Absentmindedly, he nodded, his eyes looking down into hers. “I am glad,” he whispered. “She deserves to be happy.”
Ellie shivered as his breath tickled her skin, and for a short moment, she forgot everything around her. Nothing mattered. Not her scars. Not his grief. Not the distance between them. In that moment, Ellie felt like her old self, and an old instinct took over, an instinct fuelled by desire.
Without conscious thought, Ellie found her hand moving upward until it curled around his neck. All the while, his eyes remained on hers, and although he did not draw her into his arms, neither did he withdraw from her.
His lips were so close that Ellie could smell the hint of mint tea on his breath. More than anything, she wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss him.
Before she could make up her mind, he suddenly blinked, and the spell was broken.
Eyes flitting around the room, lingering anywhere but on hers, Frederick cleared his throat. As he stepped back, her hand fell to her side. “I apologise, my lady,” he croaked, then bowed to her and quickly departed.
Staring after him, Ellie tried to maintain her composure. She knew he needed time, and still, that knowledge did not keep away the pain that invaded her heart. The only comfort she could draw around herself like a thick blanket on a cold winter’s day was that for a moment he, too, had seemed tempted.
What had ultimately made him withdraw? She wondered. Had it been her scars? Or rather a scar of his own?
If she only knew.
Shaking her head, Ellie forced her thoughts back to the present. Even though he had not kissed her, the distance between them did not seem as insurmountable as it had before. Step by step, she was bridging the gap, and eventually, he would come to realise that there was no need to protect himself from her.
She only had to be patient.
Feeling the sudden need to move in her limbs, Ellie returned upstairs and changed into her riding habit. The careful control she had to exhibit around her husband proved a greater strain on her nerves than she had anticipated, and a chase across the green pastures around Elmridge would surely allow her to release some of that strain.
Striding across the front court with long strides, Ellie wondered where Betty was. She had not responded to her ringing. Was she still in the stables looking for Mathilda? Ellie hoped she would find her there and put her mind at ease. The child was safe, after all.
Entering the stables, Ellie welcomed the smell of fresh hay. She inhaled deeply, and a smile spread over her face. Compared to the blinding sunshine outside, the dim light in the stable proved soothing to Ellie’s nerves, and she welcomed the peaceful silence around her.
Until a soft giggle echoed to her ears.
Instantly, her head snapped around, eyes staring down the aisle between the two rows of boxes. Betty?
For a moment, Ellie remained rooted to the spot as her ears listened intently, and she tried to understand the sounds she was hearing.
Betty was not alone. From the quiet whispers she heard, Ellie suspected it to be Peter, the stable master.
Intrigued, Ellie quietly proceeded down the aisle. A part of her knew she should simply re-turn to the house and pretend none of this had happened. However, another part of her wondered what exactly was happening.
Feeling the almost desperate need to confirm her suspicions and satisfy her curiosity, Ellie placed one foot before the other, always careful not to make a sound and alarm the two people so lost in each other. Every time she approached on open door to an empty horsebox, her breath caught in her throat and her heart hammered as though it wanted to burst from her chest. Only upon seeing that the box was indeed empty−not only of horses but also people−did it resume at a more normal rhythm.
By the time Ellie reached the far wall of the stable with only one more box on either side of the aisle, her skin was crawling with anticipation held in check. Almost swaying on her feet, she balled her hands into fists and forced her nerves back under control. Oh, how humiliating it would be to be discovered by them now!
Taking a deep breath, she leaned forward, her ears humming with the sounds of pleasure rising from the box to her left. Back pressed against the wall, Ellie peeked around the corner, and once again, her breath caught in her throat.
Arms wrapped around each other, Betty and Peter stood leaning against the far wall. Holding her close, Peter trailed kisses down her neck while his hands eagerly explored her body. To El-lie’s relief, Betty’s eyes remained closed as she arched her neck and bit her lip.
A rush of heat flooded Ellie’s cheeks at the sight; however, she couldn’t seem to avert her eyes. When Peter lifted his head and captured Betty’s lips, Ellie felt like she would faint any second. Her heart hammered in her chest, and a wave of desire washed over her. Why was it that Frederick’s touch didn’t make her feel like this?
Because he barely touches you, her voice of reason whispered.
Stepping back, Ellie leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes. Her ears, though, still listened to the cacophony of sounds the two lovers made, and a sudden anger came to Ellie’s heart. How dare Frederick keep that from her? As her husband, was it not his responsibility to teach her the pleasures of the marriage bed? Then, why hadn’t he?
Looking down at her burned hands, Ellie swallowed as tears came to her eyes. Did he not desire her? She had to know. Somehow she had to find out if they could ever have what she had witnessed today.
Chapter Twenty-Two – The One Question
All night, the images of Betty and Peter danced before her eyes, and more than ever, Ellie wished that Frederick would come to her.
But he didn’t. He hadn’t, not since the garden party.
The next morning, when she joined the rest of the family in the breakfast parlour, Ellie felt a deep flush come to her cheeks as she met her husband’s eyes.
Without thinking, she quickly averted her own.
“Are you all right, my lady?” he asked, his voice tinged by concern and a hint of curiosity. “You seem rather flustered.”
A slight gasp escaped her lips before she once more raised her eyes to his. “I am fine. Thank you.”
For a moment, his gaze remained on hers as though trying to decipher what she would not tell him, and as though he could read her thoughts, he suddenly blinked and returned his gaze to the plate before him, clearing his throat. “I am glad,” he mumbled into his muffin.
Intrigued, Ellie watched him. Had he somehow known the line of her thoughts? Had there been something in her eyes that had told him about her desires? Could he somehow tell that she wanted nothing more but to feel his lips on hers, his hands on her body?
Blushing at her own thoughts, Ellie smiled into her napkin.
Walking the gardens after breakfast, lost in her own thoughts, Ellie started when Maryann suddenly came upon her. Hand clutched to her chest, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“I apologise,” her sister-in-law said. “I did not mean to startle you. Are you all right?”
“Do not worry,” Ellie assured her. “I was just…thinking.”
“And smiling,” Maryann added, a big grin on her face.
“I was?”
Nodding her head, Maryann drew Ellie toward the bench under the oak tree by the water fountain. “Tell me what is going on. I have never seen you smile like that or, at least, not until breakfast this morning.”
Ellie’s eyes grew round, and she stared at her friend.
“Don’t worry. No one else saw,” she chuckled, “except for Frederick, I suppose.”
Burying her heated cheeks in her hands, Ellie sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”
“About what?” Maryann asked. “Tell me what is on your mind. I can see that something has changed between the two of you.”
Licking her lips, Ellie didn’t know where to begin. She did not want to compromise Betty and Peter, and yet, she needed to tell someone or she would burst. “Well, yesterday I saw something or rather someone and
they…” Seeing the frown on Maryann’s face, Ellie knew she needed to be a lot more explicit in order for her friend to understand what she was talking about. “All right, but you have to promise me not to breath a word to anyone about what I am about to tell you.”
Taking Ellie’s hands in hers, Maryann nodded. “I promise.”
Relieved, Ellie took a deep breath. “Yesterday, I wanted to go for a ride. However, when I came to the stables, I…I heard something.” Again, she saw a puzzled look on Maryann’s face. “So, I walked past the row of boxes to the far wall, and there in the last box, I found…Betty and Peter.” Biting her lower lip, Ellie looked at her friend.
For a moment, Maryann just looked back at her before her eyes opened wide and an astonished “Oh!” escaped her lips. Shifting in her seat, she swallowed. “You mean, they were…?”
As more heat rose to her cheeks, Ellie nodded.
“All right,” Maryann mumbled as though to herself before her eyes once more rose to meet Ellie’s. “May I ask? How does seeing them make you smile? I don’t understand. I thought something had happened between you and Frederick.”
“Well, I…eh…” Wringing her hands, Ellie sighed. “To be honest, I am a little uncomfortable talking about this.” She shook her head, trying to decide what to do. “And yet, I feel like I need to because I really don’t know what to do.”
An understanding smile on her face, Maryann looked at her with gentle eyes. “Again, I promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone. Please, do not feel as though you cannot talk to me. After all, it was you who reminded me how important it is to be able to express your feelings and have someone listen.” She took Ellie’s hands in hers. “You did that for me. Please, allow me to do the same for you.”
Touched, Ellie smiled at her friend. “You’re right. And believe me it is not that I do not trust you to keep this to yourself. It is just a little embarrassing. To tell you the truth, I am not sure how I feel about it myself.”
“All right,” Maryann said. “I think I understand. From what you have said so far, I assume…it has something to do with the marriage bed.” As a slight flush rose to Maryann’s own cheeks, she glanced into Ellie’s eyes. “Am I right?”
Ellie nodded, a sense of relief washing over her. “You are.” Taking a deep breath, Ellie tried to put all her contradicting emotions into words that Maryann could understand. “From what I saw at the stables, I think that…eh…Betty enjoyed Peter’s touch.” Saying out loud what she had thought about all night felt oddly liberating, and yet, a hint of humiliation came to her heart at revealing her innermost thoughts to someone else.
“And you don’t enjoy Frederick’s?” Maryann asked. Although Ellie could clearly see that her friend felt rather uncomfortable discussing this topic as well, Maryann would not be deterred, determined to return the gesture of friendship Ellie had given her.
“He barely touches me,” Ellie admitted, her head bowed as though revealing a character flaw of her own. “And he hasn’t come to my bed in weeks. Quite obviously, he did not enjoy it, either.” Taking a deep breath, Ellie looked at Maryann. “Can I ask you? What was it like for you and Leopold?”
Maryann swallowed. However, the hint of sadness that still lingered in her eyes at the mention of her husband’s name was quickly replaced by a delighted twinkle. She met Ellie’s eyes then, and a smile spread over her face. “It was always very…enjoyable. For both of us.”
“From the way you speak about him, I thought it had been,” Ellie said. “Just as it is for Betty and Peter. Is it only if two people are in love? I cannot help but wonder. Betty clearly loves Peter. She’s been humming and singing for weeks now, and a constant smile decorates her features. Now, I know why.” Ellie squeezed Maryann’s hand. “And I know that you and Leopold loved each other very much.”
Maryann drew a deep breath and nodded, tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. “We did,” she mumbled and dabbed at her eyes. Then she shook off the sadness that had claimed her so suddenly and turned to Ellie. “But you do care for Frederick, do you not?”
“I do,” Ellie admitted. “I just don’t know if he cares for me.” When Maryann opened her mouth to object, Ellie stopped her. “Listen, I know that he is a kind man and that the past holds its sway over him. I also know that…well, I think that he likes me, the person I am inside. And every now and then, when our eyes meet, I think that there could be more, but he always turns away and leaves.” Ellie swallowed, trying to keep her wits about her as dark emotions encroached on her heart. “I suppose what I am wondering is if he could ever feel about me the way that Leopold felt about you. I know I am not beautiful anymore, but am I truly so hideous that he could never enjoy touching me? I think it is mostly this question that is holding me back. Yesterday, I almost kissed him, but then…I wasn’t brave enough. I don’t know if I could live with his rejection. Maybe I’d rather not know.” Again, Ellie took a deep breath, finally realising the one question she needed to have answered. “So, I suppose what I want to know, what I need to know is, is it my scars keeping us apart or his?”
“Why don’t you ask him?” Maryann suggested. “I’d think not knowing, always wondering is worse than anything else. It will torment you for the rest of your life.”
Ellie nodded. “I know it will, but even if I could find the courage to ask him, would he tell me the truth? Or would he simply lie to spare my feelings?”
Maryann remained silent.
“No, asking him will not give me an honest answer,” Ellie determined. “The problem is I don’t know what will. And until I find out what is standing between us, nothing will ever change.”
Chapter Twenty-Three – A Message
Spending his days locked up in his study, Frederick noticed the veil of detachment once again fall over his heart. By now, he knew that the good always came with the bad. He could not experience joy without pain, and the pain that lived in his heart would overwhelm him should he ever dare release it. And so he kept himself isolated from the people around him. He had noticed smiles and laughter returning to the manor, and a small part of him was glad for his family. However, another, larger part of him did not care, at all.
A knock on the door shifted his attention from the papers before him.
Wilton entered, giving a slight bow. “You have a visitor, my lord. Lady Charlotte.”
The blood drained from his face as Frederick stared at his butler. His muscles grew tense, and the pain in his heart strained against its shackles.
Swallowing, Frederick rose to his feet. “See her in.”
Wilton bowed and left, returning moments later with Charlotte in his wake.
Her usually glowing eyes seemed dim as they met his. Hair tucked back under her hat, she did not look like the young woman she was. Incredible sadness tainted her beautiful features, and the weight of her stare almost brought Frederick to his knees. Looking at her, he couldn’t help but wonder where she found the strength to rise in the morning.
“Hello Frederick,” she greeted him, and her voice sounded as weak as her body looked. In fact, she seemed almost terminally ill, and Frederick had to keep himself from taking her by the elbow and escorting her to the seats under the window front.
“Charlotte,” he whispered instead, glancing past her at the closed door. “Did you not bring your mother?”
An almost soundless chuckle rose from her throat. “I do not care about my reputation. Any hopes for a future died with Kenneth.”
Frederick took a deep breath as her eyes remained fixed on his. He felt as though he was being weighed. At a loss, he offered her a refreshment, but she declined.
Instead, she walked over to the armchair facing his desk and sat down. Opening her reticule, she drew out a letter. “I came to give you this.”
Reaching out, Frederick took the letter from her hand. As his eyes slid over the front, he recognised Kenneth’s handwriting, To Sir Frederick Lancaster.
As the world began to spin before his eyes, Frederi
ck sank into his chair. Staring at Charlotte across the desk, he noticed that her eyes were still focused on him. She didn’t even blink.
“It’s all right,” she said. “Open it.”
Running his fingers over the smooth paper, Frederick hesitated. “How did you get this?”
“Before you left for the war, Kenneth gave me a small box.” She swallowed, then drew in a deep breath. “He made me promise only to open it should he not return home. It sat on my vanity all this time. I looked at it every day. At first, I hoped I would never know what was inside, that he would come home safe and sound. But then, when…” For a moment, she closed her eyes. “I couldn’t bring myself to open it. Opening it would mean he was truly gone.” Her eyes once again dug a hole into his soul. “I only opened it this morning.”
“I see,” Frederick mumbled, not knowing what to say. The pain he saw etched in her eyes echoed through his heart, and his own strained against its shackles with greater force.
Once more, his eyes returned to the letter in his hand, and for a second, he could almost believe that Kenneth was still alive. His finger skimmed the words written there, and Frederick wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what message lay beneath.
“He left me a letter as well,” Charlotte said, her eyes resting on his. “I haven’t opened it yet. I need you to open yours first.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “I just do.” She swallowed. “Do you mind?”
Breaking the seal, Frederick drew out the single sheet of paper. Gently, he unfolded it, then turned his eyes to his friend’s writing.
Dear Rick,
I feel compelled to write this letter because in my heart I know I shall not return. I cannot say what makes me certain of this, but the need to protect those I love still remains.
All my life, you’ve been the brother I never had. I love you dearly, and I know that we were always meant to walk through life side by side. From where I am now, I will continue to watch over you, be assured of that, for I know that guilt now resides in your heart.