My eyes were wide, but I couldn’t say anything. Jax had been homeless at fourteen?
"When I woke up, I found out someone had stolen the whole bag I’d saved," he said, his body starting to rock back and forth gently. "The sky was grey. My stomach was growling. And all I could do was . . . scream."
I realized the tears had started falling down my cheeks again. Jax opened his eyes back up and looked at me. "I know you want to understand what I’ve been through," he said, reaching up a hand to dry the tears. "But our pasts are different worlds. Some things . . . you can’t understand. And you don’t want to. You’re lucky."
He was right. There was no way I could understand how he’d grown up. I’d never been out on the streets before. I’d never even been close. "I’m really sorry, Jax," I said. "I didn’t know."
"Well, now you do."
I looked uncomfortably at my lap as a full minute passed by quietly. "I . . . one thing I don’t get," I said, breaking the silence. "What did your fourteenth birthday have to do with Kev and ice cream?"
His expression darkened. "Riley, didn’t I tell you not to ask about it?"
"Yes, but—"
"Good."
"Look, Jax, we have different pasts, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk now. I’m right here."
"You don’t get to win this one, Riley. Drop it." His expression was flat, unreadable, and he turned away.
Frustrated, I rolled over in the bed. I wanted to be a good girlfriend—I wanted to help Jax get past his fears instead of hiding from them. But no matter how hard I tried, he wouldn’t budge.
I couldn’t help hot tears from rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them from my face in a hurry, embarrassed that I was crying over something like this, but as I did, more came rolling down. Why was I getting so upset over this? I never would’ve imagined Jax shutting me out would hurt as much as it did. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how far I’d fallen for him.
Jax had been right when he said that we hadn't known each other for that long, but it felt like so much longer. My fear all this time had been what would happen if I gave in to him, but now for the first time, I began to fear what would happen if I lost him.
I curled into myself. It was like the pillow wall had been put back up and Jax, laying beside me, was a million miles away. With the pain in my chest eating away at me, I began to worry that I was getting myself in too deep. The more time I spent with Jax, and the closer we became, the more he’d be able to hurt me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
ALONE
I tossed and turned most of the night in Jax's bed as he slept soundly next to me. It almost felt like the pillow wall was back up and between us.
Thankfully, I must’ve dozed off sometime in the middle of the night since the next time I opened my eyes, sunlight streamed through the windows. Frustrated from my fitful night's sleep, I rolled over and realized I was the only one in bed.
"Jax?" Still woozy, I rubbed my eyes and scanned the room. There was no sign of him.
We still hadn’t spoken since our troublesome talk yesterday and both of us went to sleep angry at each other, all of which made his absence worrisome. The last time I woke up and he wasn’t around, he’d been planning our hotel getaway at the Palms. And while he could’ve been out making similar arrangements to make up for being so walled-off yesterday, I couldn’t shake the feeling that because of how we left things, this time it was different.
I wanted to know where Jax was, so I got up to look around the bus. Something was off though. There were no other footsteps, or music blaring, or any sounds of any sort.
After not finding anyone on the first and second floor, I went up to the sundeck and saw that we were parked amidst a grove of trees nestled in between rocky hills. In between the trees, I could see white stone columns and rows of red seats built into the hillside. It was The Roman, tonight's historic outdoor venue. It was supposed to be one of the hottest places to hold a concert in Los Angeles. Tonight’s show was special because it was going to be recorded for a live concert DVD.
I figured the band must’ve gone inside the venue to practice early and Jax was with them. Still though, it would’ve been thoughtful if Jax would’ve at least left me a note or something.
Even though Jax and I had issues we needed to work out, he’d made it clear that he didn’t want me to push him to talk, so I figured I’d wait until he decided to broach the subject.
Because of all the headaches and hanging out during the past few days, I had a lot of catching up to do before tonight's show so I went through my morning routine and then shifted myself into work mode. I spent the whole day on the bus' first floor couch, tossing around my laptop, hastily shuffling through papers, and shooting off brusque emails to my co-workers.
Later that afternoon, as I stretched out my stiff back, my phone started ringing. I eagerly grabbed it, hoping it was Jax calling to apologize.
But it was only Jen. Even though I’d gotten my hopes up for Jax, I was still happy to see her name show up. I answered and we chit-chatted for a bit. It was great to catch up with her and hear all the latest gossip about Hans Peterson. The whole time, though, she wouldn’t stop pestering me about Jax. Reluctantly, I gave her a few juicy snippets. But once I let a little slip out, I couldn’t stop, and I spilled everything that’d been going on. After I finished bringing her up to speed, including telling her how I woke up alone this morning and haven’t heard from Jax all day, there was a silence on the other end.
Jen cleared her throat. "I’m not trying to make any waves here, Rye, but as one of your very good friends, I feel like I should say something. Now, I know you’re the expert in bad boys, but I just watched this documentary on TV about them. This is how it always starts. First they wall themselves off, then they cut themselves loose. And usually with no explanations or anything."
"Oh stop, you’re over-exaggerating," I said, letting her words fly out the other ear. I knew she meant well, but I also knew that Jax and I had something special. "Trust me, Jax might be a bad boy, but he’s . . . different."
"If you say so, but if things go south, don’t say I didn’t warn you."
After we said our goodbyes and hung up, Jen’s words haunted me. First they wall themselves off, then they cut themselves loose. But I knew Jax wouldn’t do that to me. I thumbed around on the phone’s screen, ambivalent over whether I should text Jax. I wanted to see how he was feeling, but I was resolved to let him make the next move. I tossed the phone down and went back to work.
I worked for a little while longer when muffled laughs and footsteps trickled up from the door. I held my breath, anxiously waiting to see if Jax was coming up the stairs. Chewie, Sky, and then Kev burst in from the stairwell. Kev looked a little irritated. I was guessing that Jax still hadn’t made up with Kev because I knew he hadn’t apologized yesterday. I wanted to ask about it, but I also didn’t want to open up any closed up wounds.
"Hey guys, ready for the show?" I asked, keeping my eye on the door. When Jax didn’t appear behind them, I realized that he must’ve stayed behind in the venue, maybe to keep practicing.
Chewie smiled. "Wait 'til you see how hard we're gonna rock The Roman." He started headbanging for a second, and then stopped and said, "Man, I'm probably gonna win an Oscar once they release the DVD."
I couldn't help but smile at Chewie's exuberance. "Can't wait to take it all in from the sidelines. So what have you guys been up to all day? Practicing for tonight?"
"Nah, this entire tour's been one long practice sesh," Chewie replied with a blasé wave. "They’ve got this badass arcade in there and I've been wasting these two in videogames all day."
Kev rolled his eyes. "You won one game, Chew. One."
"Yeah, the final winner-takes-all game," Chewie said, confidently crossing his arms.
Sky shook her head at the two of them. "How's your day going, Riley? Thought you'd be off spending it with Jax before the show."
The sound of his nam
e made me sigh. I wished things were good enough between us to be on a date right now, I'd much rather be laughing and drinking with Jax than working and lamenting here on the bus by myself. "Nope. I've been working all day keeping your wallets stuffed." I paused. "Actually, I thought Jax was with you guys . . . "
Sky's usual perky smile withered away and she furrowed her brow. "He's not here? That's odd. He wasn't answering his texts so we came back, hoping to find him here."
Jax isn’t with the band? Was he avoiding me? Was he avoiding everyone? I suddenly worried that yesterday’s conversation had upset him so much that he went out to brood with his phone turned off. My stomach began to twist.
"Um, yeah," I said, "he's not here. I haven’t seen him all day, and I haven't talked to him since last night."
"Yeah," Kev said, crossing his arms. "I haven’t heard from him after pushed me into the pool either."
"Well he did tell me he overreacted about that," I said. "And I’m sure he’ll make it up to you next time you see him."
"We’ll see," Kev said, with a hint of disbelief.
I felt a little embarrassed admitting that I didn’t know where my boyfriend had been all day long. What kind of girlfriend goes an entire day without knowing her boyfriend’s whereabouts? I didn’t like being so out of the loop. I couldn’t help feeling like this had shades of Connor written all over it—me sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting until he decides I’m worth his time. I could feel myself getting flustered, and I realized I needed to clear my head.
Sky glanced at her watch and then scrunched up her face. "Fuck. We need to do a soundcheck, and we need to do it like right now."
"Yeah, this is a huge show tonight." Kev raked his fingers through his blonde hair. "Our set has to be pitch perfect."
I’d told myself I was intent on letting Jax contact me first, but since he hadn’t been with the band and he hadn’t called me all day, I decided that it’d be a good idea to check in with him. "I'll call him and see if he answers for me." I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. My nose wrinkled when it went straight to voicemail. "Hey Jax, just here with the band. You're needed for soundcheck. Either give me a call or I guess you can just meet up with them inside. Okay. Bye."
I hung up, dismayed by how weird my voice sounded in my ears. I tried being as nonchalant as possible, but I couldn't help sounding a little rattled.
Sky tilted her head quizzically. "That's not good. This is our first outdoor gig of the tour, so he knows we need him for a soundcheck."
"I have faith he'll turn up," I said, unsure of the words as they left my mouth.
"Let's hope so," Sky said with a calmness in her voice that belied her visible irritation. "Well, Jax or no Jax, we need to do a soundcheck now. It'd be nice if he graced us with his presence." She paused. "Riley, would you have time to search The Roman to see if he’s off hiding anywhere?"
"Will do."
"Thanks!" Sky said as they hopped off the bus, all of them mumbling concerns about Jax's whereabouts.
Slightly troubled, I packed up my work and left the bus shortly after them to seek out Jax. I had no luck asking the roadies, and a hopeful search of the venue turned up squat. It was getting close to showtime, so I had no choice but to reluctantly inform the band of the bad news.
I clenched up my fists and headed toward the stage, rueing this feeling of failure. Jax’s disappearing act upset me, and this prolonged silence was starting to cut into me deeply. How would we ever be able to resolve our issues together if his immediate reaction was to run away? If this was how he dealt with all of his problems, I didn’t know how long I could endure it.
As I grudgingly approached the stage, I heard the disjointed music from the soundcheck along with the band’s grumblings into the mics as they voiced their frustrations about Jax not being around to offer up his input and expertise. A roadie sang and played guitar in Jax’s stead, but he was woefully underwhelming in every aspect. At the same time, the film crew prepped their cameras and lighting equipment to record the concert video and the director cursed up a storm about having to guess the camera angle positioning for Jax's towering physique.
I grimaced listening to the band struggle, but the first opportunity I had, I waved to get their attention. They all stopped playing and looked at me with high expectations written all over their faces.
"Any luck?" Sky asked, her brow raised optimistically.
I wrung my fingers and shook my head slightly. "Sorry, I couldn’t find him anywhere. He just vanished."
Glowering, Kev tossed his guitar down and stormed off the stage.
"Thanks anyway, Riley," Sky said, as she and Chewie called it quits a bit more gracefully and disappeared backstage.
I gnashed my teeth together. Jax's absence was getting even more disturbing. Him not being here for soundcheck was already interfering with tonight's performance, and it wasn't like him to put the band on the backburner.
The second they left the stage, the audience started piling in and I decided to follow the band backstage to sweat it out with them.
I flashed my VIP badge at the security guard and headed past the darkened wings of the sidestage. At the green room door, I knocked on it and then peeked my head through. They were all moping around on black leather couches.
I felt like apologizing to them for Jax’s disappearance since I had made him more upset when I tried talking to him. Still, I wasn't ready to share the intimate details of our relationship with the band.
"Anybody get a call from him?" I asked.
"Nope," Kev said, idly strumming an acoustic guitar.
I bit my lip. "He knows how important this show is, right?"
"He better goddamn know." Kev plucked harshly on the strings. "This live concert DVD was his genius idea."
Sky checked her watch. "I hope he shows up soon. That film crew was really vocal about wanting to start on time."
"How much time do you have left?" I asked.
"The show's supposed to start any minute now," Sky said, her words dripping with disappointment. "But we can push it back half an hour or so. After that the film crew gets a pay bump."
"Fuck." I leaned against the doorjamb and slightly banged my head against it. It was one thing for bands to start their shows late—hell, it seemed like it was standard operating procedure for the music industry—but I had a feeling this film crew didn’t tolerate lateness. "And if he doesn't show?"
"We'll have to cancel the concert," Kev said soberly.
It felt like the floor dropped out on me. If they cancelled the show, it'd mean we'd have to send out refunds to all the ticket holders and it'd utterly wreck the band's budget moving forward. Plus we'd have to eat the cost of the film crew and negate any potential income from future sales of the DVD. Cancelling the show was not an option.
"There's still plenty of time left," I offered. "I'm sure Jax will come walking in any second now . . . " Laughing nervously, I pointed to the doorway, naively hoping he'd magically walk through.
Tapping my foot, too much on edge to stay still, I started pacing back and forth in the green room, anxiously checking my cellphone every minute. I started getting a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and every minute that brought us closer to cancellation made the queasiness grow stronger. How could Jax do this on such an important day?
A terrible thought snuck into my mind. What if Jax was doing this to hurt me? Was he trying to prove that he was still a loner who wouldn’t be tied down by our relationship? I shook my head. Given how much Jax seemed to care about me, the idea seemed too far-fetched.
I watched as Kev strummed his guitar so roughly that I thought he was going to snap the strings. Sky stared ahead frowning as she ran through chords on an acoustic bass while Chewie puffed on a joint, filling up the room with a cloud of smoke.
Half an hour passed and the pay bump for the film crew went into effect. It was going to be a hassle making room for that in the budget. And that hassle would become a headache if they can
celed this show.
A knock on the door startled us. We all exchanged expectant glances and I headed to open the door. I didn't think Jax would bother knocking, but there was always a chance . . .
I opened the door to a middle-aged woman standing there with red wavy curls tangled in a headset microphone. "Last call for showtime."
It was the concert producer, Ms. Deetz. I recognized her nasally voice from having a pleasant phone conversation with her regarding the show’s ticket pricing.
"Since we’re an outdoor venue," she continued, "we have a city-mandated Midnight Power Down Policy, which is stipulated in the contract. Once the clock strikes twelve, it’s lights out. So it’s now or never folks. What's it gonna be?"
Unsure how to respond to her, I spun around and saw the band huddled together in the center of the room. Their disillusioned faces spoke volumes.
Kev threw his hands in the air. "Fuck it. Let's do it without him. I'll sing the songs."
Sky crossed her arms and gave Kev an unimpressed look. "You know that's impossible."
"She’s right," Chewie said, scratching the back of his neck. "You rock, Kev, but fuck, we need Jax here."
"Fuck this noise." Kev kicked the couch. "I can't believe we have to do this."
Sky exhaled loudly. "Looks like we're going to have to cancel. I'll give the bad news to the fans. Hope I don't start a riot."
She trudged out of the green room and we all followed. It was one thing to cancel a show in Anytown, USA—but canceling one in L.A. would be a disaster. Every trendsetting gossip blog, radio show, and podcast in the city would blast the band back into obscurity. It seemed like in one fell swoop, Jax’s absence was going to destroy all the Hitchcocks’ hard-earned hype.
As we dragged our feet to the stage, the crowd's chants and cheers echoed through the darkened wings of the sidestage. No one said a word and I felt absolutely terrible about everything.