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“Your girlfriends sleep in your room. So who is it?”
“It’s. . . ” And I can’t think of anything believable, because the truth is unbelievable. “Lincoln. And you better keep it to yourself. This is private, Grace. I mean it. ”
She grabs my hand, not missing a beat, acting as if our friendship didn’t disintegrate in a shower of flames months ago. “Lincoln? Pen pal Lincoln? Oh. My. God. That is so. . . so. . . is he hot?”
This is what I miss about Grace: her passion, her enthusiasm. And when she decided to, she could be a great friend. I clasp her hand back. “Smoking. ”
And I have the urge to call Echo and Natalie and force the four of us to be what we used to be—inseparable.
“How long is he staying?” Grace asks.
My energy fades and I release her. “I don’t know. ” Will Lincoln leave soon? Have I squandered the only time we may ever have together? Remembering last night’s late conversation, I remind myself that leaving would be Lincoln’s M. O.
Grace’s cell phone chimes to indicate a text. She reads it, then shoves the phone into her purse. “I’ve got to bolt, but I have something to tell you. Which is why I came. ”
I circle my hand, motioning for her to continue.
“I overheard Stephen, Chad and Luke talking about how they’ve been showing up here at night, trying to scare you since your parents went on vacation. ”
My mouth gapes and I go completely numb long enough to tense when the rush of anger pummels my bloodstream. “Excuse me?”
“I know. Stupid, right? Stephen thinks if you get scared, you’ll call him, and then you guys can work things out. ” Grace glances at the blanket on the couch. “Guess he didn’t count on the dark horse pulling up late in the race. ”
Disoriented, I lean against the arm of the couch for support. Holy crap, I’m not crazy. Someone was pranking me. But the relief is short-lived.
I lost my virginity to Stephen. He’s the first guy I ever said the words I love you to. And he’s betraying me? He’s trying to scare me? What has he become?
I feel my eyes dart, even though I’m honestly looking at nothing within the room. My mind rapidly tries to sort through the anger, the confusion and the weird emptiness. I’m mad at Stephen—all right, that’s the understatement of the century. The next time I see him, I’ll fry him like the catfish my brothers catch at the lake, but what I’m lacking is the epic sense of betrayal, the massive pang of hurt, the emotions I experienced last night because Lincoln lied to me. I mean, Stephen and I were together for two years. That should count for something, right?
“Lila?” Grace refocuses my attention on her. “Are you okay?”
“The bastard is going to hang from his toenails, but, yeah, I’m fine. ” Astonishingly so.
She fidgets with her class ring. “Don’t let him find out I’m the one who told you, okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. Sure. ” Grace and Chad are an item. She’s worked hard over the past year to claim him as her guy. “Why did you tell me, anyway?”
The fire that always consumes Grace dissolves. “Because I want us to be friends again. I made some really bad choices, and I’m sorry. You’re leaving for Florida and if we don’t fix this now, it won’t be fixed. ”
Just as things will never be fixed between her and Echo. She doesn’t say it, but it’s there, hanging in the air like the stench of rotten fish.
A lot of bad blood has been shed, but maybe people can change. As much as that thought makes me happy, it also saddens me. No matter what, the relationship between Grace and me will never be the same. “Thanks for the heads-up. ”
Grace stands there, looking like a damn puppy locked in a cage at the store. Unfortunately, I’ve got a soft spot for imprisoned animals. “Maybe we could go shopping together sometime. ”
She cracks a smile. “Yeah. That’d be great. ”
I close the door behind Grace and walk to my bedroom. Across the hall, water beats against the tub as Lincoln takes a shower. A black T-shirt pokes out from the backpack still resting against my bedroom door. I told him to store the pack in my room last night as he was warming the hot chocolate, but I didn’t realize what he’d see: the stacks of letters still lying on my bed and the scrapbook page I made for his graduation.
I sink to the corner of my bed and stare into the room as if I’ve never seen it. Everything is changing. My relationships are changing, my future is changing, my feelings are changing. My life is one big constant state of flux. I grew up scared of spiders, bees and dark corners in dimly lit basements. But this foe. . . change. . . it terrorizes me like nothing before.
For the first time in my life, I wish I wasn’t growing up.
Lincoln
A rush? Heights and rocks sound like a huge risk. But if you were there, I think I would consider climbing.
~ Lila
The high-pitch creaking of drawers being opened and closed greets me when I exit the bathroom. Across the hall, Lila yanks a manila file from her desk, flips through it, then dumps it onto the growing pile on the floor. The papers of the folder spill out, creating a fan.
“Lila?” I ask and step into her room. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t find it. ” She hammers the drawer shut and opens the bottom one with such force that it falls out of the desk. “I can’t freaking find it!”
My letters to her still sit on her bed, stacked neatly. My chest squeezes again at the sight of them. I can’t believe it. She kept all my letters—just like I kept all of hers.
The room represents Lila perfectly—order, discipline. Yeah, everything fits, except for the golden-haired pixie set on mass destruction. “Can’t find what?”
“My acceptance package from the University of Louisville. The one that has the paperwork for me to return. I put it in a file. I labeled it. I would have filed it in alphabetical order under Colleges, but it’s not here. ”
She frantically searches through the files. Once. Twice. A third time. Lila slams her hands on the floor next to her. “Where is it?!”
I approach her slowly. The way I had to with Meg when she found out she was pregnant. I bend my knees to crouch in front of her. “Why do you need the file?”
Lila tilts her head as if she’s noticing me for the first time. Her eyes are too wide for her delicate face. “I’m going to accept. ”
I blink. “Accept?” I suck in air to steady myself. It’s as if the girl socked me in the stomach with a bat. “What about Florida?”
“Stephen’s the one pranking me. ” The words tumble out as she clasps her hands over her chest. “He wanted to scare me, and it worked. I was terrified. Terrified! I can’t do it. ” She chokes on a sob. “I can’t go to Florida. Not by myself. ”
I bolt upright. Rage explodes through me—the eruption of the volcano complete. The bastard’s dead. No question. “Tell me where he is. ”
Her eyebrows scrunch together. “Who?”
“The asshole who has you doubting yourself. The asshole who scared you. Stephen. ”
Lila jumps to her feet. “All he did was point out what he already knew. That I can’t handle being on my own. ”
“That is bull. ” Unlike yesterday morning, I don’t yell. This emotion burrowing through me, it’s an eerie, deathly calm. Since Josh’s death, I’m used to numb, and Lila’s letters have been the only weapon strong enough to slip past that wall. Since realizing I could lose the connection with her I’ve felt anger, despair, guilt, hope, love and now pure, unadulterated rage.
“Before the prank you were ready to head south,” I say. “Your entire last letter was filled with what you wanted to do the moment you crossed the state line. ”
“But that was before!” She throws her arms out at her sides. “That was when I thought I had someone. ”
The anger dissipates—gone in a flash—leaving emptiness behind. “You have me. ”
“No, I don’t. ” Her eyelashes become wet as they flutter.
“You were supposed to be right there beside me, and now you’re not. I thought I’d be able to convince Echo to come with me, but then she found Noah. I’m by myself now. I can’t do it. I’m not capable of going to Florida alone. ”
I scratch at the stubble forming on my jaw as she wipes at a renegade tear streaming from the corner of her eye. She glances away and I feel sick.
Lila was depending on me and I jacked it up for her. For my family. For me.
An overwhelming urge bubbles inside me to head home—to talk to my family, the counselor at school, to fill out Florida’s spring admissions paperwork, which the counselor gave me to motivate me to do well in summer school. Since Josh died all I’ve been doing is ignoring my life, my future—just like how Meg ignores her baby. Yeah, going home, it would be running, but not the kind I’ve been doing for two years. It would be running forward instead of away.
When I left home to find Lila, I felt the first spark of awareness that things needed to change, but seeing Lila doubt herself, seeing her backtrack, it clears up my vision of what I need to do to get my life in order.
My grandpa once told me never to provoke an injured bear, especially one nursing its wounds, but sometimes the bear needs to be poked. “Who’s the runner now?”
A flash of fear shivers up my spine at the way her ice-cold blue eyes strike through me. “Excuse me?”
Hope I know what I’m doing. “I came here for you, Lila. For the girl who would never let anyone walk all over her. For the girl who wouldn’t be feeling sorry for herself because someone pranked her. Maybe I’m not the only one who told a lie. Maybe you invented the girl in the letters. ”
Her mouth drops open; her cheeks redden as if I had physically slapped her. “You are a jerk!”
“You mad now?”
“Yes!”
“Good. Now stop focusing on what you can’t control and start focusing on what you can. ” Like summer school, working toward college, applying for spring admissions and not on my parents, my sister, my nephew. . . my brother’s death.
Lila shakes her head, as if she’s waking from a dream. She leans against the desk for support and runs her hands through her hair. “You’re right. ”
This is the girl I know: one hundred percent in or out. No waffling. A girl who treats life like a missile with a locked-in course.
Her eyes roam over me and I’m confused by the slant of her lips.
“Lincoln?” she says as the silly smile grows.
“Yes?’
“You’re not wearing a shirt. ”
Embarrassment heats my body and my hand darts to my chest, feeling the exposed skin. “Sorry. ”
Those blue eyes smolder. “I’m not. But you may want to get dressed for this. ”
Lila
. . . and on the rock climbing—I think you’re underestimating yourself.
~ Lincoln
Lincoln walks beside me through the open field toward the tree line. He has a wide gait and I struggle to appear casual as I attempt to match his stride. His shirt’s back on, which is a sin. He could definitely give Echo’s guy a run for his money in the abs department.