“Anyone can make a business card,” she informed me. I heard a noise from the top of the stairs leading in to the house. I looked up and saw the door opening. "Oh perfect, look who's here," she said. "Mr. Lemons, I'd like for you to meet my husband.
25.
"Scott honey, we're all down here waiting for you," Roxanne called out to her husband. What kind of sissy-ass name was Scott for an adult anyway?
"Well well well, what do we have here?" Scott asked.
"This is the guy who has been giving us so much trouble. Archie Lemons, meet my husband Scott McKigney."
I rolled my eyes at the pure ridiculousness this situation has produced. I wished they'd quit with the little cutesy game they're playing here and just kill me. I was getting too anxious waiting to see if my one and only hope would pan out. And truthfully, if I didn't get these goddamn zip-ties off me I was going to go batshit crazy.
"The pleasure is all yours," I say.
"He's a feisty one, isn't he?" Scott asked.
Really, a man who uses the word feisty? Give me a break.
He looked towards James still hunched over in the corner. "What the hell happened to him?"
"Well honey, I hope you didn't have your heart set on any grandchildren."
Scott gave her a puzzled look and Roxanne informed him that she had given James a shot of morphine and he'd be okay soon. He'd still need treatment though.
Scott returned his attention back to me. "I can't believe you made it this far. My wife said you were an idiot."
"She seems to say that a lot."
"Yes well..." He looked at Roxanne again, "I thought you said he was a dumbass. He has to have at least some skill if he figured out fucking Carl was involved."
"I thought he was a dumbass," she said. "He had the DVD box set of Full House in his office for Christ sake!"
I couldn't help but start to laugh. "I have another one at home, too!" The laughter kept coming.
I heard another groan from the corner and looked to see James getting to his feet, slowly. "Hey, One-Nut!" I called out to him.
Scott didn't give James time to respond. "I've had enough of this shit. I'm sorry, Mr. Private Eye, it’s time for you to die."
With a big, broad smile on my face, I ask, "What did the boy in the field have to do with this?"
Roxanne answered, "He was my project. We needed his healthy young eyes. You see, that’s kind of what we do here. After a few malpractice suits, a heavy drinking habit, and an even heavier gambling habit, my husband here needed to come up with quick cash. We knew what to do. Scott here knows some pretty seedy people. So we set up shop here. Taking people who could just disappear and we stole their body parts and sold them. Scott really is an excellent surgeon, he just happened to kill a few people on accident. With the bums though, who gives a shit if they die. It made it much easier on him.
"Your friend in the field though, that wasn't planned. He said he told some people about me and I was dumb enough to have used my real name with him. He approached me, I didn't take an interest in him as a, let’s call him a client, until I was having trouble finding someone else. He was going to be used for something else but he took too long. No bother though.
"Once he told us he spilled the beans, my husband here had to think of something fast. I'm sure you know the rest of the story."
"Sure," I said. "I know it. You gave it to this fucking moron over here to handle and he fucked it up. Again."
"Yes, Mr. Lemons," she said. "He sure did. And once that happened we had to find you quickly. We couldn't go to you in the hospital, someone could have recognized us there, and besides, you had visitors all the time. But we knew you would eventually need to come home. And that’s where he waited for you, as I'm sure you've figured out."
"Yeah, I figured it out. Where is Mallory though?"
"Oh, most of her is in the backyard. Along with most of some other people."
"Okay," Scott interrupted, "enough of this James Bond, laying out every goddamn detail of our crimes, bullshit!"
I couldn't help but smile.
"What the fuck is so goddamn amusing to you, P.I.?"
"Nothing," I said. "Just that your wife already made that reference today."
"Well I'm glad you'll die with a smile on your face then, Mr. Lemons." He looked at his son who had apparently dug out a chunk of dry ice from a large freezer near his chair, wrapped it in a towel, and was currently holding it over his bloody groin. "James, get over here. You'll finally get the chance to finish the goddamn job you should have done in the first place. I’m not wasting my time with you, any more Mr. Lemons and currently we have no other use for you. So… Roxanne, hand James the gun. James, finish this piece of shit off so we can get back to business!"
James came hobbling over to where I was seated and took the gun from Roxanne. My heart was pounding again; I could feel it in my head and my arms. The blood from above my ear started spilling out at a steadier pace now. I looked up, saw some light shift from under the door, and started laughing. I couldn't help it. The laughter just came and there was nothing I could do about it.
"What the hell is so funny?!" Scott screamed at me.
"The fact that you guys only have one gun. What kind of lame-ass criminals share a gun? Oh, and I'm also thinking about this silly joke that just popped into my head"
"That’s what you think of right before you're going to die? Oh well, by all means; enlighten us with your hilarious anecdote."
"Actually an anecdote is an amusing true story. I can't imagine this joke actually having any truth to it. You could have said ‘humorous monkeyshine’ though, if you wanted to give off the impression that you weren't as dumb as you loo..."
"Enough! James, kill him!"
"A guy is walking to his car in a parking lot!" I yell. All three of them just stare at me. I start laughing again "This gang of thugs comes up to him and starts pushing him around. They tell him to stay right where he is and one of the guys gets a stick and draws a crude little circle around the man in the dirt on the ground. The thug says 'If you move out of that circle, we will kill you! Got it?!' The man simply nods his head and the thugs start beating the shit out of the guy's brand new Mercedes. Just absolutely destroying it. Breaking the windows, slashing the tires, cutting up the interior, pissing on it. Everything the thugs could do to ruin his beautiful car, they do. When they finish they walk back over to the man, still standing in his circle. But the man is dying of laughter. Just laughing so hard tears are falling down his cheeks. One of the thugs asks him 'What the hell is so funny? We just ruined your car!' And the guy says 'Yeah, but while you were doing that, I stepped out of the circle THREE TIMES!'"
James actually gave the joke a little smile, his father and step mom weren't amused. Scott told his son to hurry up and get this over with. I asked for one more request.
"What is it now?! No amount of talking is going to save you," Scott said.
"It'll be quick, I promise. I just need to step out of my circle for a second. Can you just do me a favor and hand me my phone. I've left my detective friend waiting long enough. It's right there under that sheet."
All eyes turned to the sheet except mine. James quickly looked back at me and put the gun to my forehead. I heard the loud bang of a shot firing out and for the second time today, I saw a man get his head blown apart. This time little chunks of his skull fly into my face.
I look up and with my blood filled eyes see my totally hetero knights in shining armor, Anderson and Enzite.
26.
From the angle that James was shot he falls just to the left of me, thank goodness. I look down and see him face down on the floor in a puddle of blood so red it almost looks black. I hear another shot blast out and it quickly snaps me from my revere. I look around and don't see Roxanne or Scott anywhere. Anderson and Enzite come storming down the stairs and I yell to them that I think the bad guys only have one gun and its down here by my feet.
I start trying to hop in my chair, I need to get free. The chair won't seem to break, though and I end up lifting it so high that when it comes back down, one of the legs lands on top of James McKigney's head, breaking straight through his shattered skull and right into his brain. I lose all my balance and end up falling to the floor into a puddle of his blood.
From the ground level, I look to see if I can see any light displacement from underneath any of this shit they have stored down here. The basement is huge with tons of places to hide. Enzite comes over to me, takes a knife out of his pocket, and cuts me loose.
"Can you walk?" he asks me.
I tell him I don't know and that I'm hurt pretty badly. "Don't worry about me though, catch those assholes!"
Enzite leaves me as I hear Anderson calling for immediate backup. I manage to get myself to my knees and grab James' gun from him. I crawl towards the wall and try to regain my composure. My eyes are blurry with blood and tiny bits of skull. I try to rub them clean but it doesn't do much good.
I survey the basement as best I can now. Gun in-hand, heart still pounding and blood flowing from my head, I do my best to stand up. The pain in my chest in nearly unbearable but I fight through it.
Detectives Anderson and Enzite are slowly casing the room, guns drawn and ready for action.
"Give it up, assholes!" Anderson yells out. "There is no way out of here. We've got the house covered, too and you're unarmed. Come out and make it easy on yourselves!"
A loud click and a sizzle sound fill my ears as the power is killed. The only light now is from the house through the open door and whatever light is seeping in through the wooden doors leading to the yard. My hands begin to tremble again.
Ahead of me to the left, I can barely make out one of the detectives pulling something from his pocket. A little flashlight. He smacks the flashlight against his open hand a few times and I see the light flicker on just in time to notice Scott swinging a golf club at Enzite's head. Enzite drops to the ground and his flashlight falls free from his grasp and allows me to see Scott reach down and quickly steal his gun. The light from a muzzle flash from Anderson's gun momentarily lights up the room again just long enough for me to see that Scott has already vanished. I started running towards where I thought the giant freezer was. If I opened the door, it would provide a little more light, as long as all the power in basement wasn‘t cut.
I hear Anderson yelling into his radio for more backup but I have lost sight of him. I reach the freezer door and open it up. The only thing in it is a whole lot of dry ice so cold that it burns my lungs upon my first breath. The light is too dim to provide much help for Anderson or myself but it does, however, provide me with just enough to see Roxanne step out of the darkness and swing a large candlestick, connecting directly with my ribs. All the air leaves my lungs as I fall to the floor and drop the gun. I begin trying frantically to take a breath, but none will come. My eyes start to well up with tears and it actually helps clear my vision a little. I see Roxanne bend down and pick up the gun. She grabs me by the collar of my shirt and makes me stand on my feet. I am still gasping for air.
"It's over!" she calls out. "I've got your friend!"
I could feel the barrel of the gun press against the back of my head. She wrapped her left arm around my neck, keeping me steady as oxygen finally filled my lungs. She was shielding herself with me and I was doing my best to shield myself with the open freezer door, in case Anderson tried to get tricky.
"I'm going to walk out of here, free and easy, or else your friend here meets the same fate as my stepson. Got it?!"
"That's not how it works, bitch!" Anderson yelled. "There is no escape for you!"
Three loud shots ring out and the flash allows me to see Anderson get thrown backwards from the force of the bullets. The loud crash that follows confirms that he is on the ground.
"Make sure the other one is dead!" Roxanne calls out to her husband. "I'm not killing our ace in the hole until we're in the clear!"
I could hear the footsteps of Scott walking towards, presumably, where Enzite went down. This was my only chance. I reached behind me and grabbed a chunk of dry ice with my bare hand. It burned like hell but I managed to grab a nice size shard. I quickly swung my hand up behind me and smacked the ice on the right side of Roxanne's face. I move my head to get away from the barrel of the gun and heard Roxanne scream in pain. She squeezed off two wild and deafening shots before she brought her hands up to try and defend herself. I heard Scott yell. He had been hit.
I managed to push the ice into her face so hard that I backed her up against the wall. Now I was using the force of both my hands as I continued to press it into her face as hard as I could. With the gun still held tightly in her hand, she managed to get off one more shot and I felt the bullet rip through my left arm. The force of the shot had caused her to flail around a bit and I managed to work a corner of the ice into her eye socket. I strayed from my original plan of just burning her and turned the ice on end and shoved it straight through her eye before she could get off another shot. She went limp and fell to the ground dead. The dry ice was still in my hand. It wouldn't come free. I had to tear a layer of my skin off with it just to get it off of me.
I fell to the floor and threw up. I had never killed anyone before. I didn't like the feeling.
The lights came back on and I saw Scott limping towards me, yelling over the loss of his wife. He had been shot in the hip.
"You motherfucker!" he yelled! "You killed my wife!"
"Yeah," I said. "I know how that feels."
He raised Enzite's gun towards me, fired off a shot, and hit me right in the shoulder. It hardly hurt but I still fall backwards into my own vomit. My body was in too much shock to process pain right now.
"Nice shot, Quigley," is all I can manage to say before I hear gunshot after gunshot ring through the basement, and see Scott's body being torn apart. He manages to stay on his feet until he hits the wall behind him, and then slowly slides down it.
I cautiously move out from behind the freezer and see Detective Anderson lying on his stomach, both arms extended in front of him, holding his gun as smoke exits the barrel.
He looks at me and says, "Nice work with that cell phone tracking idea," then lets his head fall back to the ground.
I can hear sirens in the distance. They're too late.
Epilogue
It's been over one week since the basement incident and I am still lying here in this hospital bed. Apparently, I have become somewhat of a local celebrity since I've been here. My room is filled with flowers and balloons and my voicemail is filled with potential new clients and one message from the totally clueless Max Raddich, asking me what the name is of the company that turned Murphy into Robocop.
I've had several visitors over these past few days, including the reporter from the Californian whom I decided to give an exclusive interview with and Detective Enzite, whose stay in the hospital was less than one day. No brain hemorrhaging for him. He had informed me that Detective Anderson's bulletproof vest saved his life. It blocked one of the bullets from entering his heart. Two other bullets entered his body though, from the side. They were serious but the doctors were sure he would pull through. He was in the room right next to me.
When I had woken up for the first time in the hospital, I had been cleaned, thank God, and shaved. Whoever did it had left me with just the mustache. I admired it with the front-facing camera on my phone. "Not bad," I said to myself.
From what I've heard, the police arrived just after I had passed out in a puddle of my own blood and vomit. The McKigney's backyard was indeed dug up, as per my request, and the remains of several young adults were found. Mallory Colley's body hadn't even had to time to decompose.
We still have no idea who all was involved in this operation and I'm scared to think that it is still going on out there. I try to push it out of my mind.
I wake up a lot from nightmares now. In the movies
when the hero kills a bad guy, everyone is happy and the hero feels great. Unfortunately for me, that’s not the way it is. I don't like the way being a killer fits me but I'm just going to have to learn to live with it, I suppose. We were all cleared on the killings, too, as they were proven quite justifiable. The less they know about Kojak in the Mon Signor parking lot, the better though. Whenever I replay the moment with Roxanne in my head, it always happens in a much cooler way, just like in the movies. I even manage to spit out some cheesy one-liner, like “ICE to see you.” I guess I do this to try to make myself feel better about it happening. It doesn’t really work though. I had killed a woman and I was never going to be okay with that. Sure, it was the woman responsible for my wife’s death, but it still didn’t feel okay.
There is a knock on my door and I look up to see my new reasons for living. Elliot, Eric and Elise all walk in to greet me. It's the first time I've seen them since I've been here, even though I'm told they've visited several times when I was in surgery or sleeping.
I ask Elise how the job hunt is going and she looks at me as if I am insane.
"Like I've had any time to look while you've been in here," she tells me.
"Well, ya never know."
"Thanks for the TVs by the way. Totally unnecessary and we are not accepting them."
"You so are. I refuse to watch TV on your pieces of crap and I'm shacking up with you guys for a while. Surprise!"
"Yay."
"I paid your mortgage for next three months, too."
She rolls her eyes at me, smiling, and asks me how I feel. The kids are lying by my sides, happy to finally see their only uncle alive and well.
"I was thinking," I say to Elise. "I've got an entire voice mailbox filled with new clients."
"Yeah?"
"I mean, I know my organizational skills are second to none and all, but I really could use some help. What do you say? I won’t ever put you in harm’s way and the pay is good. Full benefits for the kids, too. Whatta ya say?"
"Kind of sounds like charity."