Joe walked in the side door, my eyes went to him, his eyes were already on me and he said, “Hey buddy.”
I smiled at him. “Hey Joe.”
He came right at me, hooked an arm around my waist, his head bent and his mouth hit mine for a short, hard, closed-mouthed kiss.
“Where are the girls?” he asked when he lifted his head and during the time I was thinking that my mood wasn’t unpredictable anymore now that Joe was home and he’d given me a kiss (not to mention, him asking meant he didn’t know Keira was at Costa’s which meant he hadn’t given her money).
“Kate and Dane are at a movie. Keira is at Costa’s with Heather’s family,” I informed him, he nodded but made no comment so I went on to ask, “You hungry?”
“Could eat.”
“Have a taste for anything?”
His eyes got intense and one side of his mouth went up in a grin, a new look, one that made my legs wobble.
I ignored my legs wobbling and prompted him to focus, “For food.”
He let me go and muttered, “Steak.”
“We don’t have steak,” I told him.
“I’ll go out and get some,” he replied, picking up my mail and beginning to sift through it.
“I’ll make a quick list and go with you,” I told him and he again didn’t speak as I went to the fridge and got the pad of paper with the magnet on the back that was on the fridge door then I opened the junk drawer and got a pen.
I was scratching down items to go with steak when Joe spoke.
“You need to call your bank and I’ll give you Lindy’s number so you can arrange to transfer your direct debits for the mortgage to my account.”
My head came up and my surprised eyes went to him.
“What?” I asked.
He threw my mail down and turned to me, not answering my question but instead saying, “Utilities too. Lindy’ll handle it.”
“What?” I repeated.
“Mortgage and utilities to my accounts,” Joe answered and I changed my question.
“Why?”
“Why?” Joe repeated.
“Yes, um… why?”
“Live here, buddy,” Joe answered.
“Yes, but, that’s –”
Joe cut me off. “Pay my way.”
I shook my head with confusion then I got it and said, “Okay, I’m cool with that but you can just give me a percentage, a quarter is fair.”
“Pay your way too.”
I blinked, back to confused. “I don’t understand.”
Joe leaned a hip to the counter and he studied me before asking, “What don’t you understand?”
“Paying my way. I mean, that’s generous but unnecessary. And it’s really unnecessary to change the direct debits for the mortgage and utilities for just a couple of months.”
Joe’s eyebrows went up and his face darkened before he asked softly, “A couple of months?”
“Yes, if you want to contribute while you’re stayin’, I’m happy for you to do that. But you don’t have to pay it all and we don’t have to switch the direct debits because I’ll only have to switch them back and that’s a pain in the ass.”
“While I’m stayin’?” Joe asked, he was studying me even closer and he was beginning to look a little scary.
“Yes, while you’re stayin’, until your house gets renovated.”
“Sellin’ the house once it’s done, Vi, told you that.”
“Yes, well…” I trailed off because it dawned on me rather belatedly that if he was selling his house that would mean he was moving, not living next door anymore. Then it hit me that he had a place in Florida and I wondered if that was where he was moving which meant long distance relationship or, even worse, an end to “us”.
And if it was Florida that would mean an end he already knew before he even moved in.
On that thought, my mood swung straight back to unpredictable and I asked somewhat sharply, “Where are you goin’ after the house is renovated?”
“Not goin’ anywhere.”
“But if you’re selling –”
“I’m staying here.”
“Yes, but, then your house will be sold and fall is coming, winter’s after that. Are you going to Florida?”
Joe put a hand to the counter and leaned slightly toward me. “Vi, stick with me, yeah? I’m staying here.”
He was getting impatient but then again so was I.
Not to mention I wasn’t all that thrilled with him being patronizing.
“Yes, I know that, Joe. But what about after? You said you spent the winter in Florida. Is that where you’re heading?”
“No, I’m staying here.”
“For how long?” I asked.
“Jesus. For long enough to pay the fucking mortgage and utilities,” he answered, losing patience. “How long’s that say to you I’m stayin’?”
I stared at him, uncomprehending then I comprehended and my mouth dropped open.
Joe noticed and said with mild but undeniable sarcasm, “That’s it, baby, I see it’s penetrated.”
I was moving from impatient to angry, as well as still confused with just a hint of afraid, a volatile combination.
“You’re moving in?”
I watched as his eyebrows snapped together before he said, “I’m already in.”
“Yes, for two months,” I returned.
“No, for good,” he shot back.
I shook my head, stunned at this news and said, “I didn’t agree to that.”
“I didn’t exactly give you a choice, seein’ as you were playin’ games, fuckin’ another guy and I needed to stake my claim. I did, I’m here, I’m stayin’.”
The confused and afraid slid away, the angry snapped right into place.
“What did you just say?” I whispered.
“You heard me.”
“I wasn’t fucking Mike,” I snapped.
“Right,” he replied, the sarcasm less mild this time.
“I wasn’t!” My voice was rising.
Joe’s voice didn’t rise, it got lower which was even scarier. “He was caught on your hook. I’ve had a fair taste of you, Vi, man only gets that caught if he’s had a taste.”
I could not believe him.
I planted my hands on my hips and retorted, “Yes, Joe, he had a taste. That’s all he had.”
Joe’s face went full-on scary when he returned, “I’ll say it once, buddy, not a good idea to tell me about that shit.”
“We were over!”
“We’ve never been over, we started when you begged me to fuck you and we’ve never been fucking over.”
“You broke it off with me twice!” Yes, my voice was definitely rising.
“Not twice, it was you who tried to end it the second time.”
“I did end it.”
“Not even close.”
“We were over!” I repeated.
“We weren’t fuckin’ over.”
“We were!”
“Vi, since we started I been home twice when you weren’t in my fuckin’ bed. How the fuck is that over?”
I didn’t know if this was true, though I reckoned it was, but it didn’t matter. We were still over. However I knew I’d never convince Joe of that.
Therefore, I snapped, “It’s ridiculous to fight about this.”
“You’re absolutely right,” he bit out, making it sound like I was the one being ridiculous.
Not liking that one bit, I therefore declared, “You’re not movin’ in for good.”
His face went from scary to sinister, he took two steps toward me, his legs being long meaning this brought him into my space and he looked down at me.
“I’m in,” he clipped.
“You can’t be. This is too fast. The girls –”
“Yeah, the girls. Better for them I move in then move out for no fuckin’ reason then move fuckin’ in again?”
It pissed me off but he had a point so I changed strategies.
“We haven’t eve
n been on a date!” I cried.
He stared at me like he didn’t know who I was then he muttered irately, “Jesus Christ.”
“Joe –” I started but his hand came up, it did this fast, he hooked me at the back of my neck and pulled me in and up. I fell into his body, my hands going to his chest, he bent at the waist and neck and his face was an inch from mine.
“As fuckin’ ridiculous and clueless as you’re bein’ right now, when you aren’t bein’ that, this is us, this is good, this is where we are and this is where we’re stayin’. I’m not dickin’ around with you anymore. I told you, I’m movin’ in and I’m sellin’ my house. Sellin’ my house means I’d have no house which means I’m moving in.” Then he finished, now sounding not only angry but also frustrated at my stupidity. “Christ, Vi, what did you think?”
I didn’t back down even knowing he was losing more of his temper, he was bigger than me, stronger than me and scarier than me. “Obviously, I thought you were staying until your house got renovated.”
“Yeah, to get sold. Then what?”
“I didn’t think about that!”
“No, you didn’t, but that didn’t mean I didn’t fuckin’ tell you.”
“You didn’t spell it out either!” I snapped.
“Maybe you might wanna learn to come to the obvious conclusion,” he suggested.
“And maybe you might wanna learn that this is me this is how I am. I’ve always got a million things on my mind. I don’t need more so you need to spell it out.”
He didn’t reply, just kept his mouth shut but I saw a muscle flex in his jaw.
“We need to talk about you moving in,” I went on and his other arm went around me at the waist, pulling me into his body and he did this hard so my hands were caught between us.
“I’m in.”
“Joe –”
He cut me off saying, “Seventeen years… no, longer… I’ve been waitin’ for you, waitin’ for those girls. You’re here and I’m lettin’ go of my shit, finally fuckin’ movin’ on from all that, movin’ on to something good in my life, something to wake up and get outta bed for and I’m not leavin’ it because of some hang up you have. You and me, I haven’t made it easy, I’ll admit that, but that’s done. You gotta get over it or you’re never gonna move on. I’m movin’ on, Kate and Keira are movin’ with me. It’s only you who’s gotta keep the fuck up.”
I felt winded again so I had to force out my, “Joe –”
“And I’m not livin’ under the cloud of how it began, Vi. I fucked up, you know why, I explained it. You don’t accept that, you keep handin’ me this shit, we’ll have problems we can’t overcome and then I’ll move on a different way and you’ll be right back where you fuckin’ started.”
I felt my body get tight. “Are you threatening to leave?”
“I’m not livin’ under that cloud,” he repeated.
“How can you threaten to leave when you’re arguing about staying?” I demanded to know (and I did this loudly).
“God fucking dammit,” he bit out, his voice nearly a snarl then he let me go, turned away, ripped the sheet of paper off the top of the pad and stated, “I’m gettin’ steaks. Sort your fuckin’ head out while I’m gone.”
And as I stood in the kitchen staring at him, he whistled for the dog and both Mooch and Joe walked out (well, Mooch kind of trotted), they went to his truck and they drove to the store.
Why he took Mooch, I had no idea and I was too angry to care.
The time he spent at the store I did not spend, as ordered, sorting my “fuckin’” head out. Instead, I spent it thinking Joe was a jerk and I should never have started it with him. I spent more time thinking this was never going to work, primarily because he was a jerk.
He arrived home with two bags of groceries in one hand, his phone at his ear in his other hand and Mooch, in doggie heaven after getting a ride in Joe’s truck, at his heels.
He stayed on the phone while I started up the grill for the steaks and seasoned them (I also seasoned good steaks, salt and pepper, seasoning salt and Worcestershire sauce, brilliant), put some new potatoes on the boil and got the water ready for the peas when they needed to go in.
Then I took the steaks to the grill and was in the beginning processes of ruining them (with Tina sitting on her deck, reading a magazine and drinking a cocktail) when Joe came out and plucked the fork right out of my hand.
“I’m grilling steaks,” I snapped, glaring up at him.
“Yeah, now I’m grilling steaks,” Joe clipped back then fiddled with the knobs.
“What are you doing? I have it like I want it.”
“It’s too hot, Vi.”
“So?”
“You’re gonna burn ‘em.”
I crossed my arms on my chest, threw out a foot, tilted a hip and shot back, “I’ve been doing things just fine for nearly two years without your help, I think I can grill a couple fucking steaks.”
He glowered at me, I glared right back then he said, “Right,” handed me the fork and walked away.
I turned back to the grill, saw Tina smirking in my direction, I ignored her, readjusted the knobs and finished ruining the steaks.
Joe didn’t get a chance to eat his ruined steak since he took off, not saying good-bye.
I added that to my list of reasons why he needed to move the fuck out right, fucking, away.
Keira and Kate were both home before Joe and they both asked where he was. Since he didn’t tell me, I didn’t have an answer. They decided, wisely, not to pursue it. They had, I didn’t realize, been around when Tim and I fought and they knew, I didn’t realize, that I could hold a mean grudge. So they steered clear.
In fact it was dark, the girls were asleep and I was in bed by the time Joe got home and I’d been in bed a really long time.
Long enough to cool down, get my head sorted out and remember three things.
One, Joe didn’t have seventeen years with a partner to practice communication. Hell, I did have that time and Tim and I often got into tiffs, mainly because he was hot-headed and when my temper blew, it blew huge. I didn’t know how long Joe and Bonnie were married but I didn’t figure she was that good of a communicator and he certainly wasn’t. I needed to cut him some slack.
Two, Jackie told me that the only way sure to fail was to give up and that was always the first thing on my mind, giving up on Joe. I needed to stop doing that.
And three, right in the middle of a fight he said he’d waited seventeen years (even longer) for me and my girls. I hadn’t waited that long to find him but the time after losing Tim to finding Joe wasn’t fun and I never wanted to repeat that again so I couldn’t imagine waiting seventeen years to find someone I gave a shit enough about to try out a life with them. After all that time, we’d given him something to wake up and get out of bed for, he told me that too, and that was huge. So I also needed to stop being a bitch.
I heard him enter the house then our room then I heard his clothes hit the floor and, seconds later, I felt it as he hit the bed.
I rolled into him instantly.
His body got tight.
“In no mood, buddy,” he growled this warning, clearly not done being mad.
“I was a bitch,” I replied, his body got tighter and I pressed closer and kept talking. “I didn’t think it through, I have too much on my mind but you’re important, I should have thought it through and I shouldn’t have lost my temper when I was caught off guard.” I kissed his neck and whispered in his ear, “I’m sorry, Joe.”
He didn’t reply, his body still taut, and kept his silence for long enough for me to take a deep breath and a big risk and do everything I could not to give up on Joe.
So I slid to straddling him. His hands came to my hips and gripped them, probably to push me off but I put my hands to either side of his head, dipped my face close to his, held on and peered at him through the dark.
“I’m gonna piss you off, honey, probably enough for you to want to leave. I’ve got
a temper and so do you, we’re gonna clash. It won’t feel good, it’ll feel not worth it sometimes but, you leave me, I’ll wait for you to come back. And you’ll come back because, something we’ve both learned, this, what we have is worth getting over it. Whatever it is that ticks us off or holds us back, we know it’s worth fighting for. I won’t give up on you, Joe, I promise. I just need you to promise the same thing.”
He remained silent and I started getting scared so I tilted my head so our foreheads were touching.
“Baby, don’t give up on me,” I whispered.
“Buddy, I came home,” he replied and it hit me that he did and it also hit me that his hands were still gripping my hips, not to push me away, he’d never tried to push me away. They were gripping my hips to hold me where I was. If he was giving up on me, he wouldn’t have come home to my bed.
So my big speech was kind of unnecessary.
“Oh,” I murmured, “right.”
“Jesus,” he muttered then he rolled until I was on my back, his weight was on me, his hips between my legs then he said, “you’re not real fast, are you?”
If he’d said this in an angry or sarcastic way, rather than a resigned and a tad bit amused way, I would have lost my mind.
Instead, I said honestly, “I’m not usually this clueless. But when my brother is murdered; I’m waiting for the next crazy gift to be delivered to my door which might cause my head to explode; I fall in love with a man and he moves in; and I have a future that includes another kid and I need to figure out how I’m gonna tell my daughters they might have a brother or sister sometime in the future, I get a little out of it. In my defense, most women would.”
“What?” Joe asked when I stopped talking and I realized his body had gone tense again, so tense it felt like even his cells had stopped moving he had that tight a rein.
I put a hand to his face and answered, “I thought you said you wanted a kid.”
“Before that.”
I thought for a second and asked, “My head exploding?”
His body moved but only to press mine deeper into the bed.
“After that, Vi,” he growled and I was getting confused again because he was sounding impatient again, very impatient, close to losing it impatient.