Chapter 34
“You need to find him, don’t you?” Benson says after a while, his face a tableau of anguish. “Who?” His hands are chilly to the touch. “Quinn. Whoever he is now. ” “Quinn?” I’m not sure how we even got to this subject. It feels foreign. Wrong. I don’t need Quinn, I need Benson. Don’t I? When did even the barest doubt enter into my mind? And how can I get rid of it? “If you’ve been reborn, then he has too, right?” “Yes, of course,” I say, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And right then, it is. “The Earthbound are never dead—their souls simply move from one body to the next. ” His hands are tight around my fingers and I can hear his heart beating. Not beating. Racing. Pounding. “You have to find him, then. It’s . . . it’s the only way you’ll be safe. ” I stare up at him part in horror and part in wonder. I won’t leave Benson—but my mind is screaming that I will be safer with Quinn. How does Benson know that? “And—and I won’t stand in your way,” he continues in a whisper. “I knew things would change when you remembered. And even though I—” “No,” I interrupt. “No, Benson. That’s not what I want. ” I force these feelings, this doubt away. I am my own master. I may be a goddess and the brotherhoods may think I have a path I’m not allowed to stray from, but they’re wrong. I can choose, and I will. ” “These people are chasing you because of a secret you knew two hundred years ago—do you think they’re just going to give up now?” Benson shakes his head, as if frustrated with himself. “You two need to be together. And I—” His voice breaks off and his hands tighten even more and the next words he says seem to take physical effort to force out. “I’ll help you. ” My head feel too heavy on my neck, but I force my face up so I can meet his eyes. “No, Benson, no. I don’t want him. I want you. ” “But—but you’re Rebecca now. ” I lift my hands to frame his face. “I am not Rebecca. I was, absolutely. But I’m not now. I’m Tavia and I love you, Benson. ” He’s silent for a long time before he whispers, “It’s not as easy as that. ” “It can be. ” “People are trying to kill you, Tave. That’s more important. ” My thumb touches his cheekbone, just under the cut. “Nothing is more important than this. ” His voice sounds frantic, and icy fear clenches at my heart. “But at the house, after your vision, you said—” “I didn’t say anything,” I counter, a little pissed that he believes I would turn on him so easily. “Rebecca said a lot of things before I got control back. It’s what she wants, Benson. But she’s not in charge this time around. I am. ” Benson’s eyes are wide and then he closes his mouth and clenches his teeth, the muscles standing out on his cheeks. “I just . . . I assumed, I mean you’ve had lifetimes with him, right?” “I guess, but—” “Everything you’ve done the last three days has been about you trying to get to Quinn, to figure out Quinn, to complete this mystery task Quinn had for you. Not Rebecca—you. ” His hands are tight on my arms, not holding me back, more like holding himself back from me. I loosen his hands, and his expression turns chastened until I step forward and lay my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around him as lightly as possible. “I thought I might be in love with him; I did. I thought that desperate feeling of obsession was love. And maybe it’s a kind of love. But it isn’t the kind I like. ” I pull back and look at him. “Rebecca will always be there inside me. And there are—others—who may come out in time. But I won’t let them choose my life. ” I lean my head back so I can see Benson’s face, so I can look him in the eye. “I don’t want him, Benson. I want you. I don’t love him. ” I take a deep breath. “I love you. ” The moment stretches and everything is still. Benson’s eyes stare into me, searching for truth. Maybe searching for lies. But there are none. The feelings I have for Quinn will always be there—I understand that now, and I can’t purge an entire part of me, especially one as big as my past lives—but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my long recovery, it’s to live every day like it’s my last. And if today is my last day, I want to spend it with Benson. He looks shocked, so I reach for the back of his neck and bring his lips down to mine. Benson comes to life, his arms twisting around me, holding me close. Pained groans sound against my mouth, but he doesn’t release me; his kiss is hard, as though branding me his in a way words alone cannot. His fingers stroke close to my scar and then across it. I freeze, waiting for him to . . . I’m not even sure. Pull away? Push against it? At the very least, ask questions. But his cheek rubs across my forehead and his hands continue their gentle exploration as though he didn’t notice. He slides his fingers to each side of my face, warming my clammy skin. “Tave,” he whispers, his lips feather light. “What?” I whisper back, my fingers finding a sensitive curve of his neck and making him shiver. He bends his head so his mouth is right by my ear. “Run away with me. ” “What do you mean?” “Let’s go underground,” he says, gripping my hand in tight fists, one of the cuts on his right knuckle cracking open and oozing a tiny droplet of blood. “These people chasing you—Reduciata, Curatoria, whoever— if you stay here, they’re going to find you. And when they do, they are going to kill you. ” He looks down and shifts back and forth a few times. “I was going to suggest you take the money and leave on your own to find whoever Quinn is now, but if—if you really want me—” “I do, Benson,” I interrupt, not willing to let him have the slightest moment’s doubt about that. “Then—then I’ll come too. But we have to be fast and thorough. These people, they’ve found us again and again and I can’t let them hurt you. Not now. We have to go seriously underground, Tave. It’s going to be hard core. Leave my phone, ditch the car, change our identities, every thing. ” The fear in his eyes terrifies the glee out of me. “What about your family?” I ask. “This isn’t like when you left Portsmouth with me. If we run tonight, I don’t know if there’s any coming back. Ever. ” “There’s not,” he says, determined. “You’ve already made your decision. ” “I decided yesterday—with or without you, I’m going to run. I’m hip deep in all this stuff already. If we both went to ground in different directions, we’d probably be safer. ” He sighs and bunches his fists on his hips. “But to tell the truth, I’m willing to risk just about anything to be with you. ” “I have no family anymore, Benson. But I can’t pretend it’s the same for you. You might never be able to see your mom and brother again. ” He looks down, his emotions burning in his eyes. “I can’t—I can’t live my life for them anymore. Some bonds are stronger than blood; you’re my family now. ” The same words that filled my own thoughts just yesterday. It the final confirmation I need. Me and Benson. Benson and me. We’ll take on the world and win. Benson squeezes my hand. “We should go. Now. ” I nod, feeling sudden confidence in our plan. “How should we leave?” I ask. “I mean, since we have to ditch the car?” The stolen car. Maybe the cops will find it and give it back to whoever it belongs to. “Greyhound?” Benson suggests. “It’s not luxurious or anything, but it’ll get us far enough away to consider our options. We can park a few blocks from the nearest station and leave the Honda behind. You pick the city,” he says, stepping forward, his face close to mine. “Anywhere you want to go. ” “As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter. ” He kisses my forehead, then pulls his phone out of his pocket, looking even more like the Superman I’ve always thought of him as. “I’ll look up a bus station and then ditch this in a Dumpster. ” “You got that from a movie. ” He laughs. “Maybe, but the good guys always win in the movies, right?” I start to turn to get into the car, but Benson holds onto my hands. “When we get on the bus,” he says hesitantly, “we need to talk. Really . . . talk. ” “Absolutely,” I say, but my heart speeds a little at the look on his face. “I think we should talk now. ” We both spin at the intruding voice only to see what still appear
s to be an empty clearing. Then, in a circle around us, we hear the unmistakable click of guns being cocked. I cling to Benson, my eyes scanning the trees. Just as I’m sure no one is going to appear before they shoot us, Jay steps out from behind a tree.