hand should be, but brown from the sun and her palm against mine was callused. The touch strengthened our Skill-bond and it was as if she squeezed my heart rather than my fingers. Even if I had wanted to hide what I felt from her, I could not have done so. I think it breached some wall she had held.
She looked up into my face, on a level with hers now. Our eyes met, and suddenly her lower lip trembled like a baby's. “My papa is dead!” she stammered out. “My papa is dead, and I don't know what to do! How can we go on? Chivalry is such a boy still, and Mama knows nothing of the horses. Already, she speaks of selling them off and moving to a town, saying she cannot abide to be where my father so emphatically is not!” She choked and then gasped, “It's all going to fall apart. I'm going to fall apart! I can't be as strong as everyone expects me to be. But I have to. ” She drew herself up straight and faced me. “I have to be strong,” she repeated, as if that would turn her bones to iron. It seemed to work. No tears. Hers was a desperate courage. I caught her in my arms and held her tight. For the first time in her life or mine, I held my daughter. Her cropped hair was bristly against my chin and all I could think was how much I loved her. I opened myself to her and let it flood from me into her. I felt her shock, both at the depth of my feeling and that a relative stranger would touch her so. I tried to explain.
“I will look after you,” I told her. “I'll look after all of you. I promised . . . I promised your papa I would do that, look after you and your little brothers. And I will. ”
“I don't think you can,” she said. “Not as he did. ” But trying to gentle her words, she added, “I do believe you will try. But there is no one like my papa in the world. No one. ”
For a moment longer, she let me hold her. Then, gently, she disentangled herself from me. Subdued, she said, “My horse will be saddled and waiting. And the guardsman the Queen assigned me will be there, also. ” She took a huge breath, held it, then slowly let it out. “I have to go. There will be a lot to do at home. Mama cannot manage the babies as well as she used to with Papa gone. I'm needed there. ” She found her kerchief and dabbed unshed tears from her eyes.
“Yes. I'm sure you are. ” I hesitated, and then said, “There was a message, from your father. You may think it odd or frivolous, but it was important to him. ”
She looked at me quizzically.
“When Malta comes into season, Ruddy is to stud her. ”
She lifted a hand to her mouth and gave a strangled little laugh. When she caught her breath, she said, “Ever since the mare came to us, he and Chivalry have argued about that. I'll tell him. ” She took two steps away from me and repeated, “I'll tell him. ” Then she whirled and was gone.
I stood for a moment, feeling bereft. Then a sad smile spread over my face. I sat down on the bench and looked out over the Women's Garden. It was summer and the air was rich with the fragrance of both herbs and blossoms, and yet the scent of my daughter's hair was still in my nostrils and I savored it. I stared into the distance over the top of the lilac tree and wondered. It was going to take me longer to get to know my daughter than I had thought. Perhaps there would never be a good time to tell her that I was her father. That piece of information did not seem as important as it once had. Instead, it seemed more important that I find a way to come into their lives without causing pain or discord. It wasn't going to be easy. But I would do it. Somehow.
Page 300
I must have fallen asleep there. When I awoke, it was late afternoon. For a moment, I could not recall where I was, only that I was happy. That was such a rare sensation for me that I lay there, looking up at blue sky through green leaves. Then I became aware that my back was stiff from sleeping on a stone bench, and in the following instant, that I had planned to take food and wine back to the Fool today. Well, it was not too late for that, I told myself. I rose and stretched and rolled the kinks out of my neck and shoulders.
The pathway back to the kitchens led through the herb gardens. At that time of year, lavender and dill and fennel grow tall, and this year they seemed even taller than usual. I heard one woman say querulously to another, “Just see how they've let the gardens go! Disgraceful. Pull up that weed, if you can reach it.
”
Then, as I stepped into view, I recognized Lacey's voice as she said, “I don't think that's a weed, dear heart. I think it's a marigo— Well, it's too late now, whatever it was, you've got it up, roots and all. Give it to me, and I'll throw it in the bushes where no one will find it. ”
And there they were, two dear old ladies, Patience in a summer gown and hat that had probably last seen the light of day when my father was King-in-Waiting. Lacey, as ever, was dressed in the simple robe of a serving woman. Patience carried her slippers in one hand and the torn-out marigold in the other. She looked at me nearsightedly. Perhaps she saw no more than the blue of a guard's uniform as she declared to me sternly, “Well, it didn't belong there!” She shook the offending plant at me. “That's what a weed is, young man, a plant growing in the wrong place, so you needn't stare at me so! Didn't your mother teach you any manners?”
“Oh, dear Eda-of-the-Fields!” Lacey exclaimed. I thought I might still be able to retreat, but then Lacey, stolid, solid Lacey, turned slowly and fainted dead away into the lavender.
“Whatever are you doing, dear? Did you lose something?” Patience exclaimed, peering at her. And then, when she perceived Lacey was supine and unmoving, she turned on me, asking in outrage, “See what you've done now! Frightened the poor old woman to death, you have! Well, don't stand there, you simpleton. Pluck her out of the lavender before she crushes it completely!”
“Yes, ma'am,” I said, and stooping, I lifted her. Lacey had always been a hearty woman, and age had not dwindled her. Nonetheless, I managed to raise her, and even carried her to a shady spot before I set her down on the grass there. Patience had followed us, muttering and shaking her head over how clumsy I was.
“Faints at the drop of a hat she does, now! Poor old dear. Do you feel better now?” She eased herself down beside her companion and patted her hand. Lacey's eyes fluttered.
“I'll fetch some water, shall I?”
“Yes. And hurry. And don't even think of running off, young man. This is all your doing, you know. ”
I ran to the kitchens for a cup and filled it at the well on my way back. By the time I got there, Lacey was sitting up and Lady Patience was fanning her old servant, alternately scolding and sympathizing. “. . . and you know as well as I do how the eyes play tricks on us at our age. Why, only last week, I tried to shoo my wrap off the table, thinking it was the cat. It was the way it was curled, you know. ”