LETTER LXX
MR. BELFORD, TO ROBERT LOVELACE, ESQ.WEDNESDAY, ELEVEN O'CLOCK.
Dr. H. has just been here. He tarried with me till the minister had donepraying by the lady; and then we were both admitted. Mr. Goddard, whocame while the doctor and the clergyman were with her, went away withthem when they went. They took a solemn and everlasting leave of her, asI have no scruple to say; blessing her, and being blessed by her; andwishing (when it came to be their lot) for an exit as happy as her's islikely to be.
She had again earnestly requested of the doctor his opinion how long itwas now probable that she could continue; and he told her, that heapprehended she would hardly see to-morrow night. She said, she shouldnumber the hours with greater pleasure than ever she numbered any in herlife on the most joyful occasion.
How unlike poor Belton's last hours her's! See the infinite differencesin the effects, on the same awful and affecting occasion, between a goodand a bad conscience!
This moment a man is come from Miss Howe with a letter. Perhaps I shallbe able to send you the contents.
***
She endeavoured several times with earnestness, but in vain, to read theletter of her dear friend. The writing, she said, was too fine for hergrosser sight, and the lines staggered under her eye. And indeed shetrembled so, she could not hold the paper; and at last desired Mrs.Lovick to read it to her, the messenger waiting for an answer.
Thou wilt see in Miss Howe's letter, how different the expression of thesame impatience, and passionate love, is, when dictated by the gentlermind of a woman, from that which results from a mind so boisterous andknotty as thine. For Mrs. Lovick will transcribe it, and I shall sendit--to be read in this place, if thou wilt.
MISS HOWE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWETUESDAY, SEPT. 5.
O MY DEAREST FRIEND!
What will become of your poor Anna Howe! I see by your writing, as wellas read by your own account, (which, were you not very, very ill, youwould have touched more tenderly,) how it is with you! Why have I thuslong delayed to attend you! Could I think, that the comfortings of afaithful friend were as nothing to a gentle mind in distress, that Icould be prevailed upon to forbear visiting you so much as once in allthis time! I, as well as every body else, to desert and abandon my dearcreature to strangers! What will become of you, if you be as bad as myapprehensions make you!
I will set out this moment, little as the encouragement is that you giveme to do so! My mother is willing I should! Why, O why was she notbefore willing?
Yet she persuades me too, (lest I should be fatally affected were I tofind my fears too well justified,) to wait the return of this messenger,who rides our swiftest horse.--God speed him with good news to me--Oneline from your hand by him!--Send me but one line to bid me attend you!I will set out the moment, the very moment I receive it. I am nowactually ready to do so! And if you love me, as I love you, the sightof me will revive you to my hopes.--But why, why, when I can think this,did I not go up sooner!
Blessed Heaven! deny not to my prayers, my friend, my admonisher, myadviser, at a time so critical to myself.
But methinks, your style and sentiments are too well connected, toofull of life and vigour, to give cause for so much despair as thystaggering pen seems to forbode.
I am sorry I was not at home, [I must add thus much, though the servantis ready mounted at the door,] when Mr. Belford's servant came with youraffecting letter. I was at Miss Lloyd's. My mamma sent it to me--and Icame home that instant. But he was gone: he would not stay, it seems.Yet I wanted to ask him an hundred thousand questions. But why delay Ithus my messenger? I have a multitude of things to say to you--to advisewith you about!--You shall direct me in every thing. I will obey theholding up of your finger. But, if you leave me--what is the world, orany thing in it, to your
ANNA HOWE?
The effect this letter had on the lady, who is so near the end which thefair writer so much apprehends and deplores, obliged Mrs. Lovick to makemany breaks in reading it, and many changes of voice.
This is a friend, said the divine lady, (taking the letter in her hand,and kissing it,) worth wishing to live for.--O my dear Anna Howe! howuninterruptedly sweet and noble has been our friendship!--But we shallone day meet, (and this hope must comfort us both,) never to part again!Then, divested of the shades of body, shall be all light and all mind!--Then how unalloyed, how perfect, will be our friendship! Our love thenwill have one and the same adorable object, and we shall enjoy it andeach other to all eternity!
She said, her dear friend was so earnest for a line or two, that she fainwould write, if she could: and she tried--but to no purpose. She coulddictate, however, she believed; and desired Mrs. Lovick would take penand paper. Which she did, and then she dictated to her. I would havewithdrawn; but at her desire staid.
She wandered a good deal at first. She took notice that she did. Andwhen she got into a little train, not pleasing herself, she apologized toMrs. Lovick for making her begin again and again; and said, that thethird time should go, let it be as it would.
She dictated the farewell part without hesitation; and when she came toblessing and subscription, she took the pen, and dropping on her knees,supported by Mrs. Lovick, wrote the conclusion; but Mrs. Lovick wasforced to guide her hand.
You will find the sense surprisingly entire, her weakness considered.
I made the messenger wait while I transcribed it. I have endeavoured toimitate the subscriptive part; and in the letter made pauses where, tothe best of my remembrance, she paused. In nothing that relates to thisadmirable lady can I be too minute.
WEDN. NEAR THREE O'CLOCK.
MY DEAREST MISS HOWE,
You must not be surprised--nor grieved--that Mrs. Lovick writes for me.Although I cannot obey you, and write with my pen, yet my heart writesby her's--accept it so--it is the nearest to obedience I can!
And now, what ought I to say? What can I say?--But why should not youknow the truth? since soon you must--very soon.
Know then, and let your tears be those, if of pity, of joyful pity! forI permit you to shed a few, to embalm, as I may say, a fallen blossom--know then, that the good doctor, and the pious clergyman, and the worthyapothecary, have just now--with joint benedictions--taken their lastleave of me; and the former bids me hope--do, my dearest, let me say hope--hope for my enlargement before to-morrow sun-set.
Adieu, therefore, my dearest friend!--Be this your consolation, as it ismine, that in God's good time we shall meet in a blessed eternity, nevermore to part!--Once more, then, adieu!--and be happy!--Which a generousnature cannot be, unless--to its power--it makes others so too.
God for ever bless you!--prays, dropt on my bended knees, althoughsupported upon them,
Your obliged, grateful, affectionate,CL. HARLOWE.
***
When I had transcribed and sealed this letter, by her direction, I gaveit to the messenger myself, who told me that Miss Howe waited for nothingbut his return to set out for London.
Thy servant is just come; so I will close here. Thou art a mercilessmaster. These two fellows are battered to death by thee, to use a femaleword; and all female words, though we are not sure of their derivation,have very significant meanings. I believe, in their hearts, they wishthe angel in the Heaven that is ready to receive her, and thee at theproper place, that there might be an end of their flurries--another wordof the same gender.
What a letter hast thou sent me!--Poor Lovelace!--is all the answer Iwill return.
FIVE O'CLOCK.] Col. Morden is this moment arrived.