_An honest plaine meaning man, (simply and conscionably) reprehendedthe malignity, hypocrisie, and misdemeanour of many Religious persons._
The sixt Novell.
_Declaring, that in few, discreete, and well placed words, the coveredcraft of Church-men may be justly reproved, and their hypocrisiehonestly discovered._
Madam _?milia_ sitting next to the gentle Lady _Fiammetta_, perceivingthe modest chastisement, which the vertuous Lady Marquesse had given tothe King of _France_, was generally graced by the whole Assembly; began(after the Queene had thereto appointed her) in these words. Nor willI conceale the deserved reprehension, which an honest simple lay-man,gave to a covetous holy Father, in very few words; yet more to becommended, then derided.
Not long since (worthy Ladies) there dwelt in our owne native City, aFriar Minor, an Inquisitor after matters of Faith, who, although helaboured greatly to seeme a sanctified man, and an earnest affecter ofChristian Religion, (as all of them appeare to be in outward shew;)yet he was a much better Inquisitor after them, that had their pursesplenteously stored with money, then of such as were slenderly groundedin Faith. By which diligent continued care in him, he found out aman, more rich in purse, then understanding; and yet not so defectivein matters of faith, as misguided by his owne simple speaking, and(perhaps) when his braine was well warmed with wine, words fell morefoolishly from him, then in better judgement they could have done.
Being on a day in company, (very little differing in quality fromhimselfe) he chanced to say; that he had beene at such good wine, asGod himselfe did never drinke better. Which words (by some Sicophantthen in presence) being carried to this curious Inquisitor, and he wellknowing, that the mans faculties were great, and his bagges swolne upfull with no meane abundance: _cum gladiis & fustibus_; With Booke,Bell, and Candle, he raysed an hoast of execrations against him,and the Sumner cited him with a solemne Processe to appeare beforehim, understanding sufficiently, that this course would sooner fetchmoney from him, then amend any misbeliefe in the man; for no furtherreformation did he seeke after.
The man comming before him, he demanded, if the accusation intimatedagainst him, was true or no? Whereto the honest man answered, that hecould not denie the speaking of such words, and declared in what mannerthey were uttered. Presently the Inquisitor, most devoutly addictedto Saint _John_ with the golden beard, saide; What? Doest thou makeour Lord a drinker, and a curious quaffer of wines, as if he were aglutton, belly-god, or a Taverne haunter, as thou, and other drunkardsare. Being an hypocrite, as thou art, thou thinkest this to be buta light matter, because it may seeme so in thine owne opinion: butI tell thee plainly, that it deserveth fire and faggot, if I shouldproceede in Justice to inflict it on thee: with these, and other suchlike threatning words, as also a very stearn and angry countenance, hemade the man believe himselfe to be an Epicure, and that hee deniedthe eternity of the soule; whereby he fell into such a tremblingfeare, as doubting indeed, least he should be burned, that, to be moremercifully dealt withall, he rounded him in the eare, and (by secretmeans) so annointed his hands with Saint _Johns_ golden grease, (a verysingular remedy against the disease pestilentiall in covetous Priests,especially Friars Minors, that dare touch no money) as the case becamevery quickly altered.
This soveraigne unction was of such vertue (though _Galen_ speakesnot a word thereof among all his chiefest medicines) and so farreprevailed; that the terrible threatening words of fire and fagot,became meerely frozen up, and gracious language blew a more gentleand calmer ayre; the Inquisitor delivering him an hallowed Crucifixe,creating him a Souldier of the Crosse (because he had payed Crossesgood store for it) and even as if he were to travell under thatStandard to the holy Land; so did hee appoint him a home-payingpennance, namely, to visit him thrice every weeke in his Chamber, andto annoint his hands with the selfe-same yellow unguent, and afterward,to heare a Masse of the holy Crosse, visiting him also at dinnertime, which being ended, to doe nothing all the rest of the day, butaccording as he directed him.
The simple man, yet not so simple, but seeing that this weekelygreasing the Inquisitors hands, would (in time) graspe away all hisgold; grew weary of this annointing, and beganne to consider withhimselfe, how to stay the course of this chargeable penance: Andcomming one morning, (according to his injunction) to heare Masse, inthe Gospell he observed these wordes; _You shall receive an hundred forone, and so possesse eternall life_; which saying he kept perfectlyin his memory, and, as hee was commanded, at dinner time, he came tothe Inquisitor, finding him (among his fellowes) seated at the Table.The Inquisitor presently demanded of him, whether he had heard Massethat morning, or no? Yes Sir, replied the man very readily. Hastthou heard any thing therein (quoth the Inquisitor) whereof thou artdoubtfull, or desirest to be further informed? Surely Sir, answeredthe plaine meaning man, I make no doubt of any thing I have heard, butdoe beleeve all constantly; onely one thing troubleth me much, andmaketh me very compassionate of you, and of all these holy Fathers yourbrethren, perceiving in what wofull and wretched estate you will be,when you shall come into another World. What words are these, quoththe Inquisitor? And why art thou moved to such compassion of us? Ogood Sir, saide the man, doe you remember the words in the Gospellthis morning? you shall receive an hundred for one. That is very true,replied the Inquisitor, but what moveth thee to urge those words?
I will tell you Sir, answered the plaine fellow, so it might please youto be not offended. Since the time of my resorting hither, I have dailyseene many poore people at your doore, and (out of your abundance)when you and your brethren have fed sufficiently, every one hath had agood messe of pottage: now Sir, if for every dishfull given, you aresure to receive an hundred againe, you will all be meerely drowned inpottage. Although the rest (sitting at the Table with the Inquisitor)laughed heartily at this jest; yet he found himselfe toucht in anothernature, having (hypocritically) received for one poore offence, abovethree hundred peeces of gold, and not a mite to be restored againe.But fearing to be further disclosed, yet threatning him with anotherProcesse in Law, for abusing the words of the Gospell; he was contentto dismisse him for altogether, without any more golden greasing in thehand.