After dropping off Stanford at the airport, Laurie drove to the Goldsmiths’, where he found Sheila chatting with her Aunt Deb. Laurie carried a suitcase full of dirty laundry, which he would attend to once Deb had left. He closed his door, not wishing to hear the slight snickers, not that the women would actually speak about him while he was there, but he knew eventually his weekend away would be grist for their conversations. Laurie sat on the bed, thinking how good Stanford’s visit had been, for both of them. Then he smiled, wondering if Stan would be thinking about the hawk on his flights home.
That bird had made a surprise appearance as the men drove past the hospital, which Laurie hadn’t been able to avoid unless he’d wanted to add half an hour to their journey. The hawk had been standing near a bus stop just yards from the front entrance and Laurie pulled over, in part from the shock of seeing it, and that he wanted to show it to Stanford, who had protested. Yet, they had left the hotel with plenty of time to spare and Laurie knew he couldn’t hide from Seth forever. He didn’t think about Eric, that was too painful. But sometime that week Laurie would have to see Seth, or at least speak with Dr. Sellers. At least when he did, the lasting effects of the weekend would fortify him. And that hawk probably would too.
Laurie hadn’t tarried, stopping just long enough for Stan to see the bird, then they had resumed their trip. And now while Laurie had another man to consider, at least he knew Stanford was okay. Or that Stan missed him, but neither had any idea where Eric might have gone. Laurie brought up his suspicious, that perhaps Eric’s past had sent him seeking help. It was the only thing Stanford could assume, and they decided not to say anything to Lynne. If necessary she would bring it up, or perhaps Sam would. And Stanford would say nothing to Agatha. The last thing he wanted was to speak about it with her.
Laurie unpacked his case, placing his clothes in the empty laundry basket. Then he sighed. Stanford wouldn’t reach New York until late that evening, and it wasn’t even noon. He didn’t want to hide in the guest room all afternoon, but he’d had possession of Sheila’s car for days. He opened the door a crack, hearing the low hum of feminine voices. He was hungry, and restless. The car key sat in his pocket, stirring something inside his chest. And that niggle in his head remained as well, something Stan had said not leaving Laurie’s consciousness. He sighed, then opened the door the rest of the way. It creaked, which ended the chatter. He smiled, then walked to the living room. The ladies sat on opposite ends of the sofa, but met his gaze. “Good morning,” he said. “Or is it still the a.m.?”
Sheila smiled. “For another few minutes. Did you have a nice weekend away?”
“I did. But now hunger beckons. Would you mind if I borrowed the car for another outing?”
Sheila motioned to the kitchen. “I was just gonna fix Deb and myself something. You’re welcome to join us.”
Laurie smiled, but shook his head. “Actually, I need to see Seth.” He said that name deliberately. “Haven’t been over there in a week.”
Deb had been looking at Laurie, but now she stared at the floor. Sheila however maintained eye contact, nodding her head. “It has been a few days.” She furrowed her brow, then sighed. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere today.”
Her voice was kind and Laurie wished they were alone, for he would sit beside her and grasp her hand. Instead he smiled, then gave a brief chuckle. “Well, you’ve been so generous with letting me use your car. I don’t want to wear out my welcome.”
“You’re welcome here as long as….” Sheila cleared her throat, then stood. She went to where Laurie stood, then clasped his hands in hers. “As long as it takes.” Then she smiled. “Shall I count on you for dinner?”
“Yes please.” He gripped her hands, then brought up one, placing a soft kiss on the back of it. “Lunch won’t be more than a cheeseburger,” he laughed, releasing her hands. “Much better food here, I’ll say.”
She blushed slightly, then clucked aloud. “Well certainly no hamburgers. Give him my….” She bit her lip, staring at the floor. Then she met Laurie’s gaze. “My love, you’ll do that, won’t you?”
“Of course.” He kissed her cheek, then wiped the few tears falling down her face. “I won’t be too long.”
She sighed, then nodded, as he made his goodbye to Deb. Laurie left the house with a small spring in his step, keeping one eye on the sky as he drove away.
He bought lunch at a stand near the hospital, then ate it in the car, parked in the back of the hospital lot. No clouds hovered, no hawks either. Laurie pondered where Eric might be, but that seemed a futile endeavor. Other than at a facility much like where he was, Laurie had no notion what might wrench Eric from Lynne and Jane. Nor did he want to delve too deeply into that scenario. Enough heartache stood yards away.
As he headed toward the building, Laurie thought about his Uncle Monroe, who had died a year before Laurie’s father had. Rose and Wilma had practically grieved together, their daughters and sons at their sides. Then Laurie had met Stanford and…. But before then, Laurie was firmly attached to Brooklyn, which meant a host of relatives, most of them women. His and Seth’s fathers were some of the few men Laurie had possessed as role models, maybe that was why he found Stanford so appealing. While Laurie had been raised mostly around females, the opposite was true for Stan.
Monroe Gordon had been a hands-off sort of father, although he loved Seth, of that Laurie didn’t doubt. But Seth had been the youngest child, somewhat indulged, and interested in art. While Laurie had bonded with his dad over their love of sports, Seth and his father hadn’t shared any interests. Monroe had let his wife do most of the parenting, which was typical. Then he died from a heart attack, but as Rose and Wilma always said, thank God Monroe never witnessed what was to come.
Laurie approached the hospital’s entrance, then stopped in his tracks; an ambulance waited in front, the back doors open. Laurie stared at it, wondering if it was there to drop off a patient or…. He looked around, not seeing the hawk. Taking a deep breath, Laurie quickly entered the building, giving his name to the receptionist. He was asked to take a seat, which had never before happened. Laurie chose the nearest chair, then glanced behind him. The ambulance doors were still open. He stared straight ahead, then looked at the floor.
Then someone cleared their throat near him. “Mr. Abrams?”
Laurie looked up, finding Dr. Sellers. “That’s me.” Laurie stood, shaking the man’s hand. “How’s Seth?”
The words popped out, yet Laurie didn’t care. He’d been avoiding this place, but now that Stan had come and gone, Laurie no longer wished to linger here. He wanted to go home, he wanted…. He wished for resolution, and if that meant Seth left this place in a body bag shoved into the back of an ambulance, so be it. Seth’s mother and aunt had lost their husbands, but life didn’t stop. Life was what Laurie had shared all weekend with Stanford. Life was…. “Doctor, just tell me.” Laurie didn’t care who was near, he only wanted the truth. “I realize I’ve been away several days, I just needed some space, but….” He sighed, fighting the urge to look back to the ambulance. He met the doctor’s steely gaze. “Is there any hope for him?”
“Let’s go to my office.” Dr. Sellers motioned toward the corridor.
Laurie shrugged, then followed the physician down the hallway.
Alone Laurie approached Seth’s door. His steps had been taken slowly, for Dr. Sellers had presented Laurie with much to ponder. Seth had received two rounds of treatment, followed by some very powerful medications. But it seemed that in the last forty-eight hours Seth had finally found some peace, or at least solid rest. Laurie understood what the doctor was telling him; Seth was no longer in a straightjacket screaming uncontrollably or withdrawn into a world no one could penetrate.
But was that any better than the unconscious figure who lay on the mattress, as Laurie opened Seth’s door, seeing no one resembling his cousin. A zombie was more apt, Laurie shivered, as he walked to where Seth slept. He wasn’t restrained, but he
snored soundly, the way Stanford had just that morning. Laurie pulled up a chair, then sat with a plop. He fought tears, but they flowed, not only for how poorly his cousin appeared. Dr. Sellers had spoken to Seth over the weekend, once relative peace had been achieved. And what Seth had shared now bubbled in Laurie’s guts, making him wonder if perhaps Seth shouldn’t be left to his own devices.
Yet now Seth wasn’t in any shape to do himself harm. He wasn’t more than a vegetable, which had been Wilma and Rose’s greatest fear, and what would Monroe make of his only son reduced to such a pitiful state? Laurie reached for Seth’s hand, squeezing it gently. Then he shivered. This hand had gripped a rifle, and by that action, how many had died? During the war Seth had been a sniper, what Dr. Sellers had learned, what Laurie found almost impossible to believe. Yet, it had to be true, for what other horror could have brought them all to this most dismal place?
That morning Dr. Sellers had telephoned Wilma, informing her that Seth would need to remain hospitalized for the foreseeable future. And that psychotropic drugs would continue to be administered, alongside more shock therapy, if Seth again grew agitated. There was little else the staff could do, although if Seth responded positively to these treatments, they would gently reintroduce psychiatric counseling. But the gravity of Seth’s illness was now too pronounced, or at least it had degenerated into where Laurie now sat, beside a semi-comatose individual. Seth probably had no idea Laurie was near him, but then, Seth had gone to a place that not even Laurie could follow.
A sniper, Laurie mused, still holding Seth’s hand. He’d been a sniper, picking off Koreans at will. Dr. Sellers repeated verbatim what Seth had muttered, and at one point Laurie had nearly asked the doctor to stop speaking. This couldn’t be true; Seth had not one malicious bone in his body. Yes, he’d enlisted, but not because he’d wanted to kill anyone, it had been because, because…. But Laurie hadn’t been able to interrupt the doctor, whose voice lowered as the reasons continued. How many Jews had died, and someone had to pay. Someone, Laurie could hear Seth say, and why not Koreans? Did it really matter who, no, actually it didn’t. Hitler happened to hate Jews, so why couldn’t Seth slay as many slanty-eyed Orientals as was possible? Dr. Sellers seemed to flinch while reading from his notes, but he didn’t cease until there was nothing left to convey. Laurie had nodded absently, then asked if his aunt had been given all this information. The doctor had shaken his head, noting that he had only told her of Seth’s condition. If Laurie wished to share the more delicate details, the doctor would leave that to Laurie’s discretion.
But what was so delicate about murder, Laurie now wondered, still grasping Seth’s hand. This hand had crafted the most beautiful figures, then wantonly massacred man after man, or at least Laurie hoped it had only been soldiers who Seth had killed. Laurie closed his eyes, wishing to escape all that Seth had tried to outrun, but the images were too clear, in vivid shades, but not the soothing blue of Eric’s barn. Laurie released Seth’s hand, then walked to the window. He gazed outside, but all he could see was blood.
The concrete was covered in it, so were the trees, while the sky dripped with an endless abundance of…. Laurie felt sick, then stared back at Seth. His head was still shorn, he looked alien. The man who had been Laurie’s cousin was gone, replaced by this, this…. Assassin, he thought, which again made Laurie’s stomach churn. Seth was a murderer, no differently than Eric’s father.
That man had died behind bars and Seth would too, not that he’d been convicted of any crime, or not by a court of law. Something within him had pronounced that sentence, not that he deserved it. But Laurie couldn’t help but feel a small vindication had been achieved, then he shook his head. Was it fair for Seth to suffer like this, Korea wasn’t his fault, nor was The Holocaust or any previous disaster. Why had he felt so compelled, why, why…. He stepped to where Seth slept, then placed his hands on Seth’s forehead. “I love you,” Laurie whispered. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry Seth, I am so, so sorry.”
Walking toward Sheila’s car, Laurie gazed aimlessly into the sky. He would call his mother when he got home, just to ascertain how this news had been accepted by the family. He would never tell his mom or Aunt Wilma the truth. Seth would spend the rest of his life as an inmate, as though his actions had been against the law. There was no manner in which Laurie could try to explain it. Men went to war with powers not permitted in civilized society. Their unearned punishments were to live with those crimes the best way they could find.
After he spoke to Rose, Laurie would then book a flight home. There was nothing more he could do here, that was obvious. Laurie’s steps slowed with that thought and he kicked an errant stone. Then he kicked another, followed by a few more until with as much strength as he could muster he hurled a large rock across the empty parking lot, swearing profusely as he did so. He shut his eyes, wanting to scream, wishing that for one moment he could harness all that misery, freeing his cousin. Laurie shook, never having felt such anger, but it wasn’t mere fury. If someone stood close, he would turn to them with a closed fist, then…. He opened his eyes, breathing hard. Then he shook, feeling great shame. Had that been how Seth started to unravel? How many nights had they sat together, listening to the evening news as the horrors of extermination camps unfolded. Their mothers would find them huddled by the radio, shooing them away, but their fathers hadn’t been so discerning. Yet Laurie hadn’t allowed that to sully him. Yes, it was terrible, but Jews hadn’t been the only ones to die. Yet Seth had always been more easily disturbed than most children. While his sculptures had been full of inspiration, something else bubbled under his skin. And in Korea, that other notion had been given free rein.
Laurie reached the car, then looked back at the hospital. A deep sense of failure swirled around him, but if he didn’t go now…. He’d told his cousin that he wouldn’t leave him, but no longer could Laurie fulfill that pledge. He had to go to maintain his own sanity. He loved Seth, but, but…. Laurie wiped away tears. The innocent baby from his youth was dead. Laurie never did have a little brother. He had sisters, his mom, Stanford….
The caw was piercing and Laurie whipped around, seeing the hawk not ten feet from him. The bird squawked again, then hopped to face the hospital. Then the hawk turned back to Laurie, taking deliberate leaps in his direction.
“What?” Laurie said. “He’s gone, there’s nothing more I can do for him.”
Again the bird screeched, making Laurie want to cover his ears. It sounded less like a bird, almost like a shout. “Get away from here,” he yelled. “Just go back to wherever you came from.”
Laurie shook his head, then unlocked the car. As he got into the driver’s seat, the hawk flew onto the hood of the vehicle, gazing at the windshield. Laurie looked up, then gripped the steering wheel; if he didn’t know better, that bird was staring him down.
“What do you want me to do? He’s a vegetable, that’s not even him anymore!” Laurie slammed his hands on the wheel. “Shit, there’s nothing any of us can do for him. Don’t you think I love him? Don’t you know if I thought I could help him I would? I’ve been trying for years, for years!” Again Laurie pounded the steering wheel. “My God, if I could do anything, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing left of him anymore.”
The hawk walked toward the windshield, standing as close as his beak allowed. Laurie shivered, for he had never been so close to any wild animal, especially not a bird of prey. Its eyes were black, but not cold, its beak shining in the sun. Laurie was caught in its gaze, in his gaze. This was no ordinary bird, Laurie shivered, as sweat poured from him. “Who the hell are you?”
The bird said nothing, still staring at Laurie. “I can’t,” he whispered. “I just wanna go home.”
The hawk nodded, Laurie would swear that’s how it appeared. “I’ve been here too long, I can’t do any more.” Yet, Laurie’s heart beat rapidly, his pulse raced. He glanced out his open car door to where the building loomed in the distance. “I just wanna go….”
&n
bsp; Another shrill caw erupted and Laurie nodded. “Home, yeah, home. Jesus Christ, this’s ridiculous!” He laughed nervously, looking at the hawk. “You wanna go home too, sure, of course you do. But what the hell are we supposed to do, huh?” Laurie motioned to the hospital. “Do you know how much shit they’ve shoved into him, drugs and electric shocks and….” Laurie trembled. “He looks like a concentration camp victim, do you know that? Or a prison inmate, but maybe they’re one and the same. He killed people over there, he murdered them. He was a, a, a fucking sniper in Korea!” Laurie brought up his hands to again slam the steering wheel, but he stopped. “He was my little brother and they turned him into a murderer. And now he’s a vegetable. There’s nothing left of him!”
With Laurie’s last word the hawk launched into the air. Laurie looked out the windshield, then scrambled from the driver’s seat, gazing all around. He spotted the bird swooping to the ground, then soaring straight into the sky. For a minute Laurie watched, craning his neck when necessary, then squatting to the concrete as it flew right over his head. Then he stood as the hawk landed ten feet away. The bird pecked at its right wing, then affixed its gaze directly on Laurie.
“What am I supposed to do?” he said, throwing his hands in the air. “What, huh?”
The bird hopped toward the building. Then it looked back as if beckoning Laurie to follow.
“I can’t. I just….”
But the bird didn’t screech, it just kept hopping. Laurie ached to follow, but he’d promised to have dinner with his aunt and uncle, he needed to call his mother, he wanted to go…. Again the bird leaped in the direction of the institution. Laurie heaved a hollow sigh, then took a breath. He slammed the car door closed, shoved his hands in his pockets, then truculently followed the hawk. As both reached the sidewalk, the bird took flight, going over the building to where Seth’s room was located. Laurie shook his head, reentering the building, giving his name, and that of his cousin. He made his obligatory visit to the restroom before stopping in front of his cousin’s door. As he opened it, he gazed toward the window, where in the distance he could see the hawk waiting for him and for the man lying in bed.
Chapter 128