Chapter 31
The holidays were approaching. Kelly was looking forward to having some time with Mike, but she had mixed feelings about the holidays. Some days, she didn’t even feel like putting up a tree; other times she was hoping the family time would be good for everyone. When these thoughts became too distracting, she reminded herself that the focus of Christmas was the birth of Christ, the Christ who died for her, forgave her, and loved her with an everlasting love. These were truths she had come to treasure more than ever before. Growing up in a strong Christian home, attending church from birth, and having a close-knit group of Christian friends had been a bastion for her as a child and adolescent. True, she had occasionally skipped a college class or made out with a boyfriend for longer than she should have. But for the most part, Kelly had been a pretty good person and received Christ at a young age. It wasn’t that she hadn’t known she needed God’s grace. She had just taken it for granted and not really thought about it much. Now, after such a fall, she realized how desperate she was for God’s presence in her life. The adult choir had sung a song a couple of times entitled, “May We Never Forget.” The second verse became Kelly’s theme: “May we never forget how it felt to be lost and how it feels to be free.” Kelly knew that after all she had done, she would never forget the grace of God in her life. When she fixed her eyes on these truths, the holidays began to have more meaning and joy.
Mike was also struggling with the approach of Christmas. Focusing on the birth of Christ helped some, but the conversation between Kelly and Andrew the previous December was never far from his mind. For the most part, he was able to forgive Kelly day by day, but he struggled with anger again as the holidays drew nearer. He wanted to lay it aside and focus on family and God’s gift of His son, but it was difficult. He and Kelly talked long into the night several times, working through the difficult aspects of the holidays. Kelly understood Mike’s emotions. Sometimes, though, she wondered if they would ever be able to live without the constant memory of her sin. But at least they were communicating. As long as they continued to do that, there was hope for them.
One evening, Mike seemed more distant than ever. After the boys were in bed, Kelly say down beside him and asked, “What’s wrong tonight? Are you having a hard time?”
Mike didn’t look at her for a moment. This had always bothered Kelly, but she was learning that she needed to allow Mike to think things through sometimes before he responded. Mike finally answered without meeting her gaze. “Do you know what day it is?”
“December 6th?”
“Yes, December 6th. The day of your big celebration dinner last year.”
Kelly’s heart sank. She felt badly that she hadn’t remembered it, and she felt sorry that Mike had. “I’m so sorry, Mike. I guess I had blocked it out of my mind.”
“I wish I could. I wish I could block everything out of my mind. Sometimes it’s so hard to think of celebrating anything this Christmas. Sometimes it feels like a season of mourning instead of a season of joy.”
Kelly didn’t know what to do. Sometimes when Mike was having a hard time, he didn’t want to be touched. It was too painful. So Kelly just looked at him tenderly and said. “I know this is going to be a hard holiday season. And I know it’s my fault. I’ll do my best not to make it any worse by taking things personally. I know sometimes I am not very patient.”
Mike looked at her for a moment and then looked away. “I wish I could make this easier, but all I can feel right now is more anger. Anger that you shared yourself with another man, anger that you didn’t tell me for so long, anger for the broken promises. I may not be able to be close to you.”
Kelly’s heart grew heavy, but she knew that her actions were to blame. She and Mike were closer than they had ever been in some ways, but her sin had been life changing for both of them. Some of the changes were good. They realized they could never take a break from their marriage; it had to be nurtured daily. But there was also the pain that she had caused. She and Mike had discussed other contributing factors to their problems, but there was no justifying adultery, and she knew it.
After a few minutes, Kelly took his hand. “I know you sometimes don’t want to be touched when you are feeling so low. But I want to reach out. I’ll let go if you want me to.”
Mike covered her hand with his. “No Kelly. I don’t want you to let go.”
They sat that way for a long time, lost in their own thoughts. Kelly prayed again silently that God would continue to work in their marriage. Mike prayed for the strength to love Kelly through this latest storm. Christmas would be painful at times, but at least they were both praying.