“Do you think she still has hers?” she asked.
He stared at the unfinished oil.
“Maybe.” He paused. “I hope so. Maybe if she did…”
Kate looked at him out of the corner of her eye as he trailed off.
“Yeah…” she murmured. “Maybe.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Crestline, California
July 2007
“You should call him.”
“What would I say after a year, Suz? What could I possibly say to make things right again?”
Susan scowled at Sam as they sat on the front porch of their grandfather’s cabin on the lake, watching the sun set over the mountains. An owl hooted in the pine trees surrounding them, and she could hear trout jumping in the twilight.
“Say you’re better! Say that the idiot doctors should have warned you about depression when you lost the baby. Say that you want to come home.” Susan grabbed her cousin’s hand and whispered desperately. “Say you forgive him, Sammy. Say you love him. I know you still do.”
Sam dashed the tears from her eyes and pulled her hand away. “I forgive him?” she hissed. “I’m the one who was so messed up. I’m the one who flipped out when I knew how stressed out he was. He’d been holding me together for so long…” she whispered, shaking her head. “I saw the look on his face as soon as he kissed that stupid girl, and I completely lost it instead of talking to him like a rational person. All—all my canvases—” She choked, and the tears ran down her face.
After Sam had shown up at Susan’s the previous summer, her cousin finally grilled her about how she’d been coping. Sam knew her work had dropped off. That she was sleeping more than normal and dropping weight, but she was just never hungry. She’d had no perspective from the dark hole she found herself in. Susan, who had grown up with a mother who battled clinical depression, recognized the symptoms almost immediately.
‘Sam, it’s me. Will you please talk to me? I don’t understand. Why are you doing this? Aren’t you even willing to listen to me? I don’t want to apologize to a machine.’
After a difficult conversation with a lot of yelling on Susan’s part, which was mostly met by detached numbness on Sam’s, she had agreed to go to a doctor in Southern California. Together, they began to get a handle on the illness that should have been dealt with months before.
‘Please, pick up the phone, baby. We need to work this out. We can work this out, Sammy. Just… pick up the phone. Please.’
Though she’d been getting better and her doctor was pleased with her progress, Sam still refused to even talk with Reed on the phone when he called. She knew the things she’d said had been unforgivable, and she was worried what else she might say if she got too upset.
Reed had called the house daily for weeks, finally leaving lengthy phone messages when she refused to answer. At first they were heart-rending, then they were resigned. Finally, after months of Sam ignoring him, Reed became angry.
‘That’s it, huh? Six years, but you’re willing to just throw it away like this? You’re so fucking stubborn. Why am I even bothering to call anymore? Why don’t you tell me? Tell me, Samantha!’
Sam knew he still called Susan occasionally to make sure she was okay, but she’d forbidden Susan from revealing how bad the depression had been. Eventually, the phone calls had petered off, and Susan heard from Lydia that Reed had been seeing other people.
She told herself that it was good.
“Sammy, you weren’t a rational person. You were clinically depressed. You need to tell him that. He's never known the whole story, and it’s not fair. He needs to hear it from you. Don’t you think he would want to know?”
Sam dashed the tears from her eyes. “You don’t get it, Susan. You weren’t there. I said such horrible things. Awful things. Things I knew weren’t true. And I said them anyway. You can’t unsay things like that.”
“Please talk to him; you know he would understand.”
Sam shook her head. All she could hear was Reed pleading for forgiveness as she ripped her canvases apart. Then the crash of the light kits and the eerie silence that followed.
“I told him I didn’t need him,” she whispered. ”That he could never give me what I needed, and that he was holding me back.” She choked on her tears as she continued. “I told him it was a good thing I lost the baby, because he was too self-centered to be a father.”
She heard Susan gasp as the tears rolled down her face. “Sammy—”
“How on earth could he still love someone who would say that to him? How could he even look at me again?” Sam stood, pacing back and forth on the porch as she stared at the full moon rising over the mountains. “He deserves to be with someone who would never say something like that.”
Sam turned to her cousin with pleading eyes. “I know he still feels guilty, but that will pass, and he'll find someone who’s good for him. Who’s healthy and whole. Didn’t Javi tell Vanessa he was seeing that performance artist?”
Susan snorted. “Yeah, she also said she had to restrain Javi from flying up to New York so he didn’t kick the shit out of Reed.”
“That’s not fair,” she whispered. “He deserves to be happy.” She nodded. “He’ll find someone to make him happy.”
“You make him happy.”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t. I hadn’t made him happy in months.”
“That’s not true. You loved him. Even when you were sick, you loved him, and he knew that.” Susan came to stand behind her and put her arms around Sam’s waist. She had lost so much weight, she almost felt like Susan could snap her in two.
Her cousin leaned her chin on Sam’s shoulder as they looked out at the dark lake. The stars reflected off the cold water, and it reminded Sam of the lake in the middle of Central Park where Reed liked to take pictures. He had sent her one the previous month. It was just a snapshot, but Sam had taped it to the fridge along with all the other random pictures of the city Reed kept sending.
“Don’t you love him anymore?”
“Of course I love him.” Sam shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I’ll always love him.”
“So why—”
“He deserves better than this mess.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Pomona, California
July 2010
Kate let herself into the warehouse late on Thursday night with the key Javi had given her, quietly picking her way through the studio toward the small office in back. None of the lights were on, and she didn’t hear music blasting, so she guessed he had gone home for the night.
She’d driven directly from the airport, thankful that she had been able to sleep on Susan’s plush private jet. She was on her way home when she remembered one of her lenses was still in Pomona, and she needed it the next morning.
Kate wasn’t tired, despite the time change, and she hummed happily as she maneuvered through the scrap metal that littered the floor. She smiled at the thin path Javi always seemed to clear for her leading toward the back office. She wondered if he even realized he did it.
She couldn’t stop thinking about what Reed said about him. Was she really the only other artist he had ever let use his studio? She knew she was fascinated by him. Did he really see her as more than a kid he was helping out as a favor to Dee?
Kate picked up a worn work shirt that had fallen to the ground and draped it over the back of a chair. Javi often stripped down to just an undershirt after he finished working, sweat pouring off of his arms and back from the heat of the torch and the weight of his leather sleeves. She flashed to the memory of him the week before, standing over the beginnings of a new piece wearing only a pair of jeans, his cowhide chaps, and a sweat-soaked t-shirt. The sculptor had caught her eyes and stared at her. Kate had to fight the urge to grab her camera.
No man had ever affected her the way Javi did. She was past trying to deny it or try to reason through it. He had become her fascination. He may not have been classically h
andsome, but something about the rough sculptor drew her in.
“Like a moth to a flame.” She sighed as she pried open the door.
Kate turned the lights on in the office and was looking through her bag of lenses when the door slammed open. She gasped as she stepped back, and her foot twisted in the leg of the chair behind her, causing her to stumble and fall. She landed with a small ‘oomph’ as Javi strode into the room.
“Shit, Katie! What the hell are you doing here? I thought someone was robbing the place!” He blinked at her in confusion and tossed aside the length of steel pipe he’d been holding.
She scowled as she rubbed her forehead where she’d bumped it on the desk. “I was just getting a lens! I didn’t think you were even here. All the lights were off.”
He knelt beside her and pushed her hair back to look at her forehead. “I was working late,” he said in a gravelly voice. “I crashed on that bed I have in the back. Did you hit anything else or just your forehead? Let me see. It’s not bleeding, but you’ll have a bump.”
Javi pushed the chair back and disentangled her ankle with gentle hands. He was bare from the waist up, and Kate’s eyes were drawn to the defined muscles at his waist and abdomen.
“N—no,” she stuttered as she took in his brightly painted chest. “I’m fine.” Most of his tattoos were flames. She had examined the blue and green patterns on his arms and shoulders, but had never seen the bright red and gold fire that licked up his torso and spread over his chest. She couldn’t stop staring.
“You sure you’re okay?” He frowned at her blank expression, and the color rushed to her face. He glanced down at his naked chest, as if just realizing he was only half-dressed. “Oh, sorry. I’ll, uh… I’ll go put a shirt on. I was sleeping.”
“It’s okay. I’m not—I mean… they’re beautiful.” She blushed even brighter when she realized he had caught her staring at his chest. “Your tattoos. I’ve never seen all of them. They’re… beautiful.”
He was still holding on to her ankle, and she felt his thumb brush along the curve of her calf. He looked down, his sleepy eyes tracing along her legs as he knelt between them. Her heart began to race, and she leaned forward. Javi quickly rocked back on his heels and stood, silently holding out a hand to help her to her feet.
“How was New York?”
She tried to ignore the rush of disappointment as he distanced himself. She grasped his hand and stood. “Good. It was good.” Kate turned back to the desk to zip up her lens case.
“Reed said he enjoyed meeting you, which is unusual for him.”
She smiled, knowing he didn’t intend it as an insult.
“He called you?” She swung around to catch him staring at her legs with hooded eyes. Javi blinked again and cleared his throat.
“Yeah. Yeah, we talked this afternoon.”
“What did he say?”
He stared at her, and Kate wondered if he would even answer.
“He said I was lucky.” His eyes raced over her face, lingering a little on her slightly parted mouth. “To be working with you, I mean. He thinks you’re really talented.”
“Oh.” She nodded and forced a smile. “That’s really flattering.”
“Yeah.”
They stood across from each other, both silent as tension blanketed the room. Her heart was racing. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the swirling flames that covered him. She wanted to trace each curling flame with her fingers. Was his skin as smooth as it looked? Or would it be rough? His hands would be rough. But strong. Kate saw an anvil marking the inside of his bicep.
She wanted to sink her teeth into it.
Kate finally lifted her eyes to meet Javi’s. Her knees almost gave out when she saw the unguarded hunger in his sleepy stare. Her heart sped up, and she took a tentative step toward him. Reed’s words rushed back to her.
“I’ve never seen Javi share his space with anyone before.”
“No one?”
“Never.”
Taking a deep breath, Kate took another step toward him, only to see Javi step back from her and cross his arms over his chest. He frowned and looked at her feet. It didn’t matter anymore. She had seen the invitation in his eyes.
“Did you twist your ankle or anything?”
“Javi—”
“You should probably get some sleep. I’m sure you’re exhausted.”
“I slept on the plane.”
He stood motionless, like one of the statues he created, his arms crossed and his shoulders tense. Kate stepped toward him again, but this time, Javi didn’t move away. Her heart was pounding when she lifted a hand to his bare chest. He sucked in a breath as she ran a tentative finger along one of the flames that started over his heart, tracking it up his chest, until her finger lay over his collarbone.
She felt his massive body shiver under her touch as he exhaled a rough breath. Looking up to meet his dark eyes, she stood on her tiptoes and leaned forward until her lips met his. Kate held them to his for a moment, waiting… hoping he would kiss her back. Finally, she felt Javi’s surprisingly soft lips move a fraction as a rough sound escaped his throat.
Kate drew back, unsure of his reaction. His shoulders were still tense and his arms remained crossed, but his mouth gaped a little, as if in shock. Her face flaming, she stepped away from him, turning toward the desk to grab her bag so she could make a quick exit.
“Kate.”
Plastering on a blank expression, she turned. Javi stepped toward her, reached a rough hand out to cup the back of her neck, and pulled her into his arms. His lips crashed into hers and his left arm came around to grip her waist and weld her against his body. She felt his fingers thread through the hair at the nape of her neck as he tilted her head to angle her mouth toward his. Hard lips devoured hers and when she gasped, Javi only pulled her closer. Her head swam and Kate lifted her arms around his neck; a soft whimper escaped her throat.
He drew back immediately. “Am I hurting—”
Javi couldn’t finish his question, because Kate pulled him back and kissed him again. She pressed her body to his, reveling in the heat of his arms. The strength. She dug her fingers into his shoulders. His upper body was hard as stone from years of working with metal and concrete, but his callused hand stroked her neck gently as he kissed her with the same intensity and focus he had when he held a torch.
Yes, she thought. More. This was what she needed.
He finally pulled away from her. “Kate,” he panted. “I don’t—” He cleared his throat, still eyeing her lips as his fingers flexed at the small of her back. “What the hell are we doing?”
She took one hand from his neck and ran it along his jaw until her fingertips traced his lips. “Kissing.” She leaned in and softly bit over the spark scars along his neck.
He let out a low growl and pulled her lips back to his. “You know what I mean,” he mumbled against her mouth. Javi’s arms were tightly controlled power, but his lips… his lips were soft and hungry.
“I really don’t,” she said.
“Is this—” He broke away and tilted her chin up to press kisses along the soft skin of her neck. “Are you going through some…” Kate’s eyes rolled back when she felt the soft tug of his fingers twisting in her hair. “…some bad-boy, ugly-artist phase?”
“You’re most definitely not a boy. And there’s nothing ugly about you, Javi,” she whispered.
He drew back and met her eyes. The overwhelming hunger she had seen earlier had softened. The tension left his shoulders, and his hands relaxed against her skin. He pressed a single, soft kiss to her mouth as his fingers explored the curves of her face.
“Why me?”
She smiled. “Because you see me, and I see you. And because…” Kate reached up and pressed her cheek to his as she whispered in his ear, “You’re more than you think you are.”
He reached up and cupped her face, looking directly into her eyes when he spoke. ”If we do this, it’s gonna be real. You and me. Meet the
family. All that stuff. I’m too old to play around with this shit.”
“You know, Javi, I don’t think anyone would take you for a casual kind of guy. Especially not me.”
He smirked, and his thumbs brushed against the soft skin of her jaw. “So no fooling around?”
Her eyebrows lifted. “Well, I don’t know about that.”
Kate was surprised to see the bashful smile cross his lips. “I didn’t mean… that. Exactly.”
She smiled a little. “Good, because I like some kinds of fooling around.”
“I just mean…” He frowned and placed a hand over her heart. “I want something real with you, Katie. With us. I’m not a kid, so if that’s not what you’re looking for—”
“It is. That’s what I want, too. Something real. And something honest.”
Javi’s smile dropped, and he looked her dead in the eye. “I will never lie to you.”
Kate snorted a little. “Oh, I know you won’t. Even the few times I might want you to, I’m sure you’ll be brutally honest.”
He shrugged and put an arm around her, tugging her toward the door leading out to the warehouse. “I might learn to be… slightly less brutal,” he muttered as he shut off the lights and led her toward the kitchen.
“Just be you.” She leaned over and touched her lips to his shoulder, smiling against his skin. “I’ve become surprisingly attached to that guy.”
Javi stopped and drew her into another kiss. Kate was overwhelmed by how gently he held her. Like she was glass. Something precious and delicate. And she remembered the hands that swung a hammer could also set a tiny stone.
He pulled away. “I never expected this. I wasn’t looking for you.”
“I guess that’s what you get for letting me into the warehouse.”