its touch makes me cringe. “I missed you.” Then it starts to take off its black cargo pants. I take off my gray jacket, shaking the snow off of it. Thing is taking off its red underwear. Laying down on the floor, it says, “you do me, then I’ll do you.”
Instinctively, I climb on top. That’s when I notice the cable cord running along the wall. “Don’t keep me waiting.” The onion on its breath hits my nose. I look in its eyes and smile. In open quick motion I grabbed the cable cord and wrap it around Thing’s neck. I pull the cord tight, and its eyes bulges eye, that scares me.
Thing starts to fight, that won’t help, I outweigh it by one hundred pounds. Thing’s scratching at my hands. I pull the cord tighter. I start to think about what I’m doing, this isn’t me. This isn’t who I want to be. I’m better than this. I loosen my grip on the cord. I was about to get up when Thing asks me “why are you doing this?”
Any guilt or hesitation, I may have felt immediately went away. I pulled the cord so tight, my hands burned. Thing continues to struggle under me. I rest all of my weight on top of it. A calm came over me as I watched Thing take its last breath. I stared into its eyes and watched its soul leave its body.
That’s usually the point where I wake up with a smile on my face. After the dreams I usually feel relaxed when I wake, but it’s never with a smile. “All done,” I said, handing Zakiyyah the paper. She took it and places it on her desk without reading it. “Are you going to read it?”
“Later. Tell me how you feel.”
I thought about it. I didn’t feel relaxed. “I don’t feel anything. I’m numb.”
“Do you think writing this dream out helped you any?”
“How is it supposed to help?” I didn’t mean to be short with her.
“Why are you so upset today?”
“I have had this jean romper in my closet for months. It’s short, stopping mid-thigh. I finally had the confidence to wear it. I thought I looked good. While walking in the mall, two guys were behind me. I overhear one of them say “wide load knows she has no business wearing that.” “She should have put tights under,” the other said. Just like that, I lost all the confidence I had. I ran to my car and cried like a baby.”
“Everyone is going to have an opinion. If you thought you looked good, then you should have paid those little boys no mind.”
“You don’t understand, it’s not that easy.”
She sighed. “I usually don’t get this personal with a client, but here goes. It had not been easy to accept my skin color, but I have. That doesn’t mean I don’t have setbacks. Do you know what my brother got me last Christmas?” I shook my head. “A gift certificate for skin bleaching, I cried hard about that.”
“Your brother is an asshole.”
“I agree. The point I’m trying to make, is that we all have weak spots. For you, it’s your weight, for me, it’s my complexion. Remember when you said you wanted to be me, well, I want to be Lupita Nyong'o.”
“She is beautiful.”
“Isn’t she. She owns every red carpet, she walks down. What I really love about her, is how she wears her blackness like a crown. It’s only natural for women to compare themselves to each other.”
“You know, you are really good at this.”
“I try.” She got serious. “We haven’t talked about Thing in the last few sessions.”
“One time Thing sat on my face. Thing wanted me to lick its butthole. I resisted or I wasn’t doing it right. Thing told me to lay down on the floor, then sat on my face. Thing was so heavy; I thought my head was going to crush at any moment. I prayed it would hurry up and get off me. When Thing was done, it took me to the kitchen, washed out my mouth, then stuck its tongue down my throat. Then it made me kiss its dirty neck.”
“How do you feel after?”
“Dirty, ashamed, a little worthless. I lashed out by pouring some of my aunt’s pills down the toilet. It was supposed to only be a few, but the whole bottle fell out.” I chuckled a little bit. “Thing caught me, then had the nerve to tell on me, forgetting what it had just done to me.”
8
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, but do you ever feel that your silence is putting other children at risk?”
Today was a new session, not much has happened since my last one. “All the time. It’s a constant fear for me. Thing has four nieces all of whom who live with it. Every time I close my eyes, I think about what Thing may be doing to those poor kids.”
“Then why don’t you say anything?”
“Nothing would happen if I did. Everyone protects Thing, as a favor to grandma. Thing is her baby.”
“What has Thing been up to lately? Do you still keep in contact?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“Some victims of sexual abuse avoid their attacker; others go on like nothing happened.”
“A little of both I guess. I know just enough about Thing, to make sure I stay far away from it. The greatest day of my life was when it moved five hours away.”
“Did you and Thing ever talk about the abuse.”
“Hell no. Because of the age difference we didn’t have to spend much time together. And when she moved to a different neighborhood the abuse happened less frequently.”
“About how many times would you say Thing molested you?”
I thought back. “I can remember eight times, there could have been more.”
“Did Thing ever penetrate you?”
“No. Just oral. I wish I had bitten it off.”
“If you ever told, it would be your word against Thing’s. When was the next time Thing molested you?’
“Well the next time was kind of different. It was Christmas vacation, Thing and I and gone to visit our grandma. The first night we were there, Thing took my hand and rubbed it against its crouch, then made me lick it. “Do I taste good?” I just nodded. What kind of sense does that make?”
“It’s called conditioning. What happened next?”
“Then it said “I wish we were alone.” I was afraid. The hair on my body stood up. I knew what would happen once the lights went out. So I grabbed my suitcase and went to my aunt’s house. I thought I’d be safe there. Well, I must have been a pedophile magnet, because that didn’t happen.”
“Oh, my God. Your aunt molested you?”
“No, my aunt is a good woman. At that time, she was in a new relationship. Her new fiancée and his father came to visit. One night he was babysitting while they went out. While I was asleep, he came in the room and tried to rape me. I started to cry and he ran out of the room.”
“Did you tell anyone?”
“Yes. Later that night I called my mom in tears. She was mad at me for waiting so long to tell someone.”
“Do you know what happened to him?”
“No. I searched for him on the internet, but nothing came up. I could have asked my uncle, I just felt it was best if I left it alone.”
“How did you handle it?”
“Better than I thought I would. I only had one dream and that was it.
“Was that the last time?”
“No, the last time was maybe four years after that.”
“How old were you?”
I guess I couldn’t avoid that question forever. “I was fifteen maybe sixteen.” I put my head down in shame.
“There is no need to be ashamed. Some people are abused well into their adult years, especially if their abuser is related to them.”
“I thought pedophiles had age preferences.”
“Most times, but not always. This wasn’t your fault.”
“You don’t understand. That time I…” I couldn’t say it. I was much too ashamed. Zakiyyah read my mind.
“You orgasmed. Cassandra that still does not make it your fault. If a woman who is raped has an orgasm, does that mean she wanted it or enjoyed it? No. You were a hormonal teenager; it was your body’s natural response to sexual stimuli.”
“I gave Thing instructions. I moaned
and begged it not to stop. There is no justification you can give that will excuse that. After that I made it a priority to stay as far away from Thing as possible. I was never alone with Thing again after that. It is hot in here,” I pulled off my jacket.
“Dear lord, Cassandra, what happened to your wrist?”
“Nothing,” I said, pulling my jacket back on.
“Cassandra, that looks like something to me. Did you try to harm yourself?”
“No.”
“You can tell me. If we need to figure out another treatment plan, we can do that. Maybe up your sessions or an inpatient treatment program.”
I jumped out of my chair. “Oh, hell no, you are not locking me in a looney bin.”
“If you are hurting yourself, there may not be another option.”
“I told you, I did not try to kill myself.”
“Then what happened to your arm?”
“I don’t know. I remember leaving your office, the next thing I know an angel is tapping my wrist.” That may have sounded crazy, but that’s what happened.
“An angel,” she looked at me like I was nuts. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Well, that’s what happened. An angel wrapped my wrist.”
There was a knock on the door. Jimmy stuck his head in. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but it is thirty minutes past closing.”
“I’ll be leaving now,” I said, grabbing my purse.
“Cassandra wait a minute. Jimmy you can go ahead and leave. I’ll close up.” He nodded and left. She reached for me and I pulled away. “Cassandra I care about you, probably more than I should, I only want what is best for you.”
“No you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be trying to lock me away in some crazy