Constable Dreadlock: ‘Actually it’s not “constable” now. I left the force to take up a career in professional photography. And I never took a penny for all those photos of mine that were syndicated round the world. I gave all the money to charity. Yes, I know some people say they were fakes, especially the last one which shows God actually coming down to sort the whole thing out himself. But I know what I saw, and I saw that. Grey men with bulbous heads? No, I didn’t see any of those.’
Parton Vrane: ‘Well, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do it.’
Paul Daniels: ‘I did not fix the National Lottery.’
Inspector Westlake: ‘Don’t ask me, I’m dead.’
The gentleman: ‘Me too.’
And a Dog called Demolition: ‘My people have always been given a bad press by your people. Referred to as “parasites” or Riders. So I’d just like to put the record straight. We didn’t come to your world of our own free will. We were dragged here and you did the dragging. My people are “spirit”, we transcended physical form aeons ago. And that ain’t no Star Trek jive neither. We are creatures of pure thought. And I mean P.U.R.E. And we’re peace loving with it. We never manipulated any of your lot, it was the other way round.
We got sucked here by your thoughts. Is there anyone out there? Are there folk up there looking down and wondering if there are folk down here? It was the gravity caused by your heavy thoughts that drew us down here. And we couldn’t see you. All we were aware of was that some solid physical entities existing in a spectrum of white darkness were hanging onto our legs and wouldn’t set us free.
Well, like I say, my people are peace loving, but some of us, some of us decided we weren’t going to take it any more. We were going to break free.
We formed an underground organization called DEMOLITION. Destroy Earth Men Or Live In Tyranny. I.O.N. Ion is from the Greek, you know, it means literally going from, to go. Cool name, eh?
We sought to destroy the three-dimensional flesh-covered brutes that preyed on our psychic energies. Wipe them out. Trouble was that your bunch had got our bunch so well and truly hooked that when we did in one of yours, one of ours got did in too.
We tried a lot of other things, building substitute bodies, all kinds of stuff. It was war. Was war. I don’t know who won it, if anyone did.
Tell you my present location? You have to be kidding. Let’s just say I’m like the truth – and you know where that is. You don’t? Well, I’ll tell you buddy.
IT’S OUT THERE.
That’s where.
A FACT IN THE CASE
In March 1994, Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Leslie Snyder rejected career criminal Hubert Napier’s defence of Multiple Personality Disorder as ‘unadulterated crap’ and jailed him for the rest of his life. Napier, 27, had decapitated and gutted Kim Nichols in her New York apartment and gone on a spending spree with her credit cards. He claimed the atrocity was ordered by a god called Zygor, a voice called George and a dog called Demolition.
Fortean Times 79
A DOG CALLED DEMOLITION
The Soundtrack.
Sleeve notes: It is with the greatest pride that we present the first ever soundtrack album to accompany a novel. (Or apparently not, as it has been done before a couple of times. But let us just forget about those, eh?) Painstakingly selected, these twenty-four tracks will greatly enhance your reading pleasure and add an extra dimension to what is already a classic work of literature.
It must be understood that this album is NOT AVAILABLE IN THE SHOPS, that none of the artists listed have given their consent, and that all compositions are strictly copyright. And you can pretty much find the lot on You Tube.
‘I dedicate this album to all those who have divined the occult significance of the bandaged left foot.’
Robert Rankin.
SIDE ONE: THE LIGHT SIDE
1 Free as a Bird – Magic Muscle
2 Unkosibomvu – Juluka
3 Christopher Mayhew Says – The Shamen
4 Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
5 Addicts for the Out – Sonic Energy Authority
6 Happy in the World – The Lost T-shirts of Atlantis
7 Amsterdam Dogshit Blues – Mojo Nixon
8 Nadir’s Big Chance – Peter Hamil
9 Dead Finks Don’t Talk – Brian Eno
10 Big Eyed Beans from Venus – Captain Beefheart
11 Anarchy in the UK – The Sex Pistols
12 Gary Gilmour’s Eyes – The Adverts
SIDE TWO: THE DARK SIDE
1 Rot in Hell, Ma – The Kray Cherubs
2 Addiction – The Almighty
3 Pull The Plug – Death
4 Evelyn, a Modified Dog – Frank Zappa
5 This Corrosion – Sisters of Mercy
6 Hunted, Stalked and Slain – Blood Priest
7 Everyone’s Out to Get You – Beck
8 Ride the Lightning – Metallica
9 All Along the Watchtower – Jimi Hendrix
10 Demon Bell – Megadeth
11 Insane in the Membrane – Cypress Hill
12 Out of the Picture – Robyn Hitchcock
PLAY LOUD. THERE’S NO OTHER WAY.
Thank You
Also by
ROBERT RANKIN
The Antipope
The Brentford Triangle
East of Ealing
The Sprouts of Wrath
Armageddon: The Musical
They Came and Ate Us
The Suburban Book of the Dead
The Book of Ultimate Truths
Raiders of the Lost Car Park
The Greatest Show Off Earth
The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived
The Garden of Unearthly Delights
A Dog Called Demolition
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster
Sprout Mask Replica
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag
Apocalypso
Snuff Fiction
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls
Waiting for Godalming
Web Site Story
The Fandom of the Operator
The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse
The Witches of Chiswick
Knees Up Mother Earth
The Brightonomicon
The Toyminator
The Da-da-de-da-da Code
Necrophenia
Retromancer
The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions
The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age
The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds
Illustrated works:
The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner
EMPIRES
E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin
Additional editing and art direction, and a dirty great smile on her face when she finished putting this e-book together and realised that she had now completed every single one in the backlist!
Thank you Rachel Hayward
“Shall I open the Champagne?”
Table of Contents
A WORD OF WARNING
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
A FACT IN THE CASE
A DOG CALLED DEMOLITION
The Soundtrack.
Robert Rankin, A Dog Called Demolition
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