“I hereby declare an emergency meeting of the board.”
A few scientists shuffle forward, their eyes as teary as everyone else’s. The scientist speaks, her vaguely European accent stronger than ever before.
“Today, I have seen the excellence that I sought when I came to this laboratory. And I have seen it in a lowly beaker cleaner. So I propose that we make a change in honor of that.”
“Go on!” the crowd shouts. You’re a little bored, so you sniff some baking soda, but then you continue to listen.
“My passion is the search for truth. The quest for higher things. And this beaker cleaner has done that with a simple beaker sponge and baking soda. So I ask that we immediately reallocate our entire baking soda supply to this incredible team.”
One scientist in the back shouts.
“But what about the volcano juice?”
“We will do something else.” She turns to you. “Will you lead us now?”
You have tears in your eyes, but you can speak.
“I...like...beakers.”
The laboratory bursts into applause.
You become the first chair of the lab’s Beaker Cleaning Institute, and Beatram becomes vice-chair. Students from around the world come to learn from how you clean. Tuition is more than enough to make up for the lost volcano juice money, and you and Beatram become living legends. The lab even upgrades your 401(k) to a 501(k).
Though your life could have taken many paths, you have a sense that this is the one true ending, and that everything else is sort of a sham in comparison. You have won at life.
40 years later, you and Beatram die on the same day, cleaning beakers. The lab dedicates a statue in your honor, and your institute lives on for millennia.
The lab mortician speaks at your funeral.
“Let us dwell not on death. But let us dwell on the beaker cleaner’s creed.”
Thousands chant the same phrase.
“I...like...beakers!
THE END
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phil Edwards is the author of the Make Your Own Mistakes series and the textbook Fake Science 101. An accomplished transcriptionist at the Fake Science Laboratories, he has advanced degrees in typing. A true adventurer, he travels between the lab’s many locations, from the suburbs of Detroit, to the suburbs of Cleveland, and even to the suburbs of Phoenix.
You can learn more about the laboratory at FakeScience.org.
*Please note, we did not have a photography budget for this book, so we could not take a picture of Edwards. However, we did have an extra avocado drawing. Feel free to imagine that it not only tastes delicious, but also wrote this book.
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