LETTER LXIV
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MRS. NORTONWEDNESDAY, AUG. 2.
You give me, my dear Mrs. Norton, great pleasure in hearing of your's andyour son's recovery. May you continue, for many, many years, a blessingto each other!
You tell me that you did actually write to my mother, offering to encloseto her mine of the 24th past: and you say it was not required of you.That is to say, although you cover it over as gently as you could, thatyour offer was rejected; which makes it evident that no plea could bemade for me. Yet, you bid me hope, that the grace I sued for would, intime, be granted.
The grace I then sued for was indeed granted; but you are afraid, yousay, that they will wait for Mr. Brand's report, before favour will beobtained in return to the second letter which I wrote to my sister; andyou add, that I have an indulgent mother, were she at liberty to actaccording to her own inclination; and that all will end well at last.
But what, my dear Mrs. Norton, what is the grace I sue for in my secondletter?--It is not that they will receive me into favour--If they thinkit is, they are mistaken. I do not, I cannot expect that. Nor, as Ihave often said, should I, if they would receive me, bear to live in theeye of those dear friends whom I have so grievously offended. 'Tis only,simply, a blessing I ask: a blessing to die with; not to lie with.--Dothey know that? and do they know that their unkindness will perhapsshorten my date; so that their favour, if ever they intend to grant it,may come too late?
Once more, I desire you not to think of coming to me. I have nouneasiness now, but what proceeds from the apprehension of seeing a man Iwould not see for the world, if I could help it; and from the severity ofmy nearest and dearest relations: a severity entirely their own, I doubt;for you tell me that my brother is at Edinburgh! You would thereforeheighten their severity, and make yourself enemies besides, if you wereto come to me--Don't you see you would?
Mr. Brand may come, if he will. He is a clergyman, and must mean well;or I must think so, let him say of me what he will. All my fear is,that, as he knows I am in disgrace with a family whose esteem he isdesirous to cultivate; and as he has obligations to my uncle Harlowe andto my father; he will be but a languid acquitter--not that I am afraid ofwhat he, or any body in the world, can hear as to my conduct. You may,my revered and dear friend, indeed you may, rest satisfied, that that issuch as may warrant me to challenge the inquiries of the most officious.
I will send you copies of what passes, as you desire, when I have ananswer to my second letter. I now begin to wish that I had taken theheart to write to my father himself; or to my mother, at least; insteadof to my sister; and yet I doubt my poor mother can do nothing for me ofherself. A strong confederacy, my dear Mrs. Norton, (a strongconfederacy indeed!) against a poor girl, their daughter, sister, niece!--My brother, perhaps, got it renewed before he left them. He needednot--his work is done; and more than done.
Don't afflict yourself about money-matters on my account. I have nooccasion for money. I am glad my mother was so considerate to you. Iwas in pain for you on the same subject. But Heaven will not permit sogood a woman to want the humble blessings she was always satisfied with.I wish every individual of our family were but as rich as you!--O mymamma Norton, you are rich! you are rich indeed!--the true riches aresuch content as you are blessed with.--And I hope in God that I am in theway to be rich too.
Adieu, my ever-indulgent friend. You say all will be at last happy--andI know it will--I confide that it will, with as much security, as youmay, that I will be, to my last hour,
Your ever grateful and affectionateCL. HARLOWE.