Page 17
“How was your day?” I say.
He gives me a look. Like he said at Carmen’s, the less we know about each other’s lives, the better. This is not a first date.
“Sorry. ” I take another sip of wine, then put down the glass. If I drink a little more every time I feel on edge tonight, I’ll get plastered. “No details. No chitchat. We shouldn’t go there. ”
“It’s okay. This is difficult. ” He pauses a moment before adding, “Are you scared?”
Deep breath. Honest answer. “Yes and no. I believe you aren’t going to do anything without my permission. But what we’re doing feels a little like jumping off a cliff. I’ve had this fantasy since—since always, but I never thought I’d act it out with a stranger—”
At that moment, a waiter appears by our sofa. Why do bar waiters only show up when you least want them around? Offhandedly Jonah says, “Bring me whatever she’s having. ”
I don’t think he’s even looked at my glass. What if I had some ridiculous tropical drink, the kind of thing served in a pineapple with pink straws and paper umbrellas? The thought of someone as serious as Jonah sipping one of those makes me smile. Finally I’m able to relax a little—but not much.
As soon as the waiter hurries off, Jonah turns to me. “What would it take to make you feel safe?”
I like that he asked this. But how do I answer?
Cut to the chase, I remind myself. Jonah’s blunt honesty is the only way to go. “I’d need you to wear condoms. Unless you want to show me your medical records. ”
Jonah nods. “I can get those for you. Can you show me test results too?”
It hadn’t even occurred to me that Jonah also might be concerned about that. “Um. Yeah, sure. ”
“No rush,” he says. “I don’t mind wearing a condom at first. Makes it last longer. ”
My cheeks flush as I envision Jonah inside me, pounding me, going on and on and on without mercy—
Jonah must know what I’m thinking, because he tilts his head as if he’s relishing the effect he has on me. He murmurs, “What else?”
Another sip of wine steadies me enough to answer. “I wouldn’t want you to tie me up. Not the first time, anyway. ”
He smiles. “I like that you’re thinking about the future. I’ll have plenty of chances to give you what you want. ”
It hadn’t even occurred to me before today that Jonah might have been considering a onetime fling. Now that I think about it, that makes more sense than assuming we’d keep playing out this scenario. But I’ve wanted this too long, too much, to assume one night will be enough to get it out of my system. If Jonah’s the right partner for this fantasy, then we have a chance I don’t intend to waste.
Already I sense that one taste of Jonah Marks won’t be enough.
“Yes. ” I meet his eyes evenly. “Assuming we decide we like it. ”
“I think we will. ” My God, his smile right now—it’s hungry, and animal, and I know he’s imagining having me. This instant. The knowledge shakes me in the best possible way.
The waiter shows up with Jonah’s wine. We both fall silent just as long as it takes for Jonah to accept the glass and toss the waiter a twenty. “No change. ”
This wine was only $10 a glass. The waiter brightens. Me, I’m glad I bought my own drink. I don’t want to owe anything to Jonah Marks. Yet.
As soon as we’re alone again, Jonah says, “We should talk about what you don’t want the first time versus what you don’t want, ever. If we set the ground rules up front, it’s going to be better for both of us. ”
That makes sense. I’ve been thinking this through ever since he made his audacious offer, and by now I think I know what to say. That doesn’t make it easy to get the words out. “Well. Let’s see. I already said that I don’t want you to tie me up the first time, and I guess we worked out the safe-sex thing . . . ”
Jonah nods, a touch impatient. Although I never noticed him moving, he seems to have edged closer to me on the sofa. Our knees are nearly touching, now, and his gaze is locked on mine. My uncertainty is a turn-on for him, I realize. How could it be any other way?
Knowing he feeds off my fear makes me even more nervous. It takes me a few seconds to continue. “Okay. Some things I don’t want you to do, ever—one, no weapons. If you have a knife or a gun or something, it’s not going to be hot for me. It’s going to scare me to death. ”
Jonah looks startled. He must never have considered that. “No weapons. Absolutely. ”