Och Aye! Well thank ye Patreck! Everyone enjoyed that!
Back tae the Grouse ...
ScoUtland es under a scourge by the Englesh, or tae be more accurate, by two Engleshment. One known as semply Mac, who sees hemself as a delegator of work tae other humans rendering hemself free tae dae anytheng he pleases, sech as watching his forty sceurety cameras around and en hes house scrutiniseng the property for people parkeng en front of hes drive so he can run oot en a temper and move them on. He also has a habet of starteng to bueld thengs and then stopping, using a lot of tember ... he thenks he’s the Schubert of the buildeng werld. Hes favourite habet is to order thengs from the enternet and delegate people to stay in for hours or even days on end to receive the goods for hem. Ef they refuse, he throws a tantrum tae make them feel guelty ... never get in a cevel partnershep weth hem.
Hios henchman. the Hannat Man ges aroond choppeng the tember when everyone en the neighberhood is en waiteng for the parcel deliveries whech never tern up. The Hannat Man also sells the tember and makes a pretty penny to support his prestige life.
Ets The Grouse’s main mession to re tember Glencoe when these two dark souled men rob the tember. Ferst of alkl though, the Grouse needed a HQ, bet no ordinary HQ, Grouse needed an ‘on site’ HQ, and, he needed to high en ScoUttesh society. The Grouse needed tae be a Lord, a Lord of Glencoe none the less.
Tae accomplesh thes deed, the Grouse returned to England to non-civilisation. When there he made hes Lordy plans. Ferst step wes tae get hemself a Jamma hat, and that was eisily solved by veseting one of his cety’s fancy dress shops. That solved, the next theng was sapleng trees that would be blessed intae queck growth by the magical powers of Dr Whooo Whooooareye? The one eared long eared owl, wech shuolden’t be a problem wethe Billy the Piper there. At the same time, he would get a shovel and maybe a fork weth whech tae deg the holes tae plant the trees. So, et was off tae Welkinsons.
The Grouse returned hame and got ontae the enternet ... tap tap tap with his fengers whech were connected tae the Universe via the newly energised Grouse mind, and soon he had Highland Titles on the screen. Five minutes later, the Grouse was a Lord of Glencoe, with a reasonably priced kelt of the new McGrousie clan, respected from Hawick up tae the Outer Hebrides and the Orkneys, hames of the Ork, the mysterious ScoUttesh creature I cannae tell ye of as ets too frightening, and the cleverly named Hebrides, the islands of transvestites and transgenders and those people, geven away by the name He Brides. The Hebrides is to trannys and transsexuals etc what Gretna Green es tae other couples desperate tae get married so they can fight legally and then get queckly down tae the subsequent drenking so popular en ScoUtland.
Aye! Och aye! Sae the Grouse was now a Lord of Glencoe complete weth a kelt, a certificate, and land enough tae build hes very ain Skyfall ... well, land being very expensive and he not yet being rich, he could write weth a felt tep the name Skyfall on the side of hes one man tent.
Unfortunately, when the kelt arrived, it was a kelt en ets raw form. By that I mean, not that it was a kelt, but that, one day, it MAY be a kelt. Unfortunately, en the Grouses leveng quarters, there was nae room fer one sewing machine due tae all the cups and plates from the ketchen. Et was therefore back tae the market, and the Grouse perchased of a pair of tartan shorts of the McGrousie clan. Et should be noted that ANY tartan counts as McGrousie, and that it is in the mind where the real clan tartan is chrestened.
The Grouse was a formidable sight en hes Jamma hat, grey T shirt, McGrousie tartan shorts, McGrousie socks and his size 14 trainers ... except that his knees looked a bet knobbly (hes knees and legs were chrestened Peter Crouch by Mother Nature), so the Grouse had tae thenk a wee bet about buildeng up hes leg muscles so that he could outrun a stag. Well ok, we have slight lemetations here, so we well say ... maybe a Triumph Stag weth a fucked gearbox.
Thes ladies and gentlemen brengs us to the tale of the Black Grouse and the Highland Games. Tes a fairly semple tale I well tell here.
The Grouse turned up frae the games and walked ontae the field to the disjointed piping of Billie the Piper playing Donald Where’s ye Trousers. On his shoulder was sat Dr Whooo Whoooareye? The good feathered docctor had blessed all ef hes stuff, so he was okay. He also had a large rucksack filled weth Dextrosol, Lucozade, Dunns Rever Supplement, and several energy drenks, which had also been blessed by Dr Whoooo Whoooarye? The ferst event was the tossing of the caber. Sometheng strange happened. Et was the Grouse’s tern. Grouse looked at the caber, whech tae be honest, was, erm, wider than hem. Not tae be pet off, Grouse asked Billie the Piper tae play Eye of the Tiger, whech, minus the notes, sounded like Ye of he Ger ... whech was better than nothing I suppose. The Grouse politely asked the jedgeng panel ef he could gae fer a pee? They agreed, and in the toilets the gouse ... well, he dedn’t exacly cheat. Instead what he did was show what science could do weth ordinary supermarket goods whech were blessed by Dr Whooo Whooooareye? He mexed them ale together and got a right fine brew, and drank et back en one. He then rolled around on the floor a bet ... and now, I must take your good minds back to the crowd outside who were wondering what the commotion was, plus the flashing lights en the toilets?
When the door opened, oot walked the white version of the Incredible Hulk ... the grouse had transformed. If sales of Dunns Rever supplement now go through the roof, a want ten percent. And I’ll tell ye! I’ll tell ye all! Ef I don’r get et, I’ll be fighteng ye all tae the grooond and feneshing ye all weth my Dirk! Have ye got that?! Well, have ye?! Ye sassernachs the whole darn lot eh ye!
“Och Jemmy! Calm down would ye, would ye like a drenk?”
Och! Thank ye. Don’t mind ef I do actually. Thank ye.
The Grouse walked back tae the caber. His shirt was tight on his perfectly muscled body, whech made Arnold Swarzenegger look like Stan Laurel. Hes shorts were tight on his inflated legs. and rather handily, the Grouse had found a rugby ball in the changerooms whech adjoined the loos, repped et in half, and shoved et down hes shorts ... women still fainted. As he walked tae the caber he stopped and posed for shots weth babies and Billie the Piper broke into a rousing rendition Morag McDougall’s Samba, or Rag Gall’s Amba. Dr Whooo Whooooareye? got bored and went to look frea a moose. Frae those of ye readeng this en England, one ... keep oot! And two, when I say mooose, ah mean mooose. Do ye understand? Et es really common sense, because an owl could nay carry a moose could et? Use ye brains ye sassernachs.
The Grouse walked up tae the caber. He ‘walked et upright’, bent down, ded all the moves he had tae dee, and picked up the caber. In the Grouse’s world, the caber was made of balsa wood. He ran, and threw it. Normally, as ye may know ef you’re a sassernach, the caber falls hopefully on the other end, and tios over as near as possible tae twelve o clock. When the Gouse heaved it it went therty feet up in the air, turned several times, and then came down fefty meters away from the Grouse and stuck in the land at an angle of about forty five degrees.
The Grouse walked over tae the crowd, stopped a few feet from them and did a muscle show. Women sighed fainted. He then ded a few more baby pectures before strolling on over tae hes team.
The Doctor was looking well after swallowing a moose whole, and Billie the Piper was looking through her book of tunes tae find something suitable tae pipe the Grouse back on for the next competition, probably Maggie McClintocks knetting bag waltz, or, as Billie played it ‘Aggie Tocks Netting Ag Altz’.
When the Highland Games actual competitions were looked at en detail, it could be seen that they depicted the hard work done mainly by the ScoUttesh men when runneng from the Englesh envaders i.e. early tourists weth a bad attetude. They ran to the hells with their families, en fear of their foe, and then, when they found themselves en the welderness, they had tae queckly build houses because of the rubbesh weather, and their frustration of haveng to spend their lives doing manual labour for nay thanks. That particular aspect of early ScoUttesh life had them doing setch thengs as throwing hammers and rocks around the place. The one the
ng the Scouts dedent realise is that ef ye are a beg stroung man and ye throw a hammer, you have to gae peck et up again. That is the douwnside path tae frustration. One mest learn tae hold that temper. However, the Highland Games were born of this habet of running from the foe, whech led tae the ScoUttesh women takeng tae the whesky drenk en order tae train the keds independence and porredge oats cookery when mother es unconscious en the morneng after the amber gold milk float from God has been around. The men caught on when they relaised that they had tae leave their woman for a sober one, and gae back frae sex ‘the double helping’ and to beat ep on the keds to do the other half of the job i.e. toughen them up, especially ef they walked ento the bedroom tae ask frae a cuddle off mummy. Scoutland now consists of endependent tough keds tae fight the English off when they sneak en tae take over under the guise of tourism ... the Devil is a clever liar.
The next event wes perfect for the Grouse, the Highland danceng. Thes es the human version of the grouse in the lek. Dance tae the lady and show her your prowess, mostly en your heps and legs ... emportant for reproduction of course, and frae carrying her and the keds on hes back, en a large sack, tae get her away from the Englesh who came weth Longshanks tae breed us oot weth Prima Nocta.
All I need tae say here is that when a normal large muscular ScoUtsman jumped ballet like intae the air, one foot, the Grouse added another five foot tae et. He looked like Nureyev on steroids who had had a bike pump shoved ep hes ass and inflated muscularly tae the ‘better’ than perfect build. Women faineted, as ded a few men thes time. The men dance weth two crossed swords, the Grouse danced with a crossed garden fork and a shovel from Welkensons or B&Q, no one was quite sure ... although et could have been a garden centre?! No one knows the movements of the Black Grouse unless he trests you, emplicitally.
Those who saw the Grouse that year well ever forget hes dance, and the leaps into the air on which he ded double and triple somersaults, pikes, landed en the splits the lot. He then made hes way back tae hes team.
Onto the next event to the tune of MacDonald’s Pass, or, ‘Donald’s Ass’
Thes was a fefty sex pound weight that had to be thrown over a bar. Only one hand was to be used. Och, now ye knae what I’m going tae say daent ye? The Grouse used, hes teeth.
The women fainted at thes, and before they passed into temporary oblivion, they emagen that their and the Grouse’s keds, all twelve ay em chewing tough deerskens en order tae soften them tae make modern day clothing and shoelaces tae save buying that stuff weth child benefit which can then be used properly. That is the actual genetic effect of a ScoUttesh woman en the last tae years, marrying an Eskimo she met on My Space. Actually, that could have been Facebook, or Married so What, or Meet The One, or Sengle En Scoutland, or English For Sale, or Richenglishman.cum com?
People who were present at that glorious event swore that the glent of light that came from the Grouse’s smile was from a very, very, very expensive diamond embedded en hes front tooth, like Meck Jagger’s smile. They say the Grouse cannot hide on Glencoe when the sun shines ef he smiles.
Maide Leisg es a very useful game en ScoUtland. Et consests of a way fer the men tae get haime when drunk, and as The Bey Yen says, when he falls on hes arse drenk, and peple accuse hem of being drenk, he denies et and says enstead that he’s breaking a bar eey chocolate en hes back poucket. But then, the grand tartan task es tae get back up again, whench can be challengeng. Some say that thes game whech started oot as a form of ferst aid was started by drunk ScoUttesh mothers when they couldn’t get up from the floor where they had fallen three hours before the cheldren were due at enfants school. Och aye the nooo! Training for independent adulthood starts never tae early, nursery being an exception, there are semply too many perverts around to resk et ... England’s tae close you see. A Child Called Et? Dave Pelzer? Och nooo, he deden’t know he was bourn! Softer than a Hagges’s;’scrotum hes childhood, the liar ... luxury he leved en, luxury ah say. And I’ll fight any man who tells me defferent! C’mon then! C’mon! Where ere ye?! C’mon ye cessy sassy sassernachs! Stand up welll ye and fight!
“Och Jemmy man. Calm down won’t ye. Would ye like a drenk?”
Och aye, don’t mind ef I do, thanks. So. The mothers leaerned how tae communicate weth their best friend who wes alsae drenk, who then came around her hoose weth her mother who wasnay drenk because she had already trained her daughter endependence, and she then carried her daughter to her best friend’s hoose. Och, are ye followeng thes? So, the older mother then opens the door and walks in and drops her daughter on the floor en front of the other mother whose bairns are happy at nursery learning to take toys and stuff from the other softer keds who always end up getteng shet jobs, especially ef they wander ento England and land jobs en the tourest industry fer ScoUtland, nay pride of the wendswept isles encrypted en the gene there. Eventually after a bet of a streggle and a queck drenk of the goulden melk, they decide that the moust emportant theng en the werld is the Jeremy Kyle Show, so, one of them had tae get up to turn on the telly and try and werk oot the control. They therefore put feet to feet and bend forward and join hands, then pull. The stronger well pull the other to her feet. Now, ye can emagine what happened at the games weth the Black Grous doing thes weth an opponent of twent stoune who is trying to raise the Grouse and the Grouse tryeng tae raise hem. Och dear. Tryeng es NOOT the correct word tae use.
The game was modified for the Highland celebrations of frustration, and a steck es grabbed by the two men.
The Grouses opponent, a masseve local man proved that man doesn’t need wengs tae fly short destances of up tae therty metres. It could have ended in the man hurteng hemself, but the Grouse was up, and underneath hem weth the speed of a prime stag. He caught the man like a man catches a ScoUtesh woman when she jumps frem a buildeng when she finds that she has an Englesh gene from five generations back. He gently put the man back ontae hes feet and shook hes hand being careful not tae crush the ScoUttesh bones, whech are delicate like the wengs of the most sensitive of butterflies, usually penk.
The ceremony at the end of the games of course saw the Grouse taking all of the trophies, whech he graciously handed back. he asked ef he could take to the mike and address the crowd. He then ded a fantastec speech en the clearest of English accents, telling the crowd who he was and how he entended to plant trees en Glencoe to geve good clean oxygen tae the cheldren of thes fine land. He also told that he would be clearing up and placing en skeps all of the bottles which had been meslaid by all the drunk ScoUttesh mothers who had been for days out staggering through the woods taking in the fine wildlife, botany, and soil acid levels which kept the eco system en fine balance, and these pbservations would be taught to their cheldren to ensure their entelligence in the future ef they needed to apply for jobs weth the tourist board en England seeling package deal weekends to ScoUtland. But now, he must go and tackle the up and coming Glencoe Armageddon whech was the fight with the tember thieves Macaroon and the Hannat. He must first, tae prepare, get a few thengs, so he bed everyone fare thh well, and walked off with Dr Whoooo Whooooareye? And Billie the Piper playing We’ll Meet Again, or Ell Me Gain.
Och. Ah must gae for a wee. Ohc aye! Ets nice tae be back. Where was I? Ah yes.They visited the Glencoe Troll Golence who was expecting them, as Skewerantler the stag had told hem as he had seen the approiach of the fog bank and heard the disjointed skerl of the pipes. He had for them A large white, round weather balloon weth some helium steel cable of one ench circumference weth a clep on the end, a special tree he called the Singing Ringing Tree, and an aerosole can containing a military nerve gas, and a small battery operated CD player with the Saturday Night Fever CD, and a good personal fan fitted weth a nappy pen. They thanked him and left. Thes was the ket that would save the trees of Glencoe and not allow the Macaroon and the Hannat to pench both the old growth tember and the new sapling planted by the Grouse. They took it so that the Hannat could buy hemself prestige en the form of a Beamer and designer clothing, th
rough the sale of the tember to tember merchants, and also so the Mad Macaroon could build many more buildings in the form ef Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony, better known as the Macaroon Buildings Symphony, which et was recently nicknamed by scholars in the Royal College of Music after a very important meeting in the Student Union block where all the bars are.
And now, I mest recount to ye the final battle Royale between the Black Grouse on the side of Glencoe tember, and the Hannat and the Mad Macaroon on the side of de forestation and the resultant cash.
Aye, well, the Grouse, now back tae hes normal size, bet weth plenty of growth fluid en hes tent, dug the hole and planted the Sengeng Rengeng tree with the deserved love and affection fer sech a wee beastie. Et has tae be said that the Grouse when he het hes massive alter ego proportions, knew that he mest be a gentle giant, fer he was no out tae hurt anyone or anything, bet at the same time wpuld need to be huge and strong tae carry out sech a mession, whech was to love the land, trees, wildlife and people; and geve birth to new landscape trees. However, he mest sort oot the enemies of the landscape, the Hannat and the Mad Macaroon. The Senging Renging Tree would warn him of the approach of these villains. It must be said that Billie the Piper and Dr Whoo Hoooareye? Were safe in the ether amongst the trees, because who is tae say whether they were real or nooo?
Now, meanwhile as all of thes activity was taking place. Mad Macaroon was gaeing door tae door, knocking, and when the person opened, he would say ... “Could ye stay en for the next three days because I’ve ordered something from e bay and I need someone to be en tae take delivery?” Ef the person said noo I cannae, the Macaroon would throw a hessy fet tantrum and envoke fear and guilt en the person, repairable only by an child memory psychologist. The person would agree and noo leave the hoose fer three days ... whech gave the Hannat the time needed to fell the trees wethout desturbance. Ye see, if the mother had left the house tae gae for a walk in the Glencoe woods, the Hannat would have been caught, and the woman would have been compelled to join the Hannat’s betch wagoon, whech was pulling the log cart. Thes would have deprived the cheldren of their moher, who would sober up en the woods and then return and ensist on doing some cooking, washing of the bairns clothes etc, and therfore ruined ScoUttesh endependence training. Macaroon was therefore doing ScoUtland a favour, but hes right hand man the Hannat was nay doing anyone any favours save hemself. Macaroon’s heart though, hes weak point, was always en his hand next to hes ear ... hes phone. People he knew who were in danger of being asleep whilst awake all the time wre no used to having a conversation with the Macaroon and then being hung up on if they said anything the Macaroon dedn’t like ...that woke them up with the anger due to the rudeness. Macaroon was saving souls on his phone.
The Hannat wallked through the forest, axe in hes hand, chopping down prime trees to see and as ye know tae supply the Macaroon weth tember for hes uncomplete constructions. The Macaroon had a sex pack whech he had acquired because of the amount of gut laughing he ded every time the Hannat asked hem for money fer the tember. The Macaroon charged the Hannat fer the pleasure of geveng hem the wood. Nevertheless, the Hannat managed to sell hes wood to pulp mills where they made paper for books of glorious wesdom, whech the Hannat read and held en hes head, tae teach hes young.
His cart had wheels one end, the back, and two long handles at the front and was pulled by betches who were strapped tae the cart, betches who worshipped the Hannat because of hes designer sherts (these betches had not yet been curfewed by the Macaroon. They would follow the shert like the zombies in the American sitcom The Walking Deeead grabbing at mid air. Aye, ye could say that the betches followed the sherts like zombies looking for flesh like a donkey followeng a carrot. Twas a strange sight.
Twas an evil set up these blaggards had, wheve made Burke and Hare look like Julian Clary. It was the late afyernoon when the Grouse’s Sengeng Rengeng Tree started tae chime. How does a tree chime you may ask? Well, as the tree was developed at Oxford University by the world’s finest brains, they had used an apple tree, and the chiming came from the peel of the crab apple fruits which adorned etys branches. The notepad whech was running from the potential defference produced between the sap and the bark (whech en this case was worse than the byte) began to flash the enfo. The Hannat is approacheng with hes tember laden betch cart ... he WILL want the Sengeng Ringing Tree! Drink Now! Drenk Now!
The Grouse calmly had a couple of pints of hes special energy strength drenk, and soon, hes shorts were tight on hes legs again.
Fe fi fo fum!
I am the Hannat and I ain’t dumb
I like money, et sets me free
It gets me prestige designer shirts, hee heee hee!
I hear the music of the Sengeng Rengeng Tree
Its sale will net me lots of money
Not only will that help fill my floor wardrobe
It well get me lots of bitch honey
Et was okay for an on the spot rhyme, not that good, not that bad ... bet, et still knocked the spots off Rabbie Burns. The Hannat arrived at the edge of the glade and the tree stopped. The Hannat approached it almost dribbling with excitement at such a prize. He looked at it, smiled, and raised the axe.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” said the finest of English accents in a voice clearer than the Glencoe air.
The Hannat looked across the glade and the Grouse was stood en hes majesty at the side of hes tent. The Hannat hadn’t even noticed the tend and the Grouse so entent was he at the destruction of the tree.
The Hannat said “You can’t stop me Black Grouse! The tree is mine.”
As the Grouse would not use violence, he clicked hes fengers. A second later, Dr Whooo Whoooareye? Appeared by the Hannat, and cleverly using hes feet, sprayed the military nerve as which consisted of concentrated Hannat fart from hes ain loo, whech had been collected by an anonymous person and concentrated en a pressure cooker. The Hannat’s own gas caused hem to slump to the ground, unconscious for a while. As queck as a flash, the Grouse took the balloon whech was floating on ets line above the trees whech weren’t that high around the glade, from ets fexing in the floor, clepped the balloon tae the Hannat’s belt . He then pinned the personal fan to hes backside. He turned the fan on, and pointed the Hannat towards England. He rose slowly and was off. He should make Coventry as he had Duracell batteries in the fan.
The Hannat came round wondering what had happened. he looked down and saw the Grouse waving. Dr Whoo Wooooareye? Sat on the Grouse’s shoulder, and Billie the Piper was playing Goodbye the Noo, or Odbye He O. The betches on the car were crying yet stell grabbing for the shert and its prestige contents ... their wildest dreams were floating away. The Grouse then ded them a favour, he sprayed them weth Hannat Military Nerve Gas Strength concentrated Butt Breeze, and said “Thes would be your life ladies. Thes es what your world would permanently smell like.” He undid them, and they ranc screaming ento the trees.
The Hannat panicked and immediately reached intae hes arse pocket, got hes phone, and texted the Mad Macaroon, saying your free tember has been taken. Ten seconds later the Sengeng Rengeng Tree started rengeng again and the Macaroons trainers were on fire. He arrived en the glade leaving a smoke trail behind hem, but fortunately no fire, whech es rather convenient. When he looked ento the glade, the Grouse was dancing to the Bee Gees Saturday Night Fever. The Macaroon knew nothing of art or cukture or much at all, but money ... but, the Griuse was betteng n there was a part of hes soul that would dance if ever geven a millionth of the chance.
“Hello Macaroon. I can’t get thes part of the dance right, where John Travolta sticks hes right hand en the air and points, could you show me, you look as ef you can dae et.”
“I would nae dance for anytheng, et esn’t manly!”
“I’ll pay ye.”
“How much?” asked the Macaroon.
“How about one pound?” said the Grouse.
The Macaroon immediately went ento the pose weth such vigour that he could have
pierced steel weth hes index fenger which pointed to heaven, he held hes mobile wethe the other fingers and thumb. Immediately Dr Whoooo Whooooareye? Swooped and grabbed the phone and was off weth et. The next part es very sad, very sad endeed. The Macaroon screamed in helplessness. How could he now waken people weth hes phone by hangeng up on them in rude fashion? How could he be rude now? How? he began to cry it out for the werld tae hear.
“How can I be rude now?! How?! Howwww!? Howww!? Ohhhh noooo, wailllllll, wailllllll ....
he wailed and wailed, and then slowly becan to ‘deflate’, and deflate and deflate ...
Smoke began to come from hes clothes, and he semply sank ento the ground, wailing less and less. Hes head sank ento the floor, and then the baseball cap stopped descendeng. The Grouse pecked up the black training shoes. One of the ex Hannat betches wandered ento the glade, lost.
“Excuse me?” said the Grouse. “What es your name?”
“Dorothy” said the woman.
“Why are yo limpin slightly?” asked the Grouse.
“I just stubbed my toe toe. I’m looking for empty whesky bottles to get the money at the recycleng plant to buy my child shoes. My, they look exactly the right size!”
“They’re yours” said the Grouse.
“Oh thank you! You’re a wizard!” said the woman, and dispppeared ento the thecket.
And that ladies and gentlemen es how the Black Grouse saved the Glencoe forest, and continues to do so to thes very day as a Lord of the Glen. Sometimes, if ye are very lucky, ye can look ep ento the hells of the Coe as the Sun rises, and see the Grouse stood there on a peak, shovel raised en the air, and a huge net of saplings on hes back ready fer planteng; ets a beg job whece es why the Grouse es so strong. DR Whooo whooooo areye? well be sat atop hes shoulder, and Billie the Piper will be playing Mrs Buchanan’s Pet Freshwater Mussel, or Han’s Et Wat Sel. The story goes that the mussel had an identity crises and thought et was a giant clam. Et grabbed her cat by the foot and slowly, bet by bet, dissolved and absorbed et .. aye, a sad sad story whech I may recount to all of yer good selves next week.
I should say, that you MAY be lucky tae see the grouse and hes wee family stood on the hell. Et depends ye see on the mist produced by the mystical tones of Billie the Piper ... you may jest see the outline and hear the skerl, and then people well say ... nay ye dedn’t see anything, all ye saw was your mind conjouring up a ghostly emage of a legend, jest a lagend. The skerl of the pipes? Och, that were an eagle of the golden persuasion. The Black Grouse doesn’t really exest ... he’s jest a story ...
And weth that gentlemen, I mesy bed ye all a fon farewell. Jimmy McDongle walked out of the pub, he looked across the road and saw the bus stop was empty and the bus was rapidly approaching. He had better dash or walk home as there wasn’t another bus for an hour. He dashed out and was hit by some clown on a mobile phone, he was dead when the ambulance arrived. The driver thought to himself, “Saw that coming, the drunken fool does that every week.” The next day he gave a witness report to the police; glad to be of help. They’re ok are bus drivers, nice people. I should know, I used to be one. I was actually the very best ever to be employed in Coventry, or anywhere else for that matter. My mate Andy disagrees with me, but, what does he know?
Naff.
‘Skid Marks’ will soon be available in the Reader’s Highjest e book shop on www.frankie-lassut.com
e mail
[email protected] One final thing ...
It may be at some point that the Grouse has to give Mr Salmond a bit of a slap.
Mid-Scotland and Fife MSP Murdo Fraser has criticised Alex Salmond’s plans to fell Scotland’s forests to make room for wind turbines. Swathes of Scotland’s forests are to be leased/sold to wind farm developers in the First Minister’s latest push to achieve his 2020 renewables targets. Commenting on the news Murdo Fraser MSP said:
“Plans to quadruple the number of power generating wind farms situated in forests over the next eight years will cost Scotland’s countryside dear. To give Mr Salmond a quick science lesson, in the process known as photosynthesis trees and plants absorb carbon dioxide and in turn create oxygen. Therefore, cutting trees down to erect wind turbines will be detrimental to our efforts to reduce carbon dioxide emissions. Moreover, building massive industrial structures within woods and forests will destroy the habitat of many indigenous animals. From an environmental point of view this is madness. Finally, deforestation on this scale can lead to widespread soil erosion which results in landslips and other natural disasters.”
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