Man, what’s up with this guy? He acts like there’s no chance I’m okay, I thought. “Thank you, I guess,” I muttered, not sure what to say.
“I’m waiting for the last of those pictures to come in. Then I’ll come talk with you some more and we can start discussing some options, okay? I’ll be right back.”
I sat in the small, windowless room after he left thinking about how negative he’d sounded. But, he acted like he truly cared about my career and me. My mind was a jumble of mixed emotions.
He reappeared a short time later, looking grim.
“Well?” I demanded, my patience wearing thin.
“Chase, there’s some serious damage in your knee.” He paused, seeming hesitant to continue. “Honestly, most athletes don’t recover from an injury like this.”
I was shaking my head before he even finished. “No. You must have the wrong images, sir,” I said softly, but sternly. There was no way he was right. Yes, I was injured, but not with a career-ending injury.
“You have a tibia plateau fracture and torn inner and outer meniscuses,” he continued on, as if I knew what that meant.
“Explain—I don’t understand.” I demanded, my frustration racing quickly to the surface.
“The top of your shin bone has been broken. And the cushion that keeps the bone in your thigh from hitting the bone in your lower leg has been blown out.”
I gave a wry laugh. “This isn’t possible. Do you understand? I just took a step backward in the grass and it gave out. I wasn’t tackled; I didn’t twist weird, or fall hard. How can it be broken and blown out like that?” This made absolutely no sense.
He didn’t say anything more, just continued to stare at me with his sympathetic expression.
“Well, can’t you fix it? You’re a doctor . . . fix it!” I said, my question turning into a plea. This couldn’t be it—my promising career couldn’t end this way.
“We can operate, but you need to understand there is a high risk it will just become reinjured if you play again. This is major surgery, and ninety percent of the patients who have it end up getting arthritis in the knee.”
I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t find the words to say. My heart felt as if it’d been torn out of my chest, and dashed to the ground—after all I’d done to carefully sew it back in since Nikki’s death.
“When can I have the surgery?” That was all that I could think of. If I needed to have it, then I was going to get it done as soon as possible.
Dr. Price glanced down at my chart. “I can fit you in this Thursday if you’d like. That’s the soonest I can do it.”
“Okay, that works for me. Set it up.” My mind was whirling with a thousand thoughts all at once, yet I seemed unable to concentrate on any one of them. Everything was a blur.
The nurse came and got me, leading me out to the front desk to fill out the paperwork for my surgery and get fitted into a temporary leg brace.
“Have a great day,” she said with a wide flirtatious smile when we were finished.
I successfully resisted the urge to slap it off her face or flip her off with my ring finger. Was she blind, or could she not see I was married? And who says, “Have a nice day” to someone after giving them news like this? Even if I were single, I would not be in a flirtatious mood at this point.
I gimped out to my truck; all the while feeling like my world had turned completely upside down. I couldn’t see clearly. Did this doctor really want to help me? Was he just blowing smoke and trying to get money? I felt so lost.
Thoughts of Nikki and the past plagued me as I drove home. I remembered how badly I’d wanted her, how hard I’d worked to have her—to make her fall for me. And then she was gone . . . slipped right through my fingers.
What if the same was happening to me now? What if I’d played my last down? How could I manage to make Brittney happy if I wasn’t the Chase Walker she’d fallen in love with? I couldn’t lose her too.
Why did it seem like my whole world was crashing down on me? Maybe I wasn’t meant to fall in love . . . with football, with Nikki, or Brittney.
Chapter Four
“Talk to me, Chase,” Brittney said, as she slid into bed beside me and wrapped her arm around me. I was currently studying the ceiling in the glow of the low lamplight, a billion thoughts running through my head.
I glanced at her pretty face; it was full of concern and pity. I didn’t want to see those emotions there. It was my job to take care of her, not add to her burdens. I needed to protect her.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I stroked my hand over her blonde hair glowing like a halo in the light. She looked almost angelic.
Her expression hardened a bit as she pressed her lips into a firm line. She stared at me for a moment. “Don’t give me that bull. I know you’re struggling with this and I want to help.”
A frustrated chuckle escaped me. “Help me how? There’s nothing you can do.”
“I know I can’t change what’s happened to you, but it might help if you talked about it and let some of your emotion out.” She studied me for a moment. “You just seem so closed off right now. I don’t know how to reach you.”
I shrugged. “There isn’t anything to say, Britt. My leg is busted up. I may or may not recover from it. I get no choice in the matter. It’s the hand that fate has dealt me and I get to deal with it, whether I want to or not. It doesn’t matter that it’s completely turned our lives upside down, there’s no way out of it. Talking about it isn’t going to change a thing.”
She glanced away from me, but not before I saw the disappointment shining in her eyes. It made my heart feel like it was being squeezed in a vise. I wasn’t good enough for her anymore, and she knew it. This wasn’t what she’d signed on for.
I wanted to reassure her, to tell her I was okay and that everything was going to work out for the best. But, the truth was, I couldn’t say something I didn’t believe. I was damaged goods now. I knew she was seeing the dreams and hopes for our future together slipping away, just like I was.
Football was what I knew. I was an athlete. It had been my identity for my entire life. I didn’t know how to be anything else. Yes, I’d gone to school and got my Bachelor’s Degree in General Studies. I’d taken a few classes that could go toward a Sports Medicine Degree, as electives, but never thought it would be something I would need myself. I’d planned on playing until I couldn’t play anymore, and then falling back on my education to get me through the years beyond that. I never even considered that my career might be over at this stage.
Brittney patted my chest, drawing my attention back to her. “Just try to stay positive, Chase. We have no idea how things might turn out. I’m here for you if you decide you want to talk.” She rolled away from me and snuggled into her pillow. I stared at her back where the silk strands of her nightgown crisscrossed against her skin. I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. I wanted to kiss her and make love to her, but I couldn’t even do that—with my knee like it was. My hands balled into fists, clenching until my nails were digging into my skin. She might as well be married to a complete invalid. I was good for nothing.
I reached over and snapped out the light. Shifting around in the dark I tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in, but it was nearly impossible with this stupid brace on my knee. I wasn’t sure how long I’d lain there, trying to get comfortable, before I finally decided to get up. Every time I’d move, Brittney would let out little moans in her sleep. I knew I was disturbing her rest.
Reaching out in the dark, I felt for the crutches I’d left beside the nightstand. I grabbed them and moved as noiselessly as I could to my feet. I went into the living room and lay down on the couch before flipping on the television with the remote. I naturally gravitated to the sports channels and found the Fiesta Bowl I’d recently played in on an overnight replay. I couldn’t click away, taking the opportunity to see the game from a spectator’s perspective. I watched every mov
e I made, recalling precisely how the ball had felt in my hands during those intense moments. I’d never felt more alive than when I’d played in that game. Everything was sharp and clear to me. I was in complete control. It was quite possibly the best game I’d ever played in my life. Now, I was watching, wondering if it had been my last.
I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until I woke to Brittney shaking my shoulder, the morning sun seeping through the slats of the closed blinds behind her. “How long have you been out here?” she asked, that damn concerned look still plastered to her face.
“All night,” I mumbled as I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “I couldn’t get comfortable and I knew it was disturbing you, so I left so you could rest.” My gaze settled on the television that was now playing the morning sports news show.
“I don’t want you to sleep on the couch. You need your rest right now to heal properly. If you’re bothering me, I’ll get up and leave. You stay put.” She glanced over at the large clock hanging over the gas fireplace. “You need to get showered. We have to have you to the surgical suite in an hour. Do you need me to help you?”
“I think I can manage to take a shower on my own.” I had to struggle to not snap at her. She was honestly trying to be helpful, but it made me feel like a friggin’ cripple.
“I laid some clothes out on the bed for you too.”
Gritting my teeth, I chose not to reply to that helpful remark at all, fearing my attitude might reduce her to tears by the time I was finished speaking my mind.
My mood wasn’t much improved when I returned to the living room.
She glanced at me with a smile. “You look nice. How are you feeling?”
‘Well, I’m alive,” I grumbled, feeling guilty for pushing her away. Why was I running from the best thing I currently had in my life?
“You all ready for this surgery?” She was trying to be upbeat, but I could still detect that slight tremor in her voice she got whenever she was nervous about something.
“Ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s go, babe.” I just wanted to get this done with.
I stared blankly out the window as she drove, not really seeing what was out there and wondering what surgery would be like. I’d never had one before, having been pretty healthy most of my life. I could barely recall any doctor’s visits for illnesses or anything. This whole medical thing was completely foreign to me.
All too soon, we arrived at our destination. Brittney pulled the car up under the canopy by the front doors, so I wouldn’t have far to walk. “I’ll go park and meet you inside in just a minute.”
“Can I ask a favor?” I blurted out.
She looked surprised. “Of course you can.”
“Don’t come in with me.”
A hurt look crossed her face and I thought I saw tears well in her eyes before she glanced at the steering wheel—her knuckles were white as she gripped it.
I placed my hand on her leg and lightly squeezed, trying to soften the blow. “I just need to do this by myself, Britt. I’m sorry.”
“I want to be there for you,” she said, still refusing to look at me.
“Babe, I appreciate that. I really do. I know I’m not explaining myself very well these days, but I need to do this on my own. Okay?”
She didn’t reply, but nodded once.
“I’ll have someone call you as soon as I’m done and give you a report. Does that sound good?”
She nodded again. “I’ll be back to pick you up when you’re ready then.” She finally faced me. “Tell them I said to please be careful with you.”
I smiled. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”
She dropped a hand to mine, squeezing it lightly. “I love you, Chase. See you later.”
“I love you too.” I leaned over and gave her a light peck against the cheek, before grabbing my crutches and getting out. I watched her drive away before I went inside. I knew she wasn’t happy with me, but I couldn’t explain to her how important it was for me to still feel like I could do things on my own, not like I was being coddled like a small child.
After I got checked in, the receptionist instructed me to sit in the waiting room until someone from the surgical team came to get me. There wasn’t anyone else there and I was glad to have the place to myself. Everything seemed distant as I stared absently at the large Tuscan inspired paintings that hung on the burnt orange walls. In the far corner was a large aquarium with many bright colored tropical fish. I watched them for what seemed like hours, occasionally finding myself dozing off. I was beginning to wonder if they’d completely forgotten about me when I heard a door open.
“Chase Walker?” a female voice said and I opened my eyes a crack to find a beautiful woman with long black hair standing there with a clipboard.
“Yes?” I replied, sitting straighter.
“Follow me, please,” she stated with a smile and gave a nod with her head in the direction of the hallway behind her.
I dutifully did as she asked, trying to smoothly guide my crutches through the door as she held it open for me. When she hurried to step in front of me, I couldn’t help but wonder why a girl as pretty as she was wasn’t in movies or a model. Her figure was perfect, round in all the right places, and her high heels accentuated the muscle tone in her long, dark cream colored legs that showed beneath her short skirt. It was hard not to stare.
“My name is Selena, by the way. I’m the Patient Care Coordinator. How are you feeling today, Mr. Walker?” she asked, her voice soft and sweet as we moved along together, passing through another door that was marked Pre-Op.
“I’m hanging in there. How about you?”
“Are you married?” she asked without hesitation, not even bothering to answer my question. She turned to stare into my eyes and I felt my face get hot with the connection.
“Yes, I am,” I managed to choke out.
“That’s a shame,” she replied, and then gave a little laugh as if she couldn’t quite believe she’d said that out loud. “She must be a beautiful woman to have nabbed a sexy guy like you.” She was totally hitting on me and there was nothing I could do back.
“Yes, my wife is gorgeous,” I said, trying to think of what else to say that would show her the depth of my feeling for Brittney and how much I truly loved her. But I couldn’t think of anything. She held my gaze for several moments.
“I’m sure she’s wonderful,” she finally spoke, an obvious tone of disappointment in her voice. She mustered up a smile. “The anesthesiologist will be in shortly to get you set up. In the meantime, please change out of all your clothes into the gown we have here, on the bed.” She walked by me and pulled the curtain around the bed on its little track. As she did so, I caught the scent of her perfume and I couldn’t help inhaling it, deeply. It was the same as Nikki’s. I’d recognize it anywhere.
“It was nice meeting you,” I said, trying to make her stay a split second longer. “Have a wonderful day.” I must be going crazy. She gave me the same butterflies I used to feel whenever I caught the scent of Nikki next to me.
Selena smiled brightly. “Thank you. Good luck with your surgery, Mr. Walker.”
I slumped back against the bed as soon as she left, hanging my head in defeat. What the hell had just happened? And why was everything suddenly coming back to Nikki? I thought I’d been through this stage already, but it seemed like everything was just getting harder and harder lately.
I quickly changed into my hospital gown and lay on the bed as I’d been instructed. The anesthesiologist entered the room with another nurse and I tried to focus as he asked me pertinent questions about my medical history as the nurse began an I.V. on me. It wasn’t long before I was being wheeled into the surgical suite and shifted over to another table. I stared at the bright lights over my head thinking of Brittney and how much I loved her. I needed to try harder. I couldn’t mess things up with her.
A mask was placed over my face. “Chase, I’m going to give you some medicine, now,” the anesthesiologist said. “You’ll
be fine and will probably start to . . .” I lost track of the rest of his words as I slipped into unconsciousness.
Chapter Five
It was a warm summer day and our black jerseys made it feel even hotter. I glanced around at the other kids who made up my team. We were the undefeated Wayside Raiders, and although this was only peewee football, it was something my town took pretty seriously. The windows of the cars in the parking lot were painted with numbers and comments like “Go Team” as parents came to support their sons who were playing or daughters who were cheering.
I’d hardly been able to sleep the past two nights—I was so excited for this game. We were playing the Wickenburg Thunder, a team that was also undefeated. I was so pumped to play, knowing all my relatives were coming out to support me. This was my first chance to win a championship, and there was no way we were going to lose if I had anything to say about it.
With my Gatorade in hand, I walked toward the field. The grass was bright green, almost seeming brighter than I’d ever seen it. The drink was part of my game day ritual—drink half before the game and half of it at halftime. I quickly guzzled the first half before setting it on the sideline table and heading out to warm up.
As we ran through some drills, I had the feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I glanced around, but nothing seemed out of place, so I shook it off.
The referees came out onto the field and my coach called the team captains out to do the coin toss. We all watched in anticipation as the quarter was flipped into the air. The ref caught it and revealed it to everyone. Heads up. We’d won the call. It had to be a sign. Today was going to be a great day!
I ran back to join the mob of my teammates jumping and hitting each other as we pumped ourselves up. I glanced to the stands and saw Amy Stackhouse sitting there watching me. She was the cutest girl in school. We liked each other, but wouldn’t admit it. She’d been my first kiss in third grade, after a triple dog dare that had happened in front of half the school. I briefly thought about the note she’d slipped me yesterday, wishing me good luck today and telling me that if we won, she would have a special surprise for me. I wanted to know what that surprise was.