day, and our dark time seems to be well and truly over.
Now I'm home, and I lit three green candles to the
Goddess for prosperity and happiness. There's a full moon
tonight, so I have to sober up, dress warm, and go gather my
luibh. The dock root down at the pond is ready for taking in,
and there's early violets, dandelions, and cattails, too, ready. I
can't drink any more beer until then, or they'll find me
facedown in the marsh, too drunk to pick myself up! What a
day!
--Bradhadair
As I drove it occurred to me that there was nowhere to go
at eight o'clock on a Monday night in Widow's Vale, New York. I
pictured myself showing up at Schweikhardt's soda shop, on
Main Street, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I pictured
myself showing up at Janice's the same way. No-Janice had no
idea how complicated my life had gotten. Robbie? I considered
for a second but shook my head. I hated going to his house,
with his dad drinking beer in front of the TV and his mom ail
tight-lipped and angry. And of course Bree didn't even enter
Into it—God, what a bitch she'd been today.
Cal? I turned and headed toward his neighborhood,
feeling desperate and daring, brave and terrified. Was I being
presumptuous by going to his house uninvited? There was so
much going on in my mind: my birth parents' story, my other
parents' refusal to tell me the truth about my past, Bree—it was
all too much to think about I felt like I couldn't make any kind
of decision about anything—even about whether it was okay for
me to show up at Cal's house unannounced.
By the time I pulled into the long, cobblestone driveway
of Cal's big stone house, I felt completer/ incoherent. What
was I doing? I just wanted to drive off into the night forever,
far away from everyone I knew. Be a different person. I
couldn't believe this was my life.
I cut the lights and the engine and hunched over my
steering wheel, literally, frozen with uncertainty. I couldn't
even start the car again to get out of there.
Who knows how long I huddled in the darkness outside
Cal's home. I finally looked up when strong headlights flooded
the interior of my car, reflecting off my rearview mirror and
shining into my eyes. An expensive-looking SUV pulled around
my car and parked neatly, close to the house. Its door opened,
and a tall, slender woman stepped out her hair barely visible in
the darkness. The house's outdoor floodlights came on, bathing
the driveway in warm yellow light. The woman walked to my
car.
Feeling like an idiot, I rolled down my window as Selene
Belltower approached. For long moments she gazed at my face,
as if evaluating me. We neither smiled nor spoke to each other.
Finally she said, "Why don't you come inside, Morgan?
You must be chilled through. I'll make some cocoa." As if It
was normal to find a girl in a car sitting in the dark outside her
house.
I got out of Das Boot and slammed the door. We walked
up the broad stone steps together, Cal's mom and I, and
through the massive wooden front door. She led me across the
foyer, down a hall, into a huge French country-style kitchen I
hadn't seen on my other visit here.
“Sit down, Morgan,”she said, gesturing to a ail stool by
the kitchen island.
I sat, hoping Cal was here. I hadn't seen his car outside,
but maybe it was in the garage.
I cast my senses out, but I couldn't feel his presence close
by. Selene Belltower's head snapped up as she poured milk into
a pan. Her brows came together, and she looked at me
assessingly.
"You're very strong," she commented. "I didn't learn how
to cast my senses until I was in my twenties. Cal isn't here, by
the way.”
“I'm sorry;'* I said awkwardly. I should go. I don't want
to bother you....”
“Your not bothering me,”she said. She spooned some
cocoa powder into the milk and whisked it smooth on the
cooktop across from me. "I've been curious. Cal has told me
some very interesting things about you."
Cal talked to his mother about me?
She laughed, a warm, earthy laugh, when she saw the
expression on my face. "Cal and I are pretty close,” she said
"For a long time it's been just the two of us. His father left us
when Cal was about four."
I'm sorry," I said again* She was speaking to me as If I
were an adult, and for some reason this made me feel younger
than sixteen.
Selene Belltower shrugged "I was sorry, too. Cal missed
his father very much, but he lives in Europe now, and they
don't see each other often. At any rate—you shouldn't be
startled that my son confides in me. It would be silly for him to
try to hide anything, after all."
I breathed in, trying to relax. So this was life in a blood-
witch household. No secrets.
Cal's mother poured the cocoa into two brightly colored
hand-painted mugs and handed one to me. It was too hot to
drink, so I set it down and waited. Selene waved her hand over
her mug twice, then took a sip.
'Try this," she suggested, looking up at me. "Take your
left hand and circle it widdershins over your mug. Say “Cool the
fire.'" I did, wondering. I felt warmth go into my left hand. "Try
the cocoa now," she said, watching me. I took a sip. It was
noticeably cooler, perfect to drink. I grinned, delighted.
"Left hand takes away," she explained. "Right hand gives.
Deasil for increasing, widdershins for decreasing. And simple
words are best"
I nodded and drank my cocoa. This one small thing was so
fascinating to me. The idea that I could speak words, make
movements that cooled a hot drink to the right temperature!
Selene smiled, and then her eyes focused on mine
sympathetically. "You look like you've had a rough time."
This was an understatement, but I nodded. "Has Cal told
you about... anything?"
She put her mug down. "He's told me you recently found
out you were adopted," she said. "That your biological parents
must be blood witches. And this afternoon he told me you
thought you were probably the daughter of two Irish witches
who died here sixteen years ago."
I nodded again. "Not exactly here—Meshomah Falls.
About two hours away. I think my mothers name was Maeve
Riordan."
Selene's race became grave. "I've heard that story,” the I
said. "I remember when it happened. I was forty years old; I
Cal wasn't quite two. I remember thinking that such a I thing
could never happen to me, my husband, our child.” I Her long
fingers played with the rim of her mug. “I know better now."
She looked up at me again. "I'm very sorry this has happened
to you. It's always somewhat difficult to be different, even if
you have a lot of support. One is still set apart. But I know you
must be having an especially hard time."
My throat
felt like it was closing again, and I drank my
cocoa. I didn't trust myself to agree. I distracted myself with
pointless details: If she had been forty sixteen years ago, she
would be about fifty-six now. She looked like she was about
thirty-five.
"If you want," said Selene, sounding hesitant, “I can help
you feel better.”
"What do you mean?" I asked. For a wild moment I
wondered, Is she offering me drugs?
"Well, I'm picking up waves of upset, discord,
unhappiness, anger," she said. "We could make a small, two-
person circle and try to get you to a better place."
I caught my breath. I had only ever made a circle with Cal
and our coven. What would it be like with someone who was
even more powerful than he was? I found myself saying, "Yes,
please, if you don't mind."
Selene smiled, looking very much like Cal. "Come on,
then.”
The house was shaped like a U, with a middle part and
two wings. She led me to the back of the left wing, through a
very large room that I figured she must use for her coven's
circles. She opened a door that set into the wall paneling, so
you could barely see it I felt a thrill of pure, childlike delight
Secret doors!
We stepped into a much smaller, cozier room furnished
only with a narrow table, some bookshelves, and candelabras
on the walls. Selene lit the candles.
"This is my private sanctuary," she said, brushing her
fingers over the doorjamb. For a fleeting moment I saw sigils
glimmering there. They must be for privacy or protection. But I
had no idea how to read them. There was so much I needed to
learn. I was a complete novice.
Selene had already drawn a small circle on the wooden
floor, using a reddish powder that gave off a strong, spicy scent
She motioned me into the circle with her and then closed it
behind us.
"Let's sit down," she said. With us facing each other, sitting
cross-legged on the floor, there was very little room inside the
circle.We each sprinkled salt around our half of the circle,
saying,"With this salt, I purify my circle."
Then Selene closed her eyes and let her head droop, her
hands on her knees as if doing yoga. "With every breath out,
release a negative emotion. With every breath in, take in white
light, healing light, soothing and calming light. Feel it enter
your fingers, your toes, settle in your stomach, reach up
through the crown of your head."
As she spoke her voice became slower, deeper, more
mesmerizing. My eyes were closed, my chin practically resting
on my chest I breathed out forcing air completely out of my
lungs. Then I breathed in, listening to her soothing words.
"I release tension," she murmured, and I repeated it after
her without hesitation.
“I release fear and anger,”she said, her words floating to
me on a sea of calm. I repeated it and literally felt the knots in
my stomach begin to uncoil, the tightness in my arms and
calves unravel.
“I release uncertainty,”she said, and I followed her.
We breathed deeply, silently for several minutes. My
headache dissolved, my temples ceased throbbing, my chest
expanded, and I could breath more easily.
“I feel calm,”Selene said.
“Me too,”I agreed dreamily. I sensed rather than saw her
smile.“No, say it,”she prompted, humor in her voice/
“Oh. I feel calm,”I said.
“Open your eyes. Make this symbol with your right
hand,”she prompted, drawing in the air with two fingers.
I watched her, then carefully drew in the air one straight
line down, then a small triangle attached to the top, like a little
flag,
"I feel at peace," she said, drawing the same rune on my
forehead.
"I feel at peace," I said, feeling her finger trace heat on
my skin. The memory of what had happened to my birth
Barents receded into the distance. I was aware of it, but it had
less power to hurt me.
"I am love. I am peace. I am strength."
I said the words, feeling a delicious warmth flow over me.
"I call on the strength of the Goddess and the God. I call
on the power of the Earth Mother" said Selene, tracing another
rune onto my forehead. This one felt like half of a lopsided
rectangle, and as it sank into my skin I thought, Strength.
Selene and I were joined. I could feel her strength inside
my head, feel her smoothing every wrinkle in my emotions,
searching out every knot of fear, every snarl of anger. She
probed deeper and deeper, and languidly I let her. She soothed
away the pain until I was almost in a trance.
Ages later, I seemed to come awake again. Unbidden, I
opened my eyes in time to see her raising her head and
opening hers. I felt a little groggy and so much better, I
couldn't help smiling. She smiled back.
"All right now?" she said softly.
"Oh, yes," I said, unable to put my feelings into words.
"Here's one more for you," she said, and she traced two
triangles, touching, onto the backs of my hands. "That's for
new beginnings."
“Thank you," I said, awed by her power. "I feel much
better."
"Good." We stood, and she dissolved the circle and blew
out the candles mounted around the small room. As we passed
through the larger coven's room I saw a reflection of Selene's
face in a huge, gilt-frame wall mirror. She was smiling. Her face
was bright, almost triumphant as she led the way back to the
foyer. Then the image was gone, and I thought I must have
imagined it.
At the front door she patted my arm, and I thanked her
again. Then I practically floated to my car, not feeling the
slightest bit of November wind, November chill. I felt
absolutely perfect all the way home. I didn't even wonder
where Cal had been.
10. Split
August 14, 1981
The coven over at Much Bencham has three new students,
they tell us. We have none. Tara and Cliff were the last to join
Belwicket as students, and that was three years ago. Until
Lizzie Sims turns fourteen in four years, we have no one. Of
course, at Much Bencham they take almost anyone who wants
to study.
I say we should do the same—if we could even convince
anyone to join us. Belwicket chose its own path a long time
ago, and it is not for everyone. But we must expand. If we stick
to only blood-born, clan-born witches, we will surly die out. We
must seem out others of our kind, mingle clans. But Ma and the
elders have shot me down time and again. They want us to
remain pure. They refuse to let outsiders in.
Maybe some in Belwicket would rather die.
--Bradhadair
When I got home that night, my parents' light was
already out, and if my car's rumbling engine woke them up,
they didn't show it Mary K. had waited up for me, listening to
music in her room. She looked up and took off her headph
ones
when I poked my head in.
"Hi," I said, feeling a deep love for her. After all, she'd
always been my sister, if not by blood, then by circumstance. I
regretted hurting her.
"Where did you go?" she asked.
"To Cal's. He wasn't there, but I talked to his mom."
Mary K. paused. "It was awful after you left, I thought
Mom was going to burst into tears. Everyone was really
embarrassed."
"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "It's just that I can't believe
Mom and Dad kept this to themselves my whole life. They lied
to me." I shook my head. "Tonight I realized that Aunt Eileen,
and our other relatives, and Mom and Dad's friends all know
I'm adopted. I just felt so stupid for not knowing myself. I was
just... furious that they never told me when all these other
people know."
"Yeah, I hadn't thought of that," said Mary K., frowning
slightly. "But you're right. They would all know." She looked at
me." I didn't know. You believe that, don't you?"
I nodded. "There's no way you'd be able to keep a secret
like that" I smiled as Mary K. aimed her pillow at me.
The blanket of peace, forgiveness, and love that Selene
Belltower had wrapped around over me was still cocooning me
in its comfortable embrace. "Look, it's going to be pretty awful
for a while. Mom and Dad have to tell me about my past and
how I was adopted. I can't stop till I know. But it doesn't mean
I don't love you or them. We'll get through it somehow," I said.
Uncertainty played across Mary K.'s pretty face. "Okay,"
she said, accepting my word.
"I'm happy about Aunt Eileen and Paula." I said, changing
the subject.
"Me too. I didn't want Aunt Eileen to be alone anymore,"
said Mary K. "Do you think they'll have kids?"
I laughed. "First things first. They need to live together
for a while."
"Yeah. Oh, well. I'm tired." Mary K. took off her
headphones and dropped them on the floor.
"Here, let me do this." Reaching over, I gentry traced the
rune for comfort on her forehead, the way Selene had showed
me. I felt the warmth leave my fingertips and stood back to see
Mary K. looking at me unhappily.
“Please don't do that to me,”she whispered. “I don't want
to be part of it.”
Stung, I blinked, then nodded. "Yeah, sure," I mumbled I
turned and fled to my own room, feeling dismayed. Something
that had given me joy was only upsetting to my sister. It was a