He danced over to me and reached down, grabbing for my hand. "Come on, dance with me!" I pulled my hand away. "No, thanks." "Why not? 'Cause I'm a guy?" "Duh, yeah!""So? What difference does that make? It's just dancing." He extended his hand again. "Amigo, if I were you, I'd take me up on this invitation. You never know in life if you'll get a second chance.""Amigo," I mimicked back, "I'll risk it."He kept dancing around the room, while I brooded and tried to ignore him. But out of the corner of my eye, I could see his body swaying and hips shaking. What would it feel like to dance with him?I tugged nervously on my wristband, my thoughts returning to church that morning. "I've got a question for you," I told him. "What about St. Paul's letter to the Romans? Doesn't it clearly state that homosexuality is wrong?"Manuel paused mid step and peered across the room at me. "You know ..." A puckish smile played at the corners of his lips.
"For someone who's supposedly straight, you sure do ask a lot of questions about being gay."My face warmed with embarrassment. Obviously, Manuel suspected my doubts. "I want to understand it," I said defensively. But were our conversations actually helping or merely adding to my confusion? I wasn't sure.111"All right, here's the deal with St. Paul..." Manuel turned the music down and plopped down cross-legged on the carpet facing me, so close our knees bumped.
"First of all, neither he nor anyone else in the Bible uses the word 'homosexuality,' at least not in any accurate translation. The fact that some people are naturally oriented toward the same sex wasn't even understood till the nineteenth century."I scooted back from him against the bed, pondering that. "Yeah, but in Romans One, St. Paul talks about guys having sex with guys and women having sex with women. That's the same thing.""No," Manuel argued back, "because the viewpoint is different. St. Paul wrote as a man living in the first century, who also thought that slaves should obey their masters, that women should wear veils to pray, and that the authority of governments was instituted by God. If you think St. Paul was infallible, that means he was right about all those things. Is that what you believe?"Once again I thought back to my Sunday school teachers, who'd said we needed to view certain practices in the Bible in their historical-cultural context. But then how could those same teachers claim the Bible to be inerrant?"St. Paul,"
Manuel continued, "saw same-sex behavior as part of idol worship. He didn't consider that God might possibly create some people oriented toward the same sex."I squirmed on the floor. "But why would God create people gay?""Who knows? Why does she create some people left-handed and others right-handed? So we'll learn to love each other in spite of our differences? I don't know. But we do know this ..." Manuel pointed his finger for emphasis. "The Creator loves diversity. Did you know that there are species that have neither male nor female, only hermaphrodites? And organisms that transform from one gender to the other during the course of their lives?"112I hadn't known that. And even if I had, I'd never have connected it with my worries about being gay.Manuel thought to himself for a while, then gave me a searching look, like he was trying to pull the thoughts out of my head. "I've been thinking: Have you ever checked out porn sites?""No!" I sat up on the carpet, taken aback by the question. "I don't look at porn.""Well, maybe you should." Manuel's tone was earnest. "Both gay and straight sites. See which turn you on more. That'll help you--""Whoa!" I held up my hand to stop him. "I'm not going to look at porn.""Suit yourself." Manuel stood to change the CD.I watched him from behind and tried to dismiss his idea from my thoughts. It rattled me how openly he was willing to question my sexuality."By the way..." Manuel turned to face me. "Angie asked me if I think you're gay.""She what}" My heart almost stopped, as my mind flashed back to Angie in my car the night before. Was that why she'd put my hand on her breast? Was she testing me?"What did you tell her?" I leaned forward, the blood pounding in my temples. "Did you tell her no?"Manuel raised his eyebrows. "Should I have told her no?""Yes!"Manuel waved me to calm down. "I told her she needs to ask you.""I'm not gay!" I said firmly."Chill, amigo, it's no big deal. Just tell her."No big deal? What was I supposed to tell her? That after all these years of going out with her, I wasn't sure if I was straight? And yet, what if I truly was gay? Was it fair to lead her on?113I slumped back against his bed, my heart sinking. "I don't want to hurt her.""Amigo . . ."
Manuel sighed. "You're already hurting her. How can you say you love somebody and lie to them?""I haven't lied to her.""Yes, you have. What's the difference between lying and keeping a secret? Either way, you're not being honest."My head felt like a dust storm had hit it, spinning my thoughts around. It seemed like whether I was open with Angie or not, I was hurting her.I braced myself on the bed and got up. "I've got to go."Manuel nodded understandingly and walked me to the door. I left his house, once again annoyed and angry. But this time I didn't bother swearing to myself that I'd never return. I knew I'd be back.114
Chapter 24
WHEN I ARRIVED HOME, I THREW MY CAR KEYS ONTO MY DESK, STILL
TROUBLED BY WHAT MANUEL HAD SAID. WAS I LYING TO ANGIE? I DIDN'T WANT
TO. BUT WHAT IF I WASN'T GAY? WHAT IF I COULD CHANGE?I got down on my knees and prayed harder than ever: "Jesus, you've got to help me. You know I don't want to hurt Angie.
I want to change. I'm trying hard. But I need your help. Please? In your name. Amen."I lay down in bed and stared at the crack in the ceiling that branched off in different directions. Eventually, my thoughts twist-and-turned back to St. Paul's Epistle to the Romans and the things that Manuel had said. From my nightstand I picked up my Bible.In Bible studies I'd learned that St. Paul had written the letter to the church at Rome, which consisted of Christians from both Jewish and Gentile (non-Jewish) backgrounds, in part to try to get the two groups to stop judging each other harshly.Chapter i began by affirming that the gospel was for everyone, including both Jews and Gentiles. Then, at verse 1:22, the letter began to condemn Gentiles who had turned to worshipping115idols: Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man or birds or animals or reptiles.Directly following that came the part that Pastor Jose and my other church teachers had used to preach against gays: Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator.... For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions.I thought back to what Manuel had said. St. Paul seemed to think homosexual acts were the result ("Therefore . . . ," "For this reason ...") of people turning away from God to idol worship. I'd never gotten that connection before, probably because I'd been so intimidated by the passage.Now I wondered, So how do these verses apply to Manuel--or to me? I had never turned away from God to idol worship. Why had God given me up to dishonorable passions?I kept reading: Their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural, and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error.I stopped and thought more about what Manuel had said. St. Paul didn't use the word "homosexuality." So exactly what types of same-sex relations was he referring to? Was he writing about sexual acts connected to idol worship? I knew from Bible commentaries that weird stuff like that used to happen in ancient times. This passage wasn't clear. But it certainly didn't sound like he was talking about two guys or two women in a loving relationship.Could such a vague passage like this one be justified to condemn116any and all sex between gay people? After all, the Bible cited all sorts of restrictions on heterosexual sex (362 according to Manuel's Lynn Lavner quote), and yet I'd never heard anyone suggest that those passages condemned any and all forms of heterosexuality.In the passage St. Paul clearly stated that he thought same-sex acts were "unnatural." But what about what Manuel had said about same-sex behavior being found abundantly in nature? And if same-sex desires weren't "natural," then why had I had these feelings toward guys since middle school? True
, I wasn't perfect, and I'd sinned many times, but I'd never turned away from loving God. Plus, how could I "give up" natural relations with women if I'd never felt the desire for them in the first place?And what did St. Paul mean by "the due penalty of their error"? I knew the penalty couldn't be AIDS, since--as Manuel had pointed out--it affected straight people too, and wasn't even around in St. Paul's time. So, was he suggesting once again that homosexuality was the result (a penalty) for the error of worshipping idols?To confuse things further, although St. Paul viewed the homosexual acts he referred to as impure, "dishonorable," and "shameless," he didn't say that they were evil or a sin.I put down my Bible and pondered that. From Bible studies I knew that in Romans St. Paul was trying to respond to conflicts between the Jewish and Gentile Christians over obligations to observe Jewish law, which forbade certain acts as "unclean" and "impure," but not necessarily sinful. He differentiated between the Jewish law and the Gospel, insisting that a person is made right with God by faith in Christ, not by performing the works of the Law.If St. Paul, a Jew who knew the Jewish law, thought same-sex acts were not merely impure or unclean but truly a sin, why hadn't he said so? Why didn't he include them in the succeeding verses,1171:28-32, where he listed all manner of wickedness, evil, covetousness, malice?I heaved a sigh of exasperation and closed my Bible. Once again a passage that I had been led to believe clearly condemned gay people seemed confusingly unclear. The only thing the Romans passage clearly condemned was idol worship, and I'd never done that.Was every Scripture verse supposedly against homosexuality so questionable? Wasn't there any Bible text that applied to someone like me, who didn't want to hurt anybody or worship idols, who just... had these feelings and dreams of...
wanting to love and be loved by somebody who happened to be the same sex?With renewed determination I decided to look up every other possible passage even remotely related to homosexuality. Since the Bible and my concordance didn't list the word "homosexual," I got up and walked to my computer. I clicked my browser open, and after some searching found a Christian website with a page titled "The Homosexual Deception" that claimed to list Bible verses dealing with homosexuality.God doesn't want anyone to be gay, the site said. With the Lord's help, anybody can become straight, if they are willing to follow Him.It seemed like Jesus was finally answering my prayers. Excitedly, I scrolled down the page to the Bible verses. But as I read the list, my heart sank. It included all the same verses I had already struggled with: the Genesis story of Sodom, the two verses from Leviticus, St. Paul's letter to the Romans
...Unwilling to give up, I kept reading. The references continued with I Corinthians 6:9-11, which contained a list of those who would not inherit the Kingdom of God, including "sexual perverts."So, were gay people automatically considered perverts? Why? Who decided that? I looked up the same passage in the online King James Version. Instead of "sexual perverts" it said118"abusers of themselves with mankind." What did that mean? I had never wanted to abuse either myself or anybody else.The next reference was i Timothy 1:10, which listed the types of people who need to hear the Law, including "Sodomites." I sighed in disappointment. Once again the Sodom thing.Last were references to Jude 7 and 2 Peter 2:6, both of which again referred to the destruction of Sodom.From everything I could find, that was the sum of the Bible's allusions to homosexuality--none of the passages clear or specific. And not a single one addressed a loving same-sex relationship. Didn't this book I cherished have anything to say about that to someone who wanted God's guidance?If God was truly so against homosexuality, why hadn't it made his Top Ten? And since the Bible wasn't clear, why did so many people use it so unequivocally to condemn gay people? Why had I been so willing to use it that way?I closed my browser and flopped back into bed. My head ached as I pondered so many things I had simply accepted: that the Bible is the inerrant word of God, that the church is always right, that homosexuality is a sin, that being gay is a choice ...But if the church and its interpretation of the Bible were wrong about homosexuality, then what else might they be saying that wasn't true? How could I trust anything they said?I pulled myself out of bed, changed my clothes, and went for another long, exhausting run.119
Chapter 25
WHEN I RETURNED TO SCHOOL AFTER THANKSGIVING BREAK, I HAD A HARD
TIME CONCENTRATING. MY MIND CHURNED WITH DOUBTS ABOUT THE BIBLE,
ABOUT MY FUTURE WITH ANGIE, AND MOST OF ALL ABOUT WHO I WAS. SO
MANY THINGS I HAD IMAGINED FOR MY LIFE --FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE
RIGHT GIRL, GETTING MARRIED, HAVING KIDS, BECOMING A MINISTER, AND
EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I BELIEVED IN --NOW SEEMED CALLED INTO
QUESTION.In the midst of my confusion I kept thinking about Manuel's suggestion. Should I check out some porn sites? I was probably the only seventeen-year-old boy on the planet who had never looked at porn. Even Cliff and my other Christian guy friends had confessed to viewing some. But I'd told myself that it definitely wasn't something Jesus would do.Now Manuel's idea sort of felt like permission. Maybe he was right. Maybe just a little peek could help me to resolve my sexuality once and for all.One day after school, when I was home alone, I carefully locked my bedroom door and turned my computer on. My heart120pounded with anticipation as I prayed, Dear Jesus, please forgive me. I don't mean to sin. But I don't know what else to do. I need to find out. Can I ever be attracted to girls?My hand trembled as I opened the browser search engine and typed:P...O...R...NWithin seconds, a page came up listing 154,368,529 entries. My breathing stopped. Where to start?Taking a deep breath, I clicked on a link. The site that popped up taunted me: Choose either "Horny Babes" or "Hot Hunks." My eyes wavered back and forth between the two options. My rational mind told me, "Horny Babes." Instead, I clicked "Hot Hunks."Instantly, an orgy of naked guys appeared on the screen, doing things I'd never even imagined. Up until that moment I had never really thought about precisely how guys had gay sex. My fantasies had never gotten that far. The mere thought of being in another guy's arms, my body pressed against his as we kissed, had been enough to propel me into ecstasy.Now I gazed in open-jawed amazement.
The chiseled guys onscreen were doing stuff with each other that made me nearly burst through my pants. Literally shaking, I closed the browser window and gasped for breath."Jesus, please forgive me," I prayed out loud this time, and waited for my excitement to die down. There was no denying my body's response to the naked hunks.So, was I maybe... bisexual? At least that word didn't have the horrible connotations of the word "homosexual." Pastor Jose had never preached a sermon against bisexuals.But... if I was bi, that meant I was also attracted to women. So ... was I?"Please, Jesus," I prayed again. "Help me."121My palms damp with sweat, I once again opened the porn site, but this time I clicked "Horny Babes." A page full of beautiful naked women appeared. And as it did, my horniness further subsided. Better said, it ceased altogether.It wasn't that the boobs and stuff were boring. Before that moment I had never actually seen a woman completely nude. And I definitely had never seen women doing the sorts of things these were doing. But rather than make me horny, the images made me a little nauseous. I felt kind of embarrassed for the girls, exposing themselves like that. And inside my pants I felt. . . nothing.
Zip. Zero. Nada.If I was truly bisexual, shouldn't I feel something} Maybe I'd just stopped feeling horny altogether. To check, I clicked back to the "Hot Hunks" site.Instant wood. Quickly I closed the browser again.I leaned back in my chair and took a huge breath, realizing the implications of my experiment. I was definitely turned on by guys, not girls.I wiped my sweaty palms against my pants, more worried than ever. What if this wasn't a phase? What if I never became attracted to women and yet didn't want to sin by having sex with guys? Should I be celibate for all my life?
Was that what God wanted for me? To never experience the warmth and love of someone else's body or feel their heart beat against mine?I knew that St. Paul considered celibacy a noble calling, but he also realized how hard it was. I recalled i Corinthians 7, where he even said
that it was
"better to marry than to be aflame with passion." I didn't want to go through life alone and crazed with lust. I wanted to be loved and cared about like everyone else. I wanted someone to marry, to love, "to have and to hold till death do us part." So, why would it be so wrong for that person to be122another guy? What if the two of us just didn't have sex?Get real. I sighed. How long would that last?Okay, then... So, what if I couldn't change, and neither celibacy nor marriage was an option, what other choice was there?I adjusted my pants and glanced at my Bible. How could I choose between my sexuality and my spirituality, two of the most important parts that made me whole? It seemed so unfair, like some cruel joke."Why?" I asked Jesus. "I gave my heart to you before I even knew what sex was. I've always tried to follow you. Why has God given me up like this?"Before, I had always believed that Jesus heard my prayers, even if he didn't respond. Now, for the first time in my life, I doubted. Did he hear me?My doubts made me feel even guiltier.
Maybe I needed to give my heart over to him again.This time I wrote down my prayer, hoping to make it even more real, and I based it on everything I had learned in church and Sunday school:Dear Jesus,I believe you are the Son of God and that you died for my sins. I accept you as my Lord and savior and give my life over to you. I believe that by your stripes we are healed.
Please heal me. You know I don't want to be this way. I've tried and tried to change. I don't know what else you want me to do. Please forgive all my sins and come into my heart. Again. Thank you.I folded up the paper, opened the lid of my God Box, and surrendered it inside.123
Chapter 26
AFTER GIVING MY HEART OVER TO JESUS AGAIN, I HOPED TO WAKE UP THE
NEXT MORNING FEELING CLEANSED AND RENEWED. INSTEAD -- MAYBE