LETTER XLV
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO WM. MORDEN, ESQ.THURSDAY, AUG. 31.
I most heartily congratulate you, dear Sir, on your return to your nativecountry.
I heard with much pleasure that you were come; but I was both afraid andashamed, till you encouraged me by a first notice, to address myself toyou.
How consoling is it to my wounded heart to find that you have not beencarried away by that tide of resentment and displeasure with which I havebeen so unhappily overwhelmed--but that, while my still nearer relationshave not thought fit to examine into the truth of vile reports raisedagainst me, you have informed yourself of my innocence, and generouslycredited the information!
I have not the least reason to doubt Mr. Lovelace's sincerity in hisoffers of marriage; nor that all his relations are heartily desirous ofranking me among them. I have had noble instances of their esteem forme, on their apprehending that my father's displeasure must have hadabsolutely refused their pressing solicitations in their kinsman's favouras well as his own.
Nor think me, my dear Cousin, blamable for refusing him. I had given Mr.Lovelace no reason to think me a weak creature. If I had, a man of hischaracter might have thought himself warranted to endeavour to takeungenerous advantage of the weakness he had been able to inspire. Theconsciousness of my own weakness (in that case) might have brought me toa composition with his wickedness.
I can indeed forgive him. But that is, because I think his crimes haveset me above him. Can I be above the man, Sir, to whom I shall give myhand and my vows, and with them a sanction to the most premeditatedbaseness? No, Sir, let me say, that your cousin Clarissa, were shelikely to live many years, and that (if she married not this man) inpenury or want, despised and forsaken by all her friends, puts not sohigh a value upon the conveniencies of life, nor upon life itself, as toseek to re-obtain the one, or to preserve the other, by giving such asanction: a sanction, which (were she to perform her duty,) would rewardthe violator.
Nor is it so much from pride as from principle that I say this. What,Sir! when virtue, when chastity, is the crown of a woman, andparticularly of a wife, shall form an attempt upon her's but upon apresumption that she was capable of receiving his offered hand when hehad found himself mistaken in the vile opinion he had conceived of her?Hitherto he has not had reason to think me weak. Nor will I give aninstance so flagrant, that weak I am in a point in which it would becriminal to be found weak.
One day, Sir, you will perhaps know all my story. But, whenever it isknown, I beg that the author of my calamities may not be vindictivelysought after. He could not have been the author of them, but for astrange concurrence of unhappy causes. As the law will not be able toreach him when I am gone, the apprehension of any other sort of vengeanceterrifies me; since, in such a case, should my friends be safe, whathonour would his death bring to my memory?--If any of them should come tomisfortune, how would my fault be aggravated!
God long preserve you, my dearest Cousin, and bless you but in proportionto the consolation you have given me, in letting me know that you stilllove me; and that I have one near and dear relation who can pity andforgive me; (and then you will be greatly blessed;) is the prayer of
Your ever grateful and affectionateCL. HARLOWE.