good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic
way)--if he found his children departing from the wholesome rules
of morality, religion, and decorum--if he found in high or low--in
the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter who cleaned
the steps--if he found the slightest taint of dissipation, he would
cast the offender from him--yea, though he were his own son, he
would cast him from him!
As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't
know what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips:
all except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to
whistle. When Mr. B. had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he
turned round; and oh, how my heart thumped as he looked me full in
the face! How it was relieved, though, when he shouted out in a
thundering voice -
"MR. ROBERT SWINNEY!"
"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the
chaps began to titter.
"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before,
"when you came into this office--this family, sir, for such it is,
as I am proud to say--you found three-and-twenty as pious and well-
regulated young men as ever laboured together--as ever had confided
to them the wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire. You
found, sir, sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs
were uttered in this place sacred to--to business; no slanders were
whispered against the heads of the establishment--but over them I
pass: I can afford, sir, to pass them by--no worldly conversation
or foul jesting disturbed the attention of these gentlemen, or
desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You found
Christians and gentlemen, sir!"
"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. "Didn't my
governor take sha-?"
"Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in this
establishment, which will yield him one day an immense profit. He
DID take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. I glory
in saying that every one of my young friends around me has a
father, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a
similar way with our glorious enterprise; and that not one of them
is there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal commission,
other persons to join the ranks of our Association. BUT, sir, I am
its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed by me; and
in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, sir!--leave
us--quit a family that can no longer receive you in its bosom! Mr.
Swinney, I have wept--I have prayed, sir, before I came to this
determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. DEPART
FROM OUT OF US!
"Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B.: that cock won't
fight!"
"They shall be paid to your father, sir."
"My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if
you don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you,--by Jingo, I will!
I'll have you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney!"
"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of
this perverted young man."
"Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried
out that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, RE-ceipted. You
needn't cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a
glass of punch this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your
man, and nothing to pay. If Mr. Brough WOULD do me the honour to
come in and take a whack? Come, don't say no, if you'd rather
not!"
We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like
mad.
"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite
blue; and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away
with his "tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he
was gone, Mr. Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all
determined to profit; and going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm
round his neck, and looked over the ledger.
"What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?" he said, in a very
kind way.
"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and
six--say 904L. 10S. 6D. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up;
grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two
instalments--three fifties, sir."
"He's always grumbling!"
"He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our
dividend day."
"Any more?"
Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen
hundred pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now; though
when I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke,
and read the newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a
stray customer came. Brough never cared about our laughing and
singing THEN, and was hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was
in early times, before we were well in harness.
"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo,
Roundhand--bravo, gentlemen! Remember, every share you bring in
brings you five per cent. down on the nail! Look to your friends--
stick to your desks--be regular--I hope none of you forget church.
Who takes Mr. Swinney's place?"
"Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir."
"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir: you
are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is
consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy
mother, sir--your dear and excellent parent? In good health I
trust? And long--long, I fervently pray, may this office continue
to pay her annuity! Remember, if she has more money to lay out,
there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is a year
older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why not you as well as
another? Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound note does no
harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego?"
"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap
that informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as indeed we
all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that
they WERE jokes; only we used to know it by his face.
"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business.
Mrs. Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to
Fulham."
"Law, that's very polite!" said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased.
"Name your day, my boy! Say Saturday, and bring your night-cap
with you."
"You're very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond
anything, but--"
"But--no buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer
does me the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him; for
the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best
actuary in the three kingdoms."
Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as THAT, though he
had told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and
Sunday at Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led,
>
were sure that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady
when she heard what was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very
much, that was the fact; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said
she didn't know where Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs.
Roundhand. Though, to be sure, her coachman might have found out
the way.
"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for
seven hundred, will you! Come, don't stare, man; I'm not going to
run away! That's right,--seven hundred--and ninety, say, while
you're about it! Our board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll
account for it to them before I drive you down. We shall take up
the Chancellor at Whitehall."
So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with
Mr. Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he
always drove four horses even in the City, where it's so
difficult), which was waiting at the office-door for him.
Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the
Company; but there was never believing half of what that Bob said,
he used to laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a
gent by the name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together
with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Street--where we occupied a very
genteel two-pair--found our flute duet rather tiresome that
evening, and as it was a very fine night, strolled out for a walk
West End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden Theatre we
found ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and recollected Bob
Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that he had
meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look
in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so.
There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would
be, we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a
great smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and
banging away at the table with the bottoms of their glasses.
What a shout they made as we came in! "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's
two more! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot
waters, and two more goes of gin! Who would have thought of seeing
Tit, in the name of goodness?"
"Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance."
At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a
positive fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by
chance! However, chance gave us a very jovial night; and that
hospitable Bob Swinney paid every shilling of the score.
"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the
health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present
of 21L. 5s. which he made me this morning. What do I say--21L.
5S.? That and a month's salary that I should have had to pay--
forfeit--down on the nail, by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I
intended to do to-morrow morning. I've got a place--a tip-top
place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a year, my
own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and
spermaceti. Here's confusion to gas, and the health of Messrs.
Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!"
I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex
Insurance Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though
the real names are neither given to the office nor to the chairman,
as you may be sure), because the fate of me and my diamond pin was
mysteriously bound up with both: as I am about to show.
You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the
West Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of
them; had received a classical education; and especially because I
had a rich aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I
used to boast a good deal. There is no harm in being respected in
this world, as I have found out; and if you don't brag a little for
yourself, depend on it there is no person of your acquaintance who
will tell the world of your merits, and take the trouble off your
hands.
So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and
took my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that
looks into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that
Mrs. Hoggarty, though she had not given me a large sum of money, as
I expected--indeed, I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the
river, should the promised riches have come to me--I let them know,
I say, that though my aunt had not given me any money, she had
given me a splendid diamond, worth at least thirty guineas, and
that some day I would sport it at the shop.
"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mock-jewel
and gold-lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he
should have a sight of it as soon as it was set. As my pocket-
money was run out too (by coach-hire to and from home, five
shillings to our maid at home, ten to my aunt's maid and man, five-
and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I said, and fifteen-and-six
paid for a silver scissors for the dear little fingers of
Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to dine,
and advanced me 7L. 1S. 8D., a month's salary. It was at
Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of
veal and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his
wife ill-treated him; as I have told before. Poor fellow!--we
under-clerks all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by
oneself, and have 50L. per month, as Roundhand had; but I've a
notion that Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in
our second floor in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at
ease than our head--and more IN HARMONY, too; though we made sad
work of the music, certainly.
One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at
three o'clock, as we had PARTICULAR BUSINESS at the West End. He
knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us
permission; so off we set. When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus
got a cigar, to give himself as it were a distingue air, and pulled
at it all the way up the Lane, and through the alleys into Coventry
Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as everybody knows.
The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were
drawing up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets--
trousers were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon-
holes for your boots, or Bluchers, to come through (the
fashionables wore boots, but we chaps in the City, on 80L. a year,
contented ourselves with Bluchers); and as Gus stretched out his
pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and kept blowing away
at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his boots, and
had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked quite
the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of
consideration.
He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the
gold
pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in; and after
a little hemming and hawing--for I had never been at such a
fashionable place before--asked one of the gentlemen to let me
speak to Mr. Polonius.
"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing
close by, as it happened, serving three ladies,--a very old one and
two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very
attentively.
"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, "this
jewel has, I believe, been in your house before: it belonged to my
aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing
near looked round as I spoke.
"I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year
1795," said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect
everything; "and a silver punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the
Major--Colonel--General--eh, sir?"
"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"--though I was quite
proud that this man of fashion should address me so.--"Mr. Hoggarty
is--no more. My aunt has made me a present, however, of this--this
trinket--which, as you see, contains her husband's portrait, that I
will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very carefully; and she
wishes that you would set this diamond neatly."
"Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir."
"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her.
There is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of
course, you will make an allowance."
"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing,
and looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods,
certainly," said he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit,
certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it. The thing is of Irish
manufacture, bears the stamp of '95, and will recall perhaps the
times of your Ladyship's earliest youth."
"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizen-faced
old lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. "How
DAR you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me?
Wasn't I fifty years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?" She
put out a pair of withered trembling hands, took up the locket,
examined it for a minute, and then burst out laughing: "As I live,
it's the great Hoggarty diamond!"
Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my
possession?
"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of
all Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick
Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year
'84, when I had just lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen
sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated sisters,--
Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy,
Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and Bell--all married,
all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of which are you the son,
young man?--though, to do you justice, you're not like the family."
Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at
me, and waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the
old lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen
ladies above named, and all their lovers, all their
disappointments, and all the duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a
chronicle of fifty-years-old scandal. At last she was interrupted
by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which Mr.
Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin,
and whether I would like the hair kept.
"No," says I, "never mind the hair."
"And the pin, sir?"
I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!"
thought I, "why SHOULD I? -
'A king can make a belted knight,
A marquess, duke, and a' that;
An honest man's abune his might -
Gude faith, he canna fa' that.'
Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?"
"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to