She just needed to get out of Vancouver. Get back home and back to her life. Stay busy, and move on.
Then everything would be all right.
THIRTY-ONE
BEING IN NEW YORK SURE AS HELL WASN'T HELPING Will's mood.
It had been two weeks since he last saw Amber. He'd been back at work, had even played against Chicago so he'd seen his parents and his brother.
At least that part had been fun. He'd gone to the bar, had downed a beer with the regulars, showed off the gold medal and shared a meal with Mom and Dad and his brother, Ethan.
He hadn't even mentioned Amber, though his mother had known something was up with him. What was it with moms and their freaky intuition anyway? He told her he was tired from the games and he'd be fine once he got back on schedule.
She didn't believe him. Imagine that.
But now he had a game in New York tomorrow night. They'd just flown in this morning and checked into the hotel. He'd made contact with Drew Hogan, hoping that connecting with Drew might help keep his mind off Amber.
Will had invited Drew out for drinks, but Drew told Will he could just come to his place and they could have lunch. Carolina was out of town on a buying trip and Drew said he'd order takeout for them.
It sounded like a great idea, so Will had a car take him to the nice-looking apartment Drew and Carolina owned on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It was modern and well furnished and, considering the location, very spacious.
Drew opened beers for both of them and they sat on the white leather sofa.
"Guess you can't toss your shit around in this place," Will said.
"I've learned to live a little neater, but I have a game room in here that Carolina lets me slob around in."
"Then why the hell are we sitting in here?"
"Because food's coming soon. I don't know about you, but I'm hungry."
Drew ordered Thai food for them, which sounded great because Will was hungry, too. They ate and drank a couple of beers and talked shit to each other about tomorrow night's game.
"Too bad your goalie's hurt and your team is playing a backup," Will said. "I don't know why you're even bothering to show up."
Drew finished his plate and wiped his hands on his napkin. "Because even with our backup goalie we're going to drag your asses all over the ice?"
Will laughed.
"So are you glad to be back to regular business?" Will asked.
"Hell, yeah. I mean the games were fun, but holy shit that was some pressure. I've got enough pressure going on here."
"Here being the high castle? It is fancy."
Drew leaned back against the sofa. "Yeah, well fancy's going on the market. Carolina's pregnant."
"No shit? Congratulations, man." Will leaned forward to shake Drew's hand. "When's the baby due?"
Drew sprouted a wide smile. It was obvious he was really happy.
"Thanks. Baby's due in August. We're both pretty damned excited about it. But this place"--Drew looked around--"isn't suitable for a baby. So we're moving out of Manhattan."
"Yeah? How's that gonna work with Carolina's fashion career?"
"She has a talented staff of people working under her that can deal with the day-to-day. She intends to take the first year with the baby, and she'll handle a lot of the minutiae from home."
"I'm really happy for you, Drew."
"Thanks. Hey, you and Amber seemed to hit it off. Maybe it won't be long before you're headed in this direction."
"Yeah, that didn't work out."
Drew frowned. "It didn't? Why not?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. I told her how I felt. She just . . . didn't feel the same way."
"I find that hard to believe. She was really into you."
"That's what I thought, but sometimes it doesn't go the way you want it to."
"Huh. I'm sorry, Will."
"Me, too."
The last thing Will wanted to talk about, think about or dwell on was Amber. "But hey, you've got great news and some exciting things to think about. So let's talk about that."
"Oh, yeah. Like putting this place up for sale, buying a house, moving, dealing with a hormonal wife, finishing up this hockey season, trying to figure out the million different baby things to buy and worrying about what kind of dad I'm going to be. Or even if I know what the hell I'm doing."
"See? Like I said. Exciting things to think about." Will shot Drew a grin and a nod.
Drew laughed. "Asshole."
"That's what I'm here for, buddy."
And as long as they could talk about something--anything--other than his wrecked love life--Will would be happy.
Though he wasn't sure he'd ever be happy again.
THIRTY-TWO
AMBER HAD A PERFORMANCE TONIGHT AT MADISON Square Garden. She loved doing a touring performance there, and the crowds were always fantastic.
Normally being in Manhattan would perk her up, since going into the city was always one of her favorite things. Instead, she sat in her hotel room, looking down at the bustle of the city, the traffic, the people, and felt as far removed from it all as she could.
She didn't want to be here.
"You seem down."
Amber lifted her gaze to her mother. "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing. Tell me what's bothering you. Is it one of your fellow skaters?"
Her mother would think that. "No."
"Then what is it?"
She might as well tell her. "I broke up with Will before we left Vancouver."
Mom stared at her for the longest time, then finally nodded. "Well, that's good."
Amber blinked. "Good? How can you say that?"
Her mother came over to her and sat in the chair across from her, taking her hands. "Honey, it frees you. Now you don't have the bonds of that relationship to tie you down. You can concentrate on your skating, on your career, on your future."
Amber jerked her hands away. "That's all you ever think about? My career?"
She stood and paced the room, her heart aching.
"Sweetie, you'll feel differently when you have some time--and some distance. You have so much to look forward to. Don't look back."
Amber pivoted and glared at her mother. "He told me he loved me. And I never told him I loved him, Mom. Which I do. I love him."
Her mother waved her hand back and forth. "You hardly know him. You'll get over it."
She stared at her mother, unable to fathom her lack of empathy. "I'll get over it? How can you say that like my feelings mean nothing?"
Her mother leaned back in the chair. "What do you know about love, anyway, Amber? You've never even dated. You were in a bubble at the games. It was a fling."
Amber sighed. "It was more than a fling. I love him, Mom. He loved me. And I hurt him."
"Give it some time. You'll move on. You have your career to think about. Now's not the time to get involved with someone. There are big things on the horizon for you. That's what you should be focusing on right now."
She sat across from her mother, wishing she understood. "Just once I'd like you to consider my feelings."
"What do you want me to say? What do you want from me, Amber?"
"You know what I'd like? Just once, I'd like you to act like my mother instead of my manager or my coach or my trainer. I'd like you to be sympathetic to my feelings, instead of thinking of me as a figure skater. I'm hurting here, Mom, and all you can think about is how awesome it is that I broke up with the man I love because now my relationship won't get in the way of my career.
"You know what I expected of my mother? A little empathy. Maybe a hug. That maybe you would actually care that my heart is broken. Instead, all you care about is how it affects my career. That's not what a mother does. That's what a manager does. I don't need a manager. I need a mother. I've always needed a mother and you've never been one to me. And that breaks my heart."
She was crying by the time she finished. She'd never been so outspoken with her mother, but it had
felt like a catharsis. She'd held all that emotion inside for years and it needed to come out. And now that it had, she wouldn't take it back.
Her mother stared at her, giving her that same judgmental look she'd given her her entire life. "I've always done what was best for you."
"I know you did. And I'm so appreciative to you and Dad for everything you've given me. I've had a wonderful career. Now I need you to step up and be my mother."
She waited for the lecture. And waited for her mother to blow up at her.
"I'm . . . I'm sorry, Amber. I had no idea."
Amber was shocked.
"I've been so hyperfocused on your career, that maybe I have overlooked the emotional side. As you know, I'm not very emotional myself. But I can see you get your emotional side from your father. It's a part of you I'll probably never be able to understand. But I can learn to appreciate it."
"So you do love Dad?"
Her mother frowned. "Of course, I love your father. We've been married for twenty-seven years."
"You can be married and not love the person you're married to."
"Well, what would be the point of staying married to someone you don't love? I love your father, Amber. I always have. I always will."
"But you're not . . . affectionate with each other."
"In front of you, no. In public, no. That's just not how your father and I operate. We prefer to keep our . . . passion for each other private."
She could tell how uncomfortable this conversation was for her mother. "I appreciate your honesty. And I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable."
"Profoundly uncomfortable. But it's important for you to understand that just because we don't show emotion doesn't mean we don't feel it. Your father and I love you very much, Amber. We always have."
Amber felt a swell of emotion. "Thank you. I love you, too, Mom. But I need you to know that skating isn't my entire life. I love it. But I don't know that I want to become a professional skater. And I'm not sure about the dance thing. And I think I have to fire you as my manager."
Her mother blinked. "Oh . . . okay. Why?"
"Because it's high time you and I have a mother-daughter relationship. I think I've reached a point in my life where I really need a mom."
Her mother's eyes welled with tears. "Very well, then. I can accept that and I will switch my focus in the future to giving motherly advice only."
Amber smiled. "Thank you."
"So tell me what happened between you and Will."
Now they were getting somewhere. For the first time, Amber had hope. Not that she thought her mother would give her good advice, but they were talking, and it wasn't all about skating, so they had a start.
They talked for a couple of hours, and then her mother left. They'd even hugged, and it was a genuine hug.
But she still had no answers for her misery about Will.
Maybe getting outside would help. It was cold, but it wasn't raining or snowing, so some fresh air might clear her head. She put on her coat and hat and grabbed her gloves and her purse, then took the elevator downstairs and went outside, joining the hum of humanity.
She walked briskly, keeping up with the flow of people going to and from--wherever they were going. They all walked with a sense of purpose and confidence, something she was decidedly lacking in.
These past couple of weeks had been utterly miserable. She was utterly miserable.
Even with the gold medal, she didn't enjoy skating anymore.
And, worse, she missed Will.
She lacked that sense of purpose, and her heart hurt. She'd had several conversations with Lisa since she'd gotten home. Lisa had invited her back to Vancouver, had told Amber she could come to her house and just chill and chat.
She'd been tempted, but that would be hiding. She couldn't hide from what she'd done. She had to face it.
She walked for a while until she ended up in Times Square, a bustling activity center for tourists. She found a place out of the way of pedestrian traffic and looked up at the video screens.
Something immediately caught her eye and she turned back to look at the news and sports screen, waiting for it to repeat. It took several minutes, but when it did, her heart leaped.
The St. Louis Ice were in town to play the New York Travelers tonight. Which meant Will was here.
She pulled out her phone.
Don't do it. You already hurt him.
What would it accomplish to see him? To hurt him even more? Or could she repair the damage she'd done?
She walked for over an hour before sending the text message, knowing she had to do it. Because she'd made a huge mistake in Vancouver.
And she had to make it right.
THIRTY-THREE
WILL STARED AT THE TEXT MESSAGE, UNABLE TO BELIEVE he and Amber had found themselves in the same city at the same time.
She was performing at Madison Square Garden tonight. She asked if he'd be willing to see her. She wanted to talk.
What the hell did they have left to talk about? She'd made her feelings clear in Vancouver. She didn't feel it with him.
But, God, he missed her. You didn't fall out of love with someone you were in love with overnight. Those feelings were still there, and his heart jumped when her name came up on the message.
Meeting with her would be stupid. He could get over her faster if he just cut ties.
But maybe he needed to say good-bye. He'd been so shocked by what she said in Vancouver that all he could think to do was walk away.
He shouldn't do it. More good-byes would only hurt more.
Yeah, but he was an adult, and this wasn't his first breakup. The only way to get through saying good-bye to someone you loved was to actually say good-bye, to close that door for good.
He could handle it. And then he could move on.
He texted her back letting her know he'd be at Madison Square Garden tonight, and he'd meet with her after her performance.
He got in touch with the ticket center and reserved a ticket.
Then he sucked in a breath.
Okay, man. Time to say good-bye.
THIRTY-FOUR
WILL SAT IN THE CROWD AND WATCHED AS ALL THE skaters--some of them his friends--performed.
Telisa and Robbie made an incredible pair, on and off the ice. They were amazing and the love they had for each other showed in their skating.
Brandon put on a hell of a show, too. So did Rory and Tia, and hell, he liked all of these people. It was great to see them all again.
When Amber came out, he couldn't help but feel that squeeze of pain in his chest. But hell if she didn't look like the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Her hair was up tonight, and she looked like a mermaid in her multicolored skating outfit, all blue and green and purple. Like a siren, she called to the audience, mesmerizing everyone with the way she moved, her jumps so damn perfect he wondered how she did them.
But something was different tonight, something that wasn't there the night she won the medal. She lacked that passion, that love and energy he'd felt when he'd watched her in Vancouver.
Obviously no one else noticed it because the audience cheered like crazy for her, which was good.
But there had definitely been something lacking.
After it was over, he went backstage and gave his name. Amber had texted him and told him she'd have a backstage pass for him. Security gave him the pass and he strung it around his neck, then followed the guard's instructions and made his way down the hall and to the right to Amber's dressing room.
He sucked in a breath and knocked on the door.
She opened the door, her face scrubbed clean from all the glitter and eyeliner and lipstick she wore when she performed. She wore a flowered robe that showcased her legs.
"Hi, Will."
He nodded. "Amber."
"Come on in."
He walked in and she closed the door.
"Thanks for coming."
He turned to face her. "You looked good tonight."
br /> "Thanks."
This was so awkward, but he was here, so . . . "Your performance was off."
She cocked her head to the side. "It was? How so?"
"It lacked passion. It's like you didn't put all of yourself into it or something. It wasn't anything like your skate that night in Vancouver."
She sank onto the chair. "You're right. I don't feel it anymore. I haven't since the night you and I--"
He went over and sat next to her. "Why?"
"Why what? Why don't I feel it anymore?"
"I guess."
He heard her sigh. "I don't know, Will. I guess that night in Vancouver I was inspired. You'd told me you loved me. I skated with my heart filled with love. And now it's not there anymore."
He let out a short laugh. "You ended things with me, Amber."
"I know. And I need to be honest with you about that. It wasn't because I didn't have feelings for you. I did--I do. I still do. I was just afraid that we'd end up like your last relationship."
"What do you mean?"
"We were talking about doing the long distance thing. And that's what blew up your relationship before, because it didn't work out."
It finally dawned on him. "Oh. So you thought we'd end up the same way."
"Yes. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought if I ended things with you then, I could spare you being hurt again down the road."
"You know you and I aren't like my last relationship."
"I know that. But I was afraid and I thought you'd end up hurt. That we'd end up hurting each other, and I didn't want that." She shuddered out a sigh and he saw the tears in her eyes. "I made a mess of everything. I hurt you, I hurt myself. God, I've missed you so much. I love you, Will. I just don't know how we could have made this work."
He should be pissed. But how could he be when all she'd done was try to avoid hurting him. "Okay, a couple of things. First, don't ever lie to me about how you feel ever again."
"Okay."
"Second, the reason my last relationship ended was because neither of us was that heavily invested in making it work. That's what love is all about, Amber. When you find that person you want to be with, you'll move mountains to make it work."
"Oh."
"And third, you never gave us a chance to try."
He saw how hard she was fighting to hold the tears back.
"I'm so sorry. You're right. I totally screwed this up and all I ask is for you to forgive me. I don't expect you to want to be with me. I just want you to understand why I did it. It wasn't out of malice, and God, I did love you. I do love you."