***
Elijah was not keen to suspicion, but Maura realized immediately that things had changed between James and me. She had always told me that I would never find love with a boy my own age, and yet her disapproval of James was resounding. Sure, she liked him as a person. He made her laugh when the rest of us could not even get her to smile. But the idea of him and me was not one she could tolerate.
“It is like it's always nighttime. Do you think it will be that way on Pangaea?” I asked her randomly as we sat in front of the large window in the Atrium. It was particularly quiet in there that day, as many people were crowded around the televisions in the recreation room. Some were betting on a football game that had long since passed in real time. Others were engaged in a “chick-flick marathon.” I was not quite sure what that meant, but Violet insisted on going, saying she needed her spirits to be boosted by the idealism present in all of the films. Though it was a line that I would have used to explain my presence at that estrogen-charged soiree, I couldn’t help but shake my head slightly at how young she still was. If she had matured, she would not need that assurance from films that led girls to believe in princes and happy endings.
The cuteness was too exhausting to think about for long periods of time.
“I don’t know,” Maura replied, “Maybe you should have gone with Violet.”
“Why? Am I bothering you by sitting here quietly reading?”
“No. I just think that maybe you’d see in those movies how it is supposed to be.”
For the first time since I had sat on the couch across from her, I noticed a glass of some copper-colored liquid that I knew to be liquor. Fantastic…
“Do you think I’m blind, Brynna?” She narrowed her eyes at me, “Do you think I’m stupid? I realize that you believe yourself to be one of the smartest people still alive, and maybe you are. But that does not mean that the rest of us are so thick that we don’t see what is going on.”
“And what, dare I ask, is going on?” I asked after getting up to pour a drink of my own. Sometimes, I suffered through bouts of very slight sensitivity, and alcohol, I am sad to say, was the only tonic that could re-weld the steel in my spine.
“What exactly are you hinting at right now, Maura?”
“I know about you and James.”
“Oh?” I asked icily. After taking a gulp from my glass, I felt the liquid burning my throat all the way down before detonating inside of my stomach. Just like that, I felt stronger, ready for the barbs, for the very slight pain they inflicted.
“Yes.” Maura replied defiantly.
“Is this the part where I am supposed to confess all? You are expecting some small revelation, but I will end up supplying several gory details, as they say, that you never expected. Is that what is supposed to happen now, Maura?”
“I want you to be honest right now. I want you to tell me everything.”
“You never answered my question.”
“You asked several. I would ask you which one you would like me to answer first, but I was the first one to ask a question, so you’ll answer mine.”
“You never asked a question. You suggested something that is untrue in every sense.”
“Are you really going to lie to me? Isn’t that below you? You have always been overly blunt about everything, almost to a point of mercilessness. Now you’re going to start lying? Is that to protect me or to protect yourself?”
“I have not given you any reason to believe that I am lying. But if I were, I can assure you that it would not be for your benefit. Nor would it be for my own. As I have not lied thus far in this conversation, I should not even be saying that. But if I were beating around the bush, as they say, it would be because what you are asking is none of your damn business. So why don’t you finish your drink and pass out before you say something now that you will regret as you nurse your hangover tomorrow morning? I do not want to have to deal with your pathetic apologies. They always involve tears, and you know how that upsets my stomach and rattles my cool disposition.”
I will admit that calling her out on her drinking was cruel. But for her to assume that my business was her business was ridiculous, in plain words. The woman had raised me to the best of her ability and then spurned me without warning as though I had never existed. Plus, in our joint past, there was one huge issue that was irreversible and irreparable. That is not exaggeration.
She slammed her glass down on the table, and I stared at her, unfazed by her anger’s sudden rise. She was giving me exactly what I wanted. She was giving me weakness on which I could prey.
“I show the slightest bit of concern for you, and you insult me.”
“I didn’t insult you. I spoke truthfully. I suppose that the truth does hurt. Let me make it a little bit more uncomfortable.” I leaned forward and exhaled smoke from my newly lighted cigarette in her direction. “You are a drunk. When you are intoxicated, you say unkind things. They do not hurt me, because nothing hurts me. But they do irritate me. That I cannot deny.”
Silence fell between us, but our gazes held fast. It was a battle of wills, a power play. Stare into the eyes of an animal and assert your power. Do not back down, or you lose. I would not lose to Maura.
“What?” She whispered, drawing out the word in a perfectly sadistic mimic of a mother’s cooing tone. In a sudden polar switch, her voice iced over. “Are you waiting for me to say that you’re a heartless bitch who left her parents to die?’
“Do you see what I mean?” I asked with a slight smile. “I simply cannot wait to hear ‘I was just so angry, darling. But I could never mean that. I could never call you that and mean it. I love you. Despite everything that you’ve done, I love you.’”
Though it was almost unforgivably immature, I spoke in her northern English accent when I imitated her.
“Despite everything that I have done…” I repeated again, speaking normally. “Like you are some all-forgiving saint who sees past all those sins and transgressions I have committed in my twenty-two years…”
“Like you don’t know why I say that! Like you don’t know why I would call you a heartless bitch!” She spat, livid now. “Now you pretend that he never existed! All to avoid personal responsibility. I have been thinking that you are a heartless bitch, but I haven’t said it! And you need to hear it! And now you’re just going to go start screwing James? Why do you insist on self-destructing, Brynna Claire? He will destroy you! Have I taught you nothing?”
“You have taught me next to nothing. I possess the worst of you, Maura. All of your goodness was given to the other three. You and I both know that. Isn’t that why we don’t see eye to eye?”
I blew smoke towards the ceiling. I watched it billow upwards, almost glimmering against the black backdrop whisking by outside of the ceiling window.
“Whatever James and I choose to do is our decision. I am twenty-two years old and fully capable…”
“And he is, what? Forty? Forty-two? Forty-five? You might think you are mature. I do not believe that you are as mature as you think you are. In your heart, I don't think you believe it, either.”
“That statement was completely redundant...” I interrupted her with an amused grin on my face.
“He will be the end of you, Brynna.”
“I would give you the benefit of the doubt by saying that I believe all of this is coming from a good place. It is coming from concern. But then, every last instinct I possess is telling me that this entire conversation is malicious.”
“It is not malicious!” She exclaimed in a rage that the situation did not warrant. “I care for you! I force myself to care for you even though you are so cruel! You are so heartless! I do not understand you at all, but I force myself to care because I’ve had you since you were a child! But please, do not think that I am so blind that I don’t see what you are! How you could do that to your father, I will never know!”
Checkmate. My grin only grew in width, and my eyes gleamed with vicious triumph.
“Oh, so this is about him?” I asked with a derisive chuckle. “Everything is about him, isn’t it? Honestly, Maura… Are you really so pathetic that you still love him after what he did to you? Aren’t you the one who told me to show them no weakness? No mercy? And yet here you are, some twenty years later, still wailing about the one that got away.”
“Do you see what I mean? You have no heart. If you can say something like that, then you have no heart.” Her voice was on the verge of breaking now, but I saw a deep anger in her eyes that was stronger than her need to cry.
“Maybe I don’t.” I shrugged, still smiling slightly, “You want to know about James and me? We are taking it a day at a time but yes, there is something there. Is that what you are upset about? I was supposed to be a failure like you. But now, I am more intelligent, I am more physically attractive, and the man I want also wants me. That’s the trifecta of one-up-manship in this particular case, is it not?”
In a blur, she leaned forward, brought her hand back, and went to slap me across the face. I was used to those furious, drunken spasms. I had even grown used to the cutting remarks she made while intoxicated. The things she said to me over the years were some of the cruelest I had ever heard. In those words, I found my own malice, my own dark inclination and ability to hurt people.
I grabbed her wrist without even looking in the direction from which her hand was coming. I held it hard in my hand, feeling my eyes flash over to that blood red color of inescapable wrath. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to choke her. I wanted to cause her as much pain as I could. But there was affection for her, even if it was so complicated that contemplating its strength was like attempting to complete a math problem without actually seeing the numbers. So when she cried out in pain, I released my grip.
“And now… Now I don’t even know what you are.” I grimaced when tears began to run down her face. “I think you’re possessed, Brynna. I think you always have been.”
Her tantrum had drained whatever energy was left. The alcohol had numbed her enough that she could sleep. I knew that she was ready to lose consciousness, having ushered her to her room and gotten her safely tucked away in bed so many times before.
“You have always been evil.”
“Yes, I know.”
I put her arm around my neck and walked her slowly out of the room. While we were on the stairs, she stumbled over her feet several times, forcing me to practically carry her. When her legs finally gave out, I lifted her with one arm and walked the rest of the way as she muttered over and over again how sadistically twisted I was.
“It is the devil. If I believed…”
“Just shut up and go to sleep.” I snapped as I laid her down in bed.
I covered her up with the thin blanket and sat down across from her on Violet's bed. I knew that she and Violet fell asleep every night clasping hands across the space between them. Perhaps in her inebriated state, she believed that I was my sister, though we looked nothing alike. Maura's eyes were fixed on mine when she reached out for my hand. I stared at her before scoffing in condescending disbelief. How she could expect my comfort after all she had said, I did not know.
“Brynna...”
In her voice, I heard a soft, tremulous plea. She needed my support, for whatever reason. She needed a moment of compassion from me. At first, I refused her request. Then, with a roll of my eyes and a muttered expletive, I reached out to link her fingers with mine.
“You do know… he’d still be alive… if you had never been born…”
I had lit another cigarette and took a long time exhaling the smoke. I wanted to close my eyes, thinking that doing so would help me block out his face. I was masked in the smoke, and she could not see me. I tried to shut my eyes for just one second, but his young, smiling face just snapped into jarring clarity against the darkness, and my eyes shot open as a jolt of panic went through me; if his smiling face was there, a second or so later, his closed eyes, his pale skin, and his blue lips would begin to seep through the image until there were no other memories of him.
“You do know… that if we had to lose one… it should have been you?”
“I have never been able to doubt that, Maura.”
Just before she passed out, she looked up at me and whispered:
“I should have smothered you in your crib.”
I watched her eyes close as her body dropped into a heavy, unshakable sleep. I nodded slightly to myself, bemused by the fact that I had nothing to say. Even if I did, she was away in some dreamless world where I, mercifully, did not exist. After some time draped in a thoughtful silence, I found a suitable response.
“Yes.” I shrugged, “Perhaps you should have.”
I felt arms wrapping around me, and I jumped, whipped around, and threw myself on top of the person I believed was attacking me. I looked down to find that it was James, looking more brilliant than ever in my eyes that had flashed white.
“Should I have said something?” He asked quickly as he held his hands up in surrender. “I should have said something.”
I let out the breath I was holding and laid my head down on his chest. A peculiar but dreamily comforting wave of warmth passed all throughout my body when his arms came up to hold me. After his lips pressed to the top of my head, I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply the scent of his cologne, and become steadily more hypnotized by the sound of his beating heart.
“So, Maura is cut off from here on out.”
“Good luck.” I propped my head up to look at him and rolled my eyes. “Elijah and Violet have been requesting that she stop her frequent binge-drinking for many years now. They even offered to accompany her to Alcoholic's Anonymous.”
“You could have just called it 'AA.' I wouldn't have thought you less intelligent, just so we're clear...”
I frowned at him and slapped my knee in a sarcastic show of enthusiastic amusement.
“I knew you'd appreciate that one. On a much less lighthearted note, does Maura say that she wished she had committed infanticide with Violet and Elijah, too?”
“Of course not. That would be terrible.” My gaze diverted from his. “I was not aware you were listening to mine and Maura's slight disagreement.”
“I was. Well, I overheard the tail-end of it. I doubt she meant the things she said. But even if she was just pissed off, she was wrong to say all of that.”
“Wrong in the content of what she said, or wrong in saying such a potentially hurtful thing at all?”
“Both.”
“Not many people would agree with you on the former though surely, many would agree with you on the latter.” I paused and mauled over my statement. “Actually, both the former and the latter would be agreed upon by most people. I was wrong in suggesting that they would not be.”
“Who cares what they think?” He reached out and gently moved my hair away from her face.
“You felt that way a few times.” I laid my hands on his firm chest and rested my chin on them so I could look at him still. “When I was aggravating you, I am sure you thought the same, even if it was not clear to you.”
He turned so that I was now lying on the cot, and he was above me. He came down and kissed my lips gently; that scintillating wave of warmth streamed through my body once again.
“I could never think that about you.” He said before grinning wryly. “Even when you're abusing me for not paying attention to my faulty tires, I don’t think that.”
I reached up to put both of my hands on his face. I found myself smiling, as well.
“If I didn't abuse you for those things, you would scarcely know what to do with yourself. Besides, I hardly abused you. I merely assailed you with a stick of mozzarella cheese. I knew that any injuries you could sustain would be minor.”
“Yeah, it didn't hurt, per se, but it startled me. That was the worst part, I think.”
As usual, I was laughing at a loud volume and with an intensity that seemed to shake my bones. He always seemed to entertain me even when he
tried just barely.
I pulled his face closer to mine and planted a soft kiss on his lips.
“You need to shave.” I rubbed the stubble on his face that was getting longer every day he chose to ignore it.
“I know.”
“Did you win the bet?”
“I remember that game. All of us old guys did, so we all won.”
“What was the prize?”
“Bragging rights.”
“Well, that should be enough, I suppose.” I grasped his upper-arms and furrowed my brows slightly in surprise; his biceps seemed to have grown. I remembered him as being slightly thinner than most men when we had met. Now, as I observed his body shrouded only in a tight black T-shirt and jeans, I found that his muscles had hardened slightly and toned themselves.
“Have you been working out?” I asked him suddenly.
“No. Well, some of the other guys and I lifted some weights the other day. Then, we realized quite suddenly that we're not twenty anymore, so we went to the Rec Room and watched Rocky.”
“That did not inspire all of you to work out some more?”
“It did, but we would have looked ridiculous running up both sides of the steps in the Atrium.”
“Yes.” I replied, laughing at the mental picture. “I would have found that most entertaining. It would have opened you up to much public ridicule.”
“Well, no one could ridicule me better than you, my dear.”
“That is very true.” We both laughed and kissed again, this time for even longer and with even more passion erupting between us. After we pulled away, I rubbed his arms to feel his tight muscles again. I had to admit, his newly enhanced physique was rather erotically stimulating.
To distract myself from those thoughts, I changed the subject.
“Did you talk to the pilot today?”
“I did. Two more days, and we’re there.”
“Can I ask you something serious?”
“Please do.”
“What are we going to do once we’re there?” I looked at him, having put off this question for the three days that had passed since we had kissed in the hallway. “Am I jumping the gun, as they say, asking you that? Am I getting ahead of myself? Not that I care, but you’re disturbed, aren’t you? You think that I am taking this too seriously?”
“No. I don’t.” He replied as he grasped my hand, “We’ve come this far. Of course you’d ask that question. But I think I should be asking you that, Brynna. If we’re being honest, you and I both know that you’re the one that’s going to pull away.”
“Have I pulled away thus far?”
“Several times.”
“I mean since the other night.”
“No. You’ve gotten close, but you’ve stuck it out. Obviously, I'm happy about that. What do you want to do once we’re there?”
I sat up and looked at him, studying his handsome features as I contemplated how to phrase what I needed to say. The topic was on a high emotional level with which I was not comfortable but for his sake, I would tread the dangerous waters of a discussion on feelings.
“It is going to take a long time for me to reach the point that you need me to reach.”
“Which point is that?” He prodded me gently.
“In relationships, one is supposed to let his or her guard down. They are supposed to give themselves over to the other person completely. That is what occurs in those ridiculous movies Violet is watching. Isn’t that how it works?”
“In best case scenarios, yes.”
“I do not know if I will ever be at that point. You are going to get frustrated. You are going to want to run for the hills eventually, James. I know you will. I will not change, even if you do leave. You know that, don’t you?”
He nodded.
“Of course I do.”
“We just have to see how it goes in that regard.” I linked my fingers with his as I spoke. “But when we get to Pangaea, I do want you to stay with me.”
“And I want to stay with you. That’s all we need right now. That’s all either of us has to hear at this point. Everything else we’re going to play by ear, okay?”
I nodded, assured by that and comforted by what I sensed to be absolute certainty in him that one day, I would come around. His faith in me was, in my opinion, unwarranted and sure to lead directly to a disappointment and a resentment so venomous that it would wreck him after it destroyed whatever semblance of love we had built.
Plus, we weren’t engaging in less-than-moral behaviors, if one catches my drift. I had always been told by Maura that all men wanted was a physical relationship and nothing else. I knew from personal experience that they would take what they wanted without warning, not caring to look back and view the damage. I was horrified, if I am being entirely frank, at the idea of participating in such activities, even with James. Though I found myself smiling at the thought of him (quite ridiculously) and feeling a vivid joy in every minute spent in his company (quite immaturely), I couldn’t bring myself to do that.
It was only a matter of time until that reluctance drove him away.
“I’m in no rush.” He told me, as though he had read my mind. I had looked away from him, falling into a reverie on the very subject he was discreetly commenting on.
“That is strange.” I looked up at him in genuine confusion.
“No. Don’t believe the stereotype. We’re not all like that, believe it or not. Once you get to be my age, you realize that there are more important things.”
“But you’re a man…”
“Gender profiling.” He shook his head at me. “That’s blatant discrimination, and I don't appreciate it in the slightest.”
“Oh, I do apologize.” I told him with another grin after leaning forward to wrap my arms around his middle.
“I have been calmer since you and I began this tryst that defies all definition. I have been in an uncharacteristically nice mood. Perhaps you make me happy.” I informed him softly.
“You definitely make me happy.”
“Do I? That is nice to hear. Things do not seem as dire now. Up until my conversation with Maura, I did not feel the need to be overly nasty to anyone.”
“Well, Maura deserved it.”
“Maura does not approve of us. She suspects something. Once she suspects something, she thinks she can force a confession out of anyone.”
“But she just doesn’t know who she’s dealing with, right?”
“After all of these years, one would think she would realize that if I do not want to share something, it will not be shared.” I sighed slightly and shook my head to clear my mind of those irritating thoughts. “If things are still going well, we’ll tell them when we get there.”
James nodded, and we laid down, both exhausted from the long day of doing absolutely nothing. Boredom was quite taxing on one’s level of energy, if that can be believed.
“Just stay here with me for a few more minutes.” I rested my head on his chest and held his arm over me. “They shouldn’t be back for a little while longer.”
He kissed my head and held me tighter, his eyes closed.
“I will kick you off the bed if I see them coming.” I warned him after closing my own eyes. “Seriously. Right onto the floor, James.”
He laughed softly, and I smiled, too.
“Goodnight, sweetheart.”
“Goodnight, James.”