Suppose there are fifty righteous within the city; wilt thou then destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty righteous who are in it? Far be it from thee to do such a thing, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous fare as the wicked! Far be that from thee! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?"The Lord, apparently persuaded by Abraham, agreed, "If I find at Sodom fifty righteous in the city, I will spare the whole place for their sake."Abraham continued to bargain God down, to forty-five, forty, thirty, twenty, and finally ten. Then the Lord went his way, Abraham returned to his home, and I turned the tissue-thin page to the next chapter, 19.As I reread our Bible study passage, the whole Sodom story seemed even more twisted than before.
Once more I wondered, could all the males in the city, young and old, have been gay? One of my commentaries suggested that the original language could be84interpreted as meaning that both the men and women of Sodom wanted to "know" the angels. But that only furthered Manuel's argument that the story wasn't about homosexuality, but about rape.I also recalled Dakota's point: How could Lot have offered up his daughters? What kind of dad would do that? How could God consider him righteous and spare him?Then there were the verses where the angels tell Lot's family, "Flee for your life; do not look back or stop anywhere in the valley; flee to the hills, lest you be consumed. . ."But Lot's wife behind him looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.God turned Lot's wife to salt simply because she looked back? Wasn't that a bit harsh?Then the story got even more confusing. Lot and his two daughters went to live in caves, and the daughters conspired: "Our father is old, and there is not a man on earth to come in to us after the manner of all the earth. Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve offspring through our father"Wait a minute. Were these the same two daughters that God supposedly spared for being righteous? Yet they got their very own dad drunk and had sex with him without even his knowledge or consent. Wasn't that considered rape?Through their incest the daughters bore two sons, who became the fathers of the Moabites and Ammonites. And that was the full story of Sodom, so often held up as a condemnation of homosexuality.I leaned back in my desk chair, staring at my cherished Bible. How could anyone take a story about mob violence, attempted gang rape, a God who doesn't know what's going on, sin that isn't specified, a woman being nuked to salt, and daughter-father incest, and use that story to condemn homosexuality?85And yet, hadn't I been taught for years to read the story that way?I recalled Manuel's photo of his boyfriend and him at prom, wearing tuxes and smiles. How was that anything like the story of Sodom?In Sunday school on various occasions my teachers had explained that we needed to view certain practices accepted in the Bible, such as polygamy and slavery, in their historical-cultural context. But then didn't everything in the Bible need to be viewed in context, including attitudes toward homosexuality?To be sure that I wasn't making a mistake, I decided to search my concordance for every other Biblical reference to Sodom I could find.In Isaiah i and 3, the prophet implied that Sodom was destroyed for a bunch of evildoings and a failure to do good; seek justice, correct oppression ... But there was no reference even hinting at homosexuality.The book of Jeremiah compared the prophets of Jerusalem to the Sodomites: I have seen a horrible thing: they commit adultery and walk in lies; they strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one turns from his wickedness; all of them have become like Sodom to me, and its inhabitants like Gomor'rah. Again, no link to homosexuality.Ezekiel stated, Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, surfeit of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy. They were haughty, and did abominable things before me; therefore I removed them, when I saw it. Once again, no mention of homosexuality.In Zephaniah, I found this passage: Moab shall become like Sodom, and the Ammonites like Gomor'rah, a land possessed by nettles and salt pits, and a waste for ever. . . This shall be their lot in return for their pride, because they scoffed and boasted against the people of the LORD of hosts. But weren't the Moabites and Ammonites the86descendents of Lot and his daughters, who had been spared for supposedly being righteous?In Judges 19, a story almost identical to Genesis 19 occurs, about a city named Gibeah, in which a Levite and his concubine are given hospitality by an old man. The men of Gibeah gather, demanding, "Bring out the man who came into your house, that we may know him." Instead, the old man hands over the concubine, who is raped so savagely that she dies. That grisly story reminded me of Manuel's question: If the angels in the Sodom story had been female (like the concubine), would heterosexuality be condemned? Not likely. Was that why I never heard anyone cite the Gibeah story?Finally, even in Matthew 10, when Jesus himself sent out his disciples to do God's work, he alluded to Sodom, not in terms of homosexuality, but in terms of inhospitality: "If any one will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it shall be more tolerable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomor'rah than for that town."No reference to sex, but a clear warning against failing to welcome God's messengers.If homosexuality truly was the sin of Sodom, then why did no other book in the Bible mention anything about homosexuality or even homosexual rape in relation to the Sodom story? Instead, each additional reference created a clearer image of the Sodomites as prideful, unjust, unwelcoming, and inhospitable to strangers, to the point of violence.So, was the story of Sodom really about God's wrath over homosexuality?I closed my Bible, exhausted and yet also unexpectedly calmed. Verses of Scripture that had frightened me for years suddenly seemed far less intimidating. After all, I'd never threatened87or abused strangers--or anyone. Even if I didn't like somebody, I tried to be nice. And I had definitely never ever even imagined raping someone.After today's Bible study, even the ominous injunctions of Leviticus no longer seemed quite so menacing. Nevertheless, when my cell phone rang, I jumped.It was Angie: "Dakota and I decided we need to start a GSA.""Huh?" I gripped the phone, recalling what the initials stood for: gay-straight alliance."After today's Bible study," Angie explained, "we think we need to do something before somebody gets killed. So we're going to start a GSA. We want you to help us."I sat up in my desk chair. My calm of a moment earlier evaporated as my confusion returned. "You serious?""Yep. Dakota's looking up stuff about GSAs on the Web right now. We'll talk about it at lunch tomorrow, okay?"By the time I said prayers that night, my head was once again a jumble of thoughts: about Bible study, Cliffs belief that gay people should be killed, Manuel opening my eyes to reading Bible passages in a way I'd never read them before, and my best friends' plan to start a GSA.
Chapter 18
BY LUNCHTIME THE NEXT DAY ANGIE HAD STOPPED BY THE MAIN OFFICE AND
PICKED UP THE APPLICATION FORM REQUIRED TO ORGANIZE A SCHOOL CLUB.
SHE AND DAKOTA WERE TALKING EXCITEDLY ABOUT IT WHEN I GOT TO OUR
TABLE."You really think Mr. Arbuthnot will allow a GSA?" I asked, secretly hoping our principal wouldn't."He has to." Dakota shoved her curls behind her ear and explained: "According to the websites I researched, the Supreme Court ruled that GSAs are covered under the ... wait, I wrote it down ..." She opened her reporter's notebook to a page of scribbles. "Here it is: the federal Equal Access Act, created to allow school Bible clubs like ours. The act states that all public schools receiving federal funding must allow any school club to be organized, so long as the group is student-initiated.""I asked Manuel," Angie interjected, "to explain to us how they formed a GSA at his old school." She glanced across the cafeteria. "Here he comes."For the first time since Elizabeth ditched our group, Manuel once again joined our table. I gazed around the lunchroom to see if89anyone was watching. Even though I hung out with him after school, that was different; no one saw us. Now I ducked down in my seat.Angie noticed and gave me a puzzled look. "Are you okay?""Fine," I muttered, and tried to listen to Manuel."At my old school," he explained, "most of our GSA members were actually straight. Ironically, the gay and lesbian kids were too closeted a
nd afraid to come to meetings--at least at first. But once they saw the support of straight students, they started coming out."Angie leaned across the table to show us our school's application form. It required at least four students to officially organize a school club.
One by one Angie, Dakota, and Manuel each signed their names to the form. I watched, sweat trickling down my back. Did I really want to put my name down?Manuel handed me the pen.I stared at the dotted line. "Um, I want to think about it."Angie and Dakota peered across their lunch trays at me."Why?" Manuel asked, a grin tugging at his lips. "You afraid people might think you're gay?""No!" I said it louder than I intended, wishing Manuel had never come to our school."Then what do you need to think about?" Angie asked softly.I folded my arms and slumped farther down in my chair. "I just want to think about it, that's all.""Well..." Dakota shrugged. "If you don't want to do it, we can find someone else.""Go ahead," I shot back. I didn't like being pressured. "I said I want to think about it. Okay?"The three of them were quiet, exchanging looks. Angie, ever the peacemaker, said, "Well, in the meantime we'll need to find a sponsor. Every group has to have one."90I thought about all the teachers who ignored the "that's so gay" remarks and silently turned their backs. Maybe I didn't need to be so worried about the GSA. After all, would any teacher actually be willing to sponsor the club? I doubted it.91
Chapter 19
AS THE WEEK PROGRESSED,IN MY MIND I DEBATED WHETHER OR NOT TO SIGN
THE GSA APPLICATION. AND IN MY HEART I ASKED JESUS,PLEASE HELP ME.
EVERYTHING SEEMS SO CONFUSED. I'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO DO WHAT YOU
WANTED. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW.' Meanwhile, Angie and Dakota began asking teachers to sponsor the club. During lunchtime the girls reported what had happened, and I listened intently, too anxious to eat much.Angie had first approached six-foot-three Ms. Lanier, the unmarried girls' gym teacher, who--rumor claimed--was a lesbian."No way!" she had told Angie.
"You want me to lose my job?"Next, Dakota had asked Mr. Oglethorpe, our ancient history and world civ teacher. He was one of the nicest teachers at school, but a little deaf and verging on senile."When I told him it was a gay-straight alliance"--Dakota rolled her eyes in exasperation--
"he thought I meant some sort of glee club. When I tried to explain the purpose was to combat homophobia, he said he couldn't support any organization that advocated violence. At that point I gave up."Angie proceeded to describe her encounter with Mrs. Lee, a92math teacher: "She peered over her little half-moon glasses at me and whispered, 'It's that new boy, isn't it? The one with the eyebrow ring? I knew he was trouble from the moment I saw him.'"Dakota told us how Mr.
Wendt, the English teacher, had told her, "I'd like to help you. Really, I would. But I have to choose my battles wisely, and frankly, I doubt this one stands a chance in Hades. I'm still getting grief for teaching Slaughterhouse-Five last year."I recalled how a group of parents had tried to get him fired for teaching a book that they said promoted sex and filthy language.Out of all the teachers Angie and Dakota had asked, not a single one would sponsor the GSA."So now what do we do?" Dakota gazed, droopy-faced, across the table at Angie and me."We keep asking," Angie insisted. "Till somebody says yes.""But what if no one will do it?" I asked.Dakota gave me a disappointed frown. "That's not what you're hoping, is it?""Um, no," I said, though I wasn't sure I meant it. My feelings about everything, including Angie, the Bible, what to believe, and especially about Manuel, were shifting every minute.Each time I saw him, I was aware of feelings growing inside me, unlike any I'd ever experienced. Even though he exasperated me at times, I couldn't stop thinking about him. And the more I tried to control my thoughts, the more they seemed to buck me.Adding to my confusion, it seemed like the antigay stuff at school was getting worse. One morning in homeroom, I noticed that Jude Maldonado had written on his desktop,
"Manuel Cordero is a fag." Crude stuff like that began to appear on desks in every class I had with Jude: "Manuel likes dick," "E-mail Cordero for butt sex."One day in the hallway, between classes, Cliff pulled me aside.93"We need to talk." His steel gray eyes drilled into me. "People are asking me why you hang out with that queer."I cringed, recalling Cliffs death-to-gays remark.
"So?""So ..." Cliff narrowed his eyes at me. "What am I supposed to tell them?""I don't care." Of course I really did care. But what could I do?That afternoon I was walking down the hall, when a group of guys passed me and coughed the word, "Faggot!" I pretended like I didn't hear them, but inside I churned with emotion: wanting to smack them, or hide, or scream, or cry...In the evening, alone in my room, I asked Jesus to guide me. "I'm so confused. Everything seems all wrong. Why is this happening?"Another day, Elizabeth cornered me at my locker. "I'm really concerned about you, Paul. I want you to know I'm praying for you." That came as no surprise. Every once in a while she'd gaze across the cafeteria, glaring at Dakota, and text me: I'm praying u in Jesus'
name.The following day at lunch I told Angie and Dakota, "I've decided to sign the GSA application."The girls exchanged a look, and Angie said, "Thanks, but, um ... we already got someone else.""Really?" My skin prickled with curiosity. "Who?""Stephen Marten," Dakota replied.I glanced across the lunchroom toward Manuel's table. The boy who since middle school had gotten called "queer" was now smiling and laughing."So, um, is he really gay?" I said.Angie shrugged. "I didn't ask.""It's a gay-straight alliance," Dakota reminded me. "As a ground rule, we don't ask people's sexual orientation."94"Even so..." I picked at my chicken salad. "People will assume anyone who goes is gay. I'm already getting flack just for hanging out with Manuel.""You are?" Angie's eyes grew huge with worry. "What kind of flack?"I pushed my tray aside, too frustrated to eat. "Like guys calling me names and saying stuff."Dakota squared her shoulders as if ready to defend me. "Has anyone tried to hurt you physically?""No." Her concern made me feel better.Angie sighed. "I think it's harder for guys than girls.""At least with girls," Dakota agreed,
"you don't have to worry as much about violence.""How can we help?" Angie reached over and laid her hand on mine.I shook my head in dismay. Even though I appreciated their offer, I knew I was on my own. Guys would view any sort of help from girls as only further reason to accuse me of being gay. "There's nothing you can do," I said.Later that week I was walking toward my car when a school bus passed and someone yelled out the window, "Homo!"I whirled around to see who'd said it, but they had ducked back inside the roaring bus. I kicked the sidewalk and resumed walking, feeling like Armageddon was approaching.95
Chapter 20
WHEN THE LAST BELL RANG BEFORE THANKSGIVING BREAK, I BOLTED OUT THE
DOOR. BESIDES BEING EAGER TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE SCHOOL STRESS, l'D
BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO ABUELITA COMING TO VISIT US FROM MEXICO. I
LOVED HER A LOT, AS MUCH AS I LOVED MY PA. AFTER SCHOOL, I DROVE THE
HOUR TO ABILENE TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT.As Abuelita shuffled through the gate, I ran up, stooping over her tiny frame and into her outstretched arms. She pressed her bony face against my cheek, and I breathed in her delicate rose perfume. Then she grabbed my shoulders, staring at me through the chunky glasses that magnified her charcoal-black eyes, making them huge and bright."Let me look at you, mi amor. Every time I see you, you're even more tall and handsome than ever." She always said stuff like that, making me blush and smile.On the drive home she asked me about Pa and his girlfriend, and about school and Angie.
"And what about you?" She clutched my hand tightly. "Are you happy, Pablito?"96Abuelita was the only person in the world I let call me that-- the kid form of Pablo. I nodded earnestly in response. Sitting beside her, I was the happiest I'd been in weeks.When we arrived home, I carried her suitcase into the guest bedroom, but she only took a moment to get settled before heading to the kitchen. Abuelita took that room over whenever she visited, warming it with her presence and filling our house with sounds and smells that carried me back to when I was a little kid in Mexico: the sizzle of sauteed peppers, the steaming hiss of a pressure cooker fu
ll of beans, the bubbling boil of posole stew, the sweet smell of masa, and the slap, slap, slap, slap of Abuelita's hands patting tortillas ... Even though Pa and I got along okay batching it, having Abuelita home made everything better.At mealtimes she set an extra place, to remind us of those who didn't have enough to eat--and of the Lord's presence among us. To Abuelita, God was a member of the family--someone to talk to and reckon with.Oftentimes I'd come home and hear her in the middle of a conversation. I had to look around to check: Was anyone human actually there? Or was she talking to Jesus again? Her chats with God weren't like most prayers--at least not like mine. She could get into real arguments, nearly shouting at the Lord.As a boy I'd wondered what to make of Abuelita, but Ma had reassured me: "Don't worry, mijo. That's just how she is."Over the years I had gotten used to the quirkiness. I admired her faith, and I think she paved the way for my own relationship with Jesus.On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up early to help Abuelita make her best-turkey-on-earth recipe, mole poblano de guajolote, with the magical ingredient, melted chocolate. She knew how much I loved chocolate. My mouth watered the entire time we were making it.97Pa invited Raquel and some of their friends. And later in the day, after we'd finished our feast, Angie came over, bringing a pumpkin custard pie. The three of us sat in the kitchen, and Abuelita told us funny stories about growing up in her Mexican farm town: having to run away from snakes in the outhouse; how mischievous girls at her convent school secretly tacked their nun's habit to a chair to find out if she was bald, so that when the sister stood up, her headdress pulled off; and the cooking disaster when Abuelita became a restaurant chef and used too many chili peppers. I loved her stories and laughed so much that my ribs hurt.After Angie left, I was helping Abuelita unload the dishwasher when she abruptly asked, "Are you in love with her?"I almost dropped the cup I was storing. Why is she asking that? What should I answer? Am I in love with Angie? I want to be.Abuelita adjusted her clunky glasses and peered at me with her enormous eyes. "If you're not," she said sternly, "don't mislead her, mi amor. Be honest with her--and yourself."I swallowed what felt like a pumpkin-sized knot in my throat and looked away. Why was she telling me this?But she gently took my chin and turned my face back to her. "Have you ever been in love?"I hesitated, recalling Manuel's description of being head over heels about Bryan, and comparing it with Angie and me."Um, I don't know.""If you don't know," Abuelita said sternly, "then you haven't. When you're in love, you'll know."I quietly put away the last of the dishes, aching to confess to her all the turmoil bottled up inside me: my unwanted attraction toward guys, my fear of going to hell because of it, how much I wanted to be in love with Angie, and how confused I felt about the new boy at school named Manuel. I wanted to tell Abuelita all of it.98But I couldn't. It was too much to sort out. Instead, I changed my clothes and told Pa, "I'm going for a run."After spending the whole day inside, I breathed in huge gulps of fresh air, while the conversation with Abuelita dogged my every step. Had I ever been in love? Was I falling in love with Manuel?The thought tripped me mid stride; I nearly tumbled to the pavement.No way! I told myself, regaining my balance. I am not falling in love with Manuel.