"Jules--"
"Don't, Shara. I know the arguments you're going to make. But when you strip them all away, you do have to wonder at the truth. Really. There has to be something defective within me at my core soul. My parents aren't bad people. My father is extremely well-respected by everyone who knows him. His parents adored the ground he walked on. My brother and his family think the universe of him. My mother has always been in love with my father since the day they met. My mother and aunt are completely devoted to each other. They love and respect Nykyrian, who in turn loves and respects them. They have the devotion of the entire population of Andaria and the media. I, alone, am the one they all hated and ridiculed from the moment I was born."
"They never gave you a chance."
"Honestly, I don't think it would have mattered. It's like when a dog or lorina attacks a predator or a damaged pup or cub. They instinctively know there's something wrong with the newcomer and that it's harmful to their group so they attack and kill it before it has a chance to damage the rest. Maybe I'm that defective, harmful cub that needs to be culled or killed."
"I don't believe that."
"Surely they can't all be wrong. There has to be something defective with me."
"Is that really what you want to put your faith in?"
He swallowed hard. "I don't know. But if the same thing keeps happening everywhere I go ... the problem has to be with me. It's the only rational conclusion to be drawn."
"And maybe it's simply that you're different. Not defective. A lorina will attack any species that isn't its own. Any scent it doesn't recognize to protect its cubs. They will eat their own offspring if you spray the scent of another creature on it. People and Andarions can be the same. You know this. Look at what the Ixurianir have done throughout history to the Pavakahir and Murakhir--the darkhearts persecuted the winged races before they came after the Fyrebloods. They even went after the stralanuer at one time in our history, before they understood the science that caused male eyes to turn red. Humans are even worse. Trajen's entire race was put down because they feared them so. Was your brother always treated better than you?"
Jullien flinched. "No. And to my eternal shame, I'm to blame for some of that."
"What do you mean?"
He pressed his hands to his ears and doubled over in the bed as if the agony of the memory was more than he could bear. His breathing ragged, he curled into a ball and shook.
Terrified, she rubbed at his back to comfort him. "Jullien? What is it?"
He didn't speak as silent tears shook him. In all the times she'd seen him upset, she'd never seen him like this.
Aching for him, she held him until his misery and grief were spent.
Oxana almost came in during it, but caught a glimpse and quickly reversed course. Before she went, her sister pulled the bedroom door closed and left them alone.
After awhile, Jullien finally calmed. He moved to lay on his side, facing the wall. His breathing ragged, he swallowed hard and toyed with her fingers.
Ushara remained snuggled against his back, holding him close. With her arm under his head, she nuzzled his neck. "Are you all right?"
He nodded, but when he spoke, he contradicted the gesture. "Not really." She felt his hot tears on her skin as he swallowed again. "I've wronged my brother in so many ways that it shames me to the depth of my immortal soul. In my all my life, it's the only thing I truly regret. The only thing I wish I could change. I'm so sorry for what I've done to him and I can't even apologize for it. There's no way I can ever make it right."
"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to."
He fell silent for several minutes before he finally spoke again. "I thought him dead for so long. He was an axe that hung over my head. A threat my grandmother used against me that I used against her."
"What do you mean?"
"With him dead, I was heir. She kept threatening to kill me as easily as she'd killed him if I displeased her. And I had a degree of arrogance that she wouldn't actually kill me. I knew Tylie was a lesbian and wouldn't have children. Not just because of Kelsei, but because she can't abide them. She hates kids passionately. And her partner isn't any better. Their idea of watching a child is, here, little boy. Stick this metal hair clip in the wall socket."
Ushara laughed in spite of the seriousness. "Sorry."
"Yeah, so was I when I did it."
"Are you joking?"
"No. Would you like to see the scar? It turned my entire hand black. Learned more about electrical currents at age three than any toddler needs to know."
Well that quelled her humor. She grimaced. How he could find such gallows humor in his past, she had no idea.
"Anyway, given that, in spite of my grandmother's constant assertions that she'd put my cousins on the throne in my place, I was relatively sure she was arrogant enough to keep her own blood there, even though it was half human and tainted. So we bickered and I bled for it until the day I was in school and a new student arrived. At first, I didn't recognize him. I thought it was just another human they'd let in. It was a weird program they'd started a couple of years earlier to integrate us. As a result, we'd been having a huge surge in human enrollment. I thought nothing of it until they said he was the adopted brother of Aksel and Arast Quiakides--a hybrid human-Andarion they'd found in an orphanage."
Jullien fell silent as he saw himself again in class and felt the fear of that afternoon so clearly. Merrell had sat beside him as a pall had fallen over both of them.
At first, Jullien had thought that maybe, just maybe there might be another hybrid in existence. It was possible another Andarion had slept with a human.
Until Nyk had looked at him. The moment he saw the gut-knotting hatred for him in those human eyes that were so similar to his, in the face of his father ...
There had been no doubt. Though Nyk's features were younger, he was the very image of their father. And he carried himself with the same arrogant bearing and mannerisms that Jullien despised with every part of his being. Gave him that same condescending look of disgust and disdain that said he was struggling with every breath to barely tolerate Jullien's presence.
Just a child, Jullien had panicked as he sat there, terrified someone would realize this was his long-dead brother. His cousin Chrisen knew instantly. The expression on his face had confirmed it as he swung around in the desk in front of Jullien to glare at him.
Jullien had hastily glanced around to see if anyone else caught on. Thankfully, no one else was bright enough.
Only the five of them knew. Him. Nyran. Merrell. Chrisen. Nykyrian.
And he'd been torn between wanting to run to his brother and throw his arms around him in gratitude that Nyk was alive, and terrified of what it would mean to have him returned to their lineage. Eriadne had "killed" Nyk for a reason she'd never fully explained.
End of the day, the bitch was bat-shit crazy. She was tadara with unlimited power over everyone's lives. He was barely able to keep his mother alive as it was. Barely able to keep himself alive and out of the hole beneath her palace.
He knew from experience that his father wouldn't step in. He'd already asked his father to help him and his answer?
"It's not worth a war with the Andarion empire. I will not fight your grandmother over you. Don't bother me again with your ridiculous requests. You're Andarion. Act like it. Strap up, and stop whining like a bitch."
His human grandfather was even less likely to step in, especially after he'd pissed in his pool. Literally.
So Jullien had done the only thing he knew to do. He'd ignored his brother and pretended he didn't know him.
Nykyrian had done the same. He'd walked right past him and sat down in the desk three feet away. No words. Not even a nod of acknowledgment.
Nothing.
That had cut, too. When class had ended, Jullien had fully intended to talk to Nykyrian, but as he headed for him, Merrell, Nyran, and Chrisen had cut him off. Merrell had sent Dancer on to his next class and
Jullien's three cousins had dragged him off to the gym where they'd cornered him.
Merrell had grabbed him by the neck. "It's him, isn't it?"
Jullien had said nothing. He'd known better.
"What are we going to do?" Chrisen was already sweating.
Panting, Nyran was in an all-out panic. "Mom pretended to be Cairistiona. She's the one who gave the orders to have him killed as his mother. That bastard speaks and they'll kill her. They'll kill us all!"
Merrell had slapped his younger brother. "Jullien didn't know any of that, you idiot!"
"Julie won't tell. Will you?"
Jullien's mind had whirled as he stared at the three of them. He knew from experience that while he could take Nyran and Chrisen individually in a fight, he was no match for Merrell. And the three of them together could kick his ass without effort. "I'm not saying anything."
Merrell slapped his brother. "Stop panicking. He can't tell anyone, anyway. Eriadne did it. She's the one who had our mother impersonate Cairie. She'd be the first to cut his throat if he spoke."
Jullien had winced as he finally had the details of what had really happened to his brother. While his grandmother had confessed to killing Nykyrian, she'd never told him how she'd done it.
Now he knew.
And he'd hated her even more.
"Jullien?"
Blinking, he let the sound of Ushara's voice return him to the present and away from that horrid moment. "I was such a bastard, Shara. I was so afraid and angry. The four years we were in school together, I kept waiting for someone to realize he was my brother. I knew if they did, that I'd be killed. If he was alive, they wouldn't need me. My grandmother was so unstable. My cousins even more so. Worse, their mother was the one who'd played the largest part in his supposed death. Hell, she'd impersonated my mother--which was a crime in and of itself. And her sons were at me the whole time to do something to get rid of him. I was under constant attack from all of them. I didn't know what to do. And my father kept screaming at me for being sullen and withdrawn. Mostly because Parisa and Merrell were pumping me full of drugs to keep me sedated so that they could control me. They overdosed me eight times, which my father thought I did. Of course, that made him attack me more because he thought I was a raging drug addict. Tylie and my grandmother, too. I still don't know why they didn't outright kill me, then. Although I suspect a couple of the overdoses were meant to end my life, and I was just too stubborn to die."
Biting his lip, he turned to face her. "I antagonized Nyk in school. Part of me wanted him to tell others I was his brother. I figured if he outed us, then I couldn't be accused of it. Another part of me wanted to hurt him for leaving me to deal with all of them on my own, and I was just lashing out. I didn't understand then how bad he had it at home and honestly, I was so wrapped up in my own hell, that I didn't care."
He closed his eyes and winced. "I just wanted him to bleed as much as I did. It seemed like he'd come back for no other reason than to show everyone else what a second-rate piece of shit I was and rub my nose in it. All those feelings of inadequacy from my early childhood returned with a vengeance. He was always smarter. More handsome and lean. The better athlete and student. Better son. It's why they loved him more. I was jealous. I admit it. Still, he didn't deserve what I did to him. Maybe if I'd just told my father who Nyk was when he'd first shown up..."
"Why didn't you?"
"Honestly? I didn't think my father would do anything to help him. Or even believe me--which he never did. He wasn't emperor then. His father was still alive and anytime I'd ever asked him to help, he'd refused, saying he didn't want to start a war with my grandmother. And I had no doubt that telling him about Nyk would start shit with her. So I swear to the gods, truthfully I feared that if I told him it was Nykyrian, he'd tell my grandmother and hand us both over to her and she'd kill us in a fit of rage."
"Really?"
He gave a bitter laugh. "Shara, you can't imagine the things I've seen her do. The things she's done to me out of sheer spite. She's psychotic. When I was eight years old, she gutted my uncle in front of me, during dinner, because she'd seen him speaking to someone she suspected of plotting against her."
"Oh my God, Jules."
"Yeah ... then she cleaned her knife off on his shirt, sat down and started eating again with his corpse right there, between us. Her own child. And made me eat, too, and had me beaten every time I gagged. Believe me, anytime we had an unexpected dinner guest, I was terrified why."
"How could your father leave you there?"
"I don't think he realized how bad she was. To be fair to him, he probably couldn't conceive of the level of evil she exists on. Whenever I tried to explain it, he would call me a liar. Let's face it, it really is something you have to witness firsthand to fully appreciate. So I understand why your father and family hates mine so vehemently. They're a special level of Tophet all to themselves."
"But it's not fair to put you on par with them when you don't deserve it."
He scoffed at her. "As I said, I'm not innocent. You don't grow up in that palace, surrounded by her level of evil without being damaged, inside, out. I promise you, Kirill is lighting a special missive to Kadora right now with my name all over it."
She laughed as she remembered his fit last night. "I'm sure he is. Did you have to blow up the whole ship?"
"It was the lesser evil since what I really wanted to set on fire was Kirill. So it was a good thing I came across the ship first, as restraint is not one of the virtues generally associated with my name. Hence the pool incident on my grandfather's birthday and the statue of my grandmother I blew up with ship fuel."
"In that case, you made a good call."
Expelling a heavy breath, he fingered the wedding ring he'd given her. "You need to see about annulling our marriage and extricating yourself from me before I drag you down."
She closed her hand over his. "No. I made my commitment to you and I meant it. I love you, Jules. And I will fight for you."
"Why?" he asked with a sincerity that made her heart ache. He truly couldn't fathom that anyone could care for him.
She couldn't imagine having so little self-worth.
Wanting to tease him, she cupped his cheek. "I've no idea. You make me crazy. You worry the snot out of me, but I can't stand the thought of not having you in my life. When Davel came back and told me what they'd done to you ... Kirill's lucky I didn't set him on fire."
Bowing his head, he pressed his forehead against hers and held her. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course."
"When I was a boy and it would get unbearable, I used to run and hide in the old archives or cellars of the palace. There I would imagine that I really was the long-lost son of Samari, and that she was in the shadows, looking for me. She would take my hand and turn me into one of the Dagger Ixurir so that I wouldn't have to go back to my room and deal with my aunt or grandmother. But no matter how hard I looked for her, she never came for me."
"Is that why you chose your alias?"
He nodded. "I would also pray that my mother or father would come for me. That they'd remember they had a son." He twisted her ring around on her finger. "But they never did."
Then he locked gazes with her. "The whole time I was on that Ladorian base, I wanted them to kill me. I was so tired and hungry and hurt. Yet in the back of my mind, I saw your face, and all I could think about was how sad you look whenever you talk about losing your husband, and I didn't want to be your sadness. So I fought on and hoped that you'd come for me. But I didn't really think you would."
A tear slid from the corner of his eye. "I will never doubt you again." He dipped his head to give her the sweetest, tenderest kiss of her life. Never had she tasted anything like it.
His breathing changed as he rolled with her and he lifted the hem of her gown. "In all my life, you are the only one who has never disappointed me."
"Kimi ti, Jules," she whispered in his ear as he slid himself inside her.
br /> He tightened his arms around her and held her close against him and cupped her cheek in his hand as he stared down into her eyes. "Just promise you'll never let me go."
"Never."
For the first time in his life, Jullien trusted and it terrified him. He was so vulnerable right now. In a way he'd never been before. Ushara alone had the means to utterly destroy him. No one had ever held this much power over his life and heart.
No one.
She possessed a part of his soul he hadn't even known existed. Closing his eyes, he lost himself to the warmth of her body wrapped around his. To the pleasure of her limbs sliding against his as she caressed his body and held his dark heart. She was so tiny and frail compared to him. Yet she was the most powerful creature he'd ever met. One frown on her face could cut him to the bone.
One cruel word from her lips could kill him.
And when she came a few minutes later in his arms, calling his name, he finally felt like he was home.
Most of all, he felt wanted. Growling low, he buried his head in her head and joined her in her release.
Ushara smiled as she felt Jullien tremble in her arms and surrender his weight to her. It was the first he'd done that. Normally, he was so careful to move away and not crush her. But she loved the sensation of his massive size pressing her down in the bed.
"Am I killing you?" he asked with a light laugh.
"No."
He stayed there a moment longer before he rolled with her and settled on his back with her draped over his chest. "Will you stay in bed with me all day?"
"If that's what you want, yes."
His gaze burned into her. "I do."
She lifted his hand and kissed his scarred knuckle. "Then let me check to make sure my sister got Vas off to school and that she'll pick him up, then I shall be right back to stay right here until tomorrow morning."
"She doesn't have to get him from school. I'd like to have dinner with him. I missed him, too."
"Okay, then. Half the day in bed." She kissed his cheek before she got up.
Jullien listened as she walked down the hallway. He glanced around the garishly pink and horrendously feminine room that had been hideous to him before he'd left. Now he found it the most beautiful place he'd ever seen. There was nowhere else he'd rather be.
After a few minutes, she came back with more food and drink. "They're all gone." She followed his line of sight up to the rose and vine chandelier that cast rainbow prisms on the ceiling. "We should probably redecorate some, shouldn't we? Make it a bit more appealing for you?"