My spine straightened, muscles tightened. “Hello.”
We glowered as if we were about to go to war to win the hand of some maiden we both could never hope to deserve.
Della inched between us, closer to me than to him but still playing mediator. “David, I want to re-introduce you to someone. Now, before you say anything, you already know my story, and at the time, you said you understood. I’m asking you to remember your understanding and not—”
“It’s okay, Della.” David let his arms uncross and dangle by his sides. “I get it.” His jaw clenched in a way that said he didn’t get it, but to his credit, he held out his hand for me to shake.
I studied him, not quite ready to let bygones be bygones. Della inconspicuously kicked my boot, and I flicked her a glance.
This meant something to her.
And my entire life was based on the undying need to give her whatever she wanted.
No matter how hard.
I shook his hand firmly, friendly, and my anger swirled into shame. “I know what you must think of me.” David opened his mouth to say something, but I snapped, “And believe me, you have every right.”
We broke apart as he said, slightly surprised, “Look, I only need to know two things, and then I can let what happened between us go. I can overlook how sad Della was the night she came to me for…comfort, and I can accept that she’ll be safe…out there.” His eyes trailed to the city’s horizon where the barest glimpse of trees beckoned.
“All right.” I nodded. “But first, I want to say something.” The words tasted sour, but I forced myself to continue. “Thank you for being the one Della ran to that night. I caused her pain and, out of anyone she could’ve chosen, I’m glad you were the one to help soothe it.”
I glanced at Della, my heart kicking at her wide shock and besotted disbelief. “I never told Della, but I blamed myself. Every damn day. And I left because I was selfish. I only thought of my pain, not the girl I’d promised to keep safe.” I tore my gaze from Della’s, glaring at David once again. “You kept her safe when I didn’t. And for that…I’ll always be grateful.”
I owed him that.
A thank you and an apology.
But I also owed him a warning.
My ability to accept that I was the reason Della ran into his arms only stretched so far. I could be magnanimous because we were leaving. We would never see him again, and that was the only reason I could lower myself to second best before him, to curb my anger and play meek.
But if we ever crossed paths again, if he ever tried to take what was mine…it wouldn’t end so civilised.
David shared a look with Della before clearing his throat. “Eh, thanks.”
I nodded sharply, the heaviness from my backpack reminding me that streets weren’t my home, and it was time to leave.
Holding up his hand, not as judgmental as before, he said, “Okay, the two things I need to know are—”
“David, we talked about this last night.” Della butted in. “And I told you, time and time again, nothing inappropriate happened. You know that. That’s the whole reason I came to you in the first place. He refused to do anything inappropriate. Please…don’t bring it up again.”
“I know what you said, and I trust you. But I want to hear what he has to say.” Pinning me with a glare, he added, “So, Ren. First thing I need to know is did you ever touch her improperly? Ever. In all the years you grew up together. Not an ‘oops’ as you were helping her from the pool or a ‘whoops’ when you were tucking her into bed?”
I stood taller, disgusted. “What sort of sick bastard do you think I am?”
“The one who’s taking a child he raised and hiding her in the jungle to do whatever he damn well wants.”
My chest puffed up, my hands clenching. “First, it isn’t a jungle. Second, she’s no longer a child. Third, I never once looked, touched, or thought of Della in any way other than brotherly affection until she—”
I cut myself off.
A kiss at thirteen was still a terrible thing to admit. It didn’t matter that the moment it all changed, it wasn’t my fault but hers. She’d been the one to ruin us, destroy me, and corrupt every day from there on.
And who knew?
If she’d never kissed me at the exact same second when I was having the most incredible dream of my life, I might never have had to fight changing thoughts and switching needs.
But she had, and I couldn’t confess her age or mine when it’d happened.
Della put her hand on my arm, squeezing gently. “Ren, it’s okay.” Turning to David, she sniffed. “You know enough. You don’t need to know anymore. And as for your second thing, I can guess what you’re about to ask.”
“You can?” He raised a fair-coloured eyebrow.
“Of course, she can guess,” I interrupted. “Everyone can guess what you really want to know. I want to know, too. But there isn’t an answer. Not yet, anyway.”
Della gave me a sad look, her fingers feathering on my arm again, this time in worry rather than consolation. “Does it scare you?” she murmured.
I completely forgot about David as I drank her in, saw her panic, tasted her concern. Unable to stop myself, I cupped her cheek softly. “I’m fucking terrified. But…we don’t have a choice now. We’ve gone too far to go back.”
She pressed her face into my hold, her gaze glassing liquid before she nodded. “I know.”
David sighed. “I guess you have just answered my question.”
We both turned to him, my hand dropping from her cheek. I’d forgotten how in-tune Della and I were. I didn’t know what it was—a lifetime lashing us together, heartstrings knotted together, or just a sixth sense.
Our connection used to wow me as a boy and now undid me as a man.
“You want to know what happens in the end,” I said quietly, staring him down. “You want to know if I’ll keep Della happy for the rest of her life. That this isn’t a mistake. That we aren’t doing something sick just for the hell of it. Am I right?”
David swallowed, his face falling in a way I hadn’t expected. “I care for Della, and for the past six months, I’ve hated you for hurting her. But you’re right. It is sick, and I don’t agree with it. And I hope to God I’m wrong, but I don’t think it will work between you. However, I also know you care for her. I see that. I just hope you understand what you’re getting into.”
My stomach clenched. “I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do.” Anger turned his voice sharp. “You share the same last name. How’s that going to work now you’re no longer able to be called brother and sister? You know Della better than anyone, but how is it going to feel when you can’t separate the past from the present? What happens when it all goes wrong? What about when people find out?” He forced out a breath, reining himself in. “Look, you’re right. There is no answer. And I can’t protect Della from future heartache. It’s not my place. I just hope you know what you’re doing. Seeing as you’re supposed to be the parental figure in this scenario.”
Fuck.
His words rang in my head.
It wasn’t anything I hadn’t thought about before, but he’d returned all my revulsion and fear. What would happen when we could no longer use the same name? Was that why I was forcing her to leave? So the next town we came across, I could introduce her as my wife and not my sister?
Christ.
I spoke the truth when I said it was too late to go back, but maybe it was suicide if we continued going forward.
Dread settled acidic in my belly as David shrugged at Della. “Sorry, Del. I know I said I’d just say goodbye, but I couldn’t help it.” Gathering her in a hug, he kissed her cheek. “Forgive me?”
She sighed. “Nothing to forgive. I’m sorry I put you in this situation.”
“Don’t be.” His eyes glistened. “I’m really glad you found me that night.”
My hands curled, reminded yet again that David had touched her.
“I’m alw
ays here if you need me. Just please…be careful. Okay?” He kissed her one last time, then stepped back. “I want you to be happy, regardless if I don’t agree with how you find it.”
Giving me a cool look, he pointed toward the road. “Now, get off my property.”
Snatching Della’s hand, I helped her slip her backpack onto her shoulders and yanked her through the white picket gate. “Be my pleasure.”
Letting her go, I expected Della to take her hand back. Instead, she latched her fingers around mine—five of hers to my four—and tugged me forward. “Come on, Ren. Let’s go home.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
REN
* * * * * *
2018
WE’D WALKED FOR miles.
At the start of our journey, we’d cheated and used our remaining coins to catch a bus to the city limits. Another few miles up the road, and we would’ve passed the dairy farm I used to work for. Even this far away, the air was tainted with the smell of silage and cow manure.
Instead of heading that way, we’d cut across some farmer’s paddock, jumping over fences and ducking through wire until we approached the outskirts of the forest.
The trees were thin and sparse on the border, steadily growing thicker and taller as shadows swallowed them up. Fallen leaves scattered on the ground while the scent of must and mulch soothed a little of my heartache, welcoming me back.
Della paused as I stepped into the embrace of bracken and branches. We hadn’t talked much since leaving David. Our conversation stuck to impersonal topics such as where I’d stored the rest of our cash, if I gave the apartment key back, and how many supplies we had before we had to return to a town.
My answers had been soft and monosyllable, my mind still hung up on David’s questions. I needed to do this. We had no choice but to try. But what if…?
What if we realised we didn’t work as lovers?
Where would that leave us? How would we ever go back to being family?
I waited for Della to look up at the towering trees, glance over her shoulder, then stride toward me with resolution.
Joining me in the shadowy world, she asked quietly, “Are you happy, Ren?”
I jolted, my heart forgetting its own woe and focusing on hers. “What?”
She dropped her eyes. “Are you happy?”
“What sort of question is that?”
She looked up, annoyed. “One that you’re not answering.”
“Of course, I’m happy. You’re here. I’m happy whenever you’re around.”
“That wasn’t my question, and you know it.”
I sighed, dragging a hand through my hair. “I am happy, Della. But if you’re asking if I’m happy about what we’re doing, I can’t give you that.”
Her shoulders slouched. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t know if I am yet.”
“Oh.” She flinched, breaking me all over again. I wanted to hug her, but after years of denying myself, I didn’t remember how to just reach out and take her.
“I don’t want to lie to you, Little Ribbon.” I closed the distance between us, capturing her hand. “We both need to adjust. I’m sure if I asked you if you were happy, you wouldn’t be able to give me a direct answer.”
“I could.” Her fingers twitched in mine. “I am. So happy. But I’m also petrified that any second now, you’re going to say this was a terrible mistake and march me back to David’s.”
“Believe me.” I chuckled darkly. “I won’t ever take you back to David. You’re mine. You always have been.”
“Phew. I thought you forgot that part.” She half-smiled and walked into me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“Never.” I allowed my embrace to envelop her, pressing my chin on the top of her head, smelling the subtle scent of melons. “You’ll always be mine, and I’m beyond happy to have you with me in the forest again. Is that enough for now?”
She nodded against my chest. “It’s enough.”
We stood together for a long while, once again committing to this and gathering courage to continue. Once we’d settled our heartbeats, we broke apart, striding deeper into the forest.
Our boots snapping twigs and backpacks creaking were the only sounds as we ventured farther. We didn’t talk—almost as if we were afraid of conversation and its power to make us wonder what would happen when we stopped for the night.
And now, we’d stopped.
For the past twenty minutes, Della had gathered firewood while I’d erected the tent that she’d given me on my twenty-seventh birthday. The same birthday she’d gotten her ribbon tattoo and I’d started a year’s disaster of sleeping with women I didn’t like, want, or need.
I’d despised myself for being so weak I’d sought companionship with women I couldn’t even remember.
Della dumped her armful of branches beside a fallen trunk I’d dragged into a small clearing to be a bench. Strolling over to me as I fixed the final tent peg into the ground, she put a hand on her hip. “Did you use this one while you were gone or our old one?”
“This one.” I stood, stretching out the kink in my back, cursing the aches in my chest. Just like old times, her gaze drifted to the bare flesh below my t-shirt and above my belt.
And just like old times, my heart smoked in desire and I shut down the aching in my blood.
But…I didn’t have to shut it down.
Not anymore.
How long would that habit take to break?
Della licked her lips as I lowered my arms. “I want to kiss you again, but I don’t know how.”
She seemed to melt into the forest floor. “Yes, you do. At least, you did before.” Her gaze darkened. “You still haven’t answered me about that, by the way.”
“And I’m not about to answer you now.” Closing the distance between us, I gathered her close, used my forefinger to tip her chin up, and pressed my mouth gently to hers.
Technically, our third kiss, but it punched me in the chest just as violently as our first.
I kept my mind locked on her. This Della. Right now. No Little Ribbon. No childhood recollections. No memories of anything but this.
Her breath caught as I kept the pressure soft and coaxing, even though everything inside said to crush her to me and let go of my control. No one was around. No one would know. But I would know, and that was the main issue we’d have to overcome.
Her tongue crept along my bottom lip, making my body harden. She arched up on her tiptoes, kissing me deeper as she slipped her tongue into my mouth.
My thoughts tried to flicker, a hologram of a little blonde angel laughing in the hay.
I groaned, licking her in invitation, killing the image.
“God, Ren.” Her arms looped around my neck as I dropped my finger from her chin and hugged her flush against me.
Our heads switched sides as our tongues danced and lips slid. Magic sparked from everywhere, electricity hissing, chemistry burning.
I couldn’t catch my breath as we clung to each other, kissing and kissing, losing track of time, not caring our boots crunched leaves as we stumbled together and righted, tripped together and stabilised.
And even though we attacked each other with a kiss, even though my mind threw memory after memory at me, and Della’s hands clutched my hair and tugged, and my fingernails dug into the soft curves of her hips and yanked her closer, we didn’t try for more.
We were happy conquering this small but unbelievable task. Learning each other, recognising each other’s flavour, remembering each other’s body in an entirely different way than the way we’d known before.
I sucked her bottom lip, biting gently as her leg pressed against mine, wedging against my hardness.
Her control snapped, and she tried to crawl into me.
I responded.
I couldn’t help myself.
Wrapping my arms tighter, I somehow marched her back and back, kissing and kissing, until her spine wedged against a tree, and I leaned into her.
Her fingers tugged viciously at my hair. My hips thrust in response, disobeying me. Her teeth nipped at my bottom lip, like I’d done to her, her tongue frantic for more.
Our kiss became frenzied and so fucking hot, I couldn’t stand it.
Breaking away, I held her at arm’s length as I struggled to get my breath back around the sudden vice of my lungs.
Her eyes were so dark they were navy, her pupils as wide as a cat’s. “Wow.” Tracing her mouth with a trembling finger, she shook her head. “I always knew kissing you would be extraordinary, but I had no idea how much.”
I coughed, then murmured around a throaty groan, “Kissing you is better than I could’ve imagined.”
“You’re saying you imagined kissing me?” She looked up beneath thick eyelashes.
I dragged a shaky hand over my face. How could I answer that?
“The truth, Ren. Did you?”
I laughed under my breath, tortured with honesty. “Yes. I imagined it.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Is it like you imagined?”
My voice thickened as I swallowed hard. “Better. So much better.”
She gave a flicker of a smile, slightly nervous, kind of shy, but entirely sexy with the utmost power to drop me to my knees. “I’m glad.”
“Glad you’re destroying me?”
“Glad I’m not the only one feeling this.”
“You’re not.” I took a hesitant step toward her again, brushing aside a wild curl like I had so many times in the past. “I feel it too. I have for years.”
She rose up, kissing me innocently on my stubble-covered cheek. “I can’t tell you the relief it is to hear that.” Ducking away, she headed toward the four-person tent she’d bought me. The brown siding and green stitching camouflaged it perfectly in the rapidly falling dusk.
Dragging her backpack toward her, she sat on the fallen tree trunk and pulled out a packet of pasta and carbonara sauce to make an easy dinner. I wasn’t fooled by her calmness. She acted as if our kiss hadn’t just scrambled her up, but her body couldn’t hide the jerky motions or shaky breaths.
Yet another reason evolving our relationship came with pitfalls. We couldn’t hide. We knew each other too well.