Russ counted me down as I came in for a scheduled pit stop. “Five, four, three, two, one.”
Dalton barked out orders as I waited for the signal.
“Go, go, go!” Dalton yelled in my ear as I took off in the race off pit road. I only had to get ahead of the number twenty. He was a rookie and I hadn’t raced against him yet. Little bastard was trying to do his best to get around me. Either he would be going into the wall or I would be and I was going to make damn sure it wasn’t me.
“Twenty to go . . . wreck in turn two. Stay on the apron.”
Oh fuck.
I was going into the turn blind, with only Russ telling me where to go. It’s not like I hadn’t done it a million times, but this was the first time since my accident. The sweat was pouring down my face as my heart practically beat out of my chest.
“Go. You’re clear.”
I hadn’t realized I had been holding my breath until I blew it out.
“How ya doing, Wallace?” Dalton asked.
My leg was feeling numb. The pain no longer there . . . it was replaced by numbness. “Fine,” was my only response.
“Ten to go.”
“Where’s the twenty?” I asked.
“A car length back and falling. You’re coming up to lap traffic. Stay on your run. Stay outside.”
I did like Russ said. The adrenaline was pumping through my body and I loved every second of it. Fuck I missed this. The only thing that would make it better was if Paislie was waiting for me on the bus. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to fuck her on the high I was on right now.
A memory hit me hard as I sucked in a breath.
“You only want me after you’ve won a race, Malcolm. I want to know you want me all the time. Not just when you’re pumped up from winning.”
The memory of Casey flashing through my mind had me confused. I’d never thought of her when I was in a car. Never. This was my escape from all of that.
“Focus, Wallace! You’re sliding all over the fucking place.”
I shook my head to clear my thoughts.
“One to go. One. To. Go. Keep your line; you’re clear all the way. Twenty is dropping back.”
Is this fucking for real? My first race back and I’m going to win. Hell yes!
Coming out of turn four, I gripped the steering wheel like it was my lifeline. The checkered flag dropped and all I heard were cheers.
Dalton went crazy screaming in my ear. He finally settled down enough to say, “Welcome home, Malcolm. Welcome home.”
The words hit me like a brick wall.
Home.
Was this what I wanted? Week after week, racing around a track chasing after what? What in the hell was I running from? The ghost of a dead girlfriend? The rush that used to be better than sex? The drive to win no matter what the cost?
I pulled up and took the checkered flag as everyone stood on their feet. The feeling was amazing and I proved I could do it. I proved I could come back and win a race. Bad leg or not, I fucking did it.
But at what cost?
The interviews were over. The pictures done. I was exhausted and clearly limping on my leg. No one said a word. They didn’t even bother to ask, except for Dalton and I brushed it off as being stiff.
Walking up to the bus, I saw her standing there.
“Malcolm, it’s been a long time.”
With a nod, I kissed her on both cheeks. “It’s been a while, Kathleen.”
She smiled and motioned for the bus. “Shall we head inside?”
I knew what I was about to do was wrong, but I didn’t care. There wasn’t much I cared about anymore.
“PAISLIE? IS THAT YOU?”
Glancing up from my book, I saw Peter. “Peter Clarkson!” I finally remembered his last name. “Oh my gosh, is that you?”
With a nod of his head, I jumped up and walked into his arms. “It’s so good seeing you.”
He pulled back and laughed. “It’s been a while.” His eyes roamed over my body and lit up. “You haven’t changed a bit, Paislie. Still beautiful and still rocking a sinful body that caused me plenty of Our Fathers during confession.”
My cheeks warmed as his eyes grew darker. Peter had been my first, and boy did we have a past together.
“Stop it,” I said as I motioned for him to sit down.
He pulled the chair out and took a seat. I couldn’t help but notice his body. Holy hell . . . he must work out six hours a day to have a body like that.
“I can’t believe I ran into you. What a crazy small world,” he said with a smile that pulled something out from the past and hit me right smack in the face.
Lust.
Want.
Desire.
How I had a crush on him at one point. Then he went off and left me to join the Army and get as far away from St. Patrick’s as he could. I didn’t blame him because I knew how he felt. Both of us wanted out. I had always felt so comfortable with him. He was just another man who left me.
Clearing my throat, I nodded. “Totally. What have you been up to?”
“Came to visit some friends.”
His eyes were hungry as he looked at me. Swallowing hard, I tried to keep myself in check. For weeks I had buried myself in my apartment with Princess as I mourned the loss of Malcolm. My mind drifted back to my conversation with Elizabeth.
My head was buried as I knelt silently in the nave of my beloved St. Patrick’s. My safe haven and the only place I’d ever truly felt loved.
“Paislie, you look troubled.”
I lifted my head to see Elizabeth, my dearest friend, standing alongside Father Tim. With a smile, I stood and made my way to them both. Elizabeth wrapped me in her arms and I finally let go of the tears I had been trying to hold back.
“I’ll leave you be,” Father Tim said as I pulled back and quickly wiped away the evidence of my weakness. He smiled and my heart felt light. I had always had suspicions that Father Tim and Elizabeth carried a torch for one another. They were both young and attractive. “Paislie, I’d love to see you sitting in the pews this Sunday.”
My face flushed as I looked down in guilt. “Yes, father, I’ll be there.” And I would. If I made a promise to either one of them, I always kept it.
“Good. It will do your heart good to sit in the Lord’s house more often.” He flashed me a bigger smile and gave Elizabeth a slight nod before turning and walking away.
Reaching for my hand, Elizabeth guided me to the front pew. “Talk to me, Paislie. I’m filled with worry.”
Her eyes looked me over as she pulled me down into a seated position. “You’ve lost weight.”
With a shrug, I barely said, “I haven’t been hungry.”
“What happened?”
With a dry laugh, I shook my head and looked up at the crucifix. “I let him into my heart. Gave him a piece of myself that I swore I’d never give away.”
Elizabeth took my hand in hers. “Do you love him?”
A single tear rolled down my cheek. “I thought I did. Maybe I longed for someone to love me so much, I deceived my own heart into thinking I was in love.”
“Did he do something to hurt you?”
I jerked my head to look at her. “No.” His blue eyes invaded my thoughts as I closed my eyes and whispered, “He treated me like a princess.”
“Did you get scared?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t run because things were getting serious.” With a chuckle, I looked back at her. “There were moments I fantasized about having a family with him.”
Elizabeth smiled. “Paislie, that’s wonderful.”
My smile faded. “It was until he started pulling back. Flirting with other women. He might have been sleeping with someone else, I have no clue. He lied to me about his knee; he went behind my back.”
Concern washed over her face. “What did he do?”
I stood up and shook my hands, trying to shake away the feeling of dread looming in my heart. “Elizabeth, I just want to forget him. Fo
rget men all together. I want a simple life like yours.”
She pulled her head back and laughed. “You think my life is simple, Paislie? That I don’t struggle with the feelings you struggle with?”
My eyes widened. “Well . . . I . . . I’m not sure.”
She shook her head. “Paislie, I’ve been fighting a demon of my own for some time. The heart is one that is hard to deny when it falls in love.”
I sucked in a breath of air. “Father Tim?”
She swallowed hard. “All I’m trying to say is that even though your head is telling you walking away was the answer, it might be time to listen to your heart.”
My head dropped as I slowly shook it.
“Listening to my heart has only ever lead to hurt.” Lifting my eyes to hers, I pressed my lips together. “I’m tired of being hurt.”
She wrapped me in her arms as I let myself cry one more time. After that I would never shed another tear for Malcolm Wallace again.
“Paislie? Earth to Paislie?”
I laughed and shook my head as I looked Peter in the eyes. “I guess I got lost in a memory.”
With a lift of his eyebrow, he tilted his head and gave me the sexiest smile ever. “Oh yeah? I hope you picked a good one.”
Was I really going to do this? Go right back to my old habits of getting lost in sex?
I took every inch of him in. Damn, I bet he’s good in bed. I quickly imagined his rock hard body over mine.
My phone buzzed, pulling me out of my naughty thoughts. When I glanced down it was a reminder telling me the NASCAR race was on.
Reaching down, I dismissed it.
“NASCAR? I never imagined you would follow that.”
Attempting to swallow the frog in my throat, I casually asked, “Do you?”
His face lit up. “I was going to meet a few buddies to watch the race. One of the drivers is making his comeback race.”
“Malcolm Wallace,” I whispered.
Peter pointed to me. “Yes! How did you know?”
With a fake smile, I replied, “I was his physical therapist during his recovery.”
His tongue moved over his bottom lip. “Why is that so fucking hot sounding?”
Heat surged to my lower stomach as I focused in on his lips. “Peter, how would you feel about skipping that race and heading back to my place to catch up a little better?”
“What race?” he replied as he stood and reached for my hand.
I packed up my things. “I walked here.”
His breathing picked up a bit as he said, “My rental is right around the corner.”
Pulling in a deep breath, I slowly let it out as I tilted my head and gave him another once over. Making sure I eye fucked the hell out of him.
“Lead the way.”
Twenty minutes later and we were all over each other in his car that was parked in front of my apartment building.
“Fucking hell, I don’t want to screw you in my car, Paislie.”
I crawled over him and began grinding myself against his hard dick. God he felt big. It had been too long since I had an orgasm and my body was screaming for relief.
“You haven’t changed at all, baby. So responsive.”
I ignored his comment and focused on giving myself the much-needed orgasm. The thin layer of my panties was soaked as my relief built.
“Peter . . . oh God!”
He grabbed onto my ass and pulled me closer to him and kissed me. It was nothing like Malcolm’s kisses. My body didn’t tremble, my stomach didn’t flutter, and I felt absolutely nothing.
Just like before, mindless sex to hide the pain.
His fingers pushed my panties out of the way as he slipped them inside of me. Before Malcolm, I would have been pumping my hips against Peter’s hand. Guiding him on how to fuck me with his fingers.
“Fuck waiting,” Peter mumbled as he pushed me off some and unzipped his pants.
“Condom?” I gasped.
Peter magically made one appear in his hand as he placed it in his mouth and rubbed the tip of his dick against me.
Instead of it turning me on more, it made my stomach turn.
Everything felt wrong. Me on him, his hands on me, his dick pressed against my body.
No.
This isn’t what I want.
“Wait,” I panted as I placed my hands on his chest.
Stopping him now would be a total bitch move and I knew it. I slid off of him and wrapped my hand around his dick, moving it up and down slowly as he dropped his head back.
“Jesus . . . you’ve gotten better at hand jobs.”
I smiled as I fought to keep the bile down.
“Suck on me, Paislie. Show me what you’ve learned.”
I swallowed hard. I hated what I was doing and I sure as hell didn’t want to put his dick in my mouth. It dawned on me it was the middle of the morning and anyone could walk by and see us.
Looking around quickly, I sped my hand up as he pumped his hips. “Oh fuck.”
Twisting and pulling, I quickly had him calling out my name as he covered his dick and came in his hand.
“Fucking hell, that was nice.”
Nice? What a dick.
When he opened his eyes he looked at me. “Your turn.”
I shook my head and chewed on the corner of my lip. “Peter, I’m sorry I led you on. I . . . well I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I thought I was ready to do this, but I can’t. Hell, I mean . . . I want to . . . but I’m not ready.”
His eyes softened. “Is that why you finished me off with your hand?”
I slowly nodded. He grabbed a shirt that had been in the back seat and cleaned himself up. When he was finished, he placed his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me closer to him. His lips softly kissed mine. I wanted to feel something so desperately, but I felt nothing.
Peter sat back and searched my face. “He really hurt you?”
With a shrug, I winked and said, “Should be used to it, right?”
He slowly shook his head. “No. And I’m glad you stopped us, Paislie. I would never want you to do something you didn’t want to do.”
With a weak grin, I shook my head. “I wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t left.”
His face grew into a huge smile as his cheeks flushed. “I would have gone to college, struggled to pay my way, asked you to marry me and you probably would have said yes because we are the only thing we ever knew. Maybe had a kid or two and probably would have ended up divorcing by the time we hit thirty.”
I couldn’t help it as I busted out laughing. “You’ve thought about this?”
He shook his head as he chuckled. “Nah, but I have thought about you a lot.”
“Be careful out there fighting for our country,” I whispered as I leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips. “Enjoy the race.”
On that note, I quickly got out of the car. “Wait. At least let me walk you up to your apartment.”
I narrowed my eyes as he held up his hands. “I honestly only want to use your bathroom super quick and I swear I’ll behave.”
Before motioning for him to head in, I caught a glimpse of a man standing across the street.
Ugh. He probably just got off by watching us in the car.
Turning quickly, I shut the door and silently made a vow that I’d never try public sex in the daytime ever again.
KATHLEEN WALKED ONTO THE BUS and placed a manila envelope on the counter before turning and looking back at me. “It’s been a while since you’ve sought me out for work.”
Reaching into the refrigerator, I grabbed a beer for each of us. She reached her hand out and happily took it. I popped the top off and took a long drink.
“Congrats on the win by the way.”
With a fake smile, I replied, “Thanks.”
She gave me that look only a mother could give as she waited patiently for me to explain why I had asked her to have Paislie followed for the last few weeks.
“I just w
anted to make sure she’s okay.”
“Did you hurt her? Break up with her or something?”
“Something like that.”
Kathleen dragged in a deep breath and quickly expelled it as she opened the envelope.
“I didn’t do the work. I had one of my guys who works the Dallas area for me on it. From the reports it seems like your girl has had herself buried inside her apartment and barely ever leaves.”
My head pulled back. “Work?”
“She’s going to work, but that’s about all. She does go to St. Patrick’s a lot and recently started going on Sundays.”
I couldn’t help the small smile that played across my face. I knew how much that church and Sister Elizabeth meant to Paislie.
“Looks like she has a friend by the name of Annie McCarthy. She stops by often but they never go out. She usually brings take out and stays for a few hours before leaving.”
My heart sank, but at the same time I was relieved to know Paislie hadn’t been going out or seeing anyone.
“But then today I got a call from my guy. Said he was sending me some pictures. Looks like your girl met someone at a small café earlier this morning. Couldn’t get info on the guy; he was driving a rental car.”
I swallowed hard. “She met a guy? You said she had breakfast with him?”
She smirked and shook her head as she pulled out some pictures. “They had more than breakfast.”
Placing the pictures on the counter, my heart leapt to my throat and I instantly felt sick to my stomach. The pictures showed Paislie on top of the guy in a car.
“Did they . . . were they having sex?” I asked clearing my throat.
Kathleen shook her head. “He said it looked more like foreplay, but at one point the guy had a condom in his mouth and your girl crawled off of him. Finished the job with her hand.”
Turning away before Kathleen could see the rage on my face, I closed my eyes and counted to ten.
I drew in a deep breath and slowly blew it out. “What about after that?”
“He went up to her apartment. My guy had to leave because Paislie looked directly at him so he took off.”
Both hands went up to my head as I pushed my fingers through my hair and cursed under my breath.