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The hottie from Rocks for Jocks was a lacrosse player. Ellie turned and looked at me with dismay, and I briefly closed my eyes in silent supplication, praying that the team would not look at us. I abruptly walked to a table as far away as I could get.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he was a lacrosse player,” Ellie whispered as we settled into our seats. I barely heard her because I was too busy internally debating the safest way to sit. Should I position myself so I could see them coming or with my back to them? I compromised and sat at an angle from their table, making myself the smallest target possible. The giant salad I’d assembled looked like the least appetizing bowl of food ever. I moved my fork around, pushing the cherry tomatoes to the side and rearranging the mushrooms into an ordered pattern, one slice lying next to the other in a circle around the bowl. I was so intent on repositioning my food, I missed the signs of an approaching classmate.
“Hey, uh, aren’t you in my geology class?” I heard a voice slightly above me say. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the lacrosse table laughing behind their hands and some were not so furtively pointing in our direction.
Ellie looked at the object of her crush with contempt and gave him a short, no-nonsense answer. “Yes. ” It was not an invitation to start a conversation. This must be some kind of hazing, although I thought that started at the beginning of school, not halfway through the semester. Why else would this poor kid be forced over to our table to start up a conversation?
I kept my head down and averted, which I knew was rude, but I didn’t want to be here and definitely did not want to participate. Two months into college, I’d had my fill of lacrosse guys. I didn’t need to make the acquaintance of any more.
Ellie’s dismissive answer didn’t drive the freshman away. Instead, he pulled out a chair, flipped it around, and sat down so he could lean his arms on the back. “Thought I recognized you. I’m Ryan Collins. ” He held out his hand to Ellie. She stared at it like it was diseased. He held it out for a couple of beats and then awkwardly brought his hand down to his side, to wipe it on his pants.
No one spoke a word. Ellie stared at Ryan with hostility and Ryan returned the look with puzzlement. Maybe he didn’t mean to come over and make some rude come-on. Maybe he really did mean to introduce himself to Ellie.
I felt reluctant admiration for this guy who was bucking normal rules of engagement and putting himself out there for public rejection, in front of his teammates and other classmates. I knew what it felt like to be the subject of unwanted scrutiny. Almost against my will, I spoke up. “Nice to meet you. ” My voice sounded raspy, as if it hadn’t been used for a week. I cleared my throat. “I’m AnnMarie and that’s Ellie. ”
She shot me a shocked glance as if I’d engaged the enemy in direct combat. I gave her a tiny shrug. The introductions shook loose Ryan’s mute button. “Ladies. ” He smiled and two dimples appeared on either side of his mouth. The dimples, the short hair with the slight Mohawk styling, retro black plastic glasses, and brow piercing all bespoke a guy who was making his own way in life. He didn’t look like a stereotypical laxer. There was no STX lanyard with his keys and ID. No hat, not even an old tournament jersey.
“So you play lacrosse?” I asked when Ellie remained silent.
Ryan nodded, seeming relieved that I included him in a question. “I do. We’re gearing up for our season to start in a couple of months. ”
“Where’s your pinnie?” Ellie asked, sneering slightly. I was surprised at her overt hostility. Shouldn’t asshole girl be my role?
Ryan shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I just like to play the game. It’s fun, a good way to keep in shape, and why am I defending myself to you?”
“You came to sit with us,” Ellie pointed out.
“I’m guessing you had a bad experience with a laxer?” Ryan suggested.
“You might say that. ” I was grateful that Ellie didn’t turn to look at me when she replied, insinuating that it was her problem and not mine.
Ryan scrubbed a hand through his shorn hair, destroying his mini Mohawk and making the short hair on his head stick out in different directions.
“So I’m guessing my suggestion that we be lab partners is going to be shot down?” Ryan said, giving an adorable half smile. Even though I had a hate boner for all laxers, Ryan’s smile was potent. It looked like it might be affecting Ellie as well.
Ryan took her hesitation as a maybe he could turn to a yes. “I’m just a dumb freshman. Take pity on me. ”
That was smooth. He was all dimples and self-deprecation. Ellie resisted, though. “I’ve had a really bad experience with laxers. ”
At that, Ryan turned to look to his table. There was no avoiding it. The table of lacrosse players had seen us and identified at least me. I could see the shit-eating grin of one Clay Howard III from a hundred feet away. I shrank back. Never had a grin ever looked so menacing.
I wondered if Clay even knew my real name anymore, or if the nickname he’d given me was my only source of identification. I wasn’t convinced Clay even thought of me as a real person. Maybe I was some imaginary punching doll he’d created and trotted out for jokes to his pals.
Ryan’s eyes moved around from Ellie to me to his table. He stood then, and I noticed Clay had also risen from his seat and was making his way toward us. I looked wide-eyed at Ellie and my anger and trepidation were reflected in her face. And then I felt my backbone stiffen as my fight instinct kicked in.
Why was I allowing one douche bag to dictate my life on campus? I wondered how many other girls who sat in the café right now had turned down Clay, only to be branded a slut in exchange. I watched in wretched fascination as he swaggered over to our table. As he walked toward us, each section he passed seemed to quiet, as if they knew something was about to happen.
Ryan had positioned himself slightly in front of our table, as if to intercept Clay, a move I couldn’t comprehend at that moment. I inhaled, taking breaths as deep as I could make them without being obvious about it. I’m going to own you one day, I mentally told Clay. You’ll be broken at my feet, and I’ll laugh as the world pisses on your head.
“Bro. ” Clay’s greeting to Ryan sounded like a shotgun in an empty range. He held out his fist for a bump. Ryan obliged but said nothing. “You looking for some action?” Clay asked.
Ryan shook his head. “No, just catching up with Ellie about a class we have together. ”
“These girls, particularly Mary here, probably have a lot they’ll be willing to put out. ” Clay smirked at his own really bad pun.
“It’s AnnMarie,” I said quietly but loud enough that I knew Clay could hear.
“What’s that?” Clay asked, obviously hoping to set me up or hoping I’d shut up.
“It’s AnnMarie,” I repeated and stood up next to the table. Ellie got to her feet and picked up her tray. She was ready to go. I wasn’t going to run out like a scaredy cat, but I also wasn’t going to sit there and be the butt of the innumerable lies that Clay would enjoy regaling young Ryan with.
As I bent down to pick up my tray, Clay remarked on the nearly uneaten contents. “Did you eat too much before you came to dinner tonight, Mary?” He emphasized the name so I wouldn’t miss that he’d intentionally called me the wrong name again.
“I was afraid if I ate something, I might have to ingest the same air you breathed. Plants die when you’re around,” I told him. Rumor was that Clay had nearly flunked biology, failing to grow his seed into a plantable seedling. High color flared in his cheeks. Rumor must have been correct, and this spurred my feet into motion. I knew I was needling an angry animal now, but I couldn’t resist another poke, and as I walked by him I said in a low tone, “Heard you had problems germinating seeds. ”
He grabbed my arm, causing the tray to tip precariously. Ryan reached out and steadied the tray and looked questioningly at Clay’s hand on my biceps. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tall, dark-haire
d guy rise to his feet. Noah, Bo’s weight-room buddy. His thickly muscled arms and toned body caught Clay’s attention, too. He dropped his hand and then shook it in the air. “Damn, I’m going need to some sanitizer so I don’t catch one of your friends. ” His words rang out loudly in the now-silent cafeteria. This time I was the one who couldn’t keep the blood from rising and coloring my cheeks.
Now we both looked like angry animé characters with red spots denoting our anger and embarrassment. “You aren’t good enough to touch me, and you know it,” I told him.
“I’m no OB, but I know a cunt when I see one. ” Maybe he’d meant to whisper it to me, but everyone was so quiet, so intent on getting the details of the drama, that the insult carried on the waves of silence through to the entrance of the dining hall as clearly as the Main Hall bell that rang at noon. The entire room sucked in their collective breaths and even Clay, as dim as he was, realized he might have gone one step too far with the putdowns.
“It’s gynecologist,” I said, leaving him behind. I heard him say, “What?” and Ryan answered slowly, as if he could barely believe what had just transpired. “An OB delivers babies. Gynecologists examine women in the way you were suggesting. ”
“What’s the difference?” Clay asked.
Ryan’s response was filled with disgust so transparent that I think even Clay must have noticed. “There’s a difference. ”
By the time we reached the conveyor belt that took the dirty trays and plates back to where I assumed everything would be washed, I was shaking like a leaf. The contents of my tray were clinking together, and Ellie took my tray from me before the contents spilled onto the floor.
She looked miserable. “I’m so, so sorry. ”
“Are you kidding?” I said, trying to breathe normally instead of in little frightened pants. “How is this your fault? You’re not responsible for him. ” I couldn’t bring myself to say his name.
“I’m not going to recount the obvious timeline that brought you here,” Ellie said, reaching up and slinging an arm around my shoulders, “but just know that I’m taking responsibility whether you like it or not. ”
“If it makes you feel better. ” I tried to joke but I felt nothing but gratitude that she was holding me.
“It does,” was her firm reply. The steadiness in Ellie’s body and the lighthearted tone she was using helped me walk out of the commons instead of crawl out.
“I wouldn’t still be here without you, Ellie. ”
“That’s kind of what scares me,” Ellie admitted.
“What?” I turned at the top of the stairs. “Why would you say that?”
She shrugged. “Because maybe you shouldn’t be here anymore. ”
That only made me stand up straighter. “I’m not running away. ”
“I know. You don’t like to quit, but maybe that’s kind of an outdated slogan. I mean, it’s not like you’re Braveheart trying to stand up for the right to wear kilts against the British. ”
“Is that really what Mel Gibson died for?”
“That’s what I got out of it,” Ellie said.
We had made it to the door. No one had stopped us. I hadn’t heard any more jeers or taunts. I was going to survive this day, just like I’d survived all the past ones. And tomorrow would be better. It had to be. We bundled up and wrapped our scarves around our faces, protecting ourselves from the wind. Too bad there wasn’t a scarf I could wear indoors to protect my heart.
As I pushed on the door, I saw one more obstacle. Damn.
Chapter Six
BO
“HEY, SUNSHINE,” I SAID, HOLDING the door as AM and her roommate rushed out. Ellie gave me a small smile, but AM didn’t turn toward me at all. As she passed by me, I could see something glistening on the ends of her eyelashes. I tightened my grip on the door, not liking what that meant.
“Hey,” I repeated forcefully. When she looked at me, the pain I saw reflected hit me harder than an unexpected blow to the jaw. I knew AnnMarie only a tiny bit, but my guess was that this girl who tried to appear even-keeled in the face of minor ribbing by a classmate would prefer that her agony wasn’t riding so close to the surface.
“Here for the show?” she said, her voice brittle as an icicle. I moved to hold her, thaw her out, and pass on whatever warmth I could, but she held up her hand. I stayed my impulse because I didn’t want to be the one to break her as she stood there trying to hold it all together.
“No, just for dinner. ” I smiled benignly, simulating normalcy as best as I could, but anger rose up from my gut. No girl looked like AnnMarie did right now, bruised around the eyes and the mouth, just from having a simple meal. The urge to storm in and rain down retribution like hellfire sawed at my nerves. My entire body tensed up with the unrelieved desire to deliver a beatdown to someone, but I managed to eke out a normal sounding response. “Meeting Noah and his girl Grace for dinner. See you in class tomorrow, right?”