Noel just nods her head.
“We’re gonna have a baby?”
She nods again and I jump up from the kneeler, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me.
“Sorry, God, but HOLY SHIT WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!” I shout as loud as I can, my voice echoing around the quiet church. I bury my face into the side of Noel’s neck and tighten my hold on her.
“Son, I’m a very forgiving man, but after the incident with the pig, I can’t take much more today.”
Pulling back from Noel, I give Father Brian a sheepish smile as he sighs and continues walking down the aisle to the front of the church.
When he’s out of earshot, I look back down at Noel and press my hands to either side of her face.
“Holy shit, we’re gonna have a baby!” I whisper.
“So, you’re happy? This is okay? I know it’s a shock, but—”
“Honey, I’m not happy, I’m more than happy. There isn’t even a word for what I am right now. I love you so much,” I tell her, tilting my head forward and pressing my lips against hers.
“I love you more. I’m sorry I called you a monster,” she tells me.
“I kind of deserved it. I mean, you thought you were telling me you were pregnant and I was telling you I didn’t want it. Don’t worry, I’ve already put Aunt Bobbie and Scheva in time-out until they’re ready to apologize,” I reassure her.
Noel laughs as we break apart, our hands lacing together as we walk down our respective rows until we get to the center aisle and start walking to the back of the church.
“You’re going to be such a good dad.”
“Too bad I was a shitty husband. You’ve had morning sickness all this time, not the flu. I’m such an idiot,” I tell her.
“We’re both idiots, but we’re gonna have a baby and hopefully stupidity skips a generation,” she says with a laugh.
We pause at the back of the church and I turn Noel to face me, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close.
“I am so in love you with you. I can’t believe we’re going to have a baby,” I whisper.
Sliding her hands up my chest, she laces her fingers together at the back of my neck.
“I wish we were alone right now and didn’t have to go back to my parent’s house for Easter dinner.”
Glancing over Noel’s shoulder, I notice an open door behind her that leads to a closet.
“Your family is going to be busy for a little while longer with the egg hunt. How do you feel about having sex in a church?” I ask softly, slowly walking her backwards and into the dark room.
“Well, we already talked about anal in God’s house, how much worse could it get?” she laughs, as I close the door behind us.
Lifting her up in my arms, Noel quickly wraps her legs around my waist as I turn and push her back gently against the wall next to the door.
“Just so we’re in agreement, I’m driving the bus to hell, but I’ll give you a good deal on your ticket to ride.”
It’s pitch dark in this room and, as I remove one arm from around Noel, I feel her body shake with laughter against mine as I smack my hand against the wall in search of a light switch.
“Oh, I definitely want to ride,” she says in a low, sexy voice, pulling my head towards her so quickly that our foreheads smack together instead of our lips. “Ow, ow, ow!”
“Shit, are you okay? It’s really dark in here,” I state, still fumbling around with my palm against the wall. “Where the hell is the light switch?”
Her hands move from the back of my neck, and I feel them slide between us, going right for the button and zipper of my pants.
“I’m fine, screw the lights,” she replies, her hand easing into the opening of my pants and right down into my boxer briefs, pulling my cock out and stroking it from base to tip.
I groan, forgetting all about looking for the light as she teases my dick. Moving my hand away from the wall, I pull my hips back enough to reach between her legs and slide her thong to the side. Still holding me in her hands, Noel guides me to her as I push my hips forward and feel the tip of my cock slide through her wetness.
“Oh, I’m gonna screw something alright,” I whisper as I slowly push inside of her.
Chapter 11
Sperm Donor
Noel
“Oh, yes!” I shout, moving my hand out from between our bodies to hold on tightly to Sam’s shoulders as he slowly pumps in and out of me.
I wish I could see his face, but there’s something about having sex in total darkness that makes things even hotter. Or maybe it’s just the fact that my husband is really good at what he does to my body.
“Baby, you gotta be quiet,” Sam reminds me, his lips hovering right over mine as he starts thrusting harder.
His hand slides down from my back and under the skirt of my dress to clutch my ass, holding himself deep inside of me and swiveling his hips.
“Oh, my God…” I mumble, grinding myself against him. “How am I supposed to be quiet when you do that?”
All of a sudden, I feel something wet against my cheek.
“Did you just lick my cheek?” I ask when he pulls his hips back and thrusts into me harder.
“Sorry, it’s fucking dark in here and I can’t find your mouth.”
Patting my hands against the side of his neck and up to his face, I feel my way across his cheeks with the tips of my fingers until I get to his lips, like a person reading braille.
Moving my head forward, I press my lips to his, pulling my fingers out of the way and moving them down to clutch the material of his shirt.
His mouth opens and his tongue slides past my lips, swirling around my own as he picks up the pace, fucking me with slow, shallow strokes, hitting me in the perfect spot over and over until my thighs start to shake around his hips and I lock my ankles together tighter against his lower back.
I moan into his mouth as he keeps up the same rhythm, kissing me harder as his hips start moving faster between my thighs. My orgasm explodes out of me so quickly that it takes my breath away, and I yank my lips away from his to shout his name as he pounds into me, my back smacking against the wall as he buries his face into the side of my neck, muffling his own shout as he quickly follows. His hips jerk and his body shudders as he comes inside of me, before collapsing against me and pinning me harder to the wall.
“Damn, pregnant sex is hot,” I admit, my head thumping back against the wall.
“If I could see your face, I’d look into your eyes and tell you I agree, and I love you.”
Sam groans as he slowly pulls himself out of me and I unlock my ankles, sliding my legs down until my feet hit the floor.
I pause in the process of smoothing my skirt down when there’s a knock at the door.
“I’m going to assume you two are in that closet because you’re looking for your coats,” my dad says through the door.
“Honey, it’s the middle of spring and it’s gorgeous outside. Noel and Sam didn’t wear coats,” my mom tells him from outside the closet.
“Let me have my illusions, Beverly. You’ve already killed my bacon dreams, how much more do you want me to suffer?”
“How come we’ve never had sex in a church, Reggie?”
“THEY’RE LOOKING FOR COATS! STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!
I hear Sam sigh, and we bump into each other as we both try feeling our way in the dark room for the door handle.
“Quit dilly-dallying in there LOOKING FOR YOUR COATS!” my dad orders. “Easter dinner isn’t going to cook itself, and I’ve got a wife to roofie and a Bacon to butcher.”
My parents continue to argue as they walk away, their voices slowly beginning to fade. Sam finally finds the door, turns the handle and opens it, both of us squinting when the light comes pouring into the room.
“Remember when I said I hope stupidity skips a generation?” I ask as Sam grabs my hand and we walk out of the closet. “Hopefully batshit crazy skips a generation, too.”
 
; * * *
“Num, num, num, little cutie, isn’t that good? Yes, it is good. Clean your plate and you can have dessert, my handsome little man.”
Everyone around the table stops eating and stares at my dad in silence until he finally looks up at us from the end of the table, patting Bacon’s head where he currently sits on my dad’s lap, gobbling up a slice of ham right from dad’s plate.
“Don’t look at me like that. He grew on me, alright?” dad mutters before looking back down at Bacon and smiling.
“I think I just lost my appetite again. I can’t believe you’re feeding him ham,” I huff with a grimace.
I don’t know if it was sex with Sam earlier that cured my morning sickness, or just the fact that my mom’s food can cure anything, but I haven’t stopped eating since we sat down at the table.
Ham, cheesy potatoes, stuffed cabbage rolls, pasta salad, deviled eggs, a veggie tray…I’ve shoveled several platefuls of everything into my mouth, nonstop, in the last half hour since my mom finished cooking and set everything on the table.
With a full belly, I reach over and give Sam’s hand a squeeze and he smiles and nods at me. We rode back to my parent’s house alone in our car, and I told him I had special Easter presents for everyone to tell them some exciting news I received the other day, and to tell my parents that we’re expecting a baby. Sam brought the baskets in when everyone was busy helping my mom in the kitchen. I push back my chair and quickly go into the living room to grab everything.
Walking back into the dining room with a handful of small, plastic baskets filled with different colored Easter grass, and a present for each person nestled in the grass, I walk around the table, handing each person their basket until I get back to my seat and set a basket for Sam in front of him.
“So, I have some news. First, everyone take out the item in their basket,” I instruct.
My dad goes first, pulling a coffee mug out of his basket and reading what’s printed on the side of it.
“Dad’s poop juice,” he reads. “I like it. Can’t start the day without my morning dump.”
Scheva goes next, pulling a handful of pens out of her basket, reading the words printed on each one.
“Hands off you thieving twat, professional giver of no fucks, this is my pen dickface,” Scheva reads with a laugh. “Awwwww, you know me so well, asshole.”
Alex pulls a bumper sticker out of his basket and holds it up for everyone to see.
“I love midget porn,” he says with a smile. “I do, I really do.”
Aunt Bobbie then pulls a button out of her basket.
“I am a hazard to society,” she reads. “I should probably be offended by this, but fuck it. It’s true,” she says with a shrug.
Finally, my mom pulls a small box out of her basket, opening the lid and pulling out the silver necklace with its small, flat circle of stamped metal hanging from the chain.
“I love Bacon. Oh, Noel, how sweet!”
I smile at everyone around the table.
“So, you all know how my bosses have asked me to think outside my usual greeting card box, but didn’t give me much more of an explanation?” I ask, as everyone nods. “Well, I found out the reason for that. They recently got approval from the board of directors about expanding Seduction and Snacks. Starting in a few weeks, the stores will now be called, Seduction and Snacks and Salutations. Each store will now have a small area that will sell anything I want with inappropriate sayings on them, from shirts, to coffee mugs, to pens, to whatever I can think of.”
Everyone around the table starts cheering and Sam grabs my hand, pulling it up to his mouth and kissing the top of it. I already told him this information in the car, and he hasn’t stopped telling me how proud he is of me since then. I can see the pride shining in his eyes as he looks up at me with a smile.
“Sam and I have one more surprise,” I tell them, interrupting the celebration as Sam hands me one of the rolled up t-shirts from the basket in front of him before grabbing the second one I put in there.
We both unfold and shake out the shirts, turning them around and holding them up in front of us at the same time.
Sam’s shirt says “Sperm Donor”, and my shirt says “Sperm Recipient” across the front.
It only takes two seconds for my mom to read them and scream at the top of her lungs.
“OH, MY GOD, MY BABY IS HAVING A BABY!”
She flies out of her chair and races around the table, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her.
“How in the hell did this happen?” my dad mutters as my mom pulls back from me and glares at him.
“How do you think it happened, Reggie? Immaculate conception?”
“Exactly. Let’s go with that, since Sam knows better than to defile my daughter,” he states, shooting an angry look at my husband.
“Oh, for cheddar’s sake, we’re going to be grandparents again. Tell Noel you’re happy,” my mom orders him.
“I’m extremely happy Noel is making me a grandfather again, as long as it was an immaculate conception.”
Giving up, my mom looks away from my dad and pulls me in for another tight hug.
“I’m so happy for you, honey. I was so worried Sam’s swimmers would be duds,” she says.
“Heeeeey,” Sam protests.
My mom moves away from me to pat Sam on the shoulder.
“Oh, don’t be offended, sweetie. You know we were all worried about your sperm ever since your wedding and that stray firework. I’ve been having the women in my quilting guild at church pray for your sperm ever since then,” she tells him.
“Yeah, God!” Aunt Bobbie shouts, lifting her glass of wine into the air. “Here’s to Sam’s swimmers not being burnt to a crisp!”
As everyone toasts my husband’s sperm, my dad finally gets up from his chair and, with Bacon under one arm, gives me a hug and tells me he really is happy for us. But not without a two-finger eye-point to Sam before he heads outside.
“Alright, everyone! It’s time for the street Easter egg hunt with the neighborhood children. And Reggie has his own special surprise for everyone!” My mom exclaims with a clap of her hands.
We all get up from the table and start filing outside.
“Do you think your dad’s special surprise has anything to do with beating the shit out of me for defiling you?” Sam asks as we head out into my parent’s front yard.
“If it does, I’ll give you enough warning so you can run,” I tell him.
Chapter 12
The Bunny is Coming
Sam
Standing behind Noel with my arms wrapped around her, I rest my chin on top of her head and smile. From our spot on the sidewalk, we watch Bev walk around the yard with a tray of the Easter candy she made, passing it out to the parents as all of the neighborhood kids walk around, searching for the Easter eggs Noel colored that Bev hid earlier this morning. Everyone is smiling and laughing and having a great time under the late afternoon sun, watching the kids search through Bev’s tulips and daffodils and behind trees decorated with plastic eggs. Everyone seems to have gotten used to the scary bunnies littering the lawn. Even though they give those things a wide berth as they walk around them, no one is crying.
“This is going to be our future,” I whisper to Noel, unable to take my eyes off of a little girl around two-years-old, walking around the lawn holding her mother’s hand.
The laughter and joy is suddenly interrupted by terrified screams, and Noel scrambles out of my arms when a group of children come racing down the driveway from the side of the house.
“What the hell?” I wonder as we start heading in their direction, the children full-on sobbing at this point as they look behind them while they run.
“THE BUNNY IS COMING! THE BUNNY IS COMING!”
The shout echoes from the side of the house the kids just came from, and all of a sudden, the entire yard erupts into screams as everyone starts to flee the area. Kids drop their baskets where they stand, and pa
rents scoop up the younger ones and take off running right as something comes around the corner of the house.
“Sorry, Sam. But I’m pretty sure that is our future,” Noel sighs as Reggie, dressed in a giant, fluffy bunny costume, hops through the yard, still shouting.
“THE BUNNY IS COMING! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY?!”
Unfortunately, what was once an adorable bunny costume with a big, fluffy, cute bunny head has been turned into a thing nightmares are made of.
“He dressed the damn bunny in drag. Why would he do that?” Noel says with a shake of her head as a little boy around ten stumbles and falls right in front of us.
He looks over his shoulder in fear, and I quickly bend down and help him get back up on his feet.
“It’s going to kill me! Why is it wearing a dress?” the little boy asks before racing away and down the sidewalk.
Standing back up, I grab Noel’s hand and we walk over to the middle of the yard where Reggie the drag bunny is standing, his giant bunny head wearing a long black wig, bright blue eye shadow caked above his furry eyes, and red lipstick smeared all over his furry lips.
“I don’t understand what the problem is? What is the world coming to when parents aren’t teaching their children how to be sensitive to people who are different?” Reggie asks, his voice coming out muffled inside the bunny head.
“Please! Come back! Don’t be afraid of the bunny! He won’t hurt you! We’re all going to take pictures with the bunny, won’t that be fun?!” Bev shouts as she runs by us behind a small group of parents and children.
There’s another loud, ear-piercing scream from the far corner of the yard and we turn to see Scheva racing towards us with Alex right behind her. I drop Noel’s hand as Scheva flies into her arms.
“Alex asked me to marry him! Alex asked me to marry him!” she shouts.
Noel and Scheva both start screaming, crying, and jumping up and down with their arms still wrapped around each other.
“I can’t believe I’m only going to stick my dick in one woman for the rest of my life,” Alex says to me, sounding a little bewildered, as we watch our women continue to cry and carry on.