pal?” Laurel asked her.
“Bunches because I’m allowed to get a little blitzed at my own bridal shower.We had my bridal shower!” She took the cake from Laurel, plucked one of the chocolate petals. “Oh,
mmmm. Did I tell you I love my cake?”
“Yeah, baby.” Laurel leaned over, kissed the top of Mac’s head.
“And that I loved absolutely everything? I’m so glad we did this in here, in family rooms. It just felt more home, you know? And everything looked so pretty. Em, the flowers. Just wow.You were so right to go with lots and lots of little arrangements and use that orange—what are they?”
“Cannas, and some zinnias.”
“Yeah, those, with the purple stuff to play off Laurel’s chocolate and the shiny green ribbons and all that.”
“Trust your florist. And it was really sweet of you to give Carter’s mom and his sisters flowers when they left.”
“They’re going to be my family now.” She beamed at everyone again. “I have such an amazing family. You guys, you’re the best ever, and I’m so lucky to have you. All of you, so damn lucky.And I’m so fucking glad my mother didn’t come.”
She took a breath. “Oops. Maybe I have had too much champagne.”
“You’re entitled.” Emma moved over to sit beside Mac, rubbed her arm. “It’s a happy time, and it was a really happy party. That’s all you need to think about.”
“You’re right. I’m just getting all the sappy stuff and the bitchy stuff out before the wedding. I don’t want to get all weepy and nervous on the day. So. Mrs. G, you’re all the mother I need, and you’ve always been right there.”
“I’ve had a good share of this bubbly, too. Don’t get me watered up.” Then she sighed.“Oh well.You’re a skinny, smart-mouthed redhead. And I’ve loved you since the day you first toddled in the door.”
“Aw.” Rising, Mac dashed over to grab Mrs. Grady in a rib-crusher. “Okay, Laurel.”
“Uh-uh.”
Mac snorted at Laurel’s reaction.“You’re a hardass when I need one, a friend through thick and thin.When I’m stupid, you tell me, but you never hold it against me.”
“That’s a good summing up.” Laurel laughed her way through Mac’s hug.
“Emma.Always a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on. You find a way to see the rainbow in the storm, and that’s gotten me through a lot of storms.”
“Lots more rainbows for you, sweetie.” Emma hugged Mac hard.
“And Parker.” Mac scrubbed her hands over her damp cheeks. “Never once in my life have you let me down. Let any of us down. You’re the one who gave us family, gave us home, the one who opened us up to what we could do, who we can be.”
“Mac.” Parker got to her feet, laid her hands on Mac’s teary cheeks. “We gave each other family, and home.”
“We did. But it started with you.” On a sigh, Mac wrapped her arms around Parker, laid her head on Parker’s shoulder. “I know I’m buzzed, but I wish everybody everywhere could feel as happy, as loved, as right as I do this minute.”
“After that, I think we do at least. So that’s a start.”
It was nearly midnight when everyone was tucked into bed, and the party debris cleared. Still revved from success, feeling sentimental about Mac’s sweet, half-drunken speech, Parker wandered through the house, doing a final check.
Home, she thought. Their home, as Mac had said. Not just what had been passed down for generations—though that was the base—but what they’d made it. Just as her parents had made it their own, adding touches, living lives.
People would always call it the Brown Estate, she reflected, but those who lived there knew it was so much more.
Maybe one day she’d be able to share it, build on it, with the man she loved.
That, she knew, remained the underpinning of all her dreams, her goals, her ambitions.To love, be loved, to share, to build on that love and partnership something strong and lasting.
She could be successful without it. She could be content without it. But she understood herself well enough to know she’d never feel complete, never feel fully happy, without that loving partnership.
She believed, absolutely, in the power and the strength of love, the promises made, the endurance of commitment.Weddings were a celebration of that, a kind of show full of symbols and traditions. But, at the core it was the vows, the promises, the emotional knot tied between two people believing it would hold for a lifetime that mattered.
And she’d come to understand, was well on her way to accepting, that Malcolm was the partner she wanted for those promises, for that lifetime.
Still, she mused, partnership required that sharing, a depth of trust, a knowing. There were still so many places and pieces in him he shaded, or even closed off from her.
How could that underpinning hold, for either of them, if parts of him remained locked down?
Restless, she adjusted a pillow on the sofa. Maybe she asked for, maybe she expected, too much too soon. But Malcolm wasn’t the only one who wanted to know how things worked, and why.
She caught the flash of headlights against the window glass, frowned. Moving closer, she recognized Malcolm’s car and, delighted—it was as if she’d conjured him—went to open the front door.
“It’s late,” he said as he stepped into the portico, skimmed his fingers through rain-dampened hair.
“That’s all right. Come in. It’s cold and wet out there.”
“I saw some lights on, so I figured you might be up.”
“You figured right.” Something’s wrong, she realized as she scanned his face, saw the tension in it.“We just finished cleaning up.”
“Right. Right. How did it go? The thing?”
“It was great.” He didn’t move to touch her, to kiss her. She leaned in, brushed her lips over his in as much comfort as greeting. “Start to finish.”
“Good.”
He wandered the foyer, obviously restless.
Tell me what’s wrong, she thought. She could all but see the barrier between them, hated pushing at it. “Malcolm—”
“Got a beer?”
“Sure.” Give him a little time, she told herself as she led the way back toward the kitchen. “I guess you had a long night. Did you get everything done you’d wanted to?”
“No. I made a dent in it, but something else came up.”
She got out a beer, started to get out a glass.
“Bottle’s fine.” He popped the top, but didn’t drink.
How could she not know how to handle this—him—she wondered, when she always knew? “Do you want something to eat? We have leftovers from the party, or Mrs. G’s—”
“No. I’m good.”
No, she thought as he wandered the kitchen, he wasn’t.
Enough, she decided. Just enough. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I had things to do. After I did them, I didn’t feel like going home so I took a chance you’d still be up.You were.” He lifted the beer now, but after a single sip set it down. “Since you are, maybe I can talk you into bed.”
Frustration and disappointment mixed uneasily with resentment. “If I thought you’d come by for a beer and sex, I might be amenable. Since I don’t, no, you can’t talk me into bed.”
“It was worth a shot. I’ll get going.”
And now anger sifted into the mix. Her eyes flashed as he started out.“Do you think you can come here, knock on the door, then turn around and go when you don’t get what you want on your terms?”
His face remained calm—neutral, she thought—and she imagined he’d wear that same expression playing poker.
“I don’t remember laying out any terms. The mood’s wrong, so I’m going home.We can both catch a few hours’ sleep.”
“Oh yes, that’ll work now that you’ve annoyed and upset me.”
He stopped, dragged a hand through his hair. “Sorry. That wasn’t the plan. I should’ve gone home in the first place.”
“Maybe you should have, since you seem to feel our relationship shouldn’t involve any sort of confidences on your side, or expression of actual feelings.”
Neutral shifted, lightning speed, to annoyance.“That’s bullshit.”
“Don’t tell me what bullshit is when I’m looking at it. You know the way out,” she added, and started by him.
When he grabbed her arm, frostbite burned his fingers.
“Look, bad night, that’s all. Bad night, shitty mood. I shouldn’t have brought them over here.”
“You’re absolutely right.” She shoved his hand away. “Take them home with you.”
She stalked over, poured the beer down the sink.
When she glanced back, she was alone. She felt the jab right under the heart.
“Well,” she mumbled, and carefully rinsed out the bottle. “Okay then. All right.This isn’t going to work for me.”
She imagined heaving the bottle against the wall, hearing the glass shatter. But, she admitted, that didn’t work for her either, so she took it to the recycle bin.
Switching off lights, checking locks, she made her way back through the house, walked upstairs to her wing.
In the bedroom, she undressed, put her shoes away, placed the clothes in the proper hampers before slipping into her oldest and most comforting pajamas.
She completed her bedtime routine, every step.
Then lay angry, miserable, and awake through the night.
“
WE DIDN’T HAVE A FIGHT.” PARKER PUSHED THROUGH HER SECOND mile in the gym. “What we have is an impasse.”
“It sounds like a fight to me,” Laurel said.
“A fight is where you argue, or shout, or say inappropriate things.This wasn’t a fight.”
“He left.You’re mad.Those are also elements of a fight.”
“Fine, have it your way,” Parker snapped. “We fought our way to the impasse.”
“He was stupid.”
“At last, we fully agree.”
“He was stupid,” Laurel continued, “to come over here at midnight when something was bothering him if he didn’t intend to tell you what was bothering him. And stupider to leave when you told him to leave because anyone who knows you understands you expected him to argue with you until you broke him down and he told you what was bothering him.”
With a nod, Parker grabbed her water bottle and chugged.
“Then again, he hasn’t known you as long as I have, so it’s possible he took ‘go home’ as just ‘go home.’”
A wet fist of tears clogged her chest. Parker pushed through them as she pushed through the next mile.“I can’t be with someone who won’t talk to me, who can’t be intimate with me except physically.”
“No, you can’t. But intimacy, the real kind, is harder for some than others. I’m not defending him,” Laurel added. “I’m assessing and extrapolating. I’m being you, since you’re too upset to be you.”
“Then I must be annoying. I’m sorry,” she said instantly, and stepped off the machine.“I’m sorry. I didn’t get any sleep, and I’m feeling mean.”
“It’s okay. Sometimes you are annoying.”
With a miserable half laugh, Parker grabbed a towel. “Yeah, I am. I’m annoying myself right now.” Burying her face in the towel, she scrubbed hard. Then just held it there when Laurel’s arms came around her.
“I don’t want to cry because it’s stupid to cry about this. I’d rather be annoying than stupid.”
“You’re not being either, and you know I’d tell you if you were.”
“I can count on you,” Parker said, and taking a steadying breath, lowered the towel.
“You’re pissed off, frustrated, sad, and really tired. So, take a few hours, get some rest. I can take anything that comes in. If I can’t, I’ll tap Emma and Mac.”
“Maybe I’ll take an hour. Go outside, take a walk, clear my head.”
“Whatever works. Give me the phone.”
“Oh, but—”
“I mean it, Parker, give me the phone.” Eyes narrowed, Laurel held out a finger, crooked it. “Otherwise, I’ll be forced to assume Malcolm’s not the only one with trust issues.”
“Unfair,” Parker muttered, but unhooked the phone from her waistband.
She didn’t bother to change, just tossed on a hoodie, zipped it. The brisk, cool air, so fresh from the evening’s rain, felt good. Denuded trees raised their dark arms up into a sky so blue and sharp and bright she regretted not grabbing sunglasses. The grass, hardened from the night’s frost, crunched under her feet.
Autumn, she thought, with its color and shimmer and smoky scents was nearly done and winter creeping up to take its place.
Mac’s wedding was only a month away. Still so much to do, so many details, so many check marks. It was probably for the best she and Malcolm had taken this step back from each other. She needed to focus on the most important wedding Vows had ever planned.
God knew there was plenty to deal with on all the other events, and that didn’t touch on the Seaman extravaganza in the spring, which needed constant attention.
She still had countless arrangements and plans to finalize for Emma’s wedding, and for Laurel’s.
Then there was the book proposal.With the changes and additions her partners had put in, it was as solid and ready as it could be.Time to send it to the agent, she thought.
Really, the simple truth was she didn’t have time for a relationship.
At some point, down the road, maybe. But not now. And she would certainly expect and demand a full partnership, a real meeting of minds, absolute trust.
As her parents had.
She couldn’t be—wouldn’t allow herself to be—in love with a man who didn’t want the same. However much it hurt now to realize that, to accept that, it would hurt more later if she denied it.
“Hey, Parker.”
She jerked out of the internal debate, and stared at Carter as he veered toward her, briefcase in hand.
“Carter. I’ve lost track of the time.You’re leaving for work.”
“Yeah. Is everything okay?”
“Sure. I just . . . I’d better get inside, get to work.”
He took her hand. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Really. I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I’m . . .” Doing exactly what Malcolm had done. Closing down, closing in.
“I think Malcolm and I ended things last night.”
“I’ll be sorry if that’s true. Can you tell me why?”
“I guess we don’t have enough common ground, or look at things the same way. Or want the same things.”
That wet fist tried to flex again.
“Carter, I’m not really sure. I don’t understand him.”
“Do you want to?”
“I always want to understand, and I’d say that’s why things aren’t going to work.”
He set his briefcase down where they stood, then draped an arm around her shoulders and began to walk.
“You have to get to work.”
“I’ve got some time. When Mac and I were having problems, when I felt I didn’t understand her, you helped me.You gave me some insight into her that I needed. Maybe I can do the same for you.”
“He won’t let me in, Carter. There are all these locked doors. Whenever I ask him about the hard things—and the hard things are a factor in making us who we are—he says it’s no big deal, it was a long time ago, or just shifts the subject.”
“He doesn’t talk about himself much. I think you’re right about the locked doors. And I think there are some people who lock them so they can open others.That they think they won’t be able to walk through the others if they don’t shut out what came before.”
“I understand that, I do. To a point. But how can you be with someone, hope you might stay with someone, who isn’t willing to let you see what they locked away, who won’t share the problems, the bad times? Who won’t let you help?”
“From the little he’s said, and more from what my mother related, he took some pretty hard knocks as a kid. Emotionally when he lost his father, physically from his uncle and aunt. You can’t be a teacher without dealing with kids who’ve been through something like that, or are going through it. In a lot of cases, trust takes time, and a lot of work.”
“So I should give it more time, be patient, and work harder.”
“Some of that’s up to you.” He rubbed her arm as they walked. “On his part, I’d have to say he’s crazy about you and hasn’t quite figured out how to handle it. You want, need, and deserve the whole picture, and he’s thinking you should look at what he is now, that it should be enough.”
“That’s a good analysis.” She sighed and, grateful, leaned on him a little. “I don’t know if it makes me want to move forward or away, but it’s a good analysis.”
“I bet he didn’t get much sleep last night either.”
“I hope not.” It helped to smile, and she did as she turned to hug him. “Thank you, Carter. Whatever happens, this helped.”
She drew back. “Go to school.”
“Maybe you could take a nap.”
“Carter, who are you talking to?”
“I had to try.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek, started toward his car again. Nearly tripped over his own briefcase before he remembered it.
“Mac.” Parker breathed it as she turned to go inside.“You’re so damn lucky.”
She paused a moment, just to study the house, the soft blue of it against the brilliant sky. All those lovely lines, she thought, the pretty touches of gingerbread, the gleam of windows. Like a wedding, she decided, those were details. At the core it was more than house, even more than a home, which was so vital to her. It was a symbol; it was a statement. It stood as it had for generations, a testament to her name, to her family. By standing it proved it was in her blood to build to last.
How could she build with Malcolm without understanding his foundation?
She went in through the kitchen. Coffee, she thought, a decent breakfast to boost some energy into her system. Maybe the answers would come, one way or the other, once she made herself fall back into routine.
But when she walked into the kitchen, Mrs. Grady sat at the counter, her eyes wet.
“What is it, what’s wrong?” Her own troubles forgotten, Parker rushed around the counter.
“There was a terrible accident last night. A car accident.”
“I know. Del said something about it. Oh God. Someone was killed? Someone you knew?”
“Worse than that. There were three girls—teenagers. There’d been four, but they’d just dropped the other off at home.They’re all dead, all of them.”
“Oh, no. Oh God.”
“I know the mother of one of them, from the book club I’m in.”
“Mrs. G, Mrs. G.” Parker wrapped her arms around her, rocked. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“There were two people in the other car. One’s stable now, they say, the other still critical.”
“I’m going to make you some tea.” She brushed Mrs. Grady’s hair back from her face. “You lie down awhile, and I’ll bring it to you. I’ll sit with you.”