That evening Stanford slept well, even if Eric was spending another night in a hospital similar to where Seth dwelled. Stanford hadn’t liked hearing that news, but was he relieved that Laurie had changed his travel plans. He was still coming home, but first Laurie was flying to see Lynne. When Stanford woke the next morning, he took the liberty of calling the Goldsmiths’ home. Sheila answered, then quickly passed the receiver to Laurie. The men chatted only for moments, but Stanford had felt it necessary to tell Laurie that he loved him, and thank him again for discerning Eric’s whereabouts. Laurie sounded tired, but said he would see Stan early next week. Stanford closed the call with a grateful sigh, also glad that Laurie hadn’t felt compelled to mention that hawk. Something about that bird grated on Stanford, but soon enough it would merely be a footnote in all their lives.
After informing Stan about his change of plans, Laurie had spoken to Lynne. Having slept on all these revelations, Laurie felt uneasy; did he need to see her? Their conversation yesterday had confirmed everything Seth had claimed, and while Laurie felt little hesitancy about visiting his cousin later that day, now he wondered if traveling west was necessary. He ate breakfast, then took a shower, still surprised by his abbreviated haircut. He hadn’t gone as far as Seth, but the barber Sheila had recommended, the same Mickey used, had given Laurie a severe style. Staring into the mirror, Laurie made a face. Stan would probably love it, it might make his balding pate less noticeable. Would Jane still recognize him, Laurie wondered. Then he closed his eyes, his heart aching. He had to see Lynne, he needed that contact. Their conversations would be terribly awkward, maybe they wouldn’t speak much. He assumed she was showing, maybe he would feel the baby. Laurie opened his eyes, took a deep breath, then reached for his shaver. When he stepped from the bathroom, Sheila passed by. “That new haircut suits you,” she smiled. Then she continued along the hall, humming as she went.
In his room Laurie put on socks and shoes, then he gazed at the space. He’d spent most of summer here, and while it wasn’t cool yet, in New York autumn had begun. The weather where Lynne and Eric…. Eric was here for the duration, but what did that mean? Then Laurie shuddered. Lynne had explicitly said Eric’s last transformation was two years ago, when his father died. What about that long stretch in 1961, when Laurie first met her? Eric had been away for months, and Laurie felt sick to his stomach. His brain teemed with bizarre queries, inhuman in nature, but for the Snyders, all their lives had been spent with this unholy…. Then Laurie considered what Seth had said yesterday, that he’d sculpted Eric’s damaged foot, that Norah had revealed her tattoo, that Laurie had fallen in love with…. Just how crazy was it that Eric turned into a hawk compared to other concrete facts. Then Laurie shivered. Seth had likened himself to some of the most depraved participants of Nazi Germany. Maybe accepting Eric as a bird of prey wouldn’t be that large of a hurdle when equated with what Seth still needed to face.
But Laurie had to go, for that was a place so dark and…. Was it right for Eric to stay, then Laurie shook his head. Maybe yesterday had been some awful hallucination. But what was worse, to find his cousin in a drugged stupor or Eric as a…. Laurie sighed, then stood from the mattress. He stepped from his room, asked to borrow the car, then hugged his aunt. Sheila walked him outside, remaining on the driveway as he backed out. He watched her through the rear-view mirror, as if he was never returning.
Laurie didn’t park in the back of the lot; he pulled into an open front space, walking quickly to the entrance. He gave his and Seth’s names, then headed down the corridor. He didn’t stop at the restroom, but saw Dr. Sellers stepping from Seth’s room. “How is he?” Laurie asked.
“Pretty well.” The doctor smiled. “He’s talking to the hawk at the moment. But I’ve been with him for nearly an hour. I hear you’re leaving soon.”
“Day after tomorrow.” Laurie sighed. “Do you have any idea how long he’ll need to stay?”
Dr. Sellers motioned for them to step aside. Then he cleared his throat. “While I can’t give a definitive timetable, I’d like to think that perhaps Seth could be discharged before the end of the year. Of course, he’ll need to continue therapy, I don’t see any quick end to that element of treatment. But I’ve rarely witnessed such an amazing turnaround. Only a few of my patients have emerged from such paralyzing psychosis at the rate your cousin is.”
Laurie nodded. “Before it’s taken him a long time to come home, and he’s never been so unwell.”
“He’s never had a hawk involved in his treatment, I’d wager.”
Laurie stared at the doctor, whose eyebrows shot up as he said hawk. Then Laurie smiled. “Do you actually believe him?”
“Do you?”
Now Laurie chuckled. “If I said I did, would you find me a room here?”
“Mr. Abrams, I’ve heard plenty over the years and what I’ve seen isn’t for the faint of heart. I spoke with Miss Wasserman right after Seth was admitted. Great evil exists, also tremendous good. My job is to heal ill men and women. If that task is made easier by permitting certain realities, as long as those realms do no harm, then I’ve succeeded. If you and Seth believe that hawk is also a painter, far worse has transpired. Millions followed Hitler. I’ll let God be the ultimate judge.”
Dr. Sellers patted Laurie’s shoulder, then walked down the corridor. Laurie watched him turn a corner, then he headed to Seth’s door.
As Laurie readied to leave, he knew a strange peace never before felt in any hospital where Seth had previously stayed. He didn’t want to assume this was the last one, but maybe…. If nothing else, he didn’t think he’d ever see this hawk again, for Seth had told him not to come tomorrow. He should spend that day with Sheila, or at least give her back her car.
Laurie looked around the room; it didn’t appear much differently than the first time he had stepped inside, but the interior seemed cheerier. Then he gazed at Seth, who was dressed in regular attire. His hair was growing out, although Laurie’s was longer, yet not by much. They had joked about that, then spoken about the barn. Laurie still felt it was for pigs and chickens. Seth had laughed, then looked at where the hawk stood in the courtyard. “He put all he ever was inside it, every single hawk he’d ever been.”
That statement resounded in Laurie’s head as he approached where Seth stood near the window. Seth glanced his way, then returned to gazing outside. “When he leaves, I’ll write you. That way you can tell Lynne when to expect him.”
“I could give you their address, you could write her yourself.”
Seth shook his head. “I want to meet her first.” Then he faced Laurie. “Or do you think that’s odd?”
“Hell if I know,” Laurie laughed.
Seth smiled. “You tell her.” Then he sighed. “When are you gonna tell Stanford?”
“Tell him what?”
“Laurie….” Seth put his hands in his pockets. “You’re not gonna be able to keep this from him. Plus it’s not fair to let him think Eric’s unstable.”
Laurie stared at his cousin, then he grinned. It turned into a chortle, then laughter spilled from Laurie. “Oh right, like I’m just gonna mention to Stan that actually Eric never went crazy, he just turned into a….”
The screech was loud, making Seth chuckle, but Laurie shivered. He knew why Eric’s vision was so keen, and his hearing seemed just as sharp. Yet, there was no imaginable way for Stanford to accept this, even if Dr. Sellers had eluded that it wasn’t out of the realm of impossibilities. Why was it so hard to permit mysterious notions when evil was readily grasped? Why had so many Germans blithely followed such a deranged individual, even to the point of collaborating in the mass extermination of…. Then Laurie stared at Seth, who spoke to Eric as though that man was standing among them. Seth had participated in a similar madness and Laurie inwardly trembled. He’d deliberately not considered Seth’s role in Korea, but Seth wasn’t walking out of this facility at Laurie’s side. That part of Seth’s recovery was between him, Dr. Sellers, and a bird o
f prey, who also happened to be one of the most witty, warm, and magnanimous persons Laurie had ever known. And gifted, so damned talented, just like….
“If you can get away with it, good luck.” Seth smiled at Laurie. “But both Eric and I think you should tell him. He’ll think you’re nuts, but eventually he’ll come round. Sam Ahern did, although for a long time he thought Lynne was, well….” Seth patted Laurie’s shoulder. “If Sam could take it on board, Stanford can too.”
Laurie nodded, but only for effect. Then he looked his cousin in the eyes. How had Seth and Sam even managed to maintain a modicum of sanity? But as Dr. Sellers had said, who was he to judge? Laurie sighed. “We’ll see how it goes. But hopefully it won’t come to that.”
Seth shrugged. “We’ll see. Go on, you have lots to do before you go. Tell Aunt Sheila….” Seth pursed his lips, then smiled. “Don’t tell her anything. If I don’t see her until I get out, that’s fine. But do say thanks for letting you use the car.”
“I’ll do that.” Then Laurie stepped to the window. The hawk was pecking at the ground. “Lynne wants you to know she misses you, that Jane and the baby are fine. She says she can feel the baby, said Sam did yesterday. She said….” Lynne’s wistful tone rang in Laurie’s head. “She loves you and can’t wait to see you.”
The hawk stared at Laurie, then nodded. Then it launched into the air and although Laurie looked up, no trace of it remained.
“Sometimes he does that. I know this isn’t easy on him, and sometimes I wonder how hard it’ll be when he changes back. He said it’s not simple, but Sam will take care of him and Marek will too.”
Laurie faced Seth. “Marek Jagucki knows?”
Seth nodded. “Oh Laurie, there’s so much to tell you. I’ll write you about it all, but for now, go on. Eric and I need a little space.”
Laurie shivered, then glanced out the window again. “Okay, sure. Yeah, I have things to do.”
The knock didn’t surprise the men and Dr. Sellers stepped inside without words. Laurie glanced at him, then faced his cousin. “I love you. I….”
“I’ll be good,” Seth smiled. “And I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah, soon,” Laurie nodded. “Really soon, okay?”
“We’ll do our best.” Seth grinned, then embraced his cousin. Laurie closed his eyes, appreciating the strength of Seth’s hug as well as the hope in his voice. The men stepped away from one another, smiling as they did so. Laurie joined where Dr. Sellers waited, then followed him from the room. As the door clicked, part of Laurie’s heart throbbed. Seth remained behind that barrier. But he wouldn’t face this trial alone.
That evening Laurie spoke again to Lynne. She sounded eager to see him and Jane babbled in the background, making Laurie smile. He would take a taxi to their house, although Lynne said Sam had offered to collect him from the airport. Laurie didn’t inquire about the Aherns’ adoption plans, only noting he hoped to share at least one meal with them. Lynne promised that pie would be waiting, then she told him to fly safely. Laurie closed the call with a mostly peaceful heart, but he was still slightly troubled by Seth’s admonition. Out west Laurie could speak about Eric, even with that Polish pastor. But with the man he loved most, a lie would have to be told. No way on God’s green earth could Laurie tell Stanford where Eric actually was.
Stan called thirty minutes after Laurie spoke with Lynne, just to confirm Laurie’s flight times. Stan’s tone was business-like, as if he worried that Sheila or Mickey might overhear. Yet Laurie deduced calm in Stan’s voice, which again bothered Laurie. Stanford seemed oblivious to Laurie’s concerns, and the conversation ended on an upbeat note. Then Laurie went to his room. Sheila was cooking dinner, but he would take his aunt and uncle out tomorrow night. On Friday, Sheila would drive Laurie to the airport and that would conclude his tenure in Florida.
Laurie did some preliminary packing, placing items in the laundry basket that he would wash tomorrow. Then Sheila knocked on the door, informing him that supper was ready. Laurie joined his aunt and uncle in the dining room where jovial conversation was interspersed with moments of quiet. Sheila remarked that she would visit Seth next week, and that she’d keep in touch with Laurie, as well as with Wilma and Rose. Mickey didn’t make any similar overtures, but Laurie wasn’t troubled. After the meal was finished, Sheila refused Laurie’s assistance to help clean up, but Laurie wasn’t comfortable going into the living room to watch television with his uncle. There wasn’t much for him to do, so he announced he was leaving for a walk. Mickey nodded while Sheila told him to take his time.
Laurie ambled along the sidewalk, occasionally peering up at the setting sun. Orange and pink blended with yellow, which reminded him of Eric’s paintings. So much about that man now made sense, if one permitted miracles as reality. But why not? Why was it so implausible to think a man turned into a….
A small smile emerged, Laurie couldn’t help it. Perhaps after speaking with Lynne, the Aherns, even that pastor, he might allow such a marvel. Yet it was real, Eric was that hawk. Laurie knew it like he knew his name.
He would never tell Stan, nor could he share it with Agatha. Honestly, there was nobody on the East Coast to whom Laurie could reveal this phenomenon. He would get it out of his system, fly home, and…. He released an audible moan; he loathed thinking about lying to Stan. But what else could he do? The truth would…. Laurie shuddered, then whipped around. Had someone been following him? He gazed at an average neighborhood that while not quite like Brooklyn was full of similar people with their own hopes and failings. Laurie smiled, took a few more steps, then again stopped. Now he slowly turned around. Five feet away sat the hawk.
Laurie breathed smoothly, but his heart raced. “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
The bird tapped its foot, then hopped off the sidewalk. It flew into the middle of the street, then faced the direction from where Laurie had started. It flew a little further, then paused, gazing at Laurie.
“Okay, sure, you lead the way.” Laurie followed the hawk, who alternated between hopping and flight. They reached a playground, but no children were present, for now it was nearly dusk. Summer was over, even here in Miami, although Laurie wasn’t cold. Yet something stirred goose bumps, and he ran his hands over his arms. The hawk then took a short flight to a sand pit, perching on a large log which acted as a barrier, although the ground was nearly as sandy as what filled the pit. Laurie sat on the log, but could see a message spelled out in the distance.
He stared at the hawk; he couldn’t think of this bird as Eric, or not directly. Yet he knew that was the truth, regardless of how outlandish and unlikely it could be. Perhaps the message was Eric’s way of saying goodbye. Or maybe it was…. Laurie gazed in that direction, it looked like several words had been constructed. “How long did that take you?” he said softly.
The bird seemed to shrug and Laurie smiled. “I guess time has a different meaning for you when you’re like this. This’s why you were gone all those months in ’61. This’s why….” Then Laurie shivered. It was how Eric’s foot had been healed, why Jane was conceived, why Seth might actually be on the road to recovery. It was some otherworldly event that defied explanation, but it wasn’t bad, although Eric being far from his family wasn’t what Laurie wished for. Yet, if Seth could find peace, if he could make some sort of life for himself, if he could sculpt again…. “Why you?” Laurie asked. “Why does this happen to you?”
The hawk hopped from the log, then flew to where the message waited. The bird remained there, tapping its foot, making Laurie shake his head. “Yeah, I’m coming, I’m coming.” He got up, hobbling a little, then chuckled at himself. “I’m not as young as I used to be, but then I guess this’s the only place for you to have enough space to write….”
Laurie stopped in his tracks as the words hit his brain. He pondered the message, then reread it, moving his lips as the meaning was permanently stitched upon his heart. Then he fell to his knees, supporting himself with his hands, which gripped
sandy ground as stinging tears fell from his eyes. He inhaled sharply, then exhaled with force, as if Eric was indeed standing beside him, his melodious voice speaking what had been painstakingly pieced together, and what would soon be scattered across this playground, unless Eric left this message right where it was. Laurie started to nod. “Don’t move a single piece of this,” he warbled, trying to compose himself. But the emotions were too strong, and he began to wail, not from pain or fear, but the sweetest sense of peace. He continued to grab at the sand, for as that peace flowed through him, he realized it was meant for more than this moment. This tranquility had to be stored away, the calm before a storm. Laurie knew that, gazing up at the hawk, who seemed able to read his mind. “Something’s coming, isn’t it? But you’re telling me it’s gonna be okay right, right?”
The hawk didn’t flinch, merely gazing at the sky, which was now nearly dark. Laurie stared at the bird until his neck grew sore, then he sat on his haunches, using the backs of his hands to wipe his face, careful to not get sand in his eyes. He remained in that position until a cramp in his right leg forced him to stand. Eric remained close, occasionally releasing a soft squawk, as if answering Laurie’s query. But it wasn’t so much a question as it was accepting Eric’s current form and what waited on the horizon. As Eric led Laurie back to the Goldsmiths’ house, a man inhaled that fragrant peace, not considering the purpose of its presence. And a hawk thought about his wife, daughter, and unborn baby, who he prayed to soon see again.
_______________
Liner Notes
I started this novel in October 2013; at the time, I assumed I’d be penning another short story, the form I had been working in for much of that year. However, at over two-thirds completed, The Hawk currently stands at well over 500,000 words. Never before have I embarked upon such a large project.
Over the last two years, other than poems for NaPoWriMo, I have written nothing else. Quilting has overtaken much of my free time, as has caring for my family; recently I have become a grandmother. I have also nursed my father through the end of his life, which fell upon the heels of my first grandchild’s arrival. Now with time to write and revise, I have chosen to share this behemoth in a beta-type manner. Part Eight will most likely be released in late spring, but please bear with this author while grandchildren, fabrics, and a new familial normal take precedence. In the meantime, thank you for joining me on this journey, which is a search for my Father as well as Eric’s. As this is a novel in progress, comments concerning this tale are welcome and can be sent to annascottgraham at gmail dot com.
About the Author
Anna Scott Graham was born in 1966 in Northern California. A mother and grandmother, she lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband, some hummingbirds, and numerous quilts.
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