“And Lorn?” I ask.
“He’s with that harpy, Victra.”
“What’s wrong with Victra?”
“Aside from the fact that she flirts with everything that moves? Nothing.”
“Wait. She flirts with you? Tell me more about that.”
“Shut it.” Mustang swats at me. But her smile falls just as quick and she pulls her hand back. “Lorn’s taken Victra under his wing. Seems he’s comfortable allying his family with the Julii. Victra’s mother has agreed to the pact. Three of the most powerful houses on Mars united under my family. A triumvirate against the Sovereign. The Governors of the Gas Giants are on their way to Agea for a summit. So too are the Reformers. You were right. We take Mars, we have a chance against Octavia. This isn’t just a battle any longer. It’s a civil war. And not a pointless one, it seems. Father is making talk of giving the Reformers a chance at the table. That … this means something.”
I remember my conversation with the man. “And you believe him?”
“I do, Darrow.” She smiles hopefully. “For the first time in a long time, I really do.”
I am not so sure. “What about …”
“Cassius?” she guesses quietly. “His father was killed by the Telemanuses, and he fought Ragnar on the wall. All his brothers and sisters are reported dead. But he and his mother are missing.”
I note her quiet. “Are you worried he’s dead?”
“He is our enemy,” she says flatly. “His welfare isn’t my concern.” She examines my eyes closely. “Are you worried?”
“I don’t know.” I consider.
“Goryhell. You’re so tender sometimes. Do you regret cutting off his arm, too?”
“I regret killing Julian.”
“We’re all stained by the past.” Mustang considers. “You forget I had to kill someone in the Passage too. Every Peerless Scarred you’ve ever met—Lorn, Sevro, Pebble, Tactus, Octavia, Daxo, we all started there. Often I think there’s too much to regret.”
Is she talking about us? Am I a regret?
“I want to hate Cassius,” I say slowly. “I really do. Even thinking of him makes me want to crush something. Break a window. Or, preferably, his ugly smug face.”
“Ugly?” she asks skeptically.
“So pretty he’s ugly.”
Mustang laughs at that. “But it’s hard to keep the hate going, isn’t it?” she asks.
I nod. Hate is what made Cassius’s family throw themselves against Augustus’s. Look what that brought them. “I pity him. Wherever he is.”
“Earlier I told you not to trust my brother,” Mustang says, redirecting the conversation. “I meant it. I know you continued your alliance with him. His companies are making you seem like a god. But it has to end. You owe him nothing. Be cordial. Be polite. Don’t disrespect him in public. But no more meetings. No more promises. Cut him off. You don’t need him anymore. You have me.”
This girl. Would that I could introduce her to Mother, to Kieran and Leanna. They’d like her fire. My throat tightens slowly. Eo would like her too.
“I don’t have you,” I say.
“Darrow …”
Something strange twists inside me. Like a tight spring of emotion finally allowed to uncoil. “When I was on the bottom of the river … I knew I wouldn’t see you again.”
She hesitates, wanting to reach for me, but resisting because of all we’ve said before. “You know you don’t have my leave to die,” she jokes instead. “Anyway, Sevro and the Howlers would never forgive you if you tried. None of them would. You’ve so many friends, Darrow. So many who’d run through fire for you.”
So many who have been burned. Shuddering, I take a long breath and close my eyes, trying not to let the guilt swallow me. The tears come quietly, trickling out the corners of my eyes.
“Darrow. Don’t cry,” Mustang whispers, reaching for me now. She scoots closer, holding me. “It’s all right. It’s all over. We’re safe.”
The sobs come, racking my chest.
She’s wrong. It’s not over. All I see behind my eyelids is a world of war. There is no other future for me, for us. Yet how many times have I already been pieced back together? How much longer can all these stitches hold? In the end, will there even be pieces left of me? I can’t stop crying. Can’t even catch my breath. Heart thundering. Hands shaking. It all comes out of me. Mustang, barely half my weight, holds me with her gentle arms till I’m exhausted and can do nothing but sink back into the bed. In time, my heart slows, finding rhythm to match hers.
We sit that way for what must be an hour. Eventually, she kisses my shoulder, my neck, lips pausing along the jugular as it pulses. I move my hands to move her away, but she pushes them to the side and cups my face with a hand.
“Let me in.”
I let my hands fall to the bed. Her mouth crafts a warm path to mine. There we share the taste of my tears as her top lips slides between my own and her tongue warms the inside of my mouth. Her hand slides up my neck, nails grazing the skin, till she finds purchase in my hair, tugging slightly at the tangle. Shivers lance my body.
Gone is any semblance of resistance. All the guilt that kept me from betraying Eo with Mustang is swept away in the chaos inside me. All the guilt I have for knowing she is a Gold and I am a Red vanishes. I’m a man, and she’s the woman I want.
My hands find Mustang, pulling her body onto mine, shadowing the length of her legs to the swell of her waist. Long-suppressed hunger wakes in me. Filling me with heat, aching for her. All of her. Forget my restraint. Forget my sadness. This is all I need. I won’t run. Not this time. Not when I know how close I came to never seeing her again.
I peel apart her clothing with slow force. Under my hands, the fabric is like wet paper. Her skin is smooth, hot marble warmed in the sun. Muscles coil and tense underneath as she arches her back. Hers is a body made for movement, mocking, coiling around mine. I trace my fingers along the curve of her lower back. She pushes into me, pulsing with breath, hips grinding me into the bed.
It may have been a week to her, but for me it was minutes, seconds ago that I kneeled against cold steel warmed by my own blood, waiting for men to cut off my head. This a moment I thought I would never have again as I dug Eo’s grave with my own trembling hands. A moment with a woman I want and love. And what is the bloodydamn point of surviving in this cold world if I run from the only warmth it has to offer?
44
The Poet
I walk slowly down the stone hall with Mustang. Out the windows, guards patrol the estate. They’re here to keep us as much as protect us. Rain falls lightly. Laughter drifts out an open door with the smells of coffee and bacon.
“What do you mean I can’t be funny?” Roque asks, offended.
“Just that,” Daxo says smoothly. “I’m sure you can try, but you’re too … scholastic.”
“Fine then, who was the first carpenter?”
“Is this a joke?” Daxo asks.
“It’s intended to be.”
“Jesus of Nazareth …?” Daxo guesses. “It is a history joke, yes?”
“Noah?” Pebble tries. Mustang and I pause outside the door, smiling to one another.
“Jesus of Nazareth?” Roque laughs. “You can do better than that.”
“If I knew I’d be mocked for guessing, I wouldn’t have guessed.”
“Pax said you were the smart one,” Thistle says. “Disappointing, Daxo. Disappointing.”
“Well, in comparison, he probably—” Clown begins. “Ow!”
“Don’t talk shit about Pax,” Pebble snaps. “Big man was a sweetie.”
“Does no one care about the answer?” Roque asks melodically. “Fine. Fine. I understand. You all think I’m a bore.”
“We’re dying to know,” Thistle snaps. “Do tell.”
“Who was the world’s first carpenter?” Roque asks again.
“You don’t have to start all over!” Pebble moans.
“Well, it works best that way.” R
oque sighs. “Eve.”
“Eve?” Daxo asks.
“Because …,” Roque leads. “She made Adam’s banana stand?”
A collective moan.
“That’s just embarrassing,” Pebble says with a sigh. “Never thought I’d miss Tactus.”
Then a high-pitched whining laugh springs out of Daxo. Just like Pax. “Eve! Eve, he said. Banana stand. Ahh.” It’s like the giants have little ridiculous elves inside them just waiting to spring out and cackle. Just takes a lot of provocation.
“I think he broke Daxo,” Pebble giggles.
“Does anyone smell that?” Clown asks.
“I smell bacon,” Daxo tries. There’s a crunch as he bites into a piece.
“No,” Clown says. “Smells like a suicidal madman recently risen from the dead after conquering a planet and abandoning his friends to get himself cut to gory ribbons like a slagging fool.”
Daxo sniffs. “That’s a particular scent.”
“Oh, Darrow dear,” Clown calls. “Are you lurking behind the door?”
Mustang pushes me out awkwardly.
“You eavesdropping Pixie!” Daxo glides to his feet and pulls me into a surprisingly gentle hug. The golden angels on his bald head glitter in the morning light. “Glad to see you, my friend.”
They all greet me in turn. More hugs than I’ve ever received from Golds. Roque hugs me mechanically. A perfunctory gesture. There is still mending to be done.
I gorge myself on breakfast as my friends banter. We spend the day on the property, whiling away time in conversation and games. It’s been so long since I’ve had either that I’ve nearly forgotten how to do nothing. Mustang has to kiss my ear and tell me to relax three times before it really sticks. We’re in the library listening to music when she sees Roque out the window on the lawn. She nudges me.
“Go.”
I find Roque watching a pair of deer eat from a feeder underneath an old elm. He doesn’t turn to look at me as I sidle up next to him. It smells like fresh-cut grass. The sea somewhere over the hill.
“It makes sense this is where Mustang grew up,” I say. “It’s wild and tranquil all at once.”
“My home was in the city,” Roque says. “Though I snuck off to the country with my tutors whenever Mother was away. Which was often. She seemed to think there was nothing out here worthwhile. That the business of cities was more important than this. But this why we fight, isn’t it?”
“For land?” I ask.
“For peace, in whatever way we find it.” He turns to me. “Isn’t that why you fight?”
“Some of us weren’t born with peace,” I say, gesturing to the deer and the land. “I didn’t have this growing up. Anything I have now or will have in the future I have to earn. But you’re right. It’s why I fight, so I can have this for me and the people I care about.”
His eyes search my face. “Fair enough.”
“I want to apologize to you, Roque.”
“Oh?”
“Since the Academy, I’ve kept you at arm’s length. I’ve taken you for granted. I shouldn’t have done that. Not when you’ve always been so kind to me.”
“I didn’t mind that it was always about you, Darrow. That was what burned Tactus, but nor me. I’m not in love with you like Mustang. I don’t worship you like Sevro or the Howlers. I was a true friend. I was someone who saw your light and your dark and accepted both without judgment, without agenda. And what did you do to me? You used me like a man uses a horse. I’m better than that. Quinn was better than that.”
“Are you better than this friendship?” I ask quietly, afraid of the answer.
“I think I’m better than you,” he says. I step back, wounded. He watches the deer nibble at the grain in the feeder. “I’ve sat by the bedsides of three friends this year. Quinn, Tactus, and you. Each time I knew I would have gladly have switched places with any of you. Would you wish the same?”
“I’d give my life to bring them back,” I say, knowing it is a lie. Much as I love these Golds, I have greater responsibilities. Until this is over, it’s not my life to give.
He turns from the deer to watch me, eyes warm and sad and carrying so much more weight than they ever should. He’s different from me, from Cassius. We called him brother, and he was one better than either of us deserved. “Have you ever wondered why they put me in House Mars? I’m not the typical draft. Most would probably put me in Apollo or Juno.”
“Quinn always had that competition in her blood. But you … Yes, I’ve wondered.”
“Darrow.” I turn to see Sevro standing behind us in uniform. “It’s urgent.”
“Not now, Sevro.”
“Reap, I’m not shitting you,” he says.
I look back to Roque. “Go,” he says, and walks toward the deer, pulling berries from his pocket.
“Roque,” I call to him plaintively.
“Friendships take minutes to make, moments to break, years to repair,” he says, turning to glance over his shoulder. “We’ll talk again soon.”
I watch him go, feeling a small bit of hope warm me. I turn to Sevro and clap his shoulder. “Good to see you. Sorry about—”
“Piss off. I’m not a whiny little bitch like the poet. It’s Ares. Your friends, the Red, the Pink, and the Violet, have gotten themselves captured.”
“By whom?”
“Who do you think? The Jackal.”
45
Helldivers
My ship lands in the early morning snowfall of Attica, a southern mountain city set on seven peaks. Jagged buildings of steel and glass christen the peaks like icy thorn crowns, now dusted with fresh powder. The red morning sun rises over the mountain range to the east. Bridges link the seven peaks, and the city’s lesser wards spill around the roots of the mountains. My shuttle flies over them. Plows melt paths through the snow with pulsing orange blades. Soon, midColor landcars will flow along the avenues. And highColor shuttles will ferry Silvers and Golds to their offices on the mountain peaks. Remote and renowned for its banking, Attica is a prime seat of power. It belongs now to the Jackal.
Under heavy guard by ripWings, I land on a platform surrounded by evergreens. Several lurchers wait there in white tactical gear. A lone Gold stands with them. Victra embraces me with a hug, a white fur pelt pulled tight about her shoulders. Jade earrings clatter in the breeze as the Grays inspect the outside of my ship.
“Victra,” I say, holding her back to look at her. She grins devilishly and kisses my cheek, grabbing my butt as she does. I jump in surprise. She laughs merrily.
“Just making sure the pieces are in order. You had us worried, darling. Roque kept me apprised while I was with Lorn.”
“Brokering another alliance, I hear.”
“Who would have thought, Victra au Julii, the peacemaker.”
The Grays notify me that they have orders to search my ship.
“Ragnar,” I call. He steps out of the ship’s confines, near twice the size of the largest Gray. “Let the mice search the ship. They’re looking for …”
The Gray spares a glance at Ragnar, swallows. “Bombs, dominus.”
Victra escorts me into the Jackal’s new home—a fortress citadel atop the highest of Attica’s peaks. The city stretches far beneath us. Trees line the path from the landing pad to the citadel. “Adrius took the place soon as the last Bellona ship retreated. Came in with a thousand lurchers and displaced the Bellona allies who owned the place. Took all they had. Emptied their bank accounts. Full-on theft. But that’s war.” She nods to the west. “Wonderful slopes just a few klicks out. We’ll take a few days when this all settles down. You bring Virginia, I’ll find myself a man.” Nearly my own height, she looks sideways at me. “You do ski, don’t you?”
I snort out a laugh. “Never had the time.”
We find the Jackal in his living room. Walls and floor are glass. Fire swirls under the floor, licking up in columns near the window. Several minimalist chairs of steel and leather sit on fur rugs. The Jackal i
s hunched over a holoDisplay, speaking quickly to someone. He motions us to take a seat. On the holo, I glimpse Harmony in a dark room, surrounded by Grays. One is hunched over her, doing something with some device I can’t quite see.
We sit by the flames, but a chill goes through me that no fire can dispel.
The Jackal finishes, giving a dataStrip to Sun-hwa before she leaves. He joins us, rubbing the back of his neck.
“So many moving parts.” He winces. “Hell, organizing the food shipments alone takes a hundred Coppers. And those odious little shits will spend all day bickering about whether or not a ship should have granola or muesli in its galley. Both is an option. Both! How difficult is that, really? It’s like they enjoy the spreadsheets and busywork. Mind boggling.”
“I keep telling him he should delegate more efficiently,” Victra says. So they’ve been talking too. I’m behind.
“I hate delegating,” the Jackal replies. He scratches his head. “At least with numbers and particulars. You two can take all the gory planets you like. Just leave me my bureaucracy, please.”
“Kind of you,” I laugh. “Just keep me away from food requisition orders.” I lean forward. “I hear the fleet will be ready to depart for the Core in two weeks. By the bye, wonderful new home you have.”
“I like it,” he sighs. “Father is furious I took it for myself, of course. I wanted to give it as a present to one of the Governors of the Gas Giants.”
“I think you’ve earned it,” I say. “That and more.”
“Exactly.” The Jackal makes a tired motion with his lone hand. “I came here as a boy to ski with Mother. I always looked up here and said it’d be mine. Father said you can’t have everything you want.”
“And you asked, Why not?” Victra says. She’s already heard the story.
“Why not?” the Jackal repeats the words fondly. “So if Father wants it back, he’ll have to make his own food purchase orders.”
We all know it isn’t food purchase orders that occupies his time. Not solely.
I accept a cup of tea from a Pink. A small spread of breakfast is placed in front of me. I’m seven hours behind this timezone, but I can’t let on how nervous I am.