"And did you find you could love her?"
"Yes. I was wrong to crucify her on my standards, which were not hers. I have to accept her for what she is, not what I think she should be. That applies also to her dolor."
"This is another term we lack."
"It means sadness, sorrow, grief. She is a vessel of dolor, and that makes our relationship difficult."
"Why so? Many people are sad on occasion."
"She is more than sad. She is depressive. When left to herself, she does not wish to live. I require a vessel of joy for my employment. But that becomes complicated to explain."
"I should like to listen to the explanation, at such time as you wish to give it. But I suspect it is not immediately relevant. Something else perhaps is. You do love her, as she is."
"I do love her," he agreed. "And she loves me."
"This relates to my commitment of the chain. You love her, and therefore accept her. She loves you, and therefore will abide by your standard when there is a conflict. You partake of each other in a way you did not before. She has become trustworthy when you are integral to the agreement, but you will not make an agreement she detests. I studied you as a prospective master as carefully as I could. In the course of that effort, I came to love you."
"You what?"
She raised her hands, which were fully human and attractively dainty. "This confers no obligation on you, Darius. You may ignore it, except to this degree: my commitment to keep your secret, whatever it may be, is not lightly given. We have only recently met, but I know you better than any human man I have encountered before. I long to take your chain, for it binds me to you. This, I know, is all I can ever expect to have of your emotion."
Darius was solidly set back, if not actually stunned. "Doe, I don't know what to say. I had no suspicion of this."
"Nor need you take any note of it. Except to understand that the chain I take from you is not casually accepted. I love you, and will do your will absolutely, whatever it may be. Now, with that understanding, you may bind me with it."
Darius hesitated. "I understood that there was to be no effort to seduce me."
"That is true for Pussy, who is at this time part of the lead trio. We Caprines were to be the lead, but Goat's injury makes us secondary until it heals. Therefore the stricture was applied to her rather than to me. She is unable to love you; I am able." She paused briefly. "But I would not do anything counter to your interest. I will not try to seduce you unless you ask me to."
"I ask you not to."
She nodded. "But I will take your chain."
There were aspects of the nulls he had not before appreciated. But he liked this candid creature, and wanted her to understand his position. So he looked for something to make a chain.
All he found was a small box of paper clips that must have come from Colene's Mode. Colene must have put them in his pocket, and he hadn't noticed. There seemed to be no paper in this super-science, super-primitive Mode, so no use for paper clips. He brought them out and hooked them together, one by one, making a circular chain. He gave it to Doe.
She put the loop over her head. "I accept your chain," she said, gazing into his eyes. "Whatever you tell me that is secret will remain so, until you release me from the chain." She looked away, then her eyes returned to his face. "May I kiss you? It is the custom, though not required."
What harm was there in it? "You may."
She stepped into him, embraced him closely, and put her mouth to his. She kissed him neatly, efficiently, and with surprising passion. Then, as neatly, she broke it off and turned away, blushing through the light fur of her neck.
Darius resumed walking, trying to shake off the formidable impact of her kiss. It wasn't just her mouth; her full breasts and soft belly had pressed against him, and her thighs. She was very much a woman in almost every part. Even her hoofs were dainty and clean. None of this was surprising, as the female nulls had been designed for sexual aptitude; but he had been taken by surprise by the force of her allure. Her emerging personality enhanced her appeal.
"I apologize for being too forward," Doe said, pacing him again. "I should have made the kiss chaste."
"It's all right," he said. Now he was aware of the manner in which her fine breasts quivered with her steps.
"You may tell me your secret now."
He had almost forgotten what had started this. "You doubt that Colene could have persuaded the dragon to give up its traditional prey. She was able to do this because she has an ability not known elsewhere in the Mode: telepathy."
"The horse!" she said. "It wasn't just the horse?"
"It wasn't just the horse," he agreed. "It started with Seqiro, but Colene learned it from him. From constant association with him. Her mind was constantly bathed in his mind, because he enabled her to understand other languages, even other alien thoughts."
"In the DoOon Mode horses are relatively unintelligent animals, unless enhanced as nulls. That was why we were deceived."
"Seqiro has horse sense, not human sense. But he draws from the human mind he is with. So he gave Colene telepathy, and she gave him a human mind, while they associated. But she was able to learn some of it, to use when apart from him. Her ability is only a shadow of his, but it is enough for her to read human and null minds in her immediate vicinity, and to share her mind with the dragon when she touched it. Such contact is persuasive; I felt it when Seqiro shared my mind. There is no doubt, no deception. When she merged minds with the dragon, it had to believe her. This is what brought the change. Colene did it."
"Human telepathy," Doe murmured. "We never suspected. But if she could read null minds—"
"You had no secrets from her," Darius finished. "We knew that you knew our language. Pussy gave that away when she saw what was happening with the dragon. The Felines don't yet know about the telepathy. That is the secret."
"I will keep it. But the Felines will not be deceived long. They have studied you too well, as we Caprines have."
Darius shrugged. "That is up to them, and Colene. It is not my place to reveal it."
"I understand."
"Thank you." It was an odd relief to have shared it. "So now perhaps you can believe that the dragon has changed, and probably the other dragons will change similarly, as the news spreads."
"Yes, now I can believe it."
"Of course Colene will know that I told you. But she will also know that I required your silence."
Dusk was coming. "We can if you wish continue to walk in the night," Doe said. "But though I can still smell the path, I am not adept in darkness."
"We should make camp," he agreed. "And find something to eat. The dragon stopped by a lake with fruit trees, on the way over, but we aren't that far along yet."
"I can find such things," Doe said, sniffing the air. "This way."
He followed her through the darkening forest, and soon they came to a river. Sure enough, there were fruit trees there. They ate, and separated briefly for natural functions, then came together again. "I can make a lean-to of branches and foliage," he said.
"I will find ferns for a blanket."
He wasn't sure how that would work, but set about cutting branches. In due course he had a small but serviceable structure. Doe returned with a pile of large ferns, which she then expertly wove into an equally serviceable blanket. "This and my body will keep you warm."
"I'm not sure that is appropriate."
"It is not sensible to sleep separately, when we can be more comfortable together."
"But you are a lovely woman. I need to keep my distance from you."
She looked at him in the near darkness. "While I am not able to refuse your interest, either formally or by desire, I know that this is not your intent. You have told me. I will, as you put it, behave."
"My concern is that I may not behave."
"And this would be improper, according to your agreement with Colene," she agreed. She squatted, and he saw that her feet were not really hoofs, but hu
man with virtually merged toes and heavy hooflike nails. Now that he thought of it, he realized that it would have been difficult for her to maintain her balance walking upright in the human manner, without the human heel and toe. But her feet seemed dainty rather than malformed. "Is there then some way we can share warmth without my body tempting yours?"
Above her feet, in her present position, were her muscular but well fleshed thighs. In this light he could see their form but not their fur. The sexual suggestion was maddening. "Well, you could don a diaper."
"That term is not in—"
He interrupted to explain the concept. She smiled, her teeth white in the darkness, and used more ferns to fashion a formidable diaper. She donned it, and his burgeoning desire faded.
They crawled into the lean-to and shared the blanket. It was surprisingly soft and tight; Doe clearly knew what she was doing. She curled up, animal fashion, and he curled around her warm body, wearing his clothing. He tried to relax.
"Am I interfering with your sleep?" she inquired.
"No, it's not you. It's me."
"Normally my master has his will of me, then sleeps. If you are accustomed to similar with your wife, our present situation represents a disturbance in your ritual. I do not know how to abate this aspect."
"It's not that," he said, dismayed.
"I am a fully female creature. I think the diaper does not sufficiently nullify that."
A fully female creature? That was a serious understatement! He had thought Pussy to be sexy, but this Caprine was more than her match in that respect. "Doe, you are if anything too willing to accept blame."
"Of course. A master is never at fault."
That set him back again. "In my culture that is not the case. Fault is determined by the situation, not the status of the participants. Certainly in this case there is no fault in you. I would be lying awake were I alone."
"It is my obligation to assist you in any way I can. If you are sleepless, it is my failure."
"No!"
She was silent, and he was immediately sorry for his outburst. "Doe, I apologize. I did not mean to hurt you."
"Darius, you did not hurt me. But you may do that, if that brings you relief." She uncurled, and the process brought her full breast under his hand. "Do what you need to."
He withdrew his hand. "I take no pleasure in hurting women. I have done enough of that to last me forever."
"I do not wish to inquire into what does not concern me, but if you should care to talk about this, I would care to listen."
He laughed without humor. "Is this your way of saying that you are obliged to listen to whatever I may say, but in this case you happen to be interested?"
"Yes."
"Then I will tell you how I hurt women. In my home Mode I am a Cyng of Hlahtar, which loosely translates to 'King of Laughter,' but it is no laughing matter. I do bring joy to the multitudes, so that their dolor is ameliorated. But because I lack sufficient joy in myself to do this without ultimately destroying myself, I must take a wife for a year and draw on her joy. I magnify it a thousandfold and send it to all the people around us, including her, but her restored level is less than it was originally. In time her level is too low, and I must divorce her and seek another. This is painful, even if I do not love her. I must leave her depleted, to recover alone, and that may take the rest of her life. It was to escape this necessity that I sought for a wife in another Mode, hoping to find one whose resources of joy were such that she would not be depleted by my action, and I could afford to love her and remain with her for life." He paused. "But I think I have said too much for you to understand, as this is no part of your culture or your Mode. I apolo—"
"Never apologize to a null," she said quickly. "I do understand to a degree, for I have studied you, and relate well to your concerns. But it is true that I have difficulty with the concept. You are saying that you can take the joy from a woman, and leave her sad?"
"Yes. Of course I return most of it immediately, but it can never be as much as she started with. We travel from village to village, delivering joy, but at her expense. I think there is no worse cruelty than this."
"I want very much not to seem to doubt you, but—"
"Were this my own Mode, I could demonstrate. But my kind of magic is not operative here."
"Perhaps if you could do with me what you do with women there, I would be better able to understand, even if the magical effect is absent."
"I can try," he agreed. "I can go through the motions. First I must embrace you."
She turned in place and lay facing him. He brought her in to himself. Again he was aware of her extreme femininity; he had never before embraced such an embraceable woman. Then he invoked his power and drew her joy from her—and felt a trace of the effect. It was after all working here, to a degree. He broadcast, and returned it to her. Then he nudged away from her, physically.
"Oh, Darius," she whispered. "I thought I would die."
"I did not think it would work in this Mode, but there was a slight manifestation of my power."
"Slight! You drained me of all delight, and had you not returned it, I would have drowned myself to abate the horror of my existence."
Apparently his impact had been greater than it seemed to him. "This is the nature of it. I will not do it again."
"Darius, I have no right to ask, but if you would be so kind as to—to—"
"To comfort you," he said. He had of course encountered this reaction before. He moved back and hugged her, stroking her hair. Her face was wet with her tears. "I am sorry, Doe. I thought it would not work at all. Had I realized, I would not have done it."
"No, I thank you for doing it. Now I do understand. I simply was unprepared." She spoke sensibly, but her tears continued and her body was shuddering.
"Of course. It is a terrible moment. And it is continuingly terrible for the women I marry. Yet when I sought elsewhere—" He broke off.
"If you wish to say it, I wish to hear it."
Surely true. She was recovering from the dreadful shock of his demonstration, but still needed context. Understanding helped a person to handle it. "I thought I had found a vessel of special joy, in Colene, but was mistaken. She is instead a vessel of dolor, generating grief instead of joy, the opposite of what I need. Yet I love her, and can not give her up. So it is my hope to compromise, to find another woman to draw from, so that I can be with Colene, as I am unable to be now."
"But at least you can enjoy her body."
"No. I can't. Because—"
Doe was silent, but he knew she still wanted to hear. Did he have the right to tell? "The chain you took—the paper clips—may I add to the secret?"
"Yes. Everything you ask me to hide is covered by the chain."
"Then this is added. I do not have sex with Colene. I thought at first it was because she was too young for it, by the standard of her culture, but later we married, changing the definition. Then I discovered the real reason. It is because she was raped before I met her, and is unable to accept with pleasure what was forced on her. So I am not accustomed to this form of activity with her, and we normally sleep much as you and I are doing now, touching but without sex. So you see, you are not disruptive in this manner."
"I am glad of that. But saddened by what you have told me. I did not suspect."
"It was not your business, no offense."
"You can't offend a null."
"I don't want a null, I want a person!"
She paused just a moment. "I will try to do better."
"Oh, I'm sorry again. I seem to have my own hang-up on this subject. What could you know of rape?"
"I do know of rape, Darius."
Again, his interest quickened. "Oh? I presume you don't mean that a master used you harshly."
"I will explain if you wish. Perhaps my experience is relevant."
"Yes, I wish—if you wish."
"My own wish has no—"
"Stop doing that!"
"I apologize f
or—"
"And that!"
Again, that small pause. "Is it permitted to request the same of you?"
"I'll try to stop yelling at you, yes. It is unfair."
"I mean the apologies. They put me in an awkward position."
Once again, she had set him back. "I am a person. You are a person. We shall neither yell nor apologize to each other."
"Yes, Darius. I was made and grew to adulthood here in Chains, in the manner of all nulls. I was thrilled to be chosen for select service to the emperor on the capital planet. There I learned of the advanced science that had before been merely theory and story to me. To serve on space ships, to use translator balls, to see far planets—everything was a wonder to me. But one day when I was on an errand for the master to whom my trio was assigned, a boar waylaid me. I knew I was not supposed to give myself sexually to any but my master, and tried to avoid him, but the Swine hauled me into a private chamber and had his will of me even as I fought him. He simply hit me in the face until in the distraction of my pain I let my legs loosen, and then he completed himself at his leisure. Then he let me go, squealing with laughter. I was appalled and ashamed, for not only had I betrayed my master, I knew I could not report the boar, because the Swine are favored of the emperor. All I could do was bring blame upon myself, and on my trio, for my carelessness in allowing myself to be caught."
"You do know about rape," Darius agreed. "It was like this with Colene, only it was not a single man, but four who did it. She did not dare even fight—and blamed herself for that, too."
"This is the way of it," she agreed. "I stumbled back home to Goat and Buck, in great—you call it dolor. Buck of course was angry, but Goat was sensible. It cleaned me up and applied medication, and I was soon mended, physically. It comforted me and told me to forgive the assault, not because the Swine was worthy, but because it was the only way for me to recover my equilibrium. I tried, but couldn't do it. I was afraid the master would realize, but fortunately he was inattentive and used me without noticing my fear. It was—I lack the term in your language. An invisible creature that clings to one, bearing her down, emotionally."