Chapter 23
I pushed away, turning my back on him. It was too hard to look into those blue eyes and know he was seeing what he wanted to see.
“I'm not her,” I said, struggling to keep my voice even. “I know how badly you want it to be true but I'm, Jéhenne. Just because we look alike ...” I stopped, shaking my head, too overcome with disappointment and misery to try to explain.
“You knew how to open it, Jéhenne,” he said, and I could hear the excitement, the determination in his words. He would make me be her. “There is a spell cast on the bracelet. You had sisters, they were always taking your things so you cast a spell so that no one but you could open the clasp.
I turned on him, anger overcoming sorrow. “So the spell wore off!” I shouted, feeling heat and magic burn at my hands. “Or maybe it just reacted to the bloodline after so many centuries. It doesn't give you proof.”
“The spell still works, Jéhenne,” he said, and I could see there would be no arguing with him as he stepped closer to me.
“So that must mean that I’m her, right?” I shook my head, not bothering to wipe away the tears that were falling faster now as I struggled with the clasp to take the bracelet off. I never wanted to see it again.
Corvus caught my hand, stopping me. “You couldn’t have found it by chance,” he said, his grip on my arm hard and his words just as sure.
“Of course I found it!” I yelled, trying to pull my arm free. “You practically guided me to it. You wanted me to find it, you set me up!”
He shook his head and I felt the prickle of his temper against my skin as anger and frustration began to burn in him too.
“It has to mean something!” He was shouting now and I caught my breath as the force of his anger blazed around me. “It’s not just that you found it - it’s the fact that you opened it as well. You not only knew how to open it, but it actually did open for you. It’s unique, only one person has ever worn it.”
I sobbed and pulled away from him. “All this time and I didn’t want to believe my own thoughts,” I whispered. “Well, I can’t pretend that I don’t know the truth anymore.”
“What do you mean?” he demanded.
“You see her and not me! I let myself believe that you loved me, me, Corvus! Not some woman who died two thousand years ago but it isn't true. You want her not me. You want me to be her.”
Corvus looked just as shaken as I was and he moved forward once more, reaching out and taking my hands in his, gentle now as though I was some frightened wild thing that would run from him. “I know you are different, Jéhenne,” he said, holding my eyes. “But you are so like her too. I was wrong when I said you weren't. I didn't know you then but now I see it. You have all of her passion and vibrancy ... and temper,” he added, with a wry smile.
I shook my head, suddenly exhausted. “You love a ghost,” I whispered, meeting his eyes at last. “That’s all it means.”
“No!”
He reached out with both arms, pulling me against him in a crushing embrace. I tried to pull away again but he refused to let me go, so I just stood there, rigid with misery, until he moved back and held me at arm’s length, looking fiercely into my eyes.
“Jéhenne, I’m sorry, I know this is hard for you but I believe it with all my heart.” He sighed and softened his voice, trying to make me understand, but I could never believe anything but the fact he loved someone else. “I understand that you’re a different person now, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be her as well. You need to believe me when I say that I love you for yourself, not just because you look like her.”
I laughed, hearing a bitter defeated sound come from my lips. “How can I believe you?” I asked, knowing there was nothing that could convince me otherwise.
“By trusting me.”
I looked up at him, wanting to say I would but knowing it would be a lie. “I don’t think I can do that.”
Corvus watched me, desperation etched on his face. “Please, Jéhenne, think about what I’m saying.”
I shook my head and looked at the floor, knowing I would lose any tenuous grip I had on my emotions if I looked at him again, I felt him sigh and his arms tightening around me.
“I don’t care what I have to do, Jéhenne, but I will prove it to you.”
“I want you to,” I mumbled into his chest. “More than anything but it doesn't change anything.”
“I promise you I will, my heart.”
“That's what you called her. Isn't it?” I asked bitterly.
There was an awful silence as I realised that I hadn’t known this for sure until now.
“Yes.”
The admission just broke my heart a little more, it didn't change anything. I tried to pull away from his arms but he held me in place.
“Stubborn little witch,” he whispered, the frustration behind the words only too obvious.
I shrugged. “I can’t change that, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you to change!” he said, growing ever more vexed with me. “I wouldn’t change anything, Jéhenne.”
He reached out to touch my face with the back of his hand and brushed the corner of my mouth. I caught him by the wrist and there was hope in his eyes, but the bracelet was still in my hand. I slid it gently into his palm and closed his fingers over it. The hope faded and he opened his mouth to speak but it seemed he couldn’t find the right words and I was confronted once again by those cobalt eyes. Without being able to help it, my lips parted slightly. He put his hand on the back on my neck, and then pressed his mouth against mine.
Before I could stop myself I was kissing him back, clutching at his hair and pulling him towards me. Shakily I got myself under control and pushed him away.
“Don’t,” I said, trying to steady my breathing. “Don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“Jéhenne,” he said, and the desperation behind my name made my chest ache. “I am begging you. Don’t do this to me. I’ve just got you back, I can’t lose you all over again.”
There were tears streaming down my face and I wanted nothing more but to go to him, to pretend he really loved me, but I shook my head. I wanted to be loved for me. Was that selfish? Too much to expect? To believe the person I was now was worth it all by herself?
“Prove it, Corvus, please,” I begged him, knowing full well he’d never be able to and then I turned to leave.
He followed me to the door.
“At least stay here where you will be safe,” he said, sounding angry again. “I’ll be away for a few days anyway. It's not like I'll be here.”
“I can’t, I’m sorry. I need a bit of space… I think you do too.”
He laughed and I was shocked to hear the bitterness in voice. “I’ve had more than enough space for many lifetimes, Jéhenne. All I want is to be with you.”
I turned back to him for a moment but I didn’t know what to say. He gazed back at me steadily.
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head, his expression bleak and hard. “You cannot possibly understand, Jéhenne, but you will. You are mine… you always have been.”
He leaned down and pressed his lips against my forehead. My heart sped up as he stared into my eyes.
“Cor meum semper erit tuum,” he murmured. His mouth was inches from mine, but at the last second, as I thought I was going to give in, he pulled away, and I forced myself to turn away from him.
“Where will you stay?”
I hesitated, knowing he wouldn’t like my answer. “I might ask Rodney if I can stay with him until I sort myself out.”
He scowled at me as predicted. “Rodney?”
“We’re just friends, Corvus - you know that. He loves Amelia.”
He snorted. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it, and anyway, it’s not safe enough there, you should stay with Remé.”
I shook my head, feeling stubborn and bloody minded. “I can look after myself now,” I said, knowing that wasn't entirely true, but I cou
ldn't rely on him anymore and I wasn't going near Gran again after everything she'd done. “It’s not like before. While we were apart I made some changes, besides, it’s my decision.”
He stood with his arms folded, not looking at all happy, but I think he knew better than to try and force me as he said nothing. I wondered if it was because Jéhnina had been just as pig-headed and decided I didn't want to know. I put my hand on his arm as I remembered where he was going.
“You will be careful in Paris, won’t you?”
He covered my hand with his own and smiled, warmth in his eyes as he realised I was anxious for him. “Of course, there is no need for you to worry.”
“I will though.”
The smile grew at that, and I reached up and kissed his cheek lightly before turning and walking away to find Rodney.
The thought of being away from Corvus again was appalling but I was too proud and yes, pig-headed, to let things carry on while Jéhnina stood between us.
When I got to the kitchen, Rodney was not in a good mood. He had bolognaise sauce down his shirt and was trying to clean it off his DMs with a cloth. When I asked him what had happened he pointed furiously at Astro.
“Him and that bloody bird! That’s what bleedin’ well happened,” he exclaimed. “This place is turning into a flamin’ pet shop.”
“Thanks for feeding him, anyway,” I frowned at Astro who was calmly cleaning spaghetti sauce off his whiskers.
Rodney was exasperated with me when he discovered I wasn’t going to stay at the Château. I tried to explain why and what had happened, but Rodney had always believed it was possible I was Jéhnina reincarnated, so I was fighting a losing battle. He was amazed that Corvus had come to the same conclusion and said as much. We very nearly ended up having an all-out row but thankfully, Rodney also had the sense to shut his mouth before my temper ran away with me.
He said, of course I could come and stay and after a bit of huffing and puffing agreed that I could bring Astro with me. He also agreed to go and get my stuff from Gran’s the next day as I couldn’t face her at the moment. I didn’t honestly know if I could ever forgive her for what she’d done, but I’d think about that another day. I had enough to worry about for now.
Rodney’s house was a little further away from the Château than the cottage, but that was fine by me. It stood by itself, halfway up a small hill, surrounded by woodland and not much else. It was a pretty idyllic place.
“It ain't up to much,” he said, sounding nervous when I pulled my car up behind his in the driveway.
I shook my head and grinned at him. “It’s just lovely, Rodney.”
It really was. The front entrance opened up into a living room with a cosy little wood burner, though the weather was far too hot to light it at the moment. There was an armchair, a squashy sofa with brightly coloured cushions scattered across it, a couple of mismatched bookcases, and a wide-screen TV hung on the wall, with a DVD player underneath. Rodney led me into the kitchen where he put a battered old kettle on the stove and left it to boil. I sat down on the sofa and closed my eyes until Rodney spoke.
“So what now, then?” he said. I opened my eyes to see him looking at me, arms folded and a slightly exasperate expression on his face.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, finding tangles. “I’ve no idea.”
Rodney shook his head, rolling his eyes and I felt once again like I needed to justify myself.
“Rodney, he was madly in love with a woman that looked exactly like me. He's been waiting all this time for her to come back to him. He calls me the same thing that he called her. Every time he looks at me, I can’t be sure whether he sees me or her … how could I not doubt what his real feelings are?”
He shrugged. “I’d say his feelings were pretty clear to everyone but you Jéhenne.”
I sighed again and tried to find a way to explain.
“Look, Rodney, imagine that Amelia was married to your identical twin brother and that they were idyllically happy. They were soul mates. Now imagine that he was tragically killed. Amelia mourns him for a long time but then tells you that she’s in love with you. Wouldn’t you wonder if she’d still feel the same, if you didn’t look like you did?”
He pursed his lips, clearly thinking it over and then huffed out a frustrated breath. “Well, I guess … when you put it like that, I can kind of see where you’re coming from, but I’m willing to bet that Corvus ain't going to give you up so easy.”
“I hope not,” I said with a small voice.
Rodney snorted and shook his head. “Women!”
In the kitchen, the kettle started to make a shrill whistling noise, and Rodney got up from the armchair.
“Want a cup of tea or something to eat?”
“No thanks, I think I’ll just go to bed, if that’s OK?”
“Alright then, luv, I’ll show you your room.”
I was actually starving. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, but I was too tired and fed up to make the effort. I just wanted to sleep.
It was a nice room, although the heavy, flowery pink wallpaper, which Rodney was quick to explain was here when he moved in, put me in mind of the room I had just shared with Corvus. It also made me think of what our plans had been for tonight. Why did nothing ever work out between us? Rodney seemed to sense my misery and pulled me into an awkward hug.
“Don’t you worry, my lovely, it’ll all come out in the wash, you’ll see. Trust your Uncle Rodney.”
I nodded at him the lump in my throat making it impossible to speak.
“Night, Jéhenne,”
“Night.”
He shut the door gently behind him. I crawled into bed and fell asleep in seconds only to be woken again, what felt like minutes later, by Rodney tapping nervously on the door. He’d come to tell me that Corin had turned up for a training session. How the hell did he know where to find me?
“Tell him to come back later,” I groaned.
“I’ve tried that. He said that he’ll come in and get you out of bed himself if you don’t get up now, luv.” I glared at him and he shrugged. “I wouldn't let Corin in your bedroom if I was you.” He gave me a look I didn't understand and I frowned. “Jus, sayin', luv,” he said, chuckling at me.
I buried my face in the pillow, muffling a scream, before dragging myself out of bed and tugging on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that Rodney had found for me. They were enormous and I had to tie some string around the shorts to stop them falling down. My hair was matted and tangled, so I gave it a hasty brush through. I’d have to shower later, Corin obviously wasn’t going to let me have one before we started training.
I staggered out into the living room and snatched at the mug of coffee Rodney handed me. I gulped the scalding hot liquid down as quickly as I could, burning my tongue in the process and then walked out of the door and into the blinding sunlight. The front of the house was basically a small field, and Corin seemed to think that this was a good place to practice. I wasn’t so sure. The sun had baked the earth dry and I suspected that it was going to be very unforgiving if I ended up being repeatedly slammed into it. Corin nodded at me as I approached him, taking note of the shadows under my eyes.
“You haven’t been sleeping well.” It was a statement, not a question.
I snorted. “Not really.”
He gave me a considering look, taking in my dishevelled state with curiosity. “Well, you need to, otherwise you’re only training when you’re tired, and you need energy for this.” His lips quirked a little but I ignored it.
“You’re telling me,” I muttered crossly.
Two hours later I was dripping with sweat and an unflattering shade of red. Corin headed for the shade of a big oak tree at the side of the cottage and I collapsed on the ground beside him.
“How did you know where to find me?” I asked when I’d got my breath back a little.
“Inés said you would either be at the Château or here.”
“Do yo
u know what she did?”
He looked at me intently with his deep golden eyes and I shivered. Why did I always feel he was hiding something?
He leaned back and I felt the weight of that gaze on me. It made me nervous. “I’ve heard rumours - you rescued the vampire?”
“Yes.” I watched him, wondering what he thought about Corvus, but he didn’t react at all and I wondered exactly what was going on behind that extraordinary gold.
“She knows then?” I said, wondering how she'd taken the news.
He laughed, a soft warm sound that rolled through me. “Oh yes, she knows,” he replied. “And she said to say - she’s not sorry.”