Chapter 22: Meanwhile XI
Hanatarou stood on the front porch of Division Nine's vice-captain's quarters, arms clutching a stack of portfolios, looking more nervous than usual. He'd barely knocked on the door than it opened.
Hisagi looked back at him, face lighting up. "Good. Thanks." He snatched the portfolios and began closing the door.
Hanatarou got a glimpse of black and white robes inside. "Can I stay?" he asked, foot in the doorway.
Hisagi frowned. "Captains only."
Hanatarou peeked inside. "Vice-Captains Kira and Abarai are here."
"And vice-captains. No ..." Hisagi tried to remember the Fourth Division member's position, "under ranks."
"Aw, let him stay," Shunsui called from his seat on the couch beside Ukitake. "It'll keep him quiet."
Hisagi nodded and let Hanatarou in, who grinned sheepishly, looking over the collection of captains and vice-captains filling every chair and the two couches in the room. He gave the occupants another look, frowning. "Not all the captains are here."
Zaraki and Shunsui exchanged looks.
"Big meeting at the Shinigami Women's Association this afternoon," Ukitake said as Hisagi shut the door. "Important stuff."
Hanatarou knelt on the floor beside Izuru's chair, looking out at Marechiyo, Renji, Shunsui, Hitsugaya, Zaraki, and Ukitake before glancing at his host who was sifting through the portfolios, and then to Kurotsuchi kneeling behind the blank television set, mumbling savagely as he yanked on cables.
"Pass them out," Shunsui said, extending a hand as Hisagi stood still holding the portfolios.
"I think we should do this systematically, to make sure we don't miss anyone," Hisagi said, hands tight on the photo books.
Renji sighed. "Don't turn this into a delegation. Just pick one and let's get started."
Hisagi shuffled through the portfolios, smiling at the photos on the covers.
"Shouldn't we wait until everyone is here?" Renji said, looking around.
Hisagi found the portfolio he was looking for. "Seventh Division and Vice-Captain Kotsubaki aren't coming. Way behind in paperwork."
A collective groan went through the room.
"What kind of host are you, Hisagi?" Zaraki asked, waiting impatiently. "You got no manners." He looked to the smallest occupant of the room. "Hanatarou, fetch us another round."
Hanatarou glanced to Hisagi, got a nod, and jumped to his feet and disappeared into the kitchen area. He reappeared a moment later with his arms full of saké bottles and passed them out before settling again on the floor at Izuru's chair.
"Start at the beginning," Ukitake said, pulling the cork from his bottle of saké.
Hisagi nodded and took his seat near the couch. "Rukia Kuchiki." He held up the navy portfolio with the small woman's audition photo on it.
A murmur of chuckles went around the room.
Renji scowled at them, reaching for the portfolio. Hisagi held it away.
"She wasn't the first out," Renji said, standing up and making another grab at the photo book.
"Captain Unohana was the first one to return," Zaraki recalled.
Everyone looked to Hanatarou, who paled before blushing.
"I can't take Captain Unohana's personal belongings," he said meekly.
Zaraki growled. "You took everyone else's."
"She's my captain," Hanatarou stammered.
"I'd like to see her portfolio," Ukitake said, smiling before taking a long drink.
"It's good."
They all looked to Zaraki.
"You've seen it?" Shunsui asked incredulously. "Why you?"
Zaraki shrugged, making the couch heave. "A gentleman doesn't tell."
"A gentleman?" Ukitake shook his head. "What's that got to do with you?"
Zaraki let the comment slide.
"Besides, she's at the Women's Association meeting. She'd never know," Ukitake said, coughing a little as he downed another swig of saké. "What kind of emergency can the Women's Association have anyway?"
Everyone shrugged.
"Lack of women's bathrooms in Division Eleven," Marechiyo offered.
"Probably it," Shunsui said as Renji glared at Hisagi.
"Rule number one," Renji said, frowning at the portfolio, "nothing said here leaves. Agreed?"
A round of 'agrees' went through the men. Renji sat on the second couch.
Hisagi opened the photo book, grinning, and then set it before the group on the low table between the couches and chairs. Every set of eyes - including Kurotsuchi's, who'd abandoned the television - looked greedily to Rukia's Gothic Lolita photo. A few disappointed sighs, polite 'cute's, and nods.
"Next?" Hisagi asked.
"Next," came the unanimous reply. Renji's hands tensed as Hisagi turned the portfolio page.
Rukia as Sailor Neptune.
"Sailor Moon Challenge," Izuru read from the caption.
"Kind of tame," Hisagi decided, holding the portfolio so Hitsugaya could see it better across the table.
Hitsugaya shrugged.
"Move on," Shunsui said, downing half his bottle of saké.
Hisagi turned another page, making Renji tense again.
They all leaned closer to see Rukia in her rabbit costume.
"A bunny?" Hanatarou said.
"Ugh, Chappy," Ichigo said, from suddenly beside Renji on the couch.
Everyone turned to look at him.
"Who let you in?" Hisagi asked. "Shinigami only."
Ichigo pulled at his black robes. "Hey, I'm a temp. I knocked, but no one answered, so I came in." He held up a shopping bag. "I brought potato chips."
A mumble of disagreement went through the shinigami.
"Let him stay," Ukitake said. "He brought chips."
Hanatarou dashed out of the room to return with another bottle of saké for Ichigo.
"He's underage," Izuru said, hiccupping already.
"Not here he isn't," Shunsui said, nodding to Hanatarou. "Get yourself one, kid."
Hanatarou looked uncertain for a moment, and then went back out of the room and returned with a small bottle of saké and a smile.
"That's better," Ukitake said.
Hisagi frowned as Hanatarou cautiously took his first drink. "Don't get sick on my rug."
Hanatarou nodded, holding his breath and swallowing.
Hisagi looked back down at the photo of Rukia in Chappy-wear, and turned the page.
They all looked on, nodding at Rukia in her green cheongsam.
Ichigo scowled and reached for the stack of portfolios beneath the table. Zaraki slapped his hand.
"Ow!"
"We're going in order," the large man grumbled.
"Tatsuki was out first. Chad said so." Ichigo looked around at them all. "Kuukaku was out second, Hiyori third."
"We don't have their portfolios," Hitsugaya explained.
"Where's Orihime's?" Ichigo put a hand to the portfolios as Zaraki's eyes narrowed at him. He withdrew his hand.
"She's not out yet, remember?"
"Oh."
Hisagi turned the last page of Rukia's portfolio, bringing a gasp from half the men, a chuckle from the other half. Both Renji and Ichigo grabbed for the portfolio. Renji won.
Shunsui had seen enough to be disappointed. "That's lingerie in the Living World? Not very sexy."
Zaraki closed a meaty hand around the portfolio. "I didn't see."
Renji didn't surrender the binder. "It's not sexy. It's disturbing."
Zaraki tugged. "Now, Abarai."
Renji reluctantly set the portfolio on the table and allowed it to be opened. All looked on at Rukia in her black leather straps, whip in hand, thigh-high boots adding to her height. Even Kurotsuchi groaned in disillusion.
Ichigo snapped the portfolio shut, shoving it to Renji.
"Well, I guess we're not missing anything from the Living World in the lingerie department here in Soul Society," Shunsui said with a sigh. "Hey, where's your illustrious captain, Renji?"
"Getting his hair done
," Renji said, setting Rukia's portfolio beside the couch. "Not all the lingerie was like that. I think Rukia got the leftovers."
Hisagi placed the next portfolio on the table and opened it to see Yachiru in her Sweet Lolita dress, standing almost still.
"Oh, what a cute picture," Hanatarou said quickly with an ingratiating smile, taking a swig of saké.
"Very cute," Ukitake added.
"Like a little pink angel," Izuru said.
Zaraki looked to each of them. "'Course she's cute."
Shunsui nodded. "She'll be a gorgeous young lady someday."
Zaraki's attention jerked to him. "She's just a child."
Shunsui nodded, slugging down another third of his saké. "But she will grow up, you know. She won't stay little forever."
Hisagi looked to each of the men, and turned the page.
They all looked at Yachiru in the Sailor Mini Moon costume.
"Cute."
"Sweet."
"Adorable."
Zaraki nodded in agreement, glancing at Shunsui.
The man in the straw hat shrugged, grinning. "She's a real doll. It'll be hard to keep the guys off your stoop once she starts maturing."
"That won't be a worry for years to come," Zaraki said, eyes on the photo.
"No, but the time is a-coming," Shunsui said.
Ukitake shifted away from him on the couch.
"Of course, you'll probably only let her date prospects of her own caliber," Shunsui said, swishing the last of his saké in the bottom of the bottle. "A vice-captain, at least."
Zaraki sent a seething look around the table at the vice-captains.
Renji, Izuru, Hisagi, and Marechiyo grew uncomfortable.
Shunsui shrugged. "Or maybe a captain."
All eyes went to Hitsugaya, who was in the middle of a drink from his bottle. He gulped down the swallow.
"You sure you want to poke the bear?" Ukitake asked Shunsui lowly.
"Someone from your own Division," Shunsui said thoughtfully, ignoring Ukitake's caution, "or only someone who'd bested you in battle."
Everyone looked to Ichigo, who shook his head.
"I didn't say it," he said quickly as Zaraki trained a glare on him. Ichigo pointed to Shunsui. "He said it."
"Of course, there's lots of time yet," Shunsui said with a lazy smile. He nodded to Hisagi, who turned the portfolio page, hesitant at what photo was next.
"A pony," Hanatarou slurred, grinning from his half-finished bottle of saké. "I like ponies."
"Shut up," Zaraki snapped.
"Okay," Hanatarou said with a confused nod, eyes drooping.
"No lingerie with Yachiru?" Marechiyo asked as Hisagi turned the page to view Yachiru in her pink cheongsam and then the little German girl photo.
Zaraki was on his feet, one fist on Marechiyo's collar before anyone saw him move. "Listen here, you pervert, she's just a kid! What kind -"
"Hey, hey, an honest mistake," Shunsui said quickly, slowly standing, looking to Zaraki as the large captain nearly dangled Marechiyo from the floor. "I don't think he wanted to see her in her frillies."
"No. No. I don't want to," Marechiyo said hastily, nearly sputtering saké.
Zaraki lowered the vice-captain. "Better not."
Marechiyo brushed his collar straight, relieved. "I was only saying there was no photo."
Zaraki took his seat on the couch again. "She wasn't there. Tummy-ache."
"Oh," most of them said.
"Probably for the best," Ukitake said.
Zaraki nodded after a moment.
Renji looked to Hisagi. "Wasn't Ganju supposed to be here with some pictures?"
Hisagi nodded. "Yeah, was, but Battle Cat caught him snooping around the pool with the camera and nearly went bankai on him. He won't be coming by."
Marechiyo scratched himself. "Break out those chips, boy," he said to Ichigo.
"I'm not your boy," Ichigo spat back, but tossed a bag of snacks to the large man across the table.
Marechiyo caught it, crushing half the chips inside in his clutch, and ripped open the bag top.
Renji grabbed the second bag between him and Ichigo, reading the fanciful writing on the package. He frowned at the orange-haired guy. "Sour cream and onion flavor? You pansy."
Ichigo snatched the bag away. "Then don't eat 'em!"
"Next?" Hisagi asked.
Everyone around the table nodded, and he and set out the next portfolio, opening the first page to see Momo in her Shiro Lolita attire, a sweet smile on her face.
"Aw, how cute," Shunsui said as Hitsugaya leaned over the table, eclipsing Zaraki and Marechiyo's views.
Hitsugaya pulled the photo book closer, grinning, eyes widening until he remembered himself. He sat back, shrugging. "Of course she's cute." He turned the page.
Momo as Sailor Saturn, followed by the Butterfly photo.
"Ooh, pretty," Ukitake said.
"Very pretty," Izuru said with a smile and a nod, another hiccup catching his words.
Hisagi turned the page to see Momo in the light blue cheongsam, which was met by agreeable nods around the table, and then flipped the page to see the girl in her Little Bo Peep dress.
Hitsugaya pulled the portfolio closer, studying the photo as the others leaned over him.
"Little shepherd girl," Marechiyo said, burping loudly through a mouthful of chips. "All white and lacey. That's nice."
Hitsugaya elbowed him further away. "Stop breathing barbecue on me."
Marechiyo sat back, a greasy hand stuffed in the bag of chips.
Hitsugaya's fingers tapped the edge of the page, alternately scowling and smiling at the girl in the photo. "It's better than Rukia's."
Renji and Ichigo begrudgingly nodded.
Hitsugaya turned to the page to see Momo dressed as the colorful African doll. He grimaced, an expression shared by most of the others.
"Well, most of them were pretty," Shunsui said, shrugging.
Hitsugaya turned to the last page of the portfolio where Momo was engaged in a swordfight in the Boris Vallejo photo shoot.
"Ooh, Barbarian Queen," Izuru read, grinning as Hitsugaya angled the book so he could see the photo better. "She'd rip you up."
Shunsui leaned closer, pointing to where the shapely thigh, knee, and foot of Momo's attacker were visible. "Whose leg is that?"
"Rangiku," Renji and Hisagi said at the same time.
"No, it's not," Hitsugaya said, reddening.
"How do you know?" Ukitake asked him.
Hitsugaya looked back at the photo, eyes moving between Rangiku's leg and Momo in battle mode. "It's not."
Zaraki nodded. "It is."
Ichigo suddenly recalled something as Hitsugaya closed Momo's portfolio and Hisagi reached for another under the table. "Are all the photo books there?"
Zaraki glared at him. "The competition isn't over yet, Ryoka."
Ichigo grinned at him, chuckling. "Didn't you have two representatives from Division Eleven?"
Zaraki made a threatening noise deep in his throat.
Renji leaned closer to Ichigo. "Don't poke the bear, fool."
Ichigo downed the last half of his saké, which was starting to catch up with him, judging from the amount of non-scowling he was doing.
Hanatarou got uneasily to his feet and fetched another load of saké for everyone, then collapsed to his knees near Izuru.
Hisagi opened the next portfolio.
"Hey, that's Captain," Marechiyo said through a mouth thick with barbeque-flavored chips. An ill look crossed his face, making it sag more than usual. "Maybe we shouldn't look at it."
"You had no reservations with the other photos," Kurotsuchi noted, leaning over his shoulder, making the pudgy man shy away. "She's fair game as much as the rest of them."
Hisagi glanced from Kurotsuchi to Marechiyo to Ukitake, who was visibly half-drunk and nearing the second half. He looked to Hanatarou. "You actually chanced going into Second Division for her portfolio?"
Hanatarou
grinned goofily and nodded too many times, and said something none of them could understand.
Zaraki belched. "Gutsy and stupid."
Hisagi shook his head and passed off Hanatarou's incoherent explanation. He opened the portfolio to see Soifon in her Lolita outfit, the taunt look on her face severely out of place as she posed for the camera.
"Why is she dressed like a schoolgirl?" Marechiyo asked.
Izuru leaned heavily across the table to attempt reading the caption. "It says she's Sailor Lolita."
"Oh," Marechiyo added.
"It's softer than she usually is," Shunsui said with a sigh.
"Captain is pretty," Marechiyo said defensively, emboldened by the saké. "She's just mean. Still pretty."
Hisagi flipped the page to see Sailor Mars, which brought a few shrugs and nominal "okays" from the other men. He turned the page.
"A panda?" Hanatarou blurted.
"Animal Instincts Challenge," Ichigo read, frowning. "What else?"
The next page was turned to see Soifon in her deep purple cheongsam, followed by her schoolgirl lingerie photo.
"What's up with the schoolgirl outfits?" Ukitake wondered as Hisagi turned the next page to Soifon dressed as a Mexican doll.
"Schoolgirl is about as far away as you can get from Captain Soifon," Zaraki said, watching the next photo flip.
"Agh!" Marechiyo nearly dropped his bag of chips at Soifon's photo as a vampire appeared. "Banshee!"
"It says vampire," Hisagi said, reaching for his neglected saké. "Yeah, she'd take a bite out of you." He flipped the page, surprised to see Soifon running the lemon flavored Chapstick across her lips, himself looking on in the background.
Zaraki's hand shot out and grabbed the portfolio before anyone could say anything. "What the hell are you doing there, Hisagi?"
All eyes turned to their host as he blinked quickly, not knowing whether to grin or make a break for it. "They needed male models."
"Why you?" Zaraki demanded as Ukitake and Izuru began a contagious chuckle that rippled through the others.
"Ray asked." Hisagi scowled at Renji, who laughed and slapped Ichigo on the back, nearly making the guy spit out his chips. "I wasn't the only one."
"Who else?" Shunsui and Kurotsuchi asked at the same time.
Hisagi held Zaraki's belittling stare. "Others."
"How long were you there?" Zaraki growled.
Hisagi cleared his throat. "Just the one photo shoot."
"And just Captain Soifon?"
Hisagi's grin escaped him. "No, Rangiku, too. And Yoruichi."
Kurotsuchi's attention bit into Hisagi. "Not Nemu?"
"No, sir."
Kurotsuchi nodded.
"Why you?" Renji wanted to know, finishing his saké. "Why not the rest of us?"
"There were others," Hisagi said, itching to turn the page.
"Who else?" Ichigo asked.
"Madarame," Hisagi said, watching Zaraki's focus narrow in on him. "Kensei."
"That's it?" Zaraki asked.
Hisagi nodded. "Yes, sir."
"Hmm."
Silence fell over the room as they all looked at Soifon's last photo.
"Next," Zaraki said.
Hisagi stuck the photo book under the table when no one reached for it.
Another portfolio, another round of saké brought in by a wobbly Hanatarou. He managed to drop a bottle into everyone's lap before crawling behind one of the couches and falling into an unconscious heap.
"Last one," Hisagi said, finishing off his saké with one hand while flipping open the portfolio with the other.
Nanao as Wa Lolita.
The men all nodded at the somewhat shapeless dress style.
"Not bad," Shunsui said. "The dress does nothing for her."
Hisagi turned the page to Nanao as Sailor Mercury.
"Pretty in blue," Ukitake mumbled, leaning one elbow on the couch, resting his temple in his hand, trying to stay awake.
Shunsui sat closer to the table. "Of course she is." He turned the portfolio to face him and moved on to the next page.
Nanao as a zebra. Shunsui frowned. "Don't like it. Why a zebra?"
"It's okay," Marechiyo said, slouching farther into his seat, face relaxed nearly to the point of sleep.
Shunsui waved him off and turned a few pages.
Nanao in her black and pink cheongsam, and then on the bed in her naughty secretary negligee.
Shunsui smiled, pulling the portfolio closer before anyone else could get a good look at it.
"You've got to share," Zaraki said. "That's a rule."
"We only had one rule, and Renji made that," Shunsui said, but eased the photo book back onto the table.
All eyes moved over Nanao's kneeling form as she pulled the pencils from her bed, giving the camera a flirty look, her blouse open and short skirt high on her thighs.
"It's ... tasteful," Kurotsuchi said, suppressing a chuckle.
"It's short," Renji said, elbowing Ichigo as the younger guy leaned on him, who smiled glibly on the verge of passing out.
Shunsui's study of the photo was interrupted by Hitsugaya's hiccup. They all looked to him to see the youngest captain tucked into the corner of his chair, sleeping.
Ichigo slid to the floor, leaning against the couch.
Shunsui scratched his stubbly cheek. "Just as I imagined," he mumbled, grinning at the photo.
He flipped the page.
Nanao as a French girl, then as Hatchett.
He frowned at the next photo, where Nanao was forcibly smiling into the camera, Chapstick in hand, Kensei on the snowmobile behind her.
"Not bad," he decided.
"She didn't want to do that shoot," Hisagi added helpfully.
"Hmm." Shunsui turned to page to see Nanao in full warrior garb, and then the next page where she was leaned to the rock in her teal swimsuit. He grinned at her low-key smile, sighing.
"Those were good," Renji said. "We haven't seen the samurai ones before."
"Nor the swimsuit," Kurotsuchi added. He looked to Hisagi. "That's two new photo shoots? Are we missing a portfolio?"
Shunsui closed Nanao's photo book and sat back on the couch with it in his lap, looking to his empty bottle. "I need a refill."
"Hanatarou's out," Hisagi said.
So were Hitsugaya, Ukitake, Izuru, Marechiyo, and Ichigo, who was now sleeping in a pile on the floor beside the couch half under the table.
Hisagi sighed and got to his feet. "Anyone else want anything?"
Everyone raised a hand. Hisagi left the room.
Kurotsuchi was calculating. "We didn't see any samurai or swimsuit photos of the other contestants. Someone was out that week."
Shunsui yawned. "It wasn't a swimsuit shoot. It was textures. I know. I judged it."
"Who else was out?" Kurotsuchi asked, looking to Renji, and then Hisagi as he returned with his arms full of saké bottles.
Renji and Hisagi exchanged looks, neither daring to look at Zaraki.
Kurotsuchi was holding Zaraki's stare. "Which photo shoot did you judge?"
Zaraki pulled the cork from his fourth bottle, looking shrewdly around at the remaining men still conscious.
Shunsui, Kurotsuchi, Hisagi, Renji.
Zaraki knew they were nearly at their sake' limits. "Let's discuss that over the next bottle."