to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together;
and so good-natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come
and keep her company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh!
nonsense now."
But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the
ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs.
Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was
determined to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep
house for them, and introduce them to her friends in the
metropolis.
What could we do? We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in
London. But there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring
her: for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would
go out of our family; and were we two young people not likely to
want it?
So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the
whole way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my
aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to
pay 14L. for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my
little hoard of cash.
First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks. We
quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she
cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner;
from the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would
steal the candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty
came down to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face
shockingly swelled and bitten by--never mind what. To cut a long
tale short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and
changings, and the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for
her great acquaintances, none of them were in London; and she made
it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not introduced her to
John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady Tiptoff, her
relatives.
Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his
return I did not care at first to tell our Director that I had
brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for money.
He looked rather serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him
and asked for an advance; but when he heard that my lack of money
had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone
instantly changed. "That, my dear boy, alters the question; Mrs.
Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be yielded to her. Here
are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you
are in the least in want of money." This gave me breathing-time
until she should pay her share of the household expenses. And the
very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriage-
and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in
Lamb's Conduit Street.
It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in
that sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of
the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country
place in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile
odious things.
"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your
rank to suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy,
Titmarsh! Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of
Castle Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible humiliation,
while John Brough has a home to offer her,--a humble, happy,
Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour to
which you have been accustomed in the course of your distinguished
career. Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell
her that John Brough's house is hers from garret to cellar. I
repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire--I insist--I
order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be
placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look to
them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's
comforts are better provided for than they have been."
Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure,
Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though
the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at
Aunt's enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came down
with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs.
Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the
Castle, in Dublin, in Lord Charleville's time.
"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to
bring them down," said Mary.
"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little
ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this
instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle
Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you."
Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his
fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself
seized a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the
carriage, and shouted loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to
hear, "John Brough is not proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too
high and mighty, he'll show them a lesson of humility."
Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks
from her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented
herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her,
whether John Brough was not an angel of a man?
In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her
departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back
at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the
window, and beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was
very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and
indeed had told me repeatedly that either she or he must quit the
house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried
her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and
laughed and clapped her hands, and danced, and shook Gus's hand.
And what do you think the little rogue proposed? I am blest if she
did not say she would like to go to Vauxhall!
As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with
fear and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the
circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been
whisked away to Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four.
"Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I; and indeed we relished our
veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty
did her dinner off plate at the Rookery.
We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing
treat; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was
prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for
we were much merrier and more comfortable without her. My little
Mary used to make my breakfast before I went to office of mornings;
and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw the
dear little children
eat their boiled beef and potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the
beautiful music: but, beautiful as it is, I think the children
were a more beautiful sight still, and the look of their innocent
happy faces was better than the best sermon. On week-days Mrs.
Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the evening on the
LEFT-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn)--ay,
and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two young
gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her;
and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up
as a monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and
whiskers all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and
chattering to her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory
(not near such a handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the
man chattering and ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus
and I? And in the twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says,
my gentleman was seized by the collar of his coat and found himself
sprawling under a stand of hackney-coaches; where all the watermen
were grinning at him. The best of it was, he left his HEAD OF HAIR
AND WHISKERS in my hand: but Mary said, "Don't be hard upon him,
Samuel; it's only a Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back,
which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and carried to him as
he lay in the straw.
He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and
"champ-d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his
nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made
everybody laugh; and so the adventure ended.
About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of
which I give a copy:-
"My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have
returned to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss
me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the
ways of 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every
qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can
hardly manidge, I am sure, without me.
"Tell her ON NO ACCOUNT to pay more than 6.5D. for the prime
pieces, 4.75D. for soup meat; and that the very best of London
butter is to be had for 8.5D.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin
you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs.
Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my
yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two
ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my HOSPATABLE
host; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when
Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most
SUMPTIOUS STYLE. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by
turbit and sammon with IMMENSE BOLES OF LOBSTER-SAUCE. Lobsters
alone cost 15S. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing,
I'm sure, 15 lbs., and NEVER SEEN at table again; not a bitt of
pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravigance
would JUST SUIT Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns THE
CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you
have an old aunt who knows better, and has a long purse; without
witch, I dare say, SOME folks would be glad to see her out of
doors. I don't mean you, Samuel, who have, I must say, been a
dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and
some folks won't be sorry to have me in my grave.
"Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought
it might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was
called in, said it was, he very much feared, CUMSUMPTIVE; but gave
me some pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him-
-he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office
hours--and present him with 1L. lS., with my compliments. I have
no money here but a 10L. note, the rest being locked up in my box
at Lamb's Cundit Street.
"Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious
establishment, I can assure you the SPERRIT is likewise cared for.
Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises
refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the
handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and
dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word
INDUSTRIA, meaning industry, on EVERYTHING--even on the chany juggs
and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a
special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist
Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon
in Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have
always been a staunch supporter of the established Church of
England and Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was
far superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the
Establishment, who lifted up his voice after dinner for a short
discourse of two hours.
"Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no
sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I
promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not
Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy.
"I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so
welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the
world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose
to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind
enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to
wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful
works of nature. I have spoke to him about the Slopperton
property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should sell it;
but on this point I shall follow my own counsel.
"Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my
bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the
grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn
it against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for
herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns
you gave her, but keep them until BETTER TIMES. I shall soon
introduse her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my
acquaintances; and am always
"Your loving AUNT.
"I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from
Somersetshire. When it comes, please to send half down here
(paying the carriage, of course). 'Twill be an acceptable present
to my kind entertainer, Mr. B."
This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office,
who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence;
for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he
opened it without looking at the superscription. Of course he had
not read it, and I was glad of that; for I should not have liked
him to see my aunt's opinion of his daughter and lady.
The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent
me word at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me:
and I stopped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the
house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-
bag between his legs.
"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a
piece of news for you regarding her property which you ought to
know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that home-made
wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our
warehouse along with her furniture."
"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she
likes for me. I cede all my right."
"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us
to a deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the
postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton
and Squashtail estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing
her capital elsewhere."
I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the
source of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for
Aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her
litigious spirit; so that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale
of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested.
"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me
with this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my
aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult
with her on this subject."
"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of
her property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough
gets the money he--"
"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no
harm in that."
"But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man,
certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly
respectable. But who knows? A panic may take place; and then
these five hundred companies in which he is engaged may bring him
to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a
director: awkward reports are abroad concerning it. The
Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet Company--the shares are
down very low, and Brough is a director there. The Patent Pump
Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody will pay."
"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand
pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is
THAT at a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in
that speculation, I should like to know?" I had him there.
"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has
brought you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us
for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and
Miss Hodge has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't
intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you?"
"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a
glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith.
Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark
my words, and take your aunt AWAY FROM THE ROOKERY. She wrote to
Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out
there,--the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her.
He was tried at Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly
escaped with his neck. Have a care of him--he has an eye to her
money."
"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for
yourself."
He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as
he returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two
favours to ask of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to
any living soul; and the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's
Conduit Street with your pretty wife."
"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine