The smaller mutt, the terrier mix, is more fragile. She clings to the pit bull’s side and still doesn’t trust me too much. She may in time, but I have a feeling she’ll be coming back to Edinbugh with me. I’ve seen so many dogs like her, which are dogs like me. She needs someone like Lionel to bring her back around. Lionel will show her the ropes; he always does.
I put them back in the flat and then head out to the nearest pet store. It’s strangely chilly today, the weather here even worse than Scotland’s in the summer, and I shove my hands into my jacket pockets, turning up my collar and keeping my shoulders hunched against the fog as I move through rough neighborhoods.
I never feel fear, or disgust, or pity for these people—the homeless, the addicted, the forgotten. I was them. I know what it’s like. I know too well. All I feel is hope and hopelessness, a stunning combination. Hope that they’ll one day come to that point, that road, that branch, and decide for themselves to get up, to grow, to live.
But the hopelessness, that lies in myself. Because there’s nothing I can do for them. Every decision to better your life has to come from within, not from anyone else.
And then there’s that bitter, hard truth that grows in you, in your darkness, like mold. The truth that you’ll never be free. You’ll never forget that sweet song that pulled you under and brought you to your knees. That once you’ve seen how far you can sink, you know exactly how far you can fall. That truth tethers you. It lurks behind every thought, every action.
Sometimes, the slide backward into who you once were seems inevitable.
When I return back home, arms crammed with dog food, treats, and leashes, I look up a local vet and make an appointment for them tomorrow. The pit bull needs his paw properly looked at—he’s also not neutered, and I’m unsure if the terrier is spayed. Both of those things need to happen before they’re given homes.
I settle down on the ground and spend a good hour at their level, just observing them, until my phone rings. I roll the Kong toy I bought them back toward them, the pit going for it with gusto, then I get up to answer it.
It’s Bram.
“Aye?” I say into the phone.
“What the hell happened to you last night?” Bram asks. “You just took off and we couldn’t find you. We couldn’t find Kayla either.”
“I went for a walk.”
“You’re always going for a walk,” he says. He’s right about that. Jessica—my adopted mother and Bram’s aunt—always say I have too much troubled energy and I need to keep walking it off.
“Has Nicola spoken to Kayla?” I ask. I haven’t texted her yet. I’ve been debating it all morning.
“Yes, she’s texted her. Kayla said you found some dogs and took them home?”
“Aye. I’m looking at them right now.” I clear my throat. “Look, sorry, I left my phone at home and hers died so we couldn’t get in contact.”
Bram sighs. “Okay. Well…you missed the end of a great concert.”
I suppose that was a jab over the VIP ticket. “The day was fantastic. Thank you, mate.”
“Don’t take this wrong way, Lachlan,” he says, “but…”
I exhale heavily. “What?”
“I worry about you. When you do stuff like that. When you just leave.”
My jaw tenses at that admission. “What are you worried about, exactly?”
He pauses. “You know,” he says quietly. “I feel responsible for you while you’re here.”
I grip the phone tightly, feeling a burst of anger radiate through me, molten and hot. “I’m fucking thirty-two years old, Bram. I’m here to help your arse, not to be babysat. You might think you bloody know me, but you don’t.”
“I know, I know,” he says quickly. “Sorry. Okay? Sorry.”
“That’s fine,” I mutter. “I better go.”
“Wait,” he says. “Just reminding you about tonight.”
I frown. “Tonight?”
“With Justine.”
“Oh, Jesus fucking hell.” I press my fist into my forehead. “That’s tonight?”
“It’s Monday, and it’s the only chance we have, Lachlan. Please do not back out. There’s no way that Nicola will let me take your place and I’m pretty sure Justine won’t want me there either. It’s all you.”
Kayla. I’m thinking of Kayla. Will she care? Is it even worth mentioning?
“I really don’t feel like dealing with people today,” I say, even though I know that it’s futile. “Especially people like that.”
“Lachlan,” Bram says. “You’re leaving next week. Just go, have a few drinks, meet the father and tell him everything. That’s all you can do and it’s our last shot.”
“What about…” I trail off, wiping at my nose.
“What about what?”
“Nothing,” I tell him. “All right, I’ll do it. I’ll go. But as soon as I think it’s done, I’m out of there.”
“Good,” he says. “We’ll be at the Lion so you can come right there afterward.”
“Of course you will.”
I hang up.
And with that troubled energy, I take the dogs for a walk.
I sit by the Giants’ Promenade and watch the boats in the marina, one dog on the bench beside me, the other at my feet. I decide to give them names. The pit bull is Ed. The terrier is Emily. I like giving human names to dogs. It’s more respectable that way. It tells them they’re one of us and reminds us of the same.
I take my phone out of my jacket many times, look at it many times. I think about contacting Kayla. Asking how she is. If she’s okay. I want to mention that I’m going to a function with Justine, that it doesn’t mean anything.
But I don’t. Because I’m afraid her response will be, “So, you can go out with anyone,” or, “It’s fine, you don’t owe me an explanation” or even the biting, “Why are you telling me this?” I want to do right, I do, but I’m not built for this. I’m not even with Kayla and I’m already acting like I am. Not the right trap to fall into right now. Or at any time.
Eventually the dogs and I head back to the flat. I keep busy. I go for a run. I lift at the gym downstairs. I spend time scouring the internet, trying to find rescue agencies in town that might be able to find a foster for Ed.
And I check on my plans with Justine. They’re on. She’ll swing by with a Town Car at seven o’clock. So I shower. Trim my beard down to the bare minimum, slick my hair back, put on a black suit and tie. It feels utterly unnatural, and it’s only the glimpse of a tattoo at my collarbone—nunquam iterum—that reminds me that I’m still me. A big bad wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Thankfully, the evening isn’t as horrendous as I envisioned. I’m still out of my element. I hate socializing with these people, the ones who sit at the top and throw stones down below. But I can have a good poker face from time to time. I make nice. With Justine. With her father’s cronies. With her father himself. In the suit and tie I look just respectable enough to fool them all, and when I talk about Bram’s project, Bram’s vision, it’s convincing. I’m pulling from in deep and it’s working. Because I believe in it, and I want them to believe in it.
It’s just after nine when I pull Justine aside and whisper in her ear. “How do you think I did? Be honest.”
She just smiles coyly and runs her fingers over my tie, pulling me close to her. “I think you sold him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he invests.”
I can’t help but flash her a smile. “Good.”
She doesn’t let go of my tie. “Want me to get you a glass of champagne?”
“Nah,” I tell her. “I’m good. Actually, I have to get going.”
Her bottom lip juts out in a pout. “Why?”
“Dogs,” I tell her, tugging at my ear. “I have dogs. If I don’t take them for a walk, they’re going to shit everywhere.”
“When did you get dogs?”
“Yesterday,” I tell her. “I rescued two strays.”
She makes a face. It’s the reaction I thought I’
d get. “Strays? You took in two strays and put them in your apartment?”
I shrug. “It’s the least I could do.”
“They might have fleas. Rabies. Who knows what disease?”
“They needed my help.”
She lets go of my tie but tries to look pleasant, giving me a thin smile. “Huh. Well, aren’t you just a giving man.”
“Someone has to be,” I say, an edge creeping into my voice.
“I guess,” she says, and steps away from me. “The world needs more people like you.”
I raise my brows. “Does it?” I can read the insincerity in her voice. It’s the line that people say when they don’t really believe it. It’s what they say in order to make themselves look like they care.
She takes a sip of her champagne and starts looking around for someone better to talk to. Who knew that just mentioning stray dogs would turn her off? If I’d known that, I would have talked about Lionel and the organization from day one. Then again, it wouldn’t have led me here to right now and I still have to do what I can to make sure it goes through.
I give her most charming smile, and from the way she blinks at me, I can tell she’s dazzled by it. I rarely use it, and when it’s sincere, it’s never meant for people like her. “I really want to thank you, Justine,” I tell her, grabbing her wrist delicately. “For inviting me here. This means a lot to me, and to Bram, just to have your father want to do good in a world that needs it. His help is really appreciated. And yours has always been.”
She softens a little bit, but she’s still regarding me with a wariness that wasn’t there before. Gone are the days of footsie under the table and eager hands in the back of a cab.
I lift her hand to my lips and kiss the back of it. “Take care,” I tell her. “And if you don’t mind, I’ll have Bram get in touch with your father.” With my other hand, I show her the business card her father gave me.
“Sure,” she says. “I’ll let him know. Take care, Lachlan.”
And that’s it. Though it was a lot to get through, it’s over now. It’s not quite time to celebrate, not until Bram and Justine’s father talk and work out the kinks, but I have a feeling it’s going to work out. The man was sold on what I was selling him.
I quickly exit the ballroom at the hotel and get into a waiting cab. I should go home to the dogs first, but the reality is they’ve probably already made a mess, so what’s the difference? I might as well tell Bram the good news.
It’s not long before the cab is dropping me off at the Lion. It’s a Monday but it’s still surprisingly busy.
I stride into the noisy, dimly-lit bar and immediately get a lot of looks. It takes me a minute to realize I’m wearing a suit and tie and I stick out like a sore thumb here.
“Look at you!” Linden hollers from a booth in the back. He’s sitting with Bram, Steph, and that fucker James. “Secret agent man, working for M.I. Six!”
I walk over to them and stand at the end of the table, hands jammed into my pockets. “Do you want to hear the good news?” I say to them, rocking back on my heels.
Bram’s eyes widen. “How good?”
I shrug. “Nothing is a done deal. But here.” I toss the business card on the table. “That’s his info. I had a very lengthy conversation with him. He wants to invest.”
“What?!” Bram yells, nearly jumping out of his seat.
I raise my palms. “Don’t get excited, mate. As I said, nothing is certain. But he’s interested. He heard me out. He wants to help. The ball is in your court now.”
Linden looks at his brother. “I think this is a cause to celebrate.” He looks back at me questioningly. “You do think we can celebrate, right?”
“If you want,” I say. “If we’re going on vibes and feelings alone, then I’d say yes.”
Bram lets out a whoop of joy and Linden pats him on the back. James gets up and says he’s grabbing some drinks so I slide into the booth next to Stephanie. She’s being oddly quiet, smiling at Bram and Linden but not quite looking at me.
Of course this in turn makes me want to look at her.
“Where’s Nicola?” I ask. “And Kayla?” I add, as if it were an afterthought.
It wasn’t.
Stephanie looks at Bram. “Well, Nicola is at home because Ava wasn’t feeling well. And Kayla was here…” They exchange a loaded look. Finally Stephanie sighs and turns to me. “Look, Linden told me you were on a date with Justine.”
My head whips around to look at Linden, who shrinks from my gaze.
“And,” Stephanie continues, “I told Kayla that.”
Now I’m staring accusingly at Bram. “You know that wasn’t a date. You practically forced me to do it.”
“I know!” Bram exclaims. “I know. By the time I got here, they’d already told Kayla and she’d left. She was upset.”
I groan and place my head in my hands. “It was just to secure the investment. That’s all.”
“I tried to text her that but she’s not answering me,” Steph says. “The messages aren’t being delivered. She must have turned her phone off.” She briefly puts her hand on my shoulder. “I only told her because she asked where you were and I didn’t want to lie. I know she likes you…I just didn’t think she had it that bad for you.” She pauses. “Honestly, she’ll kill me for saying this, but you’re making her behave like…I think she’s head over heels.”
Hearing that makes me both warm and cold at the same time.
“Did you and Justine…” she starts. “You know…”
I glare at her and she moves an inch away from me. “No, we didn’t. But still.” I get up just in time to see James approaching with a bottle of sparkling wine. “Tell me where she lives,” I say to Steph.
“What? You’re going to go over there?”
“Yes,” I say, bringing out my phone. “What’s her address?”
She tells me and I enter it into my phone. “Thank you,” I tell her, then I turn on my heel and walk off. Bram calls after me but I don’t turn around. Let him celebrate. This is his baby, his project. This is his passion.
I need to go fix mine.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Kayla
I floated through the entire day, as if on cotton candy clouds. It didn’t matter that I’d only had a few hours of sleep or that my eyes were rimmed with plum colored circles. I didn’t care that it was Monday, that I hate where I work now, that I won’t be joining the ranks of the writers on the other side of the office.
I know I should care about all of that. I know that on Sunday morning it was still a big fat splotch on this new future I had somehow built in my head.
But Lachlan, he’d erased everything. He’d taken over everything in me and had replaced all the shit with…well, I don’t know what. Something to look forward to. Something to look back on.
Fuck, I needed to see him again. He’d said we could do coffee this week, but I didn’t want coffee this week. I wanted him now. I wanted to quit work and just go back to his apartment, show up at his door like they do in the movies, and maul the shit out of him. That kiss was everything and still just the tip of the iceberg. If his lips could leave such an imprint on me, I couldn’t wait to see what else they could do.
I checked my phone obsessively throughout the day, wondering if he would text me. Wondering if I should text him. I lamented that the normal Kayla, the one who had no problems chasing after men, was missing in action. I was scared to hear the word “no.” I was scared to fuck something up before I even had a chance to have it.
On the other hand, I knew he was leaving soon. Very soon. So there wasn’t really anything to fuck up. I just wanted to see him again.
But he didn’t text, and I didn’t either. Nicola and Steph did though, completely freaking out. When my phone finally charged this morning, I had a billion frantic texts from them all pouring in at once. I didn’t want to divulge too much information, so I told them that my phone had died and that we’d rescued some dogs. Neither of them knew what
to say to that.
Later, Steph told me to come to the Lion for a drink. And stupid, silly me, I did. Because I thought there might be a chance that Lachlan would be there.
I decided to make myself look extra pretty. Put a few waves in my hair. Contoured up my face. Slicked on liquid liner. I squeezed myself into a snake-print leopard skirt, black high heels, and a black lace top. I looked pretty damn good.
I sashayed my way into the Lion, electric flutters in my stomach, my eyes casing the joint, hoping to see the big, bad Scot somewhere. Steph and Linden were in a booth, but I knew from the moment they spotted me and Steph gave me a hesitant wave that something was off.
I slowed my pace, my fingers anxiously twitching at my side. “Hey,” I said.
“Looking good, Kayla,” Linden commented, and I eyed him suspiciously, wondering if that was the truth or he was just trying to “be nice” like Steph had told us to.
“Thanks.” I looked at Stephanie, but she wasn’t meeting my eyes. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“Well, nothing,” she said. She patted the seat beside her. “Sit down. You look pretty. Is there a special occasion?”
I gave her the stinkeye. “Do I normally not look pretty? Why would I need an occasion?” I sat down. “So…” I looked around. “Is Bram here?”
“Not yet,” Linden said.
I stared hopefully at Steph, hoping she would read my mind. She looked down at the cider in her hands instead.
I cleared my throat. “How did you guys like the rest of the concert?” I asked. “I missed the last part...”
“It was good, yeah. Good.” Linden took a swig of his beer.
I sighed and bit the bullet. “Do you guys know if Lachlan is coming here later?”
“I don’t know,” Linden said. A little too quickly.
I turned to Stephanie and punched her lightly on the arm. “Hey, what’s going on? Why are you guys being all weird?”