I passed the desk and went into the gym. Guys were hitting the bag on the right and wrestling on the left, just like last time. Two were fighting in the ring, but to my surprise Clint wasn’t there. I swiveled my head around. He was nowhere in sight.
After wheeling myself closer, I stopped in front of the boxing ring and watched the two fighters spar. They were both Hispanic kids, fifteen or so by my guess. Both were pretty skinny. Compared to the wrestling I’d seen before, these kids looked to have pretty good technique. The defensive skill of one of them in particular was sharp.
As I watched him duck and weave around his opponent’s punches, I wondered if I would ever get to do that again.
“I see you got some new wheels,” a voice said from behind me.
It was Clint. I turned around as quickly as I could. “Yeah,” I said with a shrug. I tried to think of some joke to make about it, but I had nothing.
His blue eyes bore no trace of any pity. By the look of it, my newfound condition surprised him about as much as his alarm in the morning. “You down long-term? I don’t see a cast or anything.”
I looked down at my legs as if to confirm there was no cast. “Yeah. I mean, hard to say.”
I took a deep breath. Clint waited patiently, seemingly with no place to go at all.
Might as well tell him. Couldn’t pretend there was nothing wrong with me at this point. “I have MS,” I said steadily. “Multiple sclerosis.”
I watched for his reaction but he simply waited for me to continue, the corners of his eyes wrinkled in polite attention.
“Normally I just have to manage it, but I had a flare-up,” I continued. “This was the worst one I’ve had. Is the worst one, I guess. So I’m stuck like this, for a while at least. Hard to say how long it will last.”
Clint nodded and thrust his hands into his jean pockets. “You doin’ therapy or anything?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. Gotta go back to the doctor in a couple weeks. If my tests are good, they’ll let me start doing therapy.”
Clint shook his head. “Hell of a disease, son. Best of luck to you.”
“Thanks,” I replied. “I was wondering if you’d still let me come in and do some coaching.”
Clint shrugged and looked me in the eye. “If you can. Can’t promise I’ll pay ya if you can’t do it, but I’m happy to give you a shot.”
I nodded. “I appreciate the chance.”
“You’re welcome. Where’s that nice girl you had with you last time? I’m guessing you don’t have your car set up to drive yourself yet.”
“She dropped me off,” I said, my smile disappearing from my face. “I’m actually staying with her family at the moment. Long story.”
His eyebrows shot up. “You’re lucky to have that kind of support. I’ll tell ya, a partner in life is the greatest blessing in the world.”
“Yeah.”
I knew I should have more to say about Lorrie than that, but I couldn’t muster anything else. I turned and watched the kids wrestling against the wall. Even though they weren’t very good, they could all probably beat me right now with my useless legs. I wondered when I would get my strength back to be able to take them again. Maybe I never would.
Clint broke into my thoughts. “Son, I know that look, and I don’t like it. I’m gonna give you some advice: cut out the bullshit.”
Blood rushed hot to my face. I shook my head. Why was he talking like he knew me? “What look? I don’t—”
“Shut up and just listen. Every second you spend wishing you weren’t in that chair is one you could spend living the life you have, and that should start with taking care of your relationships with the people that love you.”
“Who said I wasn’t taking care of those relationships?” I asked, my pulse pounding.
“I did. Call it an old man’s intuition. You gonna tell me I’m wrong?”
I opened my mouth then shut it, too stunned to come up with a rebuttal.
He seized on my silence. “Listen, son, I know you’re in a rough spot right now and I’m trying to help you. Take care of things on the homefront before you go picking any new fights. Which in this case I’m guessing is whatever it takes to get yourself upright again.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I said, my tone clipped. I didn’t need a lecture from Clint.
He paused and looked away for a second before turning his steely gaze back on me. “I buried my wife last year. Married her right before I went to ‘Nam. She waited for me the whole time.” He shook his head. “I can tell you for a fact that you’re blessed to have someone in your life. Greatest fortune a person can have. Cherish every day of it.”
My jaw tensed. “I’ll do my best.”
He looked down at his shoes for a moment before bringing his head up again, his lips tight. “We all spend half our life getting up, son. Once we’re stood straight, we have a look around, enjoy the view, and if we’re lucky we die peacefully. It’s a lot easier to stand up with someone by your side, and the view’s a lot better. You don’t wanna get to my age and wish you had done better by the people you love. Trust me.”
I felt like I should say something, but he’d worked up a head of steam. “Every day,” he said, pounding his fist from emphasis. “If you have someone to come home to who loves you, life will be happy. If you don’t, good luck figuring it out. It might be possible, but I’m sixty-eight years old and I don’t have a god damn clue how to do it.”
I started to respond, but something in his tone made me stop. His words rattled around in my head while I tried to figure out why it bothered me so much.
He bit his lip for a moment. “Give me a call when you’re feeling up to coaching,” he said, his voice shaking slightly. “I gotta go teach these kids how to avoid getting their asses kicked, but you can stay as long as you like.”
With that, he turned and walked to the ring.
I sat there, shaken and confused as I watched him get in and start coaching. Why was I so affected by the old man’s speech? I’d been pissed off when he was giving it and now I couldn’t get it out of my head.
I was still thinking about what Clint had said when Lorrie texted about an hour later to tell me she was out front. Before I left the gym, I passed by the desk in the building’s entrance. To the right of the computer monitor perched on the desk was a picture of Clint and a woman with long brown hair. They were at a party and smiling wide. She must’ve been his wife. Was she the one who used to sit here at the front desk?
I glanced at the photo again. The two of them looked so happy and in love. It was sad to think about the short time the people in that picture had left together.
Chapter Twenty-four
DISTRACTION
Lorrie
Eventually, I got out of his bed and cleaned myself up in the bathroom. Even though I did my best, my eyes still looked puffy. Soon it was time to pick Hunter up at the gym. After finishing up with changing his pillowcase, I left, still spinning my wheels on how I could get past my obsession with Marco. The best I could think of was to ask my therapist about it the next time I saw her. For now I was an empty, exhausted husk.
I arrived at the gym and sent Hunter a text to let him know I was outside. A few minutes later he came out the front entrance. We exchanged short greetings and then I helped him into the car in silence. Once we were situated, I backed the car out and headed for home.
“Hey, thanks for taking me,” he said, once we were on our way.
I pursed my lips and nodded absently. At least he was in a better mood.
My mind wandered to the letter I’d sent Marco. Maybe I shouldn’t have been as cold. Maybe I should have pretended to forgive him, and then coaxed it out of him once I’d built up some trust. Would I have been able to do that? Maybe I could send him another one. I wished I could track whether he’d received the one I sent.
We came to a red light. Hunter looked at me curiously, his face concerned.
“Were you crying?” he asked.
My jaw clenched. “What makes you think that?”
“Your eyes are puffy.”
I glanced up at the rear view mirror. He was right. No point in lying about it now.
“Oh. Well, yeah I did cry a little bit. Just being emotional. I’m fine.”
He looked skeptical, but said nothing. We continued driving. I was glad we weren’t continuing our fight from before. At this point, I wasn’t sure I could take it.
I drifted to thinking about writing another letter to Marco. Maybe I could call the prison to see if the first one had been received. If I ever had to write another one, I was definitely paying for tracking information.
“. . . said some stuff and I got to thinking.”
Hunter was talking to me.
“Hm?” I asked, trying to pay attention.
“I said, Clint and I got to talking.”
“Oh, what did you talk about?”
My voice felt distant, even to myself. I did my best to push Marco from my mind and focus on Hunter. Why was I trying to put my emotional stability in the hands of a murderer? What good could possibly come from that?
On the other hand, I clearly couldn’t move on without some sort of closure. I had to find out why Marco did it so that things would start making sense again. Would I ever find out or was I going to be trapped by this forever?
“. . . really care about you. I don’t want to look back on my life wishing I had treated you differently.”
Hunter was staring at me. He shook his head in frustration and let out a heavy sigh. “Lorrie, are you even listening? I’m trying to apologize here.”
I rubbed my eyes. “Sorry, yes. I’m listening. Thank you for apologizing. I care about you too.”
He frowned. “What’s going on with you? Why were you crying?”
We were already half-way home and I barely remembered leaving the parking lot. My mind felt like it was trapped inside a cloud. I needed to snap out of it, fast.
“It’s nothing, Hunter. I’m sorry.”
No matter how it happened, I had to get this obsession with Marco’s motive for killing my mom out of my mind. It was popping up more and more and it had to stop if I was going to be able to give my relationship with Hunter the attention it needed.
“Why do you feel like you can’t tell me?”
Hunter was worried about me, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I doubted that talking about Marco would help get him out of my mind, but it would definitely give Hunter something more to worry about.
“I told you it’s nothing.”
He shook his head. “Lorrie, look, I fucking hate being in this chair and I know it’s hard on you too. I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. Sometimes I’m gonna fuck things up, but can you be patient with me? I promise you, I’m gonna work my ass off to get outta this chair as soon as I can.”
Hunter looked at me, his gray eyes focused and intense.
“It’s okay, it isn’t your fault.”
“Like hell it isn’t. I’m sorry I was being a dick earlier.”
“No really, I just . . . nevermind. Let’s talk about it later.”
He studied me suspiciously for a moment, but he didn’t say anything. When he realized that I had nothing else to add he sighed heavily and turned away to look out the window.
Somehow, I’d managed to make things worse. Hunter was doing everything he could to make this work while I kept messing things up. I scrambled for some way to save it, but everything I thought of sounded dumb. I had nothing.
I bit my lip and glanced over at him before returning my eyes to the road. Even though we were sitting only inches from each other, it felt like we couldn’t be further apart.
Chapter Twenty-five
ANSWERS
It was awkward between me and Hunter for the next few days. Every night, I’d have nightmares, and every day I would walk around in a fog. Aunt Caroline and Uncle Stewart seemed to notice the shift in our moods but gave us our space. I felt trapped in my own head. Even when I tried to focus on helping Hunter, my mind continued to drift back to thinking about Marco and my letter. I was thinking about asking my therapist for an emergency appointment.
Thursday afternoon rolled around. The two of us sat together in the living room, but neither of us felt like talking much. Aunt Caroline had left earlier in the afternoon to run some errands. She’d be coming back later after she picked the kids up from school. Uncle Stewart was still at work.
Hunter sat on the living room couch, watching TV. I sat beside him, a sketchpad open on my lap. After an hour, it was still blank.
Staring at an empty page wasn’t going to help me. I sucked in a deep breath and decided to check the mail, just like I had every day that week.
“I’m going to go see if the mailman came,” I said, standing up.
Hunter opened his mouth as if to say something, then he seemed to think better of it and just nodded. I turned and left. This was how it had been with us lately. On pins and needles.
I walked out the front of the house to the curb, opening the mailbox. There was a large stack of envelopes inside and I pulled them all out.
Coupons. Coupons. More coupons. Clothing catalog. Something forwarded to me from Arrowhart.
When I tore the envelope open, there was another envelope inside.
Cook County Penal System.
I froze in place, shivers running down my spine. My eyes scanned and rescanned the words as my chest pounded, blood rushing to my ears.
Marco had written me back. Finally.
My mind raced. Was this it? Was today the day I got some answers. After all my suffering, had I just needed to ask?
I tore the letter open and started to read:
Dear Lorrie,
I am very happy that you have written back. I want to to talk to you very much. I hope that one day we can understand each other.
I know you have a lot of questions and I will answer them, but you must come visit on May 11th. I will only tell you, nobody else. I am truly sorry. It must be on May 11th.
I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did and I only wish to find forgiveness now. Please find it in your heart to visit. It will help both of us move on to the next step. My PN is #276-2596. I put you on my guest list so the guards let you in.
With much love,
Marco
My heart sank. The date he gave me was the next day. It must’ve taken the letter a while to get to me. I was so close to getting the answers I needed, but he had to throw in one more step.
Still, though. The prospect of seeing him again face to face was scary, but if that was what I needed to do to get closure . . .
Why had it come now, when things couldn’t be worse for Hunter and me? Was this a sign? Was this the way out?
I walked back to the house on autopilot, clutching the letter in one hand and the rest of the mail in the other. When I came inside I tossed the mail on the counter and stood there, rereading Marco’s letter.
“Lorrie,” Hunter said. “Hey, Lorrie. Is something wrong?”
I shook the fog away and saw him sitting in his wheelchair next to me. His brows were furrowed in concern.
“Huh?”
His eyes darted to my hand. “You walked into the house like a zombie. Didn’t even hear me when I called your name. What’s going on?”
Marco’s letter was still clutched tightly between my fingers, a little clammy with my sweat.
I took a deep breath and tried to come back down to reality. “I’m sorry. I’m okay.”
“What’s that?” Hunter asked, looking at the letter with suspicion.
Even though I had been hiding the fact that my nightmares about Marco had been getting worse, it didn’t make sense to hide it anymore when the end of our problems was so close.
I held up the envelope. “Do you remember the letter I wrote to Marco? Well, he just wrote me back.”
“What did he say?” he asked, his eyes widening.
I didn’t feel like explaining every
thing, so I just handed the letter over. “Read it.”
He frowned and scanned it over quickly. When he was done, he cleared his throat. “I don’t think you should go.”
My face felt flushed. His response wasn’t what I was expecting. “Why?” I asked, louder than I meant to. “What if I want to go?”
“Something about it just doesn’t feel right,” he said, shaking his head. He had softened his tone, but I could tell he felt pretty strongly about this.
I didn’t say anything. This was the lifeline I had been looking for and now Hunter didn’t want me to go. A million things ran through my mind as I thought about how to explain to him how important this was for me.
Hunter sighed. “If he really wanted to give you some answers, why couldn’t he write them in the letter? Also, why did he choose a specific date? I dunno. Something seems off.”
I heard the words he was saying, but they didn’t sink in. All I could think about was the nightmares stopping. I could finally have some answers. An answer. That was worth the risk to me.
“I have to know,” I said. “It’s been driving me crazy, especially lately. I’ve been having all these dreams at night, and I’ve been daydreaming about it during the day, and I can barely think about anything else. If there’s any chance he will give me an answer, I have to try.”
He grimaced. “I dunno Lorrie, I really don’t wanna see you get hurt again by this guy. He kinda seems like a psycho.”
“I have to try!” I yelled. “I just have to! If it works, I’ll be free from this. I haven’t been there for you recently as much as I’d like to be, and it’s because I haven’t moved on from what happened to me yet. Don’t you see? Once I get the answers from Marco, I can finally just concentrate on us. On you. And why did the letter come now? Just when we need answers the most? It’s a sign . . . ”
I babbled on while Hunter reached his arm around my waist and hugged me tight to him. I started to push him away, but then stopped. It felt good to be in his arms.