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He’s silent when he comes, this time. I only know he’s finished from the way he tenses and goes still. After a moment, Jonah slides out of me, and I feel warm wetness slicking my thighs. Now that we’re past using condoms, sex with Jonah is a lot messier. Hotter, too. “That was perfect,” I murmur as I collapse onto the bed.
“Was it?”
Jonah sounds so . . . cool. I look over at him, but he’s already closed his eyes. After a moment he rolls over onto his side, away from me.
It’s almost as if he’s angry with me for wanting the fantasy. But that’s absurd. Jonah never judged me for wanting it before, and besides, he loves it too.
Maybe the man’s just tired. He just fucked you six ways from Sunday. Eventually he was bound to fall asleep immediately after.
Makes sense. I’m tired too. And I refuse to think about it any further than that.
But this is the only night in Scotland that he doesn’t hold me as I go to sleep.
• • •
“And you haven’t spent time with Jonah since returning to the States,” Doreen says the next Monday, as I sit on her sofa, fighting to stay awake despite jet lag.
“I wouldn’t have expected to,” I say. “It’s going to take me days to get through the Category Five storm that is my inbox, and I’m sure Jonah is at least as slammed as I am, if not more. ”
Doreen simply nods, her hands folded in her lap. “Has he called you on the phone? Have you texted?”
“He texted after we got into separate taxis at the airport, to make sure I got home safe. Then earlier this morning I e-mailed to ask him to come to Arturo and Shay’s Halloween party, and he said yes. ”
“Halloween party?” That makes Doreen smile a bit. “Not that I’ve ever met the man, but Jonah Marks doesn’t seem like the costume-wearing kind. ”
“I know. ” I have to grin too. “Still, the natural next step is introducing Jonah to my friends. Well—not introducing, they’ve all met him—but having all of us spend time together. Making sure everyone can get along. ”
“And if they can’t?”
“They can. ” In all honesty, I’m not sure how Jonah will react to my friends—particularly Geordie—or how they’ll react to him. But Jonah’s default mode is cool courtesy, which means even in the worst-case scenario, everyone will be able to manage. “Hopefully I’ll spend time with Jonah and Rosalind sometime soon. She seems great. ”
Doreen is too smart to pursue the conversational detour I just offered. As ever, she sticks to the point. “So everything is going well. ”
“Exactly. ”
“Then why did you tell me you were feeling uneasy after that last night in Scotland?”
I sigh. “I shouldn’t even have said anything. ”
“Vivienne. ” Doreen’s voice is soft. “We’ve made a lot of progress these past couple of years because you’ve learned to be truly open with me. Be a shame to lose that now. ”
“We aren’t losing it,” I reply—which is maybe not one hundred percent true, if I can’t open up to her about this. “It’s just that so many things about my relationship with Jonah are difficult to put into words. ”
“He’s proved himself trustworthy. You enjoy spending time with him even in a nonsexual way. Jonah Marks has turned out to be an interesting, intelligent person. ”
I nod.
“But you feel that he reacted badly on that final night, when you expressed your wishes during sex. ”
“I think so. I’m not sure. ” I am, though. Something about the silence between us has been—too empty. “He wouldn’t freak out about that, though. Not when we’ve acted out that fantasy in so many other ways. ”
“Does that feel like the whole truth to you?”
With a sigh, I admit, “No. ”
“What else might be bothering him?” Doreen cocks her head. “I think you have an idea. ”
She’s right; I do. Really I’ve sensed this all along. “I guess it could be that—when I admitted what I wanted—he realized that I was fantasizing about it every other time we had sex in Scotland. Pretending he was forcing me, even when he wanted us to make love in a more romantic way. ”
She says, “Why do you think that would disturb him, when it’s a fantasy he shares?”
Finally I say what I know Doreen’s been getting at the whole time. “Jonah wouldn’t be angry about the fantasy. He’d be angry about the lie, because that’s how he’d see it. As a lie. ”